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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

223 replies

twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:15

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/05/2013 13:20

Why 'cant' she tell you?

TBH I wouldn't be giving my 16 year old DS any money if he decided he 'couldn't' tell me - especially if he didn't lift a finger while he was at home.

squeakytoy · 30/05/2013 13:20

she is old enough to cook her own food.. let her do it

I dont think the £20 is necessary, and I would say it is unfair to say she has to eat outside the house, but at 16 she should be more than capable of cooking her own food and clearing up after herself if that is what she wants to do.

I was pretty much the same at 16. I had my own life and didnt want to be tied to coming home at set meal times. So it was a case of microwaving what had already been made if it was a hot meal, or making my own.

specialsubject · 30/05/2013 13:21

cater for yourself and show her how to use the kitchen.

superbagpuss · 30/05/2013 13:22

can I tell you what my mum did when we were 16

she made us a dinner and put it in the microwave if we weren't a rt home

worked a treat

we also had morning and afternoon chores and paid keep from our Saturday jobs as well as school etc

taught us more about real life then anything else

MrsPresley · 30/05/2013 13:22

What would she be able to buy that could be eaten outside the house on less than £3 a day?

What's wrong with cooking and then heating hers in the microwave, that's what my DS does when he comes in from work?

And at 16 she really should be able to cook a meal and clear up after herself? In fact she should be doing the cooking at least a couple of times a week!

MortifiedAdams · 30/05/2013 13:23

How have you got to having a 16yo who 'won't' clear up after herself? Clearly this is a product of your own doing - never insisting on this is the past.

I think food wise, tell her "Dinner is at six" and leave her to it. If that dinner is beans on toast because thats what you fancy then so be it. She can chuck some toast in and scoop some beans out of the pan whenever she gets in. Just cook what you want. Having a bit left over if you make eniugh for two can be olated up for a lunch/dinner the following day.

Groovee · 30/05/2013 13:23

I cook once and whoever is not hot heats it up when they come in.

Forester · 30/05/2013 13:24

Yes I think that would be unreasonable. If you haven't already got one I would suggest buying a microwave so that she can just heat up her food when she gets back. (But have certain days when she agrees to be back at a certain time so that you can eat together). Also there's lots of things you can make in batches e.g. spag bol - so you don't need to be cooking everynight.

cantspel · 30/05/2013 13:25

So you want your dd to live on takeaway crap?

Just dont cook for her but have food in the fridge she can see to herself. If she doesn't wash up after herself then plonk everything on her bed and she will soon learn

CurlsRUs · 30/05/2013 13:25

I was put into a similar situation by my dad at the same as your DD - there was just the two of us, he worked shifts and I turned vegetarian, and he just couldn't really deal with it all.

On the one hand, it forced me to learn to cook and clean up after myself - and I'm all for making children be more independent. On the other hand, I didn't have much time to shop for food, given all the schoolwork I was doing, on top of working in a shop at weekends. So over the next couple of years I got more and more skinny and terribly unhealthy - I was ill all the time.

Sorry, no conclusive answer from me - I have very mixed feelings!

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:25

She does her own food sometimes squeaky but never clears up after herself, despite nagging etc, which is why I don't want to encourage more self-catering.

SirChenjin - 'tis the way of most 16 year olds, apparently.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 30/05/2013 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 13:28

I have an 18yo like this. I no longer cook for him. Problem solved.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:28

And at 16 she really should be able to cook a meal and clear up after herself? In fact she should be doing the cooking at least a couple of times a week!
She can cook a meal and she SHOULD be cooking at least a couple of times a week. She knows this, but doesn't do it. What should I do? Hold a gun to her head?
cantspel - have done the dumping everything on her bed thing more than once. Made no difference at all.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 30/05/2013 13:28

We went for DD catering for herself, DS has just started.
I didn't give them money, but they got to write on the shopping list, up to a limit and then cook with what we had (I keep a full pantry most of the time)
The rule here has always been that cooking ends with washing up, I don't own a microwave.

GoblinGranny · 30/05/2013 13:29

'£20 for a whole week of food is not going to go very far'

It's what DD has managed on at Uni for years.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:30

Toughasoldboots - she gets money on her lunch card at school, so it's just an evening meal. I spend about £60/week on entire grocery bill including cleaning products, my own packed lunches etc., so would effectively be giving her 1/3 of the budget just for her dinners.

Holly - so you know where I'm coming from!

OP posts:
Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:31

How have you got to having a 16yo who 'won't' clear up after herself? Clearly this is a product of your own doing - never insisting on this is the past.

Oh yes, I was expecting this 'poor parenting' shit.

OP posts:
cantspel · 30/05/2013 13:33

Is she working or still getting money from the bank of mum and dad?

Chopstheduck · 30/05/2013 13:33

i dotn think £20 will go far neither without access to a kitchen. Fair enough if wasn't restricted to only eating outside.

I'd do the make it and leave it in the microwave thing. I do that for my dd, almost 13. She doesn't always want to be tied to mealtimes, so she has that option.

tbh carrying on with a proper meal will be better for you too, rather than resorting to muesli or toast because you don;t want the hassle of cooking.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:33

curls - the unhealthy aspect bothers me. I would continue to provide full fruit bowl, cheese, bread and milk, etc. - just not 'proper' cooked meals.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/05/2013 13:34

Not the 16 year olds I know. They will all - reluctantly, I grant you - help around the house and tell their parents what time they will be home.

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 13:36

Absolutely know where you are coming from Grin I haven't seen him for a few days Grin this means some poor parents are on holiday and he's holed up in a mates house.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:36

cantspel She is at school. School leaving age is 17. She has a Saturday job on one of those delightful zero-hours contracts, which means she gets called - usually at the last minute - on a very ad hoc basis: usually one Saturday out of four. She is looking for alternative work, but it's very, very thin on the ground, especially as we live in a city with two universities and masses of students competing for PT jobs.

OP posts:
CreatureRetorts · 30/05/2013 13:36

Why not leave her a portion to reheat?