AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

[twofingerstoGideon]

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

There you go again. Who mentioned sandwiches? It seems like you've formed quite a picture of my DD (and me) in your head, but her abilities might surprise you. I have no worries there.

MY CHEAPO READY MEAL FREEZER IDEA IS GOOD

You and your dd sound like me and my mum btw. I turned out alright, and she was a fabulous woman.

She tried to ration plates once.

MumnGran - thanks again for your wise words. I'm getting too annoyed by faberge now, but that's possibly her intention.

I think Cambridge Uni is currently conducting research into the teenage brain as it functions so differently from the adult brain. Some people might like to reflect on that.

It is, Jenai, it is!

Well OP, don't start a thread in AIBU if you don't want honest opinions frankly delivered. You were always going to encounter posters who think you're being rather negligent - isn't that why you floated the idea? To get opinions about whether it was acceptable?

Learning to eat healthily and finding pleasure in it is a vital part of growing up, especially for girls because the messages in the media are so unhelpful. I'm also coming from the position of having fostered and seen what it's like for kids who are allowed 'freedom' they don't know how to use. They end up less grown up, not more.

Not saying you should make a huge issue out of it with your DD, just recognise that not being able to give her an evening meal is actually a big deal which may have serious repercussions for her.

If you find all that patronising, why not put some kind of warning in future OPs. Eg., 'no negative, patronising posts'. Then all those who thought you were being very unreasonable would know not to speak freely.

OP, I hope the post above shows that annoying you wasn't the intention. If your DD can't cook at home because she can't clean up after herself, I have no idea how she will be able to do something that most adults would struggle to do: find healthy meals, outside your home, for under £20 a week, that will not be sandwiches/derivative. I've no idea what you have no concerns about but I'm totally bewildered and will leave the thread now. Good luck.

granmum: I understand we all have different boundaries. The solution floated by the OP was a suggested response to her problem of having no other solution that would work because there was no boundary that her DD would respect regarding coming home and having some sort of evening meal. Strong opinions are expected in AIBU, especially where the welfare of children is concerned. If the OP wished us all to accept her choices, starting a thread with this title was a strange way to go about it.

I'm thinking back to my own teenage years and yes being inconsiderate is all part of it . I was very considerate to my friends and peers etc but home life didn't really compute at that age. I also agree that this change happens quite suddenly and as a parent it must be hard to adjust without going a bit nuts.

There's some really sensible advice on here and I would definitely agree with just stocking up the freezer with foods of her choice and let her microwave her way through her meals. I got really weird about food at that age and though my mum was kind enough to leave a plate of home cooked food for which ever disrespectful teen hadn't bothered turning up I doubt I always ate it, though my eating was highly disordered at that time. I certainly don't remember bothering to clean up after myself in the kitchen.

I am a home cooking advocate but let's face it, a year or two on ready meals isn't going to be disastrous and they don't have to be awful. Plus it leaves a whole lot less washing up, which helps with that battle too.

I'm sure she'll start craving the odd Sunday roast and you can have nice meals together (and maybe even cook together) when it works for you both and in the mean time you can have your evenings off cooking too.

Out of interest fabergeeegg - how old are your dc ?

The OP floated the idea (pointing out in the first line that it was really only a half hearted, fleeting thought), and has accepted that it's not such a good plan.
How you leap from that, to saying she shouldn't have had children, is ridiculous.
Surely that's what the boards are for on a Parenting Forum... a chance to bounce ideas, have a bit of a moan, ask if this is a big deal or not, etc., not to have some loon saying you shouldn't have had children just because you want to gather a few other parents thoughts on an issue that's in your head at the moment ?

I sort of remember being that age... I guess we, me and my 2 sisters, reluctantly sat down to family meals but tbh only ate half of it and didn't really enjoy it (my parents were not adventurous cooks at all and always bought the cheapest food). I think at that age, we had less of an appetite for big meals, preferring to graze. And we were moving more towards autonomy, wanting to choose our own food.

My suggestions would be:

Baking potatoes with beans, cheese, tuna, coleslaw, etc.
Toasties, even paninis on a grill if you want to be posh!
Pasta with pesto, fresh filled pasta with a sauce
Ready meals - curry, chinese, you can get some nice ones these days
Fresh soups - covent garden ones etc with crusty bread, someone on here recommended tomato soup with a cheese sandwich!
Individual fresh pizzas, our tescos has a pizza counter where you can ask for your own combo of toppings.
Ocado/waitrose do some lovely frozen posh big fish fingers, and I buy their frozen potato rosti for a change from chips.
Lots of nice yoghurts, flapjacks are really filling but wholesome.

Cant help you with the washing up though!

hello,

I was in the situation of your DD when I was a teenager, as I was always moaning about what my mum and dad made (now with more experience of other people cooking I did have a point!)

they decided that we would eat family meals at the weekend (nice roasts I was happy there!) but that I could fend for my self in the week. I think they thought I would become a really good cook, but mainly I lived on turkey burgers, packets of noodles and cheese toasties, but stayed slim as really only could be bothered cooking what I was hungry for

I think it was Ok to do, gave me a bit of responsibility rather then getting stuck in the parent `you will´- child Í won´t´loop etc, which has got to happen at some point and 16 sounds old enough!

they didn´t give me money just added what I asked to the weekly shop

I had intended to bow out of this as there is little pleasure in a war of words IMHO, however .....
Faberge, of course AIBU threads attract strong opinion and posters can expect a rough ride but one assumes that those opinions will be fairly applied to the content of the post and not based on extrapolations which have been created solely in the mind of the respondent.

Firstly, while I agree the title is designed to attract some interest, the first line of the post states clearly that this is floating a thought only, and a bit 'light-hearted'. Cue .... does not require heavy input!

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently has been morphed in your replies to the poster having no knowledge of where her child is or what she is doing - and that the child is not respecting any time related boundaries. For all you know she could be studying at a friends house, and coming home before curfew but only when they have got through the work needed. Or working and only able to finish when tables are finally cleared. Or neither. The point is, you don't know and didn't ask

Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together Somehow this has been read as the OP being negligent about meals for her child?

WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments this was the nub, most people replied that it probably was being BU, and offered a few ideas .... and the OP agreed with them - reiterating that it was a half hearted thought. !! , How does this raise anything which you consider of sufficient worry to state you are in trouble

As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house In my house, I needed to deal with a teen who decided that washing up was an effort more than needed.... she modelled her behaviour on her fathers. The posters response would not be mine (I posted my own solution) but certainly does not give rise to your assumption that there are no boundaries in this home, and no control? At what point did you make that assumption? after reading the title??

Bottom line is that your responses were not to what the OP actually said, but what you thought you read into the situation. Your responses were pejorative, and in a couple of instances actively offensive.

Thanks again, MumnGran. I was beginning to think I'd gone mad

Had to leave thread for a while as DD and friend graced me with their presence at dinner. Their empty plates are festering on the table because they've promised to wash up 'later'

for MumnGran.

Thanks for food suggestions, chillin. The soups are a good idea. I think they have a long 'use by' date usually, so they'd be ideal.

Thank you Twofingers!

Actually, I think most people who replied "got it"!!

And do be reassured .... they grow out of the teens in the end, and turn into the most wonderful friends Mine can even cook and wash-up

'Out of interest fabergeeegg - how old are your dc ?]

]

She's got a two year old.
I wonder if any of us will be around on MN in 14 years time to be understanding and sympathetic...or not.

OMG
Well that explains an awful lot!

My mum went on strike a few times. We had a large kitchen with a large table, which basically got stacked higher and higher with washing up.

Poor woman would come home from a 12 hour shift to all that crap :(

I was so appallingly selfish, but it was as if I'd regressed emotionally and just couldn't help it. Yet I'd bring back waifs and strays and give away the shirt from my back to someone who wasn't my mother who needed it. Betsy's post rings so very many bells!

Cant decide whether to laugh or cry at some of the responses,obviously some have no knowledge of teenagers whatsover.

A brilliant line from The Middle is when the Dad says,

'Teenagers become so vile so we don't miss them when the move out!!!!'

Makes me chuckle every time I think about it!!

Reading this thread has made me realise how lazy my 11 year old is!

I have to get this sorted now. He needs to help me with meal planning, cooking, clearing up or he is going to lose his phone, DS and going out with his mates!!

Pick your Beatles at that age. classic