AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

[twofingerstoGideon]

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

Do people seriously lock away their crockery? I would have to give my lodger a 'crockery cupboard' key. He'd think we were bonkers!

My dd lives with her dad long story why shes not here but he wont provide a cooked meal as she is veggie and hes a big meat eater and takeaway fan he provides fuck all to her apart from 20 pounds a week from csa and doing chours and she buys everything out of that he wont provide a meal she may be out with friends or hes doing a late shift etc she feels she is unloved and a burden there unwanted. I have sent her a tescos shop via online so she can cook.

Luckey she only has a year left of school till she can come here she misses sitting at a table having dinner personaly i would provide a meal. Its more than just food its shows you are thinking of them

stars That sounds very sad. The difference is I want my DD to eat a healthy meal at home with me, but she's unwilling to commit and I'm getting frustrated about the whole thing.

At 16 she is still a child and should be asking you if she can stay out at dinner time not picking and choosing if she comes home or not.

*Chops" ....with an 8 year old its definitely an issue of who is in control, but for the OP this is not the case.
Her child is 16 ...... this is the stage where you have just 2 years to manoeuvre them from parents controlling all aspects of their lives to the point where they are officially 'adult' and able to control their own lives and make responsible choices. Insisting on winning every battle with this age group means unleashing a newly turned 18 year old onto the world with no idea of how to make his own rational decisions because they have always had to follow yours.. You have to introduce responsibility for self gradually ..... and have a fairly short window in which to do it effectively.

Having navigated a few through these treacherous waters, actually OP, I think you seem to be doing well and DD is acting very normally for a girl of this age. However, no I would not give her £20 to eat out with all week! it is all too easy to see that money disappearing rapidly into cokes, crisps, pot noodles & chocolate!!

You still need to guide her choices, so my suggestion would be that you use the same money to stock up on easy to microwave (or otherwise fix) frozen meals. Quick fioxes that she can do in minutes when she does come home (and if Mum is feeling helpful then not too arduous for you, either!)
No ..... they are not nutritious in the way home cooking is, and do not represent a great diet BUT she is not getting that anyway, and giving her the money pretty much ensures that she really will eat the worst of the worst.

It is worth discussing that you share just one family meal together, every week. I would let her choose which one, as long as she knows that once decided then its not up for negotiation (or cancellation because she has a better offer)

I worked it this way with one of my DD's.
Solved all our arguments over mealtimes. Made her very aware that frozen meals were really not that great after a few weeks of trying them. And I knew exactly what she was eating, because I stocked the freezer!

Have some flowers for doing a seemingly good job at one of hardest parenting stages

I was cooking for myself every evening from 14...but don't give her the money. Make sure there's stuff in. She'll spend the 20 on crap probably/

Well, it would solve the problem. You say the only reason you don't want her to "self-cater" more is because she can't clean up afterwards - she'll have to if she runs out of crockery!

I think, at 16, you need to pick your battles. I hated eating family meals at that age and survived on tea, toast, bowls of cereal and toasted sandwiches for about two years. My parents got healthy food in (no junk - if I wanted that, I had to pay) and left me to it. She won't curl up and die if she doesn't have a home-cooked meal every night.

But surely you are not going to go through life just eating a bowl of muesli for your tea every night ? I know when I lived on my own, I still needed meals and vegetables sometimes, even though it's quicker and easier to chuck something in the microwave on other nights.
What I mean is, if or when you are cooking something, then it's as easy to make for 2 as it is for one, so you might as well cook something for her, I'd have thought, and maybe one day she'll make something for the two of you. If not, then have in relatively healthy stuff that's quick and easy to make something from, but that doesn't go off, on the nights when neither of you are cooking - baked beans, jacket potatoes, eggs, pasta, cheese, or meals in the freezer - perhaps from when one of you has made a batch of bolognaise or curry or chilli - that you can just bung in the microwave when you get in.

Thanks for the support MumnGran! I think some posters are struggling to accept the reality of what living with a 16 year old is really like, particularly if you don't want constant arguments, which I really don't. Your advice is very sensible. I can see that IWBU to give her money to fend for herself. It was a bit of a half-hearted suggestion anyway, born out of frustration!
I think I will stock up on some ready meals (I tend never to buy these) and see how it goes. She would live on super noodles and microwave popcorn given half the chance, so I need to think of something healthyish that she will actually eat and that won't go off quickly if she doesn't eat it. So, can anyone recommend 'nice' frozen food that isn't just pizza?

Thanks for the flowers!

Could you sit down and have a chat with her about what she would like to do about evening meals? Would she prefer to cook her own or just have a snack (like you would if you didn't have to cook)?

And when you cook, could you make say 4 portions and tupperware them up like ready meals so that either one of you could grab one out of the freezer as and when?

Can you imagine the AIBU my lodger could write if I locked away the crockery, etc.?
My landlady keeps the plates and cutlery under lock and key. So far as I can see they're ordinary plain white plates, but she insists they must be locked away. AIBU in thinking she's unhinged?

I will chat to her, Tilly. At the moment she's in a revision-related strop, so I'll do it later.

I think she might be feeling pressured and uncomfortable eating with you. I remember feeling like that with my mother. Having to eat together and make conversation, just the two of us. It felt very awkward at times.

Pressured and uncomfortable? Eating a plate of chicken and noodles in front of the television while she watches Hollyoaks? I long gave up on the sitting down and having a conversation side of things!

We get on very, very well, in fact and talk loads. It's only the mealtime nonsense that's bugging me.

Thanks, SecondComing! I've had to restrain myself a few times on this thread

I was, however, expecting posts of the 'it's all your fault' variety. After all, this is AIBU.

Save up all her plates and cutlery, leftover food, and rubbish for a week - then dump it all in her bed. Seriously.

Hi OP

I agree that YANBU to expect her to sort herself out, but do guide her a bit. Sainsbury does about five or six different ready meals for £1 and probably lots of other supermarkets do too. They are surprisingly OK. I use them often if I'm working away from home and can't be bothered to cook. You could stock up on them and also tell her to help herself to bread and cheese and cereal, as you do.

No point in making it stressful, but you mustn't send her any messages that she can take you and your hard work for granted as teenagers are already wired too far in that direction without needing any help from us.

what a daft thing to say bigTilly just because you experienced that does not mean every 16 year old feels that way

I remember being 16 and wanting to do my own thing. I did cook for myself but usually made crap because I couldn't cook. But i wasn't hungry and it did me no harm.

I have always hated do dishes and have had battles with my DC regarding cleaning up after themselves. In the end I bought a dishwasher and wished I'd done it years earlier. Any possibility of you investing in one OP?

OP, it doesn't sound pressured. Hopefully a chat can sort out what will work best.

I have 2 younger teens and make a meal for everyone most evenings. We don't all always eat at the same time though - as others have said I plate up and they heat up!
It is annoying though to have to cook meals when I would just have some soup and toast or something.

So, can anyone recommend 'nice' frozen food that isn't just pizza?

Oh, OP .... this is the stage where you have to discover that there is "more than one way to skin a rabbit"

Most supermarkets offer a wide range of assorted quick fix ready meals .... sweet &sours with rice, curries with rice, pasta dishes etc but the chances are that she will dislike most things you stocked up on principle ( and not even acknowledge to herself that this is the reason why she won't eat them !!)

Best recommendation is to very casually suggest that you want to stock up on things she likes, so could she spend 10 mins with you when you next to a 'big shop' and choose for herself which ready meals she fancies. 1) don't dictate when you will go, decide on a good time for the two of you and b) don't tell her what to choose. That's not the point. Just make sure she knows that there is X amount to spend on this, and it needs to cover X number of meals.
This is also a great, and safe, way to start training for when they go off into the world on their own ....if she picks 2 meals at £10 a piece, you genuinely have to let her eat nothing but toast for the next few days!. They learn really quickly .... honest!

As for the washing up issue, I can only tell you what I did.
a) Buy a Basics range washing up bowl for 75p.
b) If you find dirty dishes and cutlery - put them in the bowl and put it in the middle of her bed.
Repeat b) (despite stroppy hysterics) until dishes are washed.
c) under no circumstances wash them yourself. Your responsibility ends with putting the washing up bowl back on the bed every time, and watching the mountain of crockery grow)
Took four days in my house!

Me too, second. And the assumption that you've done nothing but indulge them and dish out money while never expecting them to do so much as pick up a sock is very offensive to me.

Thanks, racing. Am thinking of taking her for a trawl through the ready-meal section of the supermarket.

Sorry, I didn't mean to accuse the OP of being odd/overbearing. I just wondered if there was more to it than just the DD being 16!

MumnGran - the learning to budget thing would be helpful to her as well. good thinking.