AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

[twofingerstoGideon]

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

It isnt tough to batch cook a few decent home cooked meals and seperate into individual portions in tubs that either of you can reheat and then you eat whatever whenever you want and she can do the same. That way there is no waste, but the option is there of a decent home cooked meal if wanted, and if not then nothing is going to waste.

£3 per day and only to be eaten outside of the house? I'd feel like shit if I was forcing my 16 year old into eating takeaways most nights just because I couldn't be arsed cooking a few meals one day a week or making something simple which can be left in the fridge for her. I understand your frustration at her not being able to tell you when she is home, but I don't think giving her a few quid a day to feed herself what will be junk is the right way to go.

As for her not lifting a finger, soon fixed if she's not given an option. Stop doing all of the other things for her and take away privelages, but to be honest I think making sure she has the option of eating a decent meal is down to you. She is still a child.

Having said that, my DD knows that if she isn't back for dinner, she will go hungry. Not that she would be out at dinner time - if she is at a friends for dinner, she rings and asks if that's ok before 5pm, as that's when I start cooking.

DD cooks for herself though, on the rare occasion that she has asked to stay out over dinner - and although she doesn't necessarily clear up after herself that particular night, she washes up for the whole (large) family at least twice a week.

So it's swings and roundabouts.

My DD is a year younger, 15, but she wouldn't expect to stay out for dinner without checking first. Just good manners, really.

I would be insisting on a text by whenever you would usually start cooking, tbh. And if she leaves mess, then she doesn't get to go out again until she has cleaned it up / washed up.

I don't care if they are 15 or 25, if they are living in the family home, then they can treat it as a family home and not some doss-house!

They use basic manners, tell you what time they will be back at, or they don't get back in (door will be locked), warn you BEFORE you start cooking a meal for them that they won't be back, and to BE back for dinner if they say they will be.

Basic manners.

I'd flip my lid if ANY if my DC's behaved that way. Even my 9yo with SN's and physical disabilities is capable if doing easy washing up (no sharp knives, no skanky tins).

If she wants maid service, let her pay for a hotel!

Apologies if already answered this but cant see it. Do you have a microwave and if so would the plating it up till she comes in work for you ?

As for the issues of not washing up/clearing up after herself l had an adult stepson with the same attitude. So for extra fun l couldn't tell him off without over protective daddy undermining me and all that step parenting crap.

I just devised plan after plan probably all quite PA - but hey-ho! - of getting the better of him.

I made a rule of snacks only after a certain time when l had already cleaned the kitchen after our evening meal. I was sick to death of him saying he didnt want anything before he went out and then cooking chips,sausages and such like at 10pm at night

As a last resort and after much defiance l would even go as far as hiding food that didn't come into that category and only leaving out snacks/sandwich stuff etc. The salad box at bottom of fridge was a good hiding place - he didn't do salad so never ventured in there !

I would hide away all clean plates except the one he had left dirty from the night before which l would place in the sink so he had no choice but to wash it if he wanted to use a plate within 'normal' hours before 9pm..

I just refused to be beaten by someone that age ruling the roost basically.

Ditto twofingers DS1 is marvellous outside of the house.... but he just loses his bones once he walk through the door, he sort of slides into a jellified heap, and his vocal chords regress to some grunty language. then after much thought, he can haul himself to get a bowl of cereal!

I would try to talk to her, and see if you can work out a mutually satisfactory solution - say one where you stock up the fridge/freezer with some quick and easy options as justfornow suggested, but also one day a week where you do both make the effort to eat together. I totally get where you are coming from, but I wouldn't try to make this an issue where you "dictate", but rather a negotiation where you can both find something that works. It is hard when it is just 2 of you to try to adapt to new adult relationships, but I think that you're doing the right thing: you're coming to a point where she has outgrown what you had been doing.

Bum. You don't have much to withdraw to get her tidying up after herself.

Don't give her the cash - buy in the regular groceries, cook what you want for yourself, and let her cook her dinner when she gets in. I was cooking my own dinners long before the age of 16, because I turned veggie.

Not sure about the refusal to clear up .Maybe put a lock on all the cupboard doors, buy her an early setting-up-home present of a couple of pans,2 plates,2 bowls,2 mugs and a cutlery set- then if she doesn't wash them up herself she has nothing to use.

i agree with others that the best thing is to keep a load of easy to cook food that she can cook herself when she gets in, such as quiches that she can heat up, jacket potatoes, pasta and pesto etc. Or batch cook so she can take stuff out of the freezer as and when she wants it.

Would she just go hungry if you did that rather than cook/heat it?

If she does not wash up, put the dirty plates etc in her room.

Why are you chucking out left overs? Why not just stick in some tupperwear then have for your lunch the following day so it's not wasted? (or leave it for the following night, you can have your choice of cheese on toast if that's what you want and there's something in the fridge she can put in the microwave if she wants).

On the nights DS has been in nursery (so doesn't need a meal with us) I'm cooking for just DH and I, I normally cook 3 meals worth anyway and then have left overs for instant lunches.

Don't get me wrong, DD puts up a good fight, but soon changes her tune when she realises that the next day, she won't get to go out before having done whatever it is that she should have done the day before...

And I still have phone confiscation, removal of laptop, no TV (easy to do, that one is - set up a pin on the sky box...).

I won't say it's perfect, and we do have many a row over it, but I won't have my home treated like a doss-house.

As long as the DC's are willing to do their fair share, and use basic manners, then I'm happy. And if I'm unhappy, then so will they be...

Thanks for your post, Ladymuck. It's really helpful. We need to acknowledge our changed circumstances/relationship. It really isn't like having a child who comes home from school at the same time/fits around my routines, etc. College next year will bring further changes, I expect.

I get where you are coming from, its the whole having to cook in the first place, I have one DS 19 who always lets me know if he will be eating and shares the cooking, he is out working most nights anyway. My DD could care less about dinner really, most of the time she is not here when its ready and then comes home having eaten elsewhere. I hate cooking, so , I have pasta, fruit and other easy stuff she can eat if she wants, yes she makes a mess and is rubbish about clearing it up unless nagged but at least I dont have to cook for her if I cant be bothered.

Betty
Her room is already full of dirty plates! You want me to put more there?

Another vote for not giving her the cash. That's like a reward. And to be honest, although I wasn't especially wild, at 16 I'd have spent it on fags and booze.

Another here who wouldn't give her the cash.
When anyone's not here at mealtime in this house, then theirs gets plated up and they can warm it when they get in. It seems like rewarding them for not being able to organise their lives enough to tell you which evenings she will, or won't be there.

Cooking/plating up/letting them eat at a time that suits them also seems like rewarding them for disorganisation, though? I mean, why should I cook it in the first place?

Don't give her cash, let her help herself from what you provide 'I would continue to provide full fruit bowl, cheese, bread and milk, etc'. - just not 'proper' cooked meals. - that covers the main food groups, I think far too much fuss is made about 'proper hot dinners'.

Just keep nagging about the clearing up though .

"Cooking/plating up/letting them eat at a time that suits them also seems like rewarding them for disorganisation, though?"

She is going to be disorganised. That's the baseline here so it's about how you deal with that and make sure she still eats. Lots of good suggestions about batch cooking that can be heated up or the bread/cheese/fruit idea above. You certainly don't need to be cooking when you don't want to eat the meal and she may not turn up. But £20 cash for being disorganised is madness. At best she'd blow it on a couple of shit takeaways. At worst... well, I just remembered that as well as the fags/booze I'd probably have invested in a 'teenth at that age. And then had no cash left for the munchies!

Well, because you would be cooking it anyway. Let's face it, at that age they are disorganised (as a rule - I'm sure there are MN exceptions ). I'd rather my teens were eating a proper meal each night, than living on cheap takeaway stuff night after night.
The rule in our house applies to everyone too - if dh or I aren't back from work in time, and one of the dcs has cooked, then ours gets put in the microwave too. It's unusual but not unheard of.

But I wouldn't be cooking it anyway, Backforgood That's the point of my thread. I can see in a bigger family that the 'plate it up/zap it later' thing might work, but unless I want to exist on leftovers it's not the way I want to go.

Although I do agree with the posters who have said IWBU to give her money for food, as she'd be unlikely to spend it on food. I really hadn't thought of that! (Duh...)

Ready meals?

I remember being that age and eating proper meals really was a chore! After a couple of years I was craving my mums Sunday roasts!

As for the loads of plates already in her room just have a minimum amount of plates readily available and cups etc for that matter. If she can keep going in the kitchen and getting another clean one she will . As there are only two of you maybe you could try not to keep so many plates out in the kitchen cupboards and get rid of some/stash some away out of reach.
At one point l reduced my adult stepson to one plate, one bowl one mug etc. So he had two choices - either wash one up that was already in his room or go without.
I remember one day he finally caved and spent hours cleaning , washing all pots in his room after weeks of collection and then had a meal, left his dirty plate in his room. You should have heard the indignant wails the next day when he trotted into the kitchen, made something to eat and then went to get another plate out. I had stashed all the plates he had washed up the day before and only left him one - and yes that was the one now dirty in his room.

At 16, she should be capable of cooking for herself, or at least making beans on toast/cereal/jacket potatoes etc. Go grocery shopping as usual and let her decide what to eat/make from what's in the house, and you do the same. If she doesn't want to come home for dinner at say, 6pm, that's fine, she can sort herself out for food. I don't see why it's a problem.

As for cleaning up not being done. Give her a set of stuff (say, 2 x plates, 2 x bowls, 2 x sets of cutlery and a couple of pots and pans) and lock the rest away, so she'll have to clean up if she wants more food - simples.