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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

223 replies

twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:15

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Owllady · 30/05/2013 16:26

There are a lot of convenience foods that aren't that bad now, like microwaved jacket potatoes and half a tin of beans etc

tbh I occassionally buy me and dh a ready meal now. I think i am getting lazier as I get older Blush

TheSecondComing · 30/05/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumnGran · 30/05/2013 16:31

second coming ....... teenagers job to push boundaries

Grin Grin Grin but only because mine are now all grown up and one is a parent herself!

I used to say "its in the contract" ......applies to most of the teenager challenges!

That said .... Mum throwing an epi over the worst excesses, was in MY contract

KittensoftPuppydog · 30/05/2013 16:31

At this age, I would pocket my school dinner money and spend it on cogs.
Why not just get some groceries in and teach her how to cook.

KittensoftPuppydog · 30/05/2013 16:32

Cigs, obviously...

BackforGood · 30/05/2013 16:34

I have to agree with TheSecondComing Grin
Of course, most of us as parents "allow" rebellion Hmm.

My teens do cook meals, but my ds is notorius for just going out, or texting to say he's not coming in, once you've already cooked the meal - I think its something to do with their hormones, they just lose any sense of awareness that things they do have a knock on effect on those around them, they just live in the 'here and now', and aren't meaning to offend or upset anyone, their minds are just wired to "what to I want to do in response to this offer, in this instant".

I'm hoping it's just a phase, as most other trying times have been Smile

bettycocker · 30/05/2013 17:40

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting your DD to make her own meals, but if I gave DS £20 per week for food, he would just buy junk.

Could you buy things that DD likes and that she doesn't mind cooking? Making extra and letting her heat it up is also a good idea.

It doesn't surprise me that a teenager is reluctant to do housework!

fabergeegg · 30/05/2013 17:47

You're in trouble. She's sixteen and clearly not ready for the responsibility, judging by how she's using the freedom you're allowing her. It's far too early to step back and let her learn from her mistakes.

It sounds like you're losing all control and stepping back when you should be stepping up. At sixteen, she needs help with a routine, help with eating habits. She should not be drifting around goodness knows where, seeing where the wind takes her. On a school night!

Since you're considering this move to save yourself trouble in unnecessary cooking/washing up/arguments - as self-centered and lazy as she seems to be. She needs to sleep, she needs to eat healthily, she needs to study, she needs to have a strong family foundation - and yes, she needs to play but that comes after the above. You should be agreeing boundaries and expectations together by now, not accepting whatever she tells you and applying it for your own gain. Grow up and be a parent.

Ledkr · 30/05/2013 17:51

I stopped cooking for mine around that age if they were out a lot and they just did their own when they came in.
Lovely to just have a boiled egg or some cereal for dinner!

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 17:51

Losing all control Grin
Drifting around Grin
Do fuck off. there's a patronising dear.

OP posts:
Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 17:52

That wasn't for you, Ledkr! You sounds altogether more sensible!

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 30/05/2013 17:57

I wouldn't give her £20 for food to be eaten outside the house. Firstly she would more than likely eat rubbish from the chip shop because £20 doesn't stretch far when you're eating out. Even a meal deal from Tesco/Greggs etc costs £3. Secondly that's almost rewarding her lack of consideration for you when she can't be bothered to tell you when she will be home.

I would either still cook a dinner for her but don't wait for her, she can reheat it and eat it on her own when she gets in.

Or tell her she has to make her own meals if she can't possibly tell you when she will be back but has to also make sure she leaves the kitchen as she found it and not leave all the mess for you to deal with.

Some 16 years olds are living by themselves and more than capable of doing this.

TheSecondComing · 30/05/2013 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fabergeegg · 30/05/2013 18:03

TwofingerstoGideon: She's a child. If the OP didn't want to fight these battles, she shouldn't have had children. At the moment this sixteen year old can't even be trusted to organise her day or pick up after herself/live in sanitary conditions. She needs a power dynamic and the OP doesn't have much time left to exert a parenting influence. If my mother had turned away from my rebellion at not turning up for tea and refusing to compromise, I would look back now and think she let me down. Sometimes you need to be the parent - just look at the major issues present in youth culture we have. It's nothing to be proud of and parents desperately need to change. Chuckling at our mutual ineffectiveness is very soothing but it won't create clean underwear and a balanced diet for said daughter when she's at college in three years time. As a parent, you're equipping, then letting go. Not letting go because you can't be arsed to equip.

MumnGran · 30/05/2013 18:03

faber ..... the OP has not at any point said that the lines of communication are not open, nor that there are issues with behaviour which she considers inappropriate. I had no sense that this was a child who is out of control - just one who is developing independent life, and using very normal teenage challenges.

The OP was simply about mealtime issues. I had similar problems with getting everyone assembled for meals, as teens ... and they still grew into very well adjusted, balanced, high achieving, law abiding adults! .... both worked part-time 16-18 and that interfered with mealtimes. Major sports commitments also messed with mealtimes. My XH work messed with family mealtimes in an even bigger way! you just do go through a stage when sitting down as a family to eat, 7 days a week, becomes an impossible feat.

Of course parents should be negotiating, and maintaining reasonable boundaries with this age group ..... but it IS a time of rapid change, a time of movement towards full independence and a time to start relaxing some controls so they can establish their own. Families will vary on which of those controls they loosen first.

nappyaddict · 30/05/2013 18:07

Also if you don't want to be cooking at 7pm why don't you get a slow cooker?

Do a big batch and portion it out into storage containers to go in the freezer.

When DD comes in she has the option of making something or getting something out of the freezer and reheating it. If she chooses to make something herself then nothing has gone to waste, it just stays in the freezer for another day. All there would be to wash up is a plate, cutlery and the storage container if you reuse them rather than throw them away.

JenaiMorris · 30/05/2013 18:07

Pasta. The fresh stuff is overpriced of course but it's pretty instant to cook. Keep it in the freezer rather than the fridge if there's a possibility of it being left to moulder.

She could have that with peas and pesto. Frozen sweetcorn maybe.

It's not what I'd choose to eat but it's safe. DS would absolutely eat it.

Ready meals - seeing as she is likely to turn her nose up, rather than choosing just take pot luck and buy whatever's discounted because it's reached its use by and stick it in the freezer. It won't feel so galling to have them languishing in the freezer if they only cost £1.

fabergeegg · 30/05/2013 18:08

Secondcoming: I've considered making this point to you for quite a while now but could never be bothered. Ladling sarcasm on with a trowel is only clever and effective if you're a school prefect. And even then, not that clever...

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 18:08

fabergeegg - No-one is chuckling at mutual ineffectiveness or anything like it. My daughter is not out smoking a crack pipe (on a school night!); she's simply being inconsiderate about mealtimes, which is pissing me off slightly.

PMSL at 'shouldn't have had children.'

I think you need to get a grip, frankly.

OP posts:
Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 18:10

MumnGran Of course parents should be negotiating, and maintaining reasonable boundaries with this age group ..... but it IS a time of rapid change, a time of movement towards full independence and a time to start relaxing some controls so they can establish their own. Families will vary on which of those controls they loosen first.

You're so right. I don't think keeping 16/17 year olds in a state of dependent infancy is helpful to anyone.

OP posts:
fabergeegg · 30/05/2013 18:13

Mumngran: Totally agree regarding flexibility in mealtimes. If your kids refused to tell you what shifts they'd be working, you might be feeling differently. And something tells me it's highly unlikely that the OP's DD is actually working. I think she'd have said. I assumed (fairly reasonably I still think) that the OP was having problems because she could not even place an expectation on her DD that she would do her own washing up. That's ridiculous, given that the £20 would be a compromise in the first place, allowing her to eat when she wishes. I'm not saying she won't grow up to be a high achieving adult, just making the point that the OP seems totally at a loss to set any sort of boundary. Eating healthily and turning up at a set time are issues of health and safety. It's not acceptable to turn away from that when her daughter is so young, especially when the OP is pessimistic about her ability to look after herself.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 18:15

To be frank, fabergeegg, your response: You're in trouble... wasn't very 'clever' and really blew everything up out of all proportion.

OP posts:
Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 18:18

And something tells me it's highly unlikely that the OP's DD is actually working.

Why don't you read the thread, fabergeegg?

'Totally at a loss to set any sort of boundary... health and safety... turn away...'
Your assumptions and assertions are making me feel quite angry now.

OP posts:
fabergeegg · 30/05/2013 18:19

twofingers: I would be all about seeing your DD take on lots of responsibility in such a way that would lead to her being well fed and safe. Your DD would be a lot more grown up if you did this. Given the expectations on her and the importance of performing to the best of her abilities at school, I think it's more important that she eats healthily than that she's grown up (especially when that seems to consist of buying sandwiches because she can't wash up Hmm).

MumnGran · 30/05/2013 18:22

I am not sure what age your own children may be, but to be honest if the only thing my teenage DC had ever challenged me on was whether they didn't do washing up then I would a) count myself as extremely lucky and b) wonder if they were developmentally challenged.

It is normal behaviour for teenagers to challenge rules, and accepted parental wisdom. Its how they achieve sentient adulthood. Check any tome on psychological development.

Expectations are obviously in place, and teenagers will challenge most of them at some point. We all handle that differently. People are welcome to their own views on where they would draw battle lines with their own teens, but it is somewhat unfair to flame a poster because your challenge-threshold differs.