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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

223 replies

twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:15

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 30/05/2013 13:37

'I would continue to provide full fruit bowl, cheese, bread and milk, etc. - just not 'proper' cooked meals.'

DD is now a fabulous and nerdy cook, with a wide number or recipes at her fingertips.
DS is more of a forager...but he looks OK on his so-far random diet.

Llareggub · 30/05/2013 13:37

Why can't she tell you? What does she do after school?

MortifiedAdams · 30/05/2013 13:38

twofingers I didnt say you were a poor parent. But you clearly havent expected and insisted from a young age that she clear up after herself. This why you now have a 16yo who you are unable to make do anything.

cantspel · 30/05/2013 13:38

so she still needs money from you. So if she doesn't clean up after herself dont give her any.

Donnadoon · 30/05/2013 13:38

I feel your pain OP ...We are muddling through this phase too...My 16 yr old ds either heats up what ive cooked (once a day) or makes himself something else...it drives me mad to scrape away another dinner not eaten from the night before. I wouldnt give money to him because it wouldnt get spent on food. Dont know about your dd though?

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:39

But you clearly havent expected and insisted from a young age that she clear up after herself.
Erm, yes, I have. I think it's called 'rebellion' and is quite common in teenagers.

OP posts:
Justfornowitwilldo · 30/05/2013 13:42

What do you do for her? Wash her clothes? Iron them? Give her money? I'd stop that until she is cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. It's not like asking her to scour the bathroom. Tidying up after yourself isn't optional.

As for food, rather than £20 I'd keep in baking potatoes, sandwich wraps in the freezer, some salad bits and cheese and cooked meats. She's then catered for reasonably healthily without the potential for too much mess. If you give her £20 she may well spend it on something other than food and make toast when she's home.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:43

To all the people saying - leave her a portion to reheat: this is ignoring the fact that I'd rather not cook a full-on meal for someone who may or may not come in and eat it. I particularly don't want to do this at 7 p.m. after a very long working day. If we were a large family I might be more philosophical and think 'well, I'll cook and someone will eat it eventually...' We are a very small unit of two people. I don't like chucking out leftovers.

OP posts:
cantspel · 30/05/2013 13:43

I have a very soon to be 17 year old and a 15 year old both are more than capable of cooking their own food and cleaning up after themselves.

I dont allow "rebellion" as this is their home too and i expect them to pull their weight in it. If they dont then i wont fund their social lives.

Money or the lack of it should make her see the error of her ways.

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 13:43

Well some children are just bloody minded, awkward, boundary pushing cusses really. I offer DS1 as a prime example of this. I offer DS2 and 3 as examples of well trained teenagers.

I do realise there are some perfect parents on this forum, please in box me your address, I will deliver DS1 round to your house and you can retrain him for a week Grin. Unfortunately he suffers with a form non-hereditary bone idleness that no one else in the family is afflicted with.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 30/05/2013 13:45

Responding to her poor behaviour by giving her money for fags takeaways would be poor parenting. Instead you withhold money/wifi password/whatever until she does her chores, and you let her make her own food out of what you provide if she won't commit to meals with you. If your only idea to get her to tidy after herself is h

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 30/05/2013 13:45

hold a gun to her head then maybe you need some more parenting tools.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:46

cantspel - why have you assumed I 'give her money'? I don't. I pay for her school lunches, uniform, toiletries and twice a year or so we shop for clothes. She has no money to spend freely, except what she earns from her job. She knows that I will not give her money if she just sits on her lazy arse all day. If she were to contribute to chores I would give her an allowance. She knows this.

OP posts:
Whatsthatnoise · 30/05/2013 13:47

When I was a little younger than your dd my mum used to stock the fridge with packs of ready chopped stir fry veg and straight to wok noodles. That is pretty much what I ate for dinner every night, she would occasionally leave me something in the microwave. Shocking thing is she made my older brothers dinners every night until he was 22 Sad Envy

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:48

What do you do for her? Wash her clothes? Iron them? Give her money? I'd stop that until she is cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. It's not like asking her to scour the bathroom. Tidying up after yourself isn't optional.
No I don't do her laundry any more. I don't iron full stop (don't believe in it) and don't give her money.

OP posts:
3Caramel · 30/05/2013 13:49

I wouldn't be giving her cash for being disorganised or evasive! Either cook her dinner anyway, that she can then heat up in the microwave, or only cook a couple of times a week - but freezer friendly batches, so there's always something homemade she can have at just the touch of a button!

I'd also maybe try a bit of emotional blackmail about how you enjoy having dinner with her, as a chance to catch up on how she is etc. and try to pin her down to at least a few nights a week.

Good luck!

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:49

Donnadoon - you know what it's like, then! What happens to them when they hit the teens? Argh!
I think you might be right that the money would be spent on non-food. I hadn't thought of that. She'd probably spend it all in H&M!

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 30/05/2013 13:50

My DBro can't manage on less than £35 a week for food at Uni now, not if he wants to include any fruit or veg in his diet at all. He's had that budget since he started Uni at 18, he's now 22. And he's finding that harder to stick to now. He used to have a couple of quid left over at the end of the week, he never does now.

SirChenjin · 30/05/2013 13:50

DC1 is my awkward, bloody minded one - every family should have one! Getting him to lift his little finger is a battle, but one I always, always win (mwah ha ha!) - he relies on me far more than I rely on him, so if he wants money/his laundry done/lifts/his friends round/etc then he knows he has to pitch in.

I would just buy in tins of the basics, eggs, bread, fruit etc and let her fend for herself when she decides she is coming in. (I think I would be addressing the issue of boundaries a 16 too, but that's another thread...)

CouthyMow · 30/05/2013 13:50

Ah, not so bad if it's not including lunches.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:52

Grin Holly... you are speaking my language.

OP posts:
Karoleann · 30/05/2013 13:52

I wouldn't give her any money - just have some stuff in the fridge and freezer and she can feed herself during the week. As long as you have pasta, potatoes, tomato sauce, vegetables, eggs, a tin of tuna and meat in the freezer she can make herself something.

After a couple of weeks she'll probably either get bored of doing it - in which case she can start telling you when she'll be in or she she'll get into the cooking thing more.

Original poster
twofingerstoGideon · 30/05/2013 13:53

Holly - do you want to swap teens for a week? Mine would be good as gold in a stranger's house, albeit a little monosyllabic. I'm always being told how polite and well-brought up she is Hmm

OP posts:
Chopstheduck · 30/05/2013 13:55

I agree with sirchenjin, she will need you more, you need to take the upper hand again.

If dhe doesn't eat it when she gets home, she can eat it for breakfast Grin

I went on strike last time my 8 year old refused to help. Started in the middle of dinner - which went cold before I let him dish it up himself. Lasted a day and a half, he was running around like mad trying to make up for it cos he needed a lift for scouts!

Tortington · 30/05/2013 13:57

much depends on the inherent lazy arsed bastards they are.

I have two twnty yr old girls (one is my dd) and her twin brother living at mine.

the girls work, pay for and cook their own shit.

ds eats cereal.

I am so over it - from coaxing to leading by example, to rule setting - oh believe me... ive done it all
taken him shopping - he chooses - then I pay - everything, I've done.

in short hes a lazy bastard

cereal.