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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 29/05/2013 10:39

Yes. you are.

You need to step back. You are coming across as interfering. You do have to ask. It is not your child and you are upsetting them by your actions

They want you to step back and for that reason, you need to step back.

It doesn't matter that you don't think you should ask. They want you to ask.

They are telling you how they want you to act. This problem would be solved in a second if you just did it.

Then, when the relationship is stronger and they don't feel like you are interfering and taking over, you will probably find that they are less likely to push you away.

But they're probably being like this because you seem to them to be pushy and overbearing.

If you back off and just do what they ask of you, I bet you'll find that they will actually appreciate it, meet you in the middle and you can all enjoy a better relationship.

But you need to lose the 'I don't need to ask, this is MY baby' attitude, cos I bet that's what's pissing them off.

BunnyLebowski · 29/05/2013 10:45

Everything Hec said.

I would have been the same if my (admittedly useless) MIL had interfered like that in DD's first months.

It's not your baby. Back off.

BriansBrain · 29/05/2013 10:46

Well said ImToo

Jengnr · 29/05/2013 10:46

I think you are being unreasonable, particularly the line about her being 'all of yours'. I have a five month old son and if anyone except his Dad said he wasn't mine, he was theirs too I'd be livid. I'm cross on your DIL's behalf about that in fact.

As for the 'seeing to' her - your DIL is a new parent finding her way and she may well take anything like that to mean you think she can't cope or she's a terrible mother. She may well already be feeling sensitive about that.

Just back off a bit, be supportive instead and defer to her opinion*. It's worth it to ensure a good relationship in the long run.

*Obvious caveat if the child is in danger.

Tee2072 · 29/05/2013 10:47

Agree with everyone else. Not your baby. Back off.

WeAreSix · 29/05/2013 10:49

A little U, yes although I'm sure you have good intentions.

My mum used the 'my girl' for my DDs and I didn't like it. In fact when she said 'how's my beautiful girl' (meaning my DD) I would reply with I'm fine thank you.

Step back, wait to be invited and start building bridges.

landofsoapandglory · 29/05/2013 10:51

What Hec said.

She isn't your baby, she's their's. You need to back off a bit.

DiscoDonkey · 29/05/2013 10:51

"She is all ours"

Erm no she's not. You can keep pushing ahead thinking your in the right but you will lose out in the long run.

LIZS · 29/05/2013 10:52

DIL thinks you are undermining and criticising her parenting , even if that is not your intention. She and your ds are having to learn parenting skills , may get it wrong from time to time or do things differently to how you might, but that is part and parcel. Agree with others relax and do as you are invited or ask first. If you don't you risk creating a rift and ultimately not seeing your gc at all.

samuelwhiskers · 29/05/2013 10:52

Agree with what everybody else says. Listen to your DIL, she is trying to tell you how she wants you to behave and she is in fact being quite patient. I am surprised she hasn't bitten your head off by now! The baby isn't "your girl" or "our girl", she has a name. You definitely need to start asking before assuming you are doing the right thing.

LoopyLooplaHoop · 29/05/2013 10:52

Are you really the grandmother, or is this a reversy percy?

LaurieFairyCake · 29/05/2013 10:54

This has to be a reverse unreasonable.

Or you're dim as mince.

SpanishFly · 29/05/2013 10:55

I wouldn't have been happy if someone decided my child needed winded. That's basically saying she doesn't know her own daughter, and you know best. And don't ever ask to wind her - always wait till she asks you.

However the phrase "my girl" wouldn't offend me. That's quite a normal thing for grandparents to say, imo

CloudsAndTrees · 29/05/2013 10:55

I don't think you have done anything wrong, and I think the responses you have had so far are wierd!

I can't see a problem with asking how your girl is, it's just a show of affection for a baby who you love! That's it. It's not as if you were trying to deny who her parents are or something!

I can't see why you wouldn't be allowed to push the pram, except for the fact that your DIL is unfortunately a control freak. I sometimes ask if I can push my friends baby in his pram because its fun when your own babies have long since grown up, and like most normal people, she loves the fact the people close to her want to be close to her baby and enjoy him too.

With picking the baby up, I can see that it might be better to ask, so that is fair enough. But the fact that you didn't is a minor irritation, not something that you should end up being told off for.

I think your DIL sounds horrible personally, there is only so much that hormones and being a new Mum can excuse you for. Being nasty to a loving grandparent was completely uncalled for.

Mehrida · 29/05/2013 10:56

I can see that you're trying your best and your heart's in the right place.

If you just back off a little then your DS and DIL will appreciate that more.

I would've got a proper rage on if MIL picked up DS to wind him after I'd fed, winded and put him down. It would've felt like she thought I wasn't capable.

They obviously want you to have a good relationship with their DD because you're getting to see her a lot. It's not a big deal to just ask before you take on doing stuff with/for her.

Throwing the odd compliment your DIL's way would probably help too.

Icelollycraving · 29/05/2013 10:57

Sorry but Yabu. The shaking of the head would have really pissed me off.

HollyBerryBush · 29/05/2013 10:58

Well, I'm going to put the cat right in with the pigeons.

If I'd spoken to my MIL like that (or indeed DH to my mother in such a tone) each of us would have had words with the other. There are ways and ways of saying things.

Possessiveness and treating a baby like property - and I love the way its said its the mothers baby, like the father hasn't got a say in it.

So the DIL doesn't want the baby picked up - fair enough, but you say something like "Shall I pick baby up", not automatically reach for her.

"My girl" is an expression, DIL over reacting there. A lot.

Although this OP is so stilted, I think it is written by the DIL to justify her thoughts, not by an affronted MIL

SixPackWellies · 29/05/2013 10:58

I think I am with Mehrida on this one. But I also understand that you love and adore your gc and want to express that.

PotteringAlong · 29/05/2013 10:59

My MiL does the whole "my boy" and "my baby" thing about my DS. I've never asked her not to but it makes my hackles rise every single time.

Yabu

Original poster

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:59

Thanks for all your comments.

I just want more time with my grand daughter. I suppose I should back off a bit. She is our first grand daughter and I'm desperate to spend more time with her.

I appreciate your comments.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 29/05/2013 11:00

Whats the back story on this? There must be one?

Original poster

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 11:01

I totally agree cloudandtrees

OP posts:

FieryChipotle · 29/05/2013 11:02

OP,I don't think you've done anything 'wrong' per se, it just sounds as if DIL wants to find her feet as a mother. Maybe she's a bit insecure and feels like she's being undermined RE: the winding thing or her daughter being called 'my girl' by you.

Personally, I think the examples you have given sound a bit petty. Maybe she's tired and stressed or maybe there's more to it. How well do you know her? Do you get on? Speak to her, see what she would like you to do when you visit. If you know your boundaries, you are less likely to upset her.

The baby is only 4 months. It won't be long before she might want a little break and let you take the baby out for a walk etc. I think you just need to ride this out while things are new and let DIL settle into parenthood.

Jengnr · 29/05/2013 11:02

It's early days remember. I know you've probably waited for her for a long time but she's only four months old. Once a week is more than reasonable.

If you back off a bit now you'll be able to spend much more time with her when she's a bit bigger, living close you're very likely to become the go to guy for them but you really need to make sure you don't tread on their toes too much now.

Jengnr · 29/05/2013 11:04

More than reasonable sounds a bit much in my post above. Sorry, I meant it was a decent amount of time (provided they don't fly in for half an hour then disappear - a couple of hours/half a day is a good time).

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