Was I out of line?

[Bwalker2012]

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

The thing that pissed me off so much about being told how to look after my babies is that the ones with all the opinions weren't there interfering and telling me what to do at 3am! Miraculously I seemed to know what I was doing all day and night long without their input. But then suddenly for one afternoon I was completely useless and didn't know that my baby's feet were cold, needed winding, changing, was thirsty ,tired etc And if I didn't jump to it and sort out their perceived problem immediately it was all tutting, HEAD SHAKING and poor thing (baby not me)
A new mother is getting to know her own baby and by four months pretty much knows what her baby needs. If your DIL wants advice she will ask for it. You really need to listen to your son and do what you are asked. If you ask how you can help and what they would like you to do , you will find that things will change and you will become a welcome visitor. But wanting to do it all on your own terms will get you nowhere.She should have let you push the pram though

I think best thing-phone up, apologise if you've offended, you didn't mean it.

You'd love to see them & will they let you know when it works for them.

How did you get on with DIL before the baby?

My MIL tolerated me.

Then when I became pregnant, FIL told me how important it was that MIL & I got along

Well, it wasn't important enough that they ever came to see just me & the children thank goodness

Ooh-epic strike out fail!!

Just to clarify my babies feet didn't need winding Maybe I did need some advice after all

Did you give birth to your grandchild? No, your DIL did, therefore she is in charge of her own child. You've had your children let your son and DIL enjoy their own child. You don't have a right to your grandchild, you take what access they give you and you like it, without moaning.

If the DIL had posted on here about MIL calling her 'my girl' and constantly on her about picking the baby up, pushing her etc most posters would be telling the DIL to be firm and get her DH to get his mother to back off.
I think the pushing the pram bit was possibly an over reaction BUT it may have been the last straw in what she is seeing as you being over bearing.
Have a chat with her by all means but don't start throwing accusations at her. It won't help matters.
YABU.

Actually, I think some posters can be pretty mean and intolerant of DiLs!

All through the OP, it says that the son is backing up his wife. He has told his mother to back off and give them some space. Not that the DiL asked him to tell her to back off, or that his wife needs space so let's just humour her.

Some of you are so keen to leap to the MiL's defence, you've failed to see this as a joint and equal request from both DiL and the son - both.

Oh lordy you could be my MIL 15 years ago, it ruined our relationship for ever. Was I overprotective, yes probably, but as first time mum I was insecure and felt that the constant invasion was telling me I wasn't good enough. Back off and you might have wonderful years in the future with them, if not she might take the route I did and avoid the women at all costs. Little and often and when asked.

Overcome by awe and warm feelings of love, I once called DD "my beautiful girl." DW eyes visibly narrowed, nostrils flared, hard stare, and she said "She's not yours, she's mine."

I have said the same on many other occasions since without getting the same reaction.

At the time I thought it was just DW being mental, but after reading this thread, if the majority of mothers find this phrase a threat, maybe it's mothers in general who are mental.

(For my own safety, I suppose I'd better avoid reading any replies...)

I don't think you are basically being unreasonable, but it does sound as though there is a bit of a battle over boundaries developing. Your DiL is trying to set boundaries, perhaps because she is frightened that you will take over at a time she is feeling vulnerable and uncertain. Then you feel frightened that you are going to miss out of time with your DGC, so you push harder to be involved. Then DiL pushes her boundaries harder because she feels you are overstepping and so the battle escalates.

If you can try and back off a bit for a while, you'll probably find things improve as you both relax into your new roles as mum and gran. If you dig your heels in now, the damage to the relationship with your DiL may become permanent.

BTW, I think your DiL will be embarrassed about her behaviour in years to come, but there is no reasoning with a hormonal new mum with a PFB - so it's down to you to be the bigger person I'm afraid.

I'm starting to see why some people are saying to back off I do find it hard. The last time I was at their house my grandchild brought up a bit of breastmilk and my dil rushed to wipe her mouth and I tried to help, she told me to leave it as she had it covered. I just feel she doesn't want me to help, I just want to feel part of helping.

I will keep back and ask in future....

I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable, and obviously neither are being malicious. None of the incidents mentioned in themselves are that terrible.

However, it is obvious that your DIL is finding you overbearing. Your son is asking you to give them some space. She is being assertive about her baby, but I'm sure isn't intending to be rude to you.

They're asking you really clearly what they would like you to do - ask before doing anything to the baby, don't talk over your DIL. Are you giving lots of advice? Maybe just bite your tongue for a while.

As time goes on and the baby gets older I'm sure things will relax a bit. Build a good relationship with your DIL now and you'll reap the rewards when your granddaughter is a little older and can have days out with you, spend the night etc.

You should ask first, as others have said. But do not ask, for example, if the baby's nappy needs changing, soon as you cross the threshold. This does imply she has neglected to do it in your absence, and you have luckily arrived to save the baby. My mother does this, it is infuriating.

Why are you so desperate to help?

Did you have help from your MIL?

Or did you want help & not get it?

Tell her you're willing to help & she only has to ask.

TBH I would have taken any unwanted help as a sign that it was thought I wasn't coping/doing it right.

LondonMan that is a sad story because of course she is your girl as much as your wife's, but calling women mental is not helpful and if you are 'brave' enough to post that remark you should be brave enough to read the responses.
Bwalker, good on you for talking the advice on board. I can imagine that it is difficult for you. I was actually quite taken aback by sister not taking some advice from me quite recently. I thought I was being helpful I hope things will improve over time.

Bwalker2012 probably best that you do for your own safety. Reflecting on this thread I was probably a bit mental with my own PFB, but by the time DS2 came along 16 months later I was just totally grateful for anyone taking an interest in either child for a minute, so I could have some peace, so your time may well come yet!

Bwalker - jumping in to wipe the baby's mouth or wind her is too much. But for example if the phone rings, you could offer to told the baby while your DIL gets it? Or even better, offer to help your DIL rather than the baby - you could offer to make her a cup of tea while she sits down with the baby for example.

I think I was quite lucky in that it was my mum (who I am close to) who has the tendency to be a bit overbearing and gives out advice, so I was able to tell her to back off without causing too much offence My MIL was absolutely brilliant, told me what a good jump I was doing but didn't offer any unsolicited advice or try to take over with the baby. DS is almost 3 and loves them both.

Maybe help in some other way? My MIL cleaned my house for me in the early post-natal days and I was profoundly grateful. She is also great at ironing and baking! I was very over-sensitive as a new mother and maybe your DIL is too but I hope it gets better for you all soon.

And - just as a thought, is it possible that your DIL might have PND or just be struggling a bit in general? It might mean she has a greater need to control events and make her extra-sensitive to perceived criticism.

I think that really is a good choice.

She needs to know that you don't think she can't take care of her baby! That you don't think she needs you to wind the baby or that she can't wipe her baby's mouth!

Trust her to know how to do the basic day to day stuff for her child. She doesn't need your help with that. She's got it. As has your son! They don't need you to leap up and try to Sort It Out.

Why not give them a present - chocs, or a nice dvd or something? and tell them that you know they're great parents and never meant to imply otherwise. you've just been over excited because you love them all so much, but you realise you've been a pain, but it's just because you're so happy for them both and happy to be a grandma. And that from now on - you'll help only when asked! You just want to enjoy being with them all.

I bet that would be so appreciated and would really thaw things. They'd probably climb down too and meet you in the middle.

You could have such a great relationship with them if you give them what they're asking for and let them know that you only want to be a loving grandparent and you're not trying to say they don't know what they're doing.

"We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time. "

Also, check that you are not seeing them too often. Are you bulldozing them into visits, or turning up unannounced?

btw "assertive" is not a problem. If your dil is being assertive and you don't like it, you are the problem. If you are using "assertive" as a euphemism for "hostile" or "aggressive", please don't, because it is muddying the waters.

I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable.
Your DIL has had a baby relatively recently, and therefore has the excuse of being temporarily insane to cover her unreasonableness however!

I really detest it when my mother insists on facetimeing me EVERY day and asking how "her" boy is - I tell her she needs to call my brother and find out because I haven't spoken to him. I know some people subscribe to the "takes a village" idea of childraising, but I struggled through a lot of heartache to have my ds1 and now ds2 is on the way, again after a lot of heartache, and I am very protective of them being mine and dh's babies!!! Nobody else has had the struggles and tears over several years that we have, so nobody else has the right to feel "ownership" of my children. My mother is weird and a bit of a control freak/ queen bee type woman, and forgets that my DS is not her son, and tries to mother him, but he hates it and she also now can read signs from me and dh that it makes us edgy too - plus my dad is good at moderating her control freakery. I think that's why I feel so strongly about the "my baby" thing!

I can also see why your DIL may feel her parenting is being called into question by you picking the baby up, however I think she is BU by not just offering you a cuddle!

The pushing the pram thing is silly. It's her baby and her pram, and no doubt the novelty will wear off soon and you will get lots of pushing if you just wait and bide your time.

Just back off and give them some space to get used to being parents their way, then you wont ruin the relationship and will be as involved as you like once they have the new baby madness out of the way!

Look, all new mothers are inclined to be over-protective. Apart from anything else, you need to get to know your own baby and no matter how confident you are on the outside, the first few months are nerve-wracking enough with a first baby. My former MIL meant well but there were times when she tested my tolerance to the limit with her endless comments and advice that always started "That baby needs...

I'm now a grandmother. I adore my 2.6 year old dgd and think I'm incredibly fortunate to be as involved as I am with her and have spent so many happy hours watching her grow into a funny, opinionated, confident little girl. But for sure, when she was a baby I didn't pile in with unwanted advice or demands to push prams, or wind her. I wouldn't have referred to her as "my girl" either. Because she's not mine, in that sense. She's my ddil and ds2's girl and my beautiful dgd.

Your ds and ddil will have different ways of parenting from you. Things change over the years and you need to accept this.

You've not committed any terrible crimes here, OP and I'm sure you mean very well but clearly your ddil and ds feel pressurised by the approach you are taking right now. So just stand back and little and yes, if you feel it is right, apologise for getting off on the wrong foot.

Oh and also my mother is a retired hv so thinks she knows the answer to everything as she is a "professional" - she still hasnt got the idea that I think HV are a waste of space and dont actually have a clue what the answers are, since there aren't answers that fit every baby!!!!

'I just feel she doesn't want me to help, I just want to feel part of helping.'

Offer to help her with something then...just say, I'm not trying to interfere and I know you're coping brilliantly, but I remember how hard it was with a new baby and I'd like to help if I can. Is there anything I can do to free up some time for you?

For what it's worth, I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I'm not your DIL and she clearly thinks you are. It sounds like she either thinks you're interfering or criticizing her by trying to do things with the baby, just make it clear you're not, that you just want to be helpful and I'm sure you'll both be able to get into the swing of a relationship that includes a new baby.

Helping her is a wonderful idea, even making her a brew can be a very good thing as sometimes in the early months you can really feel like you don't have the time or energy to boil the kettle...
As callofthefishwife says try and think back to how you felt in those early months with your firstborn. Did you have people butting in (or youfelt were butting in) and trying to take baby off you? Because I know I did and that feeling will stay with me right through to when/if one of mine makes me a grandma.