Was I out of line?

[Bwalker2012]

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

I don't think YABU to want to do things for your grand child but your DIL does so maybe it would keep everyone happier if you did ask before you did things like winding. Maybe you could all have a little talk to sort this out as you obvioulsy want to be a big part of your grand daughter's life but you have to remember that she is their first baby and they want to do things their way.

I know my mum always says "how are my girls?" and I would never think badly of that but I have to admit I always wanted to push my baby in the pram and there were times when my mum wanted to push and I said no. She understood though and never got upset.

I agree with holly I suspect there is a back story here. The things you mention aren't terrible in isolation but if for the last four months you have been too intense then I suspect dil is now at a point where everything you do is irritating.
I have a tetchy relationship with mine and I know I let things get to me which under normal circumstances wouldn't be a problem, but I harbour a lot of resentment which makes feel very unreasonable towards her.

YABU- a bit, I know you are excited but you are interfering as such- you aren't letting them find their feet and probably do appear to be pushing in or undermining especially if you are over every week and have been since the start. My nan had a 'standing invite' to come over every week, and hated being made to wait two but the invite this was after years of pushing herself in and ignoring my mum and dad's attempts to put her off and have just a few weeks or month to themselves- don't let things get that far by ignoring your son and his partner's advice, take it on board and back off a bit, let them come to you.

The 'my girl' thing, that grated on my sisters nerves when my mother did it and after a word with my mum she looked back and realised if her mum had been the same she too would have disliked it-the baby isn't public property, she's your grandchild of course but she's 'their girl' and, especially if this is their first, they want to be revelling in that.

After reading everyone's messages I do feel a bit upset that you think I am being unreasonable. I just want to be there for my grand daughter.

She told me that she found me irritating. Apparently I speak over her.

My son said I should give them space. I'm thinking of inviting her over for some cake and coffee so we can chat this out. As I know she is annoyed with me I just want to mend this quickly.

Actually I think your DIL is being a quite rude, although I suspect everyone on here will disagree with me because it seems on mumsnet babies only belong to the mother

I would give her space though she probably reads mumsnet and thinks she's totally in the right and that you're a cow.

I agree with almost everybody.

It's not that she doesn't appreciate you for being the baby's grandma, and she's probably glad that you visit.

It's the "she's all of ours" that would piss me off, and picking her up to wind her when she doesn't need it.

These are the phrases you need to use when you visit:
"How are you (as in DIL)?"
"How is your gorgeous baby?"
"Is there anything you want me to help with?"
"do you want me to make the tea so that you can get on with XYZ?"
"I have brought some biscuits/cake/nibbles"
"ah,

Sounds like DIL is being a bit PFB. I dont think you sound pushy or interfering at all, just excited and caring and wanting to express that. just give it time.

"She told me that she found me irritating. Apparently I speak over her. "

it's been building for some time, then.
she's just decided to lay down the groundrules now, so that the relationship isn't ruined beyond repair.

I think as a grandparent you need to hold back.
You can spend time with the family without having to take charge of your grand-daughter.
It's good that your DIL is prepared to have a chat with you about it.

Actually I'd go as far as to say I can't work out why so many women on mumsnet are offended by grandparent's loving their children.

I have never heard anything as petty as the 'my girl' thing. Ffs isn't anyone allowed to say anything these days without someone getting offended?
My mum and mil refer to 'my boy' and 'my babies' and its perfectly natural and normal.

I am sure you will be able to spend more time with your GD once she is a little older, if you learn to back off, and allow your DS and his partner time to get used to being a family.

FWIW I think you are very lucky to have a DIL that is able to tell you when she feels you have crossed a line. Why don't you listen to what she is saying and abide by her wishes. I am sure everything will work out in the end if you do.

Good luck!

The point is not whether we would like it, or we think it's weird or right or wrong.

That's irrelevant. Because we aren't the son and the daughter in law!

I've talked about my own parents many times. They are shit grandparents and I would have LOVED them to be involved, to want to take my kids and run off with them for a bit. To want to see more of them. To want to drink them up! I would probably cry with gratitude if the words "I'm desperate to spend more time with them" ever came out of their mouths. Never going to happen though!

But this isn't about me, and what I prefer. It's not about any of us and what we'd prefer. This is about reading and recognising that the OPs son and daughter in law are struggling here with the level of involvement and are seeing criticism and control.

They are clearly feeling like the OP needs to back off.

What matters more? Getting your own way, pushing on regardless because you feel like you ought to be able to and some other people think you should too - or listening to the other people involved (the new parents struggling with a big adjustment and finding their feet as parents and wanting to learn it. And having this brand new person that they really rather want to enjoy too) and being the one to say ok, I really want a good relationship, I can see that this is upsetting you and you think I am interfering and controlling, so I'm going to back off and give you what you want and in this way, we can have a better and closer relationship. You will see that I only love you all and want to be a part of your family and we can build a really great relationship.

Er Bwalker, surely your son knows his partner best? While your idea is lovely you really should go by what he says and give her space first. Maybe let her have some space then offer an olive branch? If you invite her right after being told to give her space by your son then likely this comes from her as well so by ignoring that (however good your intention) you will be ignoring your son's words, possibly annoying him, and be seen to be ignoring what's been asked of you and trying to push.

Back off a bit, tell your son that you will give them all space (since he's asking too, he could well be feeling the same) but that it would be nice if you and her (without baby) meet up at a later date to try and mend things

Simple rule - ask before doing anything. Don't just dive in. Don't offer advice, wait to be asked.

Personally I don't understand the whole baby possessive thing at all, more the merrier in my book. That's what family is about.

Your DIL will soon change her tune when she wants a night out with your son and needs a second pair of hands.

My children are my children but all of them have been called my best girl and my best boy by all grandparents I take it as a term or endearment not a slight. My mother has loads of grandchildren so that is a lot of best girls and best boys around our way. However you seem to have the opinion that the baby is in fact partly belonging to you which is not true.

As regards the winding thing I think most new mothers would be irritated by this. My MIL was forever diagnosing wind and then in later months moving on to teeth as my babies whinged in her arms. In reality the babies were just getting used to being in her arms as they were not familar with her yet, thankfully that has changed and they all adore her now. It made my teeth itch but like Holly I was being polite and I understood that she was chuffed at having her adored grandchildren with her and also being an 'expert' on babies.

To be honest I was a bit like your dil when my ds was a baby. I felt undermined and wanted to call the shots. I was very precious with him.
It all changed when my fil died suddenly when ds was 3 mths old. I didn't have any photos of fil holding ds and that made me really sad.
Everyone was heartbroken and ds became a focus for them to help them cope. From then on he was a 'family' baby. His happy nature helped them all come to terms with their grief.
As a result he has a lovely relationship with all of them. I feel he is a much happier child as a result of this. He is very secure in his life.

Honestly it's weird, do none of you have fond relationships with your grandparents that you look back on? Do you not want that for your own children?

I loved my grandparents so much, they're all dead now, but I cherish all the memories that I have with them. Yes I find both my PILs and my own parents really annoying at times, but my children deserve to have a chance to have a great relationship with their grandparents and I will do everything I can to facilitate that.

xpost - don't speak over her! People hate that.

Listen to what she is saying. Be open to it. See if there is any truth in it.

Do you butt in when she is talking?

A lot of us do. I do. It's something that you need to be aware of and train yourself out of.

I agree with the majority on here - you need to back off a bit. Even your son is telling you this. You're just not listening.

Actually I'd go as far as to say I can't work out why so many women on mumsnet are offended by grandparent's loving their children.

Oh I can - from my armchair psychiatrists office - it's about possession and control. It's also about the need to be the dominant force with someone else. Fractured family backgrounds, children are often seen as a cure all, the panacea, to curing their own childhood woes. Some mothers daren't run the risk that a tiny piece of affection from their child could be diverted somewhere else.

She does sound quite mean with the she's not yours comment. I would not have taken you saying how's my girl as personally as she did.

I can see both sides of the situation as i think a MIL and DIL relationship can be hard once a baby is involved. She sounds very sensitive and I personally would see you going to wind my ds as a helpful piece of advice IF it turned out he needed winding. I also think it's a bit much for her not to let you push the pram but it does depend on the situation. For instance, if I was trying to get ds to sleep or he was crying I would want to push the pram to try and calm him but if this wasn't the case I would be glad of a break.

But, I think you need to remember she is trying to find her way with her young daughter and probably sees it as you interfering. I would back off now as your son has told you to until she is more relaxed about it in the future.

This is like so many classic AIBU about my MIL?... rolled into one.

I was a control freak when my beloved PFB arrived. I was irrational, twitchy and generally unstable. One of the things that I will always love and admire about my mother is that she dealt with it amazingly well and accepted that I was temporarily insane, she left her ego and her rights completely out of it.
Including the moment when I was standing in the kitchen (BF baby) wondering how to fill the bottle with cool boiled water, and she asked,
'Can I help? '
'Iwanttoputwaterinthesterilisedbottleandidon'tknowhowbecauseifitakeitoutofthesteriliserDIRTYAIRWILLGETINSIDE'
No sniggers, no FFS, she persuaded me that moving swiftly and holding the bottle upside down until the last minute and her pouring the water would negate the threat of DIRTY AIR CONTAMINATION;
By 6 months, I was reasonably back to normal...and the teasing and usual interactions began again.
It's not about you and your needs Op, the best way to ensure a healthy relationship between you all is to adapt and know that your DIL is in charge, take a back seat and be willing to wait. Say positive things about her parenting whenever possible and pay attention when she wants you to do or not do something in particular.
And yes, you should ask.
I intend to be as accommodating as my mother was when and if I do become a grandmother. It worked so well for us.

and - your son says please give them space.

And you respond to that by saying that you want to get her over to your home (her - not them - her! When HE is the one who asked you for space!) so you can 'talk it out'. Take her on her own into your territory so you can force a conversation about how you want to be included? Not going to end well.

They asked you for space. If you gave it to them, they would see that you respect how they feel.

It would be a good first move towards a better relationship where you are more involved.