Was I out of line?

[Bwalker2012]

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

MrsLyman where has anyone said a) that this child belongs exclusively to the mother or b) that there is a problem with Grandparents loving their Grandchildren?

The child belongs to the parents, which has been said.

And it's been acknowledged that the OP is coming from a place of love but is being a bit too much.

I understand how desperate you are to spend time with your grandchild. However, as others have said your words/actions would annoy most new mothers, even if that was never your intention. Maybe you could try and think back and ask yourself how you would have felt if your own MIL had referred to YOUR baby as OUR girl/boy. OUR girl - that would have made me really, really angry and make my own daughter angry too.

As a new grandmother myself I ALWAYS, ALWAYS ask my daughter before I do anything with the baby, and if she says no, then no it is. I also never criticise and make sure to do things HER way and not MY way.
We get along brilliantly and I am lucky to be able to see the baby several times a week - he is the total love of my life. But perhaps if you did back off a little then you would have a better relationship with your DIL and see your grandchild more.

So I think the golden rules are - always ask before doing anything, always accept your DIL way is the right way, never criticise her mothering skills and praise them whenever you can and always acknowledge that the baby belongs to your son and DIL and not you.

Good luck - four months old is a wonderful time, just enjoy every second you spend with your grandchild (THEIR baby).

I agree with everyone else, you need to back away from the baby. That doesn't mean not spending time with her, just giving everyone some space.

The winding would've really got my back up, my ILs spent every bloody visit winding the bloody baby. Every cry or murmur was "oh ... she's got wind, pass her here, Bill." They still do it now out of habit and DD is almost two and finds it very odd!

This has made me quite sad actually. All I see is a loving grandmother who obviously adores her grandchild and what appears to be a bitch of a DIL who patently dislikes her MIL.

I live 4 hours away from my Mum and she misses her GC desperately. She has her own little nicknames for all three of my DC and I have no issue with any of them. She's also always been very hands-on with them all and, again, no problem.

I do wonder how this situation would have been taken on board if it wasn't about a MIL? Because, as we all know, MN just LOVES MILs doesn't it?

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

This bit would really upset me. You asked to push the pram. She said she was going to do it first. You got visibly annoyed with her because she wanted to push her own baby and you don't know why this pissed her off.

Yes, I do see that others agree a bit I went off on a bit of a rant there.

Although I don't actually agree that children belong to the parents, they are people not possessions, the whole concept of ownership regarding children sets me on edge for some reason.

I definitely think this is a reverse thread.

If not - you should back off, it's not for you to decide when the baby needs winding.

When my daughter was 3 days old and I was trying to get her latched on to breastfeed, my MIL (who I didn't even want in the bedroom, where I had gone for some privacy) literally grabbed her off me and started "winding" her. She was crying and crying because she was hungry, I was a new mum and needed space and time to learn to breastfeed in a relaxed environment.

It's a good job I am assertive or she would have walked all over me in every respect.

She also said "I've always wanted a perfect little girl, now I've got one". I thought (but didn't say) "no you haven't". I also thought "uh oh" and it did indeed take the best part of 2 years for her to get the message to let us learn to parent our own child in our own way.

MrsLyn, I don't know of the OPs son/DIL but i can tell you why my sister hated the phrase 'my girl'

From the moment her daughter was born, all the focus was (justifiably) on the baby but to the point where my mum's (and just mum, no one else was so closed focused) first words wouldn't be 'hello, how are you both' to my sis and her partner but 'how's my girl' what's been happening to her' and then talking to the baby- it got very frustrating and the 'my girl' became a focal point of contention for the whole behaviour whereby my mum (unknowingly) would ignore my sis and dh and treat them like spare furniture all the time. It's possible like my mum that OP is doing this and doesn't know.

Mum would also 'offer advice' which contradicted the health visitors and what my sis and her partner wanted but what was 'how she did it'- she interfered, tried to argue her point and even do to the baby to prove her point. She even insisted once her partner was doing it wrong with the nappy changing and pushed herself in taking over! She did however do it to help them both and out of love, still wasn't any less annoying.

I love mum but this OP could have been written 5 years ago by my sister and her partner-both were very frustrated but my sister couldn't say anything, her partner tried but came across to mum as the OPs DIL is here to some, hence why i had a word, as an 'outsider' it's easier to see the unreasonability in front of you.

Oh dear, you sound exactly like my MIL, in fact, are you her?

When my PFB first DC was born, my own MIL was completely overbearing, to the extent that her behaviour clouded those first few months for me. All of those things you describe, plus more.

Now that my DC are a little older, I can see that she must also have been a little frustrated because if my own mum had done any of those things, I wouldn't have minded. In a lot of cases that's just the way it is, I'm afraid.

You need to step back, let DIL settle into her new role as mum and let them establish their own little unit. Wait for them to come to you. Sadly, my own MIL was too thick failed to see that if she had just taken a step back, I would have gladly met her in the middle as someone mentioned above.

This sound's like she is very possessive and domineering, 'she told me off' fgs she is treating you like a child and if i was her I would be welcoming you into my daughters life not trying to push you out. You sound like a very caring grandparent btw, I can understand her point about the winding maybe but pushing the pram and you calling her daughter 'my girl' is just petty.

the DIL can push her baby every day, but once a week when Nanna comes round? Not too fucking hard is it to let her push the pram?

DIL sounds like a royal PITA to me.

This thread is

I don't think once a week to once every two weeks is a huge amount of time, certainly not enough to be interfering.

This 'she's all of ours' thing has me puzzled too. When I had my babies, I loved that attitude. I came from a place of love from both of our families, and I'm hugely thankful that my children were born into families where all of the adults cared for them and wanted to be part of their lives.

I will say though that compliments on my parenting from the older people on both sides of the family meant a lot to me, and still do, so I do agree with giving genuine compliments when they are warranted. As well as asking what, if anything, you can do to help.

But I just don't understand this mentality of new mothers that means they think they can be rude and unpleasant to people. Surely good mothers want their children to benefit from strong bonds with their grandparents and extended family, as well as their parents? I'm in my thirties and I still think I benefit from being close to my Gran when I was little. It doesn't take anything away from my Mum, just like my Children having a good relationship with their grandparents doesn't take anything away from me.

I hope my sons marry nice people that can get a sense of perspective when they have children.

If it is a reverse thread then all I can say is stop being a bitch your MIL isn't as bad as some clearly.

I love mine very much.

First time I met her my pfb was a few months old. He was being awkward about his milk and he was stressed and I was stressed.

She held her arms out and beckonned for me to give him to her. I practically threw him at her I was so grateful! She took him, and fed him and comforted him. She did everything.

she has raised 10 children, so I figured she knew what she was doing.

I have nothing against my mother in law or mother in laws in general. And as I say, my parents are the least interested grandparents in the world and I would LOVE them to love my kids this much.

but this isn't about us. It's about how they clearly feel and how the OP can best hold out an olive branch here. She needs to listen to what they are saying and give them what they need. In this way, she can get what she needs and it's a win win situation.

But I tell you this, if she carries on with the I will do what I want sort of thing - it's not going to end well for her. And that would benefit nobody.

But Holly, we're hearing one side of the story here, what if it's nana bring herself around to a begrudging invitation, trying to take control and take over? The pram pushing thing seems a bit off but it sounds like OP has been seen to be 'interfering but both DIL and the OPs son, ergo she probably is without even realising it at times and the pram pushing is one of the 'last straws'.

Yep, I have one DD and two DSs. Granted both sons are under 10 but I'm already dreading all this MIL shit that I have to come. Why is everyone so quick to bash MILs? I'm already concerned about future relationships with potential DILs and their children because, according to MN, all MILs are interfering bitches who should back off and not be loving towards their gc.

I know what you mean on the people, not possessions thing but they are the parents' children and that needs to be respected.

OP I have a great relationship with my Mum, her and my Dad have a great relationship with my son but since he's been born she's made the odd comment that has made me want to knock her head clean off her shoulders. I laugh now and take the piss out of her instead but if your relationship with your DIL is a bit more precarious it'll be worse so you're best just to respect their wishes.

I think if this had been about a mother rather than a MIL the response would have been the same. Bottom line is the DIl and the son have made their expectations clear and the OP has taken umbrage instead of doing her best to change behaviour that is clearly upsetting them.

HeartbrokenMum, my MIL is wonderful. Hope that helps :)

When I had my first baby (16 years ago), I felt that my IL's were trying to take over. The things they did (like hogging the baby all day) wouldn't have annoyed me if they came from my own mother because I know that my own mother loves me and so had my best interests at heart and was genuinely trying to assist me, but with my IL's, they didn't love me and their priority was the relationship with their grand child and not with me. I've probably not expressed that clearly but I hope you can see what I mean.

I was a young mum, trying to learn how to be a good mum - I wanted to push my own baby in the pram and felt an almost primal need to do all the things necessary for him and not see any other woman do it. It feels different with your own mum because she is part of you but a mil is 'other'.

I get that this isn't always fair or logical, but new mums don't want to feel crowded or judged or taken over. My IL's had no respect for this and spent every spare hour in my house and it got so bad for me I used to hide upstairs if I saw their car and pretend I was out. DH had to have a word and tell them to back off a bit.

We are okay now - civil rather than close, but MIL has a good relationship with my dc, but if she had backed off a bit in the early days our relationship might not be prickly and there might be more genuine affection. As it is, things got said in hormone fuelled emotion that can't really be unsaid.

I think the 'my girl' thing is an overreaction but coupled with a feeling of being stifled might just be the final straw for her.

I would give her the space she has asked for. I do understand that it is hard because you love this little baby but she isn't yours to raise as you will.

Jengr - glad to hear it!

Bwalker2012 Wed 29-May-13 11:07:05 : 'After reading everyone's messages I do feel a bit upset that you think I am being unreasonable. I just want to be there for my grand daughter.

She told me that she found me irritating. Apparently I speak over her.

My son said I should give them space. I'm thinking of inviting her over for some cake and coffee so we can chat this out. As I know she is annoyed with me I just want to mend this quickly.'

This isn't about you! You have undermined your DIL and are about to do it to your Son. He has asked you to give them some space, so your immediate thought is to ask her to come round and have it out. Leave them alone for a bit! And while you have some time 'off' to do some thinking. Consider 'being there' for your son, his wife and his daughter, as a family, rather than 'being there' for 'your granddaughter' to the detriment of your relationship with them.

I am quite biased because my MIL was a bitch who thought my child was hers & that she would make the decisions for us. She liked babies and when they got to a certain age she didnt bother anymore.

OP your grandchild is only a few months old. Whats the rush to spend all this time with the child, to do everything for the child. I would just let your son and dil settle themselves into life as new parents.

My MIL is wonderful too HeartbrokenMum.

And she does get to push the pram when we go out. She does bicker with FIL about whose turn it is but she wouldn't dream of getting her knickers in a twist if I wanted to do it.

Have a really big hard think back to when you had your first child. I mean really stop and think, not the fond memeories but think very very hard about things you probably have not thought of since they passed 30 or so years ago)

Really think long and hard about the hormones, tiredness, how much love you felt for your baby, being scared/concerned you were doing it right, the overwhelming responsibility etc etc.

None of this is an excuse for your DILs attitude and behaviour but will be playing some part.

To be honest my DC are now teens. I can remember my MIL driving me up the wall with always picking them up out the pram when I had spent ages settling them or chatting to them when I was trying to ignore their crying - as per HV advice and loads of other things that probably seemed harmless to anyone else but me. I had to find my own ways of parenting and routine and my MIL seemed to just walk in and do what she thought was right. Her intentions were probably good and full of kindness but I wish she just asked first and when I said NO, didnt pull a face, play the victim and even ignore.

Neither of us were right or wrong. But 2 completely generations and things and parenting advice changes. My sister did things with my neice as baby different to how I did with my 2 and there is only 8 years in age gap. The latest advice and info changes every few years.

Give them space and accept for now you need to ask to do anything with your grandchild. Ask is she sleeping?? I wont bother her now, perhaps when she wakes I could feed her/have a cuddle? and with this - avoid the temptation to do anything but just look. My Mil would still plant a kiss on their cheeks or stroke them - and I was so sleep deprived/sleep obessessed that the risk of disturbing the baby would make my blood boil.

In time as your grandchild grows, learns to crawl, chatter etc etc you will have a chance to get really close and be much more hands on. Infact I expect by the time the first birthday happens, DIL and son will be only too glad of your help, extra hands and eyes on their child.

But for now - respect the space you need to give and please dont refer to the baby as yours. Other advice I would recommend is not bragging (not saying you will or do but MIL did and tbh I felt venom at times for this alone) - do not say "Aww son was walking by 10 months" if grandchild is not - even if this is not a dig or concern. My MIL used to come out with ridiculous crap about how my DH was eating with a metal knife and fork and no bib or mess at 10 months, potty trained at 1 with no accident ever and was the Golden Child of the North West of England etc etc - obviously all this complete exaggeration but it all felt like a bit of a dig as I was there wondering if DD would ever get potty trained in time to start nursery/taking the high chair outside to just hose it down on the patio because she had made such a mess.