Was I out of line?

[Bwalker2012]

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

the MIL DIL relationship seems to change alot once you ad kids into the mix. It changes the whole dymanic. You obviously want to help and having raised her DP you obviously know how to raise children in a way she would like. But at the same time she has to find her own way. By trying to help you make her feel insecure becuase she knows you what you're doing.

You have to take a step back, wait for her to come to you. She will, but she needs to find her feet first. I imagine it's quite upsetting for now, knowing you could help, knowing you want to be involved. But you will be. You must feel a bit rejected too. But for now your job is purely a background role, give it a while and you'll be able to take a little more of an active role.

Just let your DS and DIL do their own thing for now.

I also agree you're being unreasonable, she isn't your baby and your DIL needs time to adjust to parenthood, how can she learn or bond if you're jumping in at every opportunity, DIL will eventually need your help and will ask for it until then back off a bit.

Also to your comment of agreeing with Cloudsandtrees of course you do as its what you want to hear, maybe you should listen to the majority and you will learn something and hopefully gain an insight into why your DIL is how she is being and that can only strengthen your bond.

Open your mind. You are being unreasonable. If you just wanted your position verified then AIBU is not the place for that.

You will get honest opinions here. And not always the ones you want.

She is not your baby.

Be respectful to your DIL. Give her space.

Be there when she needs you to be or is ok for you to be.

This is not about your needs.

If you want a good relationship with your gorgeous grandchild then respect her mother. This is not about you. Continue like you are and you may well find yourself seeing them all more and more infrequently. You'll become one of those once or twice a year grandmas. The ones who everyone keeps at arms length because they always push to put themselves first.

Do you want that?

A lot of what some people on here are saying is spot on about helping DIL and not the baby.

I felt a bit like a baby factory - I didnt count or matter to my ILs now I had given birth to their grandchild. (am sure I probably did matter but its how I felt).

MIL was all over the baby but reluctant to help with anything else or to actually help ME out.

I think it is fab advice and maybe will make up some ground between you all if you offer to help son and DIL and not the baby for now. That will then come naturally in time.

Offer to do the ironing. Offer DIL a cuppa whilst SHE sits with baby. Offer to get the phone, pop to the shop, peel the spuds for tea.

Help them and not the baby - and I think things will naturally develop as you all adjust to your new roles.

Thing is OP, you've only given point of view. You want to wipe baby's sick up.

But maybe from DIL's point of view it's just yet another time you try to butt in and take over. why does DIL need help wiping up baby sick? She probably does it many times a day. She's not incompetent.

Ok, you're not meaning to make her feel incompetent but maybe that is what is happening?

I get on well with DM and MIL. When DS was this age, they cuddled him and cooed over him but I did all the "parenting" bits, like changing nappies, BFing him, changing clothes, wiping up sick, comforting him when crying etc.

I liked it that way, and they followed my lead. Now DM will change DS' nappy (cos she looks after him when I'm at work) but MIL never has. She's never offered and I've never asked. I like seeing her play with DS, not cleaning him up.

I liked feeling needed when DS was 4 months, and this translated into doing the caring bits etc.

She is not your baby. YABU.

My MIL is a diammond but she seems to have a slip of the toungue and has, on several occassions, said things like 'come to mummy'. I have really had to bite my tongue on that one - I know its a slip of tongue but drives me insane.

Step back and let your DIL learn hew own ways of doing things.

At the time I thought it was just DW being mental, but after reading this thread, if the majority of mothers find this phrase a threat, maybe it's mothers in general who are mental.

I think it may be parents in general. When I referred to my 5 week old as 'my baby' my husband got all hurt and indignant saying it was his baby too.

I also agree with offer to help DIL not help the baby.

My parents were great at that.

LondonMan - it was your DW being mental.
if you're the father, then, yes, she's also your beautiful girl.

we're talking about grandparents claiming babies, not husbands.

"The last time I was at their house my grandchild brought up a bit of breastmilk and my dil rushed to wipe her mouth and I tried to help, she told me to leave it as she had it covered"

there is no reason at all why you would need to get involved with feeding. I think you were definitely being a bit too overbearing to get in there while she was obviously dealing with it herself.

Are you offering to get your DIL drinks/snacks etc, maybe that would be a way of helping?

Pretty much the first thing my MIL said to me when she saw me after having DD (three days after...what were we thinking?!) was 'I'll hold the baby, you can make me a cup of tea'. I'd had a third degree tear and was sat very painfully on the sofa having not slept for four nights. Our relationship went downhill from there.

Back off - if you offer to help when it is needed and importantly, in the way it is needed then your relationship will improve massively. By this I mean, could you help your DIL with things other than the baby? Shopping, cooking or cleaning? These were things I struggled with after having DD but had no help. When PIL came to stay, all they wanted was to do was sit and stare at the baby, order me around and wouldn't help with anything. They seemed to think all I wanted to do was wait on them hand and foot. I didn't want to, surprisingly! I was shattered, needed help and wanted to enjoy being with my baby without worrying about cooking or cleaning.

Also as others have said, don't compare babies and say 'oh I used to do it this way' or 'my baby did X by this age'. DD was crying once (probably wind) and DH asked his mum whether any of her three had cried much. She replied 'no, none of you ever cried'. DH and I still laugh about this now - it just shows how people's memories are perhaps not as accurate as they think!

There are 2 ways to help with a grandchild. You can help by winding, feeding, wiping up sick, changing nappies etc. Or you can help by cooking dinner, tidying up, sticking a load of washing on etc so that the parents can wind, feed, wipe up sick and change nappies etc.

The first way is taking over and interfering and about what you want/need, the second is helping and about what the new family want/need.

Did you carry your dgd for 9 months and suffer all the crap pregnancy stuff? Did you give birth to her? Do you give her all your care and attention 24 hours a day with next to no sleep? No? Well then she is NOT YOURS. If my dm or dmil said that it would seriously piss me off.

Your dgd does not need a grandparent at this stage in her life, her mother does everything she needs. Your dil on the other hand does need extra support and love - she will be neglecting her own needs at the moment.

I suggest you shift your focus for the time being from your dgd to your dil.

Agree, WestieMama. What's really, really helpful in the early months is someone making a cup of tea, putting the washing on, nipping down to the shops, bringing cake or running the hoover round. That way your ddil can concentrate on her baby. Which is what she'll want to do and needs to be left to do.

OP.

It's like this. You had your turn with your own children. Now it's your DIL's turn.

Every post you keep saying 'I just want this' and 'I just want that'.

This is not about you. By being so pushy and forward you are going to make the parents resent you.

Relax and let them do it their way. Stop being pushy and get those listening ears on. Listen to your DIL instead of talking over her.

I have someone in my life who takes over with dd4 and its annoying. Its lots of silly little things which are all pathetic but overall its a lot and yes pushing the pram is one of those things.

My own mother is bossy and overbearing. I've been told on several occasions that my approach is wrong and I should feed to a timetable and just ignore her in between. Not going to happen. She wouldn't take me telling her to back off because I was an over emotional new mum who didn't know what she was doing so my sister stepped in and made her back off. This wasn't a pfb though this was with my fourth but she will also be the last grandchild. Yes you want to be involved with your grandchild but it does sound like you are overstepping the line to interfering. Follow their lead and start askung what you can do.

Londonman Maybe not mad but I would wonder if she was trying to tell you something with a comment like that or more likely she was mad.

What kind of relationship did you have with your Dil prior to her giving birth ?
For most of us (generalisation ) we have a politish,respectful,friendly but intimately distant relationship with our PIL.For example its usually very different to the relationship we have with our parents.
Suddenly you are expecting this to change because YOU want it to,no matter what your Dil wants.
If your son has the courage to talk to you about this then for goodness sake listen to him.
For the record I have a great relationship with my MIL but relationships take time to develop they dont just change because someone has a baby or because you WANT them to.

I don't know why you would wind someone else's baby. I certainly wouldn't unless asked, in which case I would do it gladly.

Re your dil wiping the baby's mouth - that is a simple job with no need for you to help once dil has started it. So again, I don't know why you would intervene here.

How's my granddaughter doing would have been nice as she is your granddaughter. Rather than my girl/my baby, which grates on some people.

That said, these things are not huge crimes, but all this sort of little stuff mounting up when you have a new baby becomes one more thing that you just don't want to deal with.

It seems like you care about them all and want to be involved and that's great. However your dil is learning to be a mum and if she wants help, she can ask you. The problem is friction has now been created. Your son has told you that they need space and you will now have to give it to them or risk more friction. I suggest you leave them alone for a fortnight. If you want to see more of your granddaughter, next time you see them, it would probably be best to just let your dil get on with the winding, wiping etc and say to them both that if you can do anything to help, they just need to ask. Perhaps some compliments. Baby looks lovely, happy etc.

My inlaws are a pleasure to have visit. It's probably because I am quite similar to my mil and can get on easily. If it doesn't come naturally, you need to work at it!

In my experience some grandparents love to be able to show how effectively they can wind a baby, there seems to be a great worry that the baby isn't being winded 'properly' and that the only reason the baby is crying is because it hasn't been winded properly.

I think often some grandparents think that if only they could be given a chance to do the winding then the baby would stop crying. Don't know why this is, maybe there was a big deal made about winding when Formula was first popular?

I think they used to be obsessed with wind, Duelling. My MIL was horrified about my casual approach to it with both dcs - both ebf - and many were the comments about "That Baby will never sleep/has terrible indigestion/won't settle..." and so on. This was 30 years ago and neither me or other friends were at all bothered so I guess it's a 1950s thing.

Your dgd does not need a grandparent at this stage in her life

I find this so incredibly sad for some reason, doesn't matter how old we are we can never have too many people in our lives who love us surely.

I have the most beautiful photo of DS1 with his Granmother and Great Granmother on his first birthday he's cuddling his Granmotherand looking at Great Gran and has nothing but love in his eyes. Particularly lovely as Great Gran is no longer with us.

He also doesn't see my Mum that often but when we went to see her when he was 18 months he ran into her arms to give her the biggest cuddle ever.

These things were only possible because I bit my lip many times and let both mine and DH's parents get on with forming a relationship with their grandchildren.

I do agree that the OP should probably step back a bit and be more considerate of her DIL's sensitivities but at the same time the DIL could probably do with one of those grips people on here seem to love handing out.

YABU. 4 months is not a long time for your son and DIL to adjust to having a baby and at this point you really should ask before picking up. Asking to wind or cuddle etc just ends up sounding like criticism I am afraid.

Your DIL will be trying to create a routine for herself and the baby so visits where you offer to help around the house etc are great but remember she is enjoying having a baby and pushing a pram is a great novelty at the moment.

My mum refers to my DSs as 'her boys' and even implies that she loves them more than me - her logic being that she loves me and loves them because they came from me so therefore she loves them double. It really irritates me and means that I actually leave it longer between visits as I find it claustrophobic.

To be honest sounds like dil has been spending too much time on mumsnet

The fact is...your own son has asked for space.
He has politely made it clear that your overbearing attentions are unwelcome.
If you won't listen to him, then you're going to end up creating a rift and it will be your own doing.
Have some respect for their wishes. You're all 'I just want this' and 'I just want that'...but the fact is, what you want is really neither here nor there at this stage. You've had your kids...and now it's their turn.

I'm not disputing that you love your gd and want to be involved....I commend you for that...but really, rushing in to wipe baby's mouth when mum is already on the case, is just fucking annoying and unnecessary - it is getting in the way, not helping!!

Also...while your dil was a bit snippy when you wanted to push the pram...you really have no right to demand it, and shaking your head at her saying no was arrogant of you.

I think you sound like a lovely woman actually...and you dil rather prickly...but fact is, it's her and your son's call...and you have been told to back off...so do it.