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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

pictish · 29/05/2013 13:34

Thing is too...different families have different set ups. Some families pass babies around like communal property, and other families don't.

AlfieBear87 · 29/05/2013 13:35

MrsLyman - reading my post back, that sentence does sound sad. However in my opinion dgp's are not needed in the same sense the child's own mother is needed at 4 months of age.

If a child doesn't have loving gps it is very sad. If a child doesn't have a loving mother it's something that will affect them for their entire life.

I lost my dgd and df at roughly the same time when I was 5. I miss my df every single day. I only think about my dgd when we're talking about him as a family. Sad maybe but true.

lucamom · 29/05/2013 13:38

There are some mean mamma's on here! I hope you remember this when you're someone's MIL in the future.

My MIL sometimes does or says things which get on my nerves, but my babies are part of an extended family; a family who rallies round and helps out when we need them and she did a great job bringing up my DH, so she has earnt the right to love and cuddle my kids and call them hers if she sees fit (and only an insecure fool would take exception to it-no one disputes who actually gave birth!).

I get really annoyed on behalf of grandparents when I read threads like these (or the other favourite "how dare people want to visit the baby within the first 6 weeks of it being born. It's mine and I'll decide who can visit and for how long.."). One day we'll all be on gransnet complaining about our daughters in law treating us as badly.

Grandparents rock-please be kind!

strictlovingmum · 29/05/2013 13:39

Agree partially with some of the comments,
picking up baby the to wind, I personally would find odd and would probably ask you not to.
Letting you push the pram, yes I would, it would not be an issue.
Calling the little girl "our baby" is perfectly normal and in fact healthy to consider children part of the whole family, not just immediate, nuclear family.
Your DIL is a young mother, who is obviously is still finding her feet, ask her and consult her, show her that you are on her side and that you support her in her decisions, I am sure that situation will improve with time.

fryingpantoface · 29/05/2013 13:40

To start with, I love my MIL, she's wonderful. We did struggle when as was born because of mil and fil. I felt pushed out, which didn't help with the pnd.

Our first walk into town, ds was 5 days old, mil took the pushchair off me and walked ahead of us. I was very jumpy.

pil would argue about who's turn it was to hold ds. Not a playful argue, a full on argument every time. It was very stressful.

fil would insist ds needed winding when he didn't, but would wind him for 20 mins and go "I told you so" when he burped. It made me so mad. In the end dh had to say that anyone would burp after being winded for that long.

They would come in and take the baby off me also.

Although we're passed the stage now, it was really hurtful. Like they didn't think I could do it. It's shaped how my relationship is with FIL now. I find him over bearing a lot. Mil I still get on with well.

It could have really damaged my relationship with her though.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 13:42

I BF both mine and I could hardly bear anyone touching them when they were small. It was horrible and probably down to hormones but it was a physical reaction so strong it scared me in its intensity !
I wasnt being rude or mental or prickly - I had no control over it whatsoever .
Luckily mine liked feeding all the bloody time

pictish · 29/05/2013 13:43

And just to add...I personally think it's bad form to pick up someone else's baby to wind them without asking.
No one knows that wee baby better than her mother, and if the baby needed winded she would have done it. You don't get to decide what that baby needs and then wade in there to do it...it is not your place.

Grandparents (unless otherwise stated) are their for cuddles and love and spoiling...and for just enjoying the children. They are not there to decide what needs doing. It's frightfully undermining, albeit in a subtle way.

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 13:47

"There are some mean mamma's on here! I hope you remember this when you're someone's MIL in the future."

when us mean mammas are grandparents I recon we are more than likely going to be the kind of grandmammas who back off and give our children and their partners the space they need.

DiscoDonkey · 29/05/2013 13:49

If you want to help then ask her what she would find helpful. When I had an operation mil wanted to help by doing our dirty washing (I hate the thought of people going through my dirty clothes) what would have helped would have been to have sat with the dc's for a couple of hours so I could sleep, but she had her idea of what help I needed and that was all she was prepared to do.
True help is giving people what they need not what you want to give.

Sallystyle · 29/05/2013 13:51

With just these examples it is so very hard to get a clear picture.

Alone they don't sound like a big deal but if things have been bubbling away for ages it only takes a few tiny things to become a bigger issues.

She could also be a pain in the ass for no reason at all. No one here can say either way.

I have had huge mIL issues, now we only see her for 5 mins when she picks up the grandchildren. I suggest like others have said, sit them both down and talk openly. Apologise for any offence you may have accidentally caused and hash it out while really listening to what they are saying.

You have time to repair this before it is too late. You need to talk.

FasterStronger · 29/05/2013 13:52

Bwalker2012 I don't think you are doing anything wrong in itself - but you need to do what your son/DIL want, just to keep the peace & support them both.

your DIL sounds quite OTT to me....but it is in your family's interests (all of you), to just go along with it.

eccentrica · 29/05/2013 13:53

This thread is fantastic at articulating lots of stuff I've been through with my MIL over the past 2yrs +.

Why does she never try to help me by doing anything OTHER than taking my daughter away? Why did she think it was OK to leave me with a new flat full of debris from ILs and DP's takeaway when my baby was 3 days old, I couldn't eat any of it! Why does she still barge into the bedroom when we stay there without knocking at 7am and 'offer' to take my daughter?

Also, WTF is it with pushing the pram? When my ILs came to visit recently she actually had a go at us for not taking the pushchair out! This is because DD can walk and when she gets tired, DP is happy to carry her. MIL was pissed off because it meant she couldn't push the pushchair (DD is too heavy for her to carry). It's this pointless, possessive, petty act that really gets to me.

WeAreEternal · 29/05/2013 13:57

I know you feel like you just want to help, and that you want to do things for your granddaughter and be a part of it all, BUT your DIL doesn't need your help, she sounds quite capable of wiping her babies face and winding her, and although you feel as though you are helping by jumping in at the first opportunity your DIL sees this as you interfering and criticising.

If you want to help ASK. Tell your DIL that you just want to offer help and support, ask if she needs anything, ask if she minds if you help out OCCASIONALLY. Make it clear that you are not criticising her, trying to take over or belittle her but that you just want to help her.

We have no contact with my MIL for exactly this type of controlling behaviour, she was obsessed with DS when he was a newborn and constantly referred to him as "her little man" she tries to take over everything and constantly told me that I was doing things wrong, I grew to hate her because of it.
She has only seen DS 3 times since he was 6 months old because of the way she behaved. DS is now 6.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 13:57

I don't think you did anything wrong. But I'm not suprised at some of the answers on here
MIL are always in the wrong on MN

MrsLyman · 29/05/2013 14:00

when us mean mammas are grandparents I recon we are more than likely going to be the kind of grandmammas who back off and give our children and their partners the space they need.

Really, you're all just going to stop being such an overbearing presence in your children's lives that you're actually going to allow them to form relationships with other people. I'm genuinely shocked.

MrsLyman · 29/05/2013 14:00

WeAreEternal so you basically cut someone out of your son's live because they loved him. Nice!

pictish · 29/05/2013 14:02

Hey - I'm not a mil basher at all! In fact I get pissed off with all the how-dare-my-mil-take-an-interest-in-her-grandchild posts on here - they actually make me see red!!

BUT - this OP's own son has asked for space, and I think that needs to be respected.

The dil in this case sounds v prickly...but we all know fine that even if she IS bu, the OP will not win by battling against it.

It is better for the OP's own interests to play softly softly catchy monkey.

pictish · 29/05/2013 14:04

And yes weareeternal you sound incredibly harsh!

No contact since he was 6 months because your mil called him 'my little man'?

Omg.

MrsLyman · 29/05/2013 14:06

I'm seeing red at the moment Pictish in fact I'm finding this thread quite upsetting.

Not so much the OP and the DIL needing space, I do agree that the OP needs to back off for the moment and hopefully things will get back on track in time, but just the attitude in a lot of the responses that basically place no value on the relationship that children can have with a grandparent.

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 14:06

you're not reading it properly. Apart from teh 'little man' comment they also said "she tries to take over everything and constantly told me that I was doing things wrong"

Sallystyle · 29/05/2013 14:07

I am sure there is a lot more to the story than WeAreEternal has posted here.

Just a guess.

Jengnr · 29/05/2013 14:08

One of the things I could cheerfully leather my Mum for was a winding thing too - what is it with them? She asked me how hot his bottle needed to be so I said 'test it on your wrist but if need be he'll have it cold'

She looked at me like I'd beaten him up and said 'no wonder he's got wind' :) FFS.

I can see why people think the pram thing is an overreaction too because they think - you get to do it all the time but in reality EVERYONE wants to push the pram. DIL might get to do it in the day when she has to go out and about but if you go on a leisurely walk she might never get to do it and this time she just wanted to.

My MIL is great with boundaries and has a top relationship with the baby but I shouted at her once when he was 5?days old and we were trying (and failing) to get the carseat in and she was mithering trying to help but just got in the way. In my defence though my milk had come in and I'd banged one of my tits on the seat.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 14:11

MrsLyman
Its perfectly normal for a new mother to have overwhelming feelings of protectiveness/need to be with her baby. Its hormonal and there was not one thing I could have done to change the way I felt . I actually found it distressing and horrible ,it wasnt something I chose !

My DC have a great relationship with all GP

eccentrica · 29/05/2013 14:11

MrsLyman I totally value my daughter's relationship with all of her grandparents which is why I have gritted my teeth and continued going to visit my ILs/have them visit us multiple times per year, despite my MIL constantly taking my daughter off into a room on her own, shutting out us and the rest of the family, deliberately feeding my daughter sweets and chocolate behind my back at six months old, among many other things.

Woodenpeg · 29/05/2013 14:11

quite so MrsLyman, quite so.

WeAreEternal... speechless. Definitely more to the story, other wise that is so sad.

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