Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
suckmabigtoe · 30/05/2013 17:41

And nit very bright to use such a similar name as your original one when trying to pull off a reverse thread

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 17:44

Oh dear, OP(s), you've been well and truly rumbled!

Shitsinger · 30/05/2013 17:46

Unless the MIL is using her DIL MN account without her knowlege Shock

but she would need to know the passwored ...

ChunkyPickle · 30/05/2013 17:51

I know OP has good intentions, and I understand that as a first grandchild it's very important to her, but as the producer of the first grandchild myself I also completely understand the DIL's reactions.

My MIL is great, she tries to keep opinions to herself, but they do slip out, they have a separate nickname for DS (which irrationally gets my hackles up and I don't use).

Both DP and I were very possessive of our DS, and were lucky enough to live abroad so had him to ourselves for the first 8 months. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with having our second baby and having to share him - I suspect lots of hiding in the bedroom and gritting my teeth telling myself that it doesn't matter.

To all those saying that it's all about the mother - I'm was possessive, but I could grit my teeth and let other people do things. DP, not so much - he refused to hand DS over, I've seen him grab him back when someone did something he didn't like, and past the first couple of weeks he always wanted to be the one with DS in the carrier if we were out together. Dad's are just as in love with their new babies as mums!

ChunkyPickle · 30/05/2013 17:51

I'm mortified. Dads not Dad's

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 17:54

OP please come back and explain yourself!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 30/05/2013 18:56

Mmm, all very intriguing!

Ginderella · 30/05/2013 19:18

I have read different versions of this thread before. There was one about an unreasonable Dil not letting her 6 week old EBF baby stay at a party with the GM.

WeAreSix · 30/05/2013 20:05

I think I'm being a bit dim here... Would someone tell me what's going on with namechanging, why this thread is intriguing etc? Pretty please?!

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 20:16

Wearesix

The OP has two different versions of her name. BWalker2012 and BWalker12. The first name is new. The second name is not new and that name has posted about having a baby in Feb.

Both of these similarly named posters have turned up on this thread, speaking as the MIL.

WeAreSix · 30/05/2013 20:31

Oh I see..... Thank you Goodbye

MunchMunch · 30/05/2013 20:40

YANBU

I agree with CloudsandTrees and HollyBerryBush (haven't read the full thread so can't say I agree with everything)

Also calling dgd "my" I honestly can't see what there is to get dils knickers in a knot.

Poor mils all over the world, can't do right for doing wrong sometimes! I'm dreading becoming a mil.

ilovecolinfirth · 30/05/2013 20:51

When my son was born I found my mil incredibly intense and difficult to cope with. My mum gave me the best words of wisdom and explained to me that as much as my husband and I were learning how to be parents, herself and my dad and also my inlaws were learning how to be grandparents.

It's a really exciting time for everyone when a new baby arrives, but make sure that the role that you play as a grandparent is different to how you would be a parent. You don't need to wind your grandchild, your DIL can do it. When she feels confident in her own role, she might ask you to be more involved. For now, enjoy the cuddles you get and be sure to ask DIL how she would like your help.

X

TaniaJ123 · 12/07/2023 06:17

Hi, as I recently new grandmother I feel the same, my son and dil had a baby at 19, they part lived here and over her mothers before the baby was born, once the baby boy was born they went to her mothers and 4 weeks on they haven’t stayed over here, I have seen the baby 3 times, the first time was when he was 4 days old and was a 20 minute visit, the second time was a bit longer maybe 2 hour visit, and the third time was yesterday, she don’t like me holding my grandson yet as they live with her mother they let her take over at home, she says comments like “ my mother dressed him and don’t know why he has blue socks on “ or “ yes he loves the pram , my mother always takes him out for a walk in in “ bare in mind we contributed towards the pram and have never seen it not even a pic of it, they won’t even let me feel him a bottle or change his nappy but they say they her mother takes over with night feeds and helps them early mornings, she even have baby say for them to go out on they’re own to give them a break, I feel totally left out and it’s not much I can say, I feel like they don’t want my help and just have to not be involved and left out, he is my only son and it’s always been just me and him growing up, I have a partner who I have been with for 6 years and my son and him do get on, it’s really hard as I can’t visit where they are a they live in a flat and she has a brother and a sister who live there too and a dog who apparently don’t like strangers, so I have to sit here and just wait, if I message them for instance saying anything, she won’t reply for hours or even days after sometimes, it’s hard being a grandmother because it is out baby also no matter what anyone says it’s not just her baby, my son is a dad and I am his mother so it’s only natural to feel upset when being pushed away, I have cried so many nights over this, I think it’s selfish how some dil can do this to their partners mothers and think they have the right to keep the baby all to them self’s or they’re family, as my family don’t get a look in, I feel like I have no hope in them every trusting me and my relationship with my son have been distant for weeks and I have got to the point I give up and will just get on with my own life and they know where I am if they need me, still hurts inside tho.

CrocodileOenophile · 12/07/2023 06:31

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:59

Thanks for all your comments.

I just want more time with my grand daughter. I suppose I should back off a bit. She is our first grand daughter and I'm desperate to spend more time with her.

I appreciate your comments.

It's your first gc b ut also their first child. It's a very special time. You already had your child, how were things when oyu had kids- did your MIL did to you what you are doing to your DiL?

You seem to be focused a lot on what YOU want, but it's not about you anymore this time round and you need to accept that. Forget coffee and cakesand chatting things out, back off and be normal and accept that this is their moment to enjoy the child and you need to take part on your DiL's and DS's terms.

CrocodileOenophile · 12/07/2023 06:35

@TaniaJ123 The wrong things is that... it is HER not yours. It will never be your baby.
Some DILsare awfl,some MiLs are awful, only getting your part of the story we dont know what your relationship is like from your DiLs point of view. It seems you are super focused on your son, and have a very close relationship with him because it was just the two of you for years and struggle with the fact he has 'moved on' and is no longer a baby himself.
Maybe you were a bit too much when you lived together, maybe you were isolating her, maybe you were ovebearing when he started a relationshin and your DiL is not comfortable with you and this is the result?

TaniaJ123 · 12/07/2023 06:46

She is very shy so I would try to speak to her and she won’t answer, it got to the point they would come in the house and just run upstairs in his bedroom and not even speak to me, he would come down and make them food and say she is just shy, which I understood as its only normal to be, but I always try to make an effort, until your in the same situation it’s hard to imagine how one feels, I would never have in a million years not allowed my sons family to not have a relationship with him when he was first born as even though he is my son he still has a dad and his family too, I bought her the same as I would have my son for xmas, it’s got to the point where I know they don’t want me involved so just say nothing and let them carry on with her family.

Bonjovispjs · 12/07/2023 07:12

Zombie!!! This thread is 10 years old.

Tiger889 · 12/07/2023 07:24

Wonder how they get on now after 10 years on lol

Sceptre86 · 12/07/2023 07:55

I think a lot of parents are overprotective with their first and it's understandable but some go too far and end up alienating those that love their kids the most.

I'd have no issues with any of the things you have done. They do though and that is important, respect their boundaries even if you disagree.

My mil would never overstep the mark or interfere in my parenting but she would give me suggestions. I'd smile politely and thank her as I knew it came from a good place on her part, sometimes I would try her suggestions other times I wouldn't. My mum had more of an I know better type attitude when I had my first (mum has 4 kids). She couldn't fathom that dd1 would settle better for me than her and I would reiterate that she knew who her mum was. She quickly apologised and backed off. I didn't hold a grudge as again I knew she was besotted with her as she was her first grandchild. She was just a little overexcited, not intending to be disrespectful.

My mum still asks how her babies are and I always jokingly say, 'I'm fine thanks if you're asking about mine then they are all good too'. She loves them and in a way they are hers. I'm confident in my role as their mum so I really don't see an issue. Your dil does though, she's told you she doesn't like it so for the sake of your relationship don't do it.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 12/07/2023 08:01

She's being precious in my opinion. I wouldn't bat an eyelid over any of the things you mentioned. My mum always refers to my DD as her little girl and it doesn't bother me in the slightest, in fact I think it's lovely. I wonder if she's the same with her own mum? That said, ultimately its her decision to behave like this with her baby so just ask her first. I bet she'll change her tune when she wants free babysitting.

TaniaJ123 · 12/07/2023 13:15

Yes I get that and can understand some ways how she feels, although I am just more upset the fact that her mother gets to be there 24/7 and she or my son will let her take over, take the baby for a walk in the pram, dress him, feed and change him and I do t get much look in, I only have 1 child so maybe that’s the issue for
me, I wish I could have more involvement but hopefully in time they will let me

TaniaJ123 · 12/07/2023 13:20

I know her mother does a lot for the baby as is dress him, feed and change him, take him out in the pram to give them a break, helps with some night feeds, so don’t seem like she has an issue with her mother stepping in, I think it’s as my only son and I was so excited for my first grandchild, even if I had 1 day a week where I could give him a bottle, change him and have more than a hour with him watching them so everything, it is lush to see how good they are with him and I’m proud they are good parents, just didn’t expect to feel this left out when the baby was born, all I can do is let them be and be here if they need anything, I just worry they never will and I won’t be much a part of they’re life

TaniaJ123 · 12/07/2023 13:35

Also I suppose it’s a learning curve for is all, I’m learning how to be a grandparent the same as they are learning to be parents, this post have helped me a lot as in its normal for me to feel like this and hopefully soon they will allow me to spend more time with them, thanks for all your comments

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/07/2023 15:19

It does feel like we need the other side to the story as this seems over-reactions on DIL side if your relationship was perfect first. My MIL used to come in pick baby up tell me to have a lie down and rest and she will bring a brew and some toast in and then asked what tidying I was comfortable with her doing. We had a great relationship in the beginning and was/is a godsend. Do you have form for advising how/when everything needs doing?