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AIBU?

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

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TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 30/05/2013 19:46

Do you think the woman knows that he's gone all 16 yr old on her?

This is getting more and more bizarre by the post tbh. At what point was he going to tell you about the bike stuff do you think?

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fizzzness · 30/05/2013 20:02

Sounds like he's got a crush.

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lborolass · 30/05/2013 20:06

I agree with fizzznss, it does sound like he's got a very inappropriate crush on her. Time for you to discuss it with him now I'd say, the going to the bike shop is too far for a simple friendship.

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ClartyCarol · 30/05/2013 20:14

Thoughts?Dear me. OP, I know you say you're laid back but I think you're being taken for a mug. Your H is brewing an affair up in plain sight and you haven't pulled him up on any of it? Surely you can see now this is out of order. The bike ride was planned with X and you're effectively gatecrashing.

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MrsPennyapple · 30/05/2013 20:19

Am I understanding this right, he planned a bike ride with her without telling you? That would worry me. He's arranging to meet her outside of the music lesson. Okay so DCs will be there but that's a ready made defense right there. "Of course nothing is going on, we wouldn't take kids along if we were planning on getting up to anything, would we?"

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Primadonnagirl · 30/05/2013 20:20

I don't think you are being as laid back as this seems..I think you want to give him the benefit of the doubt cos you understandably don't want your worst fears confirmed..however you ARE worried otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it.

So don't wait till it comes up, don't be jokey..just be calm and matter of fact "DP I have noticed some odd behaviour lately(examples)..even Dd has commented. I would like you to explain, stop it and if you won't I want you to stop tutoring her child. You are embarrassing yourself and upsetting your family."

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coppertop · 30/05/2013 20:22

It sounds to me as though he's enjoying playing the knight in shining armour, but at everyone else's expense.

His behaviour is making your dd feel uncomfortable enough to comment on it. He's using your own ds as an excuse to see more of her. He's using family money to buy gifts for her ds.

He'll probably be trying to convince himself (and you) that his behaviour is okay because there is always a child around to act as a chaperone. What he doesn't seem to understand is that using the children like this actually makes it worse.

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faulkernegger · 30/05/2013 20:22

Too bloody right I'm gatecrashing. It's tricky to pull him up on it until we are alone (pas devant les enfants and the lodger), but I shall speak to him this evening. fizz and ib - yes I think he has a crush, don't know how much she has responded.

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faulkernegger · 30/05/2013 20:24

Sorry x-posted. You are all correct. Wish me luck.

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Loulybelle · 30/05/2013 20:25

Good luck, and dont let the twat make you think its in your head, even your DD has noticed...

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ClartyCarol · 30/05/2013 20:29

I think she is definitely responding isn't she, though like you say you can't be sure to what extent. It seems to me they are having a jolly old time flirting and building something up while you're conveniently shoved in the background.

You know you need to make time, shove the kids and lodger out, up to bed, whatever, and get this out in the open. Good luck.

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ClartyCarol · 30/05/2013 20:30

Got carried away with the shoving there!

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myroomisatip · 30/05/2013 20:45

Wow I am soooooo on your behalf.

Sorry but if this was me I would be checking his phone, phone bill, bank statements etc. I cannot envisage him accepting that his behaviour has been inappropriate and coming clean and confessing exactly how far this has gone.

She must also be very well aware of his attention and, frankly, enjoying every minute of it.

I would be livid and I am amazed at your self control. I think I would have a bag packed for him and he would be out that door so fast his feet would not touch the ground.

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takeaway2 · 30/05/2013 20:46

Good luck. Don't let him fob you off. It is not normal to spend 1.5 hours more at a students house when he's not being paid, to do something that's not even remotely related to music. It's not like he's helping them with an upcoming music test, or prepping for a concert, or whatever. It's not about the fact that he's not getting paid. It's the 'help with mobile', 'moving furniture' etcetc and well if his dd has noticed it then really his cover's blown!!

My concern is that he'll say that 'she's a friend of the family so of course I should help her'...

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StuntGirl · 30/05/2013 20:49

Oh dear OP. He's acting like quite the fool isn't he? Even if nothing is going on he must see how innappropriate his behaviour is? I would definitely be bringing this up with him, and mentioning how his own children have also noticed.

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SugarPasteGreyhound · 30/05/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 30/05/2013 20:55

I would snoop before bringing it up - if there is anything and he realises you suspect then any snooping chance will be gone. I know it's not the done thing but you have enough to suspect on imo.

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maddening · 30/05/2013 20:58

ps put it exactly as primadonna has - v well phrased

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SauceForTheGander · 30/05/2013 21:03

Good luck. Think you've already gone for chat but don't minimise it. Don't be teasing either, be straight up that this behaviour is both obvious and insulting.

Try not to bring your DD into it of you can. I always knew my dad was up to something and my DM would use my observations and comments like a witness statement for the defence and it made my relationship with both of them very messed up. I lost total respect for their marriage.

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HoneyStepMummy · 30/05/2013 21:42

OP you said this woman has a husband? Unless he's very sick or elderly or away for work etc there's no reason for your husband to help her with something. Especially not for 1 1/5 hours!
If my husband or I befriend someone of the opposite sex due to something we have in common we get together with the other person and their spouse and hang out as two couples. Neither of us would be OK with the type of behaviour your husband is displaying.
Neither you- or this woman's husband- she be OK at all about this planned bike ride. Let's say you hated bike riding but your husband loved it and told you " Z was saying how much she and her son love bike riding but her husband hates it. Me and DS are kind of in the same boat, so I was thinking about suggesting riding with them since the kids are such good mates. Would you be OK with that?" Instead your husband told you after basically being found out. Nice.
I'm not saying LTB, and I really do hope this is a silly crush. Good luck

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AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 21:45

this isn't going to end well

not least because OP is doing a bloody brilliant job of an ostrich looking desperately for the sand

mostly though because this bloke is being an absolute cliche of massive cock proportions

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:50

Yes, he is, AF. I read the OP and the subsequent posts through a filter of unconcern as nothing seemed hidden and it all seemed above board but actually, it's not. The DCs are being used as 'cover' and, if the boot was on the other foot, I'm sure OP's husband wouldn't like it.

I don't know about the neighbour-lady but I'm convinced that women know when a man fancies them and she should do nothing whatsoever to encourage it. In fact, if it were me, I'd be making a point of distancing myself from OP's family, except for the strict tuturing of my child. I'd probably be re-thinking that too as I'd feel uncomfortable. Neighbour-lady does seem to be enjoying it, she can't be oblivious.

I also would have popped the cheque through the door, no need to intrude on family time... nevermind attending a bike ride.

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myroomisatip · 30/05/2013 21:51

I so wish I could learn to not mince my words like AF :)

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AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 21:52

this an affair being played out in plain sight

designed to put OP off the scent because it's all so visible isn't it ?

in fact, this is the Jimmy Savile of affairs

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AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 21:52

this is

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