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to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 27/05/2013 23:29

Nope.Listen to your gut,he's enjoying her attention for sure by the sound of it.

It's probably still at the flattery/flirty stage....but would he honestly spend an extra 2 hours with the parent of any other pupil?

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:33

Hilda no, he probably wouldn't. I say probably, because he does like to help people. She invited my ds to go to the cinema with them tomorrow and my dp said "Oh I'll go with you if you're feeling shy". Hmm. What to do ......

OP posts:
Samnella · 27/05/2013 23:33


Bug him?

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:34

DS decided not to go.

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HildaOgden · 27/05/2013 23:37

Tell him his 12 year old daughter thinks that he is obsessed with this woman,and that he needs to reassure her he is not going to do anything that will destroy his family,cost him a divorce,and take him away from his kids.

That might wake him up a bit.

squoosh · 27/05/2013 23:38

I would definitely nip it in the bud.

pumpkinsweetie · 27/05/2013 23:40

Yanbu, what reasons does give for 30 mins stretching to 2hrs? For i cant see of any reasons as to why other than infatuation or something more sinister. The fact your 12yo has pointed this out would have bells ringing in my head!

musicposy · 27/05/2013 23:44

Is there a reason he visits them rather than vice versa? Could he change this?
It sounds dodgy to me, sorry. I'm a music teacher and however much I enjoy it or get on with parents -and some I do get on well with - at the end of the day it's to earn money. I might chat for 5 or 10 mins if I have the time, but for a half hour lesson to take 2 hours? It's unprofessional too, if you're being paid to teach music that's what you do, not help with some other random thing.
Put your foot down over this now before it escalates.

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:48

pumpkin reasons - he was helping her do some research about buying a mobile phone for her dd, they just 'got talking' and she'd made tea and cake, he was playing badminton with her dc's, he was having a look at her husband's car problems, he was helping move some chairs from the church hall ( she had a concert in her house - at which I also performed), he was playing her the recording he'd made of said concert, yadda yadda ....

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musicposy · 27/05/2013 23:54

No, this isn't right.It was only the concert thing that sounded a possibility, but you should have been forewarned. I have never once in 20 years of teaching helped anyone research a mobile phone or played badminton with the DCs. I teach music. I know a lot of music teachers and this all sounds very unprofessional and something isn't ringing true.

BOF · 27/05/2013 23:56

Sounds dodgy to me.

faulkernegger · 28/05/2013 00:00

Thanks all, am about to sign off for the evening. I believe he is actually doing all these things, but am suspicious of his motives! I may say something soon, when I've worked out what to say - watch this space!

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Loulybelle · 28/05/2013 00:02

If your 12 yr old has picked up on it, then something is definately amiss.

TidyDancer · 28/05/2013 00:04

I'm the staunchest defender of male/female friendships being totally normal and innocent, but this sounds questionable even to me.

I think your DD's reaction and assessment alone is enough to say something serious to your DH. This doesn't sound right.

Tenacity · 28/05/2013 00:04

It sounds like your DP is behaving in an unprofessional manner. Friendship with a client is dodgy territory at the best of time. There are some professional boundaries being crossed here.
He is also opening himself to allegations, and is jeopardising your relationship.
You need to lay your concerns on the line, and mean everything you say to him. I agree; listen to your gut feeling.

pumpkinsweetie · 28/05/2013 00:06

I would put a complete stop to it and expect him home in a normal time frame. If you really believed he was completely innocent you wouldn't be on here. I'm not saying he is a cheat but he could be gearing up to it with the amount of extra time he is spending with her.

Tenacity · 28/05/2013 00:07

Is he getting paid for the music lessons?

musicposy · 28/05/2013 00:09

I don't doubt he's doing what he says he is - but what's not really right is that he's doing those things in that situation. It's not a friendship situation. If he wants to make a friend of her, then you as acouple should be friends with them as a couple, as a completely separate issue to the lessons. Tagging this stuff onto the lessons is dodgy in its motivation.
I have a couple of friends who come for lessons or send their DCs, but I keep the lessons businesslike and separate from the friendship. This is the way to go if he claims she is a friend.
Keep us posted!

emstats · 28/05/2013 00:19

What Hilda said

CookieLady · 28/05/2013 00:29

Loulybelle is spot on.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 28/05/2013 06:36

Tell him you and his own child has noticed how obsessed he's become with this woman and that the lessons and additional 'help' must stop. I suspect however that he won't do as you ask.

If he says no you have a dilemma on your hands, what will you do?

raisah · 28/05/2013 06:54

Next time drop in half way through the lesson with the reason you were passing by, wanted a catch up, heard she made great cake etc. Go and mark your territory as it where & see how she/they react. He would only pursue her if she gave him reason to think it would be worth his while. You need to nip it in the bud now & try to arrange the lesson for when her husband is in. If he works long hours she may feel neglected hence going after your husband.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 28/05/2013 07:04

Yes, sounds dodgy to me as well, and like Tidy I am v roll-eyed when normal female-male friendships get frowned upon.

Tell him his child has noticed he's making himself look like an arse, and perhaps the mother's husband wouldn't be too happy about him hanging around helping the little woman move her chairs.....

OctopusPete8 · 28/05/2013 07:37

Yea I think this sounds a bit suspect to me, although nothing may have actually happened.

are you going to say something?

ENormaSnob · 28/05/2013 08:05

Well dodgy

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