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AIBU?

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:

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takeaway2 · 31/05/2013 09:55

Hi OP hope you are ok? Are you on the bike ride???

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BoraBora · 31/05/2013 10:04

If you haven't snooped yet you're w better woman than me.

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HairyGrotter · 31/05/2013 10:08

I'm often in awe of some people's ability to remain calm in certain situations, cause if I were you, OP, I'd be all over this situation like flies on shit.

Communicate, let him know his behaviour is vile, and degrading, and utterly embarrassing. Don't sit back, stand up and be heard! It's a marriage, a marriage he seems to have no respect for! I'd be livid

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BeQuicksieorBeDead · 31/05/2013 10:16

AF speaks the truth. He thinks he will get away with this because it could almost be a normal situation. Except he feels guilty so he can't be totally up front about it.

How did they arrange this bike ride? Are they texting each other?

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MissStrawberry · 31/05/2013 10:23

I feel for the OP but I also feel she has got the message now and I think if she does decide to do nothing she might feel she can't come back for the worry of being ridiculed.

Good luck OP. I hope everything works out for you and your children, even if without your husband.

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YoniMitchell · 31/05/2013 10:32

Hi OP, I too think this sounds dodge and you need to have it out with your DP, in whatever way you feel most comfortable. However you do this though, he needs to understand how you're feeling and how it's down to his pathetic behaviour.

Good luck with it, be strong.

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Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 31/05/2013 10:36

Sorry OP but everything you've said would set alarm bells ringing for me too Has he been more possessive/secretive with his phone?

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Wowserz129 · 31/05/2013 10:56

Major major alarm bells

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DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 31/05/2013 11:41

'... and by the way Z and her two ds might come along'...

'By the way'.

Oh, and by the way, people who say 'by the way' in this context most definitely do not mean 'by the way'.

This is not something which just accidentally happened, and may or may not pan out. This is something which was planned to the nth degree.

You don't even need to listen to your gut. He is telling you what's going on.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/05/2013 11:57

I hope you have spoken to him by now. He is making a fool of himself but also of you and your marriage.

I would be asking him when he planned to take you and the children on a bike ride or is it only a treat for other women and their children.

Best of luck

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Inertia · 31/05/2013 12:02

I think DonDraper is right, he is making this crystal clear.

Don't know whether this has developed into a full blown affair yet, but if not it 's straying dangerously close. He's deliberately doing family activities with this woman that he should be doing with you and your family - this is a betrayal in itself, especially as he is lying by omission already, as a previous poster has pointed out.

I think you need to be crystal clear about what you want to happen next, and lay it on the line. For me , the boundary would have been crossed and I would insist on no contact , with them also finding a new piano teacher.

It's probably worth pointing out how mortified your DD is , to see whether it shames him into behaving like a husband and father.

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pinkdelight · 31/05/2013 12:13

I don't think you should be worrying so much about bringing it up with him. You're married, why can't you just ask him - and not be fobbed off or made to feel by him? Your kids have even raised it with you. It's him who's being unreasonable, not you. Don't start to criticise yourself over any aspect of this. YANBU so don't even begin to think you are.

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diddl · 31/05/2013 12:14

Playing happy families with another woman & her kid(s).

Fuck me-that would hurt!

So he was taking your son, OP & not planning on asking you?

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DuchessFanny · 31/05/2013 12:42

Hope you're ok OP .. I'm furious on your behalf, I wouldn't be at all happy with your DP or his crush - she's surely enjoying/encouraging this ?!
I can think of no good reason I'd go off for a jolly bike ride in the sun with my sons guitar teacher, he's a lovely bloke and we get on well, but there are boundaries to the friendship !

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digerd · 31/05/2013 13:38

As there was no reaction from the woman, either she is a brilliant actress, or she really feels nothing for him and she is just using him .

Mystified why a grown man would sit on the floor when she visited. I assume she was sitting on a chair or sofa and their eyes were not level with eachother. And if she looked at him, she had to look downwards at him. And he had to look up?
Very odd.

The bike thing is

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LadyHarrietdeSpook · 31/05/2013 13:58

Bike ride is a MASSIVE red flag. Sorry for stating the obvious. The purchase for the puncture. etc. I wish I could give him a slap for you.

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Val007 · 31/05/2013 14:17

this. must. end.

NOW!!!

The jokey approach will only show him you are a joke.

My personal stern approach would be to ask he cut off all contact with that woman and her family ASAP. No negotiations, no discussions, no excuses, no fucking jokes.

You think it's funny now? Then wait a few more weeks/months and see how you will be coming here crying that you're husband cheated/left.

Maybe you never heard this saying, but something to think about: 'The cats don't lick the milk which is covered'. So... cover your milk and don't let that slimy bitch of a cat lick it! ASAP!

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2013 14:23

Val007, you're REALLY out of order. The neighbour-lady has done nothing. OP hasn't mentioned her behaviour at any point in her posts whilst mentioning her husband's behaviour constantly.

Where do you get off calling another woman a 'bitch'? It's completely unwarranted unless you know something that the rest of us don't and it's not supportive in any way, just makes you look a bit pathetic, actually suggesting that OP needs to protect her husband from this woman.

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Val007 · 31/05/2013 14:46

Nope, it takes two to tango, never forget this!

Many women on this thread said they would never even dream of interacting to such degree with their child's music teacher. But she does. I don't flirt with anyone's husband. FFS, I don't flirt, fullstop, as I am married. Do you? She invited him for cake - he cannot invite himself, can he? So... bitch. And yes, OP needs to protect her husband. From himself. Ok?

What's the point of letting the affair proceed and end with divorce, when it can easily be solved now with some ground rules. No brainer, is it?

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bettycocker · 31/05/2013 14:48

The neighbour lady kind of has done something. I don't think my DP would be very happy if I was getting another man to do jobs for me, come on bike rides and generally letting him fill the role of a partner for me.

It sounds like an emotional affair to me. In which case, the man and woman are both at fault.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2013 14:53

Do you have choice names for the husband also then? No, first words out of your mouth are to refer to a 'bitch'. Nothing to say in your second post either. You can denigrate women all you like, it won't stop your husband from running off if he has such little respect for you/your marriage.

I'd forgotten that cake is the universal language of flirting. Must have been a particularly saucy bit of Victoria Sponge...

For the record - OP needs to protect HERSELF from her husband's idiotic and self-serving simpering. No brainer indeed. Calling women names makes you sound like a desperate thug.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2013 14:57

bettycrocker... I can imagine that there's been flirting from both sides. We don't really know because OP hasn't mentioned the neighbour lady much so anything else is just conjecture.

To me, the husband sounds so silly and attention-seeking that he could possibly be butting in to do things for this woman. I don't know anymore than anybody else, obviously, but she may be wondering how it's got from pleasantries to this?

If I were her, I'd be telling him to find another teacher and making it quite clear that we are NOT friends but neighbours and that I'm not interested in anything other than tutoring for my child.

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Val007 · 31/05/2013 14:59

Well, the husband is clear (as mud) - he is a bastard. Is this helpful to the OP? We all know this already. And... relax, I don't feel like fighting a bunch of feminists off my back on this thread. My advice sounds the way it does, because it aims at solving the marriage before it is too late. I do not advise leave the bastard. Not at this stage.

So, will not be justifying my opinion to some petty nitpicking. Don't you have anything else to do today?

And yes, I will repeat it again - the woman responding to the husban's flirting is a bitch. Cake, bike rides, other inappropriate interaction - you name it.

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Loulybelle · 31/05/2013 14:59

Lady might not be so innocent, she might be enjoying the attention, but the husband is married to the OP, he should be faithful to her, so right now, hes alot worse, with him trying to play families, and hanging around like a bad smell, offering him cake might have just been a nice gesture,.

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Val007 · 31/05/2013 15:03

But you are not her! Instead, she asking him for help with phone (fucking 1.5 hrs), giving him cake, joining him on bike rides and even visiting him at home to mark her new territory. Pathetic bitch!

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