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AIBU?

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

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Optimist1 · 28/05/2013 08:05

A slightly different viewpoint - to me it sounds as though she may be doing all the running ("Have a cup of tea and some lovely cake", "Could you just give me a hand with these chairs?" etc) and your DS, being a nice, helpful chap is lapping it up. Something needs to be said, but be careful you don't end up as the nasty, un-helpful, suspicious one. Good luck!

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LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 28/05/2013 08:55

The book 'NOT Just Friends' by Shirley Glass would be useful for both of you. YADNBU and you need to make this clear to him. The book will help as it will let him see how easy it is to end up in an affair without setting out to do that - it'll show him the mechanism for it.

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LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 28/05/2013 08:59

Sorry - what I mean is that his situation can easily lead to an affair by small steps and bad choices. The book will show how this happens and if he recognises some of it, there is a possibility that he will put a stop to it.

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MulberryJane · 28/05/2013 10:00

Hmm, very passive-aggressive behaviour on her part, or manipulative behaviour at the very least - Optimist is right, this woman is doing the running. Now, who knows how your DH is actually viewing this situation but I think it needs to stop now. She's depending on your DH when it's completely inappropriate and that could be making him feel a sense of responsibility towards her. What on earth is this woman's husband thinking? It could start to look like your DH is sniffing round his wife :/. You need to speak to him before it gets out of hand.

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EllenJanesthickerknickers · 28/05/2013 10:18

This sounds like the start of an emotional affair, which often leads to more. I'd be concerned.

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zipzap · 28/05/2013 10:43

Could you book him in to do something shortly after the lesson finishes so that he can stay for 5-10 mins but then needs to go. Another lesson, go somewhere with you or dd, help ds with homework, anything.

But then there will be a reason for him to say 'right got to go' - at the moment she knows that he doesn't have anywhere to be after the lesson so it might just be that she's lonely if her dh works long hours and she sees it as a good excuse to have the male companionship that's missing from her life, whether or not she's got any plans beyond that.

And if your husband is nice then it might be really difficult for him to extricate himself without feeling rude.

Whereas if you give him a reason to be out of there then it becomes a lot easier to break the habit of him staying there for a long time after the lesson.

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AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 10:48

If I had to micro manage my husband's time to that degree in order to give him the excuse to get away from another woman, I would consider my marriage over

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faulkernegger · 28/05/2013 10:51

That's a good idea zipzap. All above comments duly noted. I don't think anything is 'going on' (yet) but I am heeding the warning signs. (just remembered another one - she gave warning she was coming to our house to drop off a cheque she forgot to give him, and I've never seen him so frantic, rushing around tidying up! - not THAT much to do, I might add!)

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CelticPixie · 28/05/2013 12:53

The fact that your DD has commented on it would ring serious alarm bells with me.

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YouStayClassySanDiego · 28/05/2013 12:57

faulkernegger you sound very laid back about this. .

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BabylonReturns · 28/05/2013 12:57

He got frantic because she was bringing over a cheque?? Sorry but there are big warning flags going up for me here :(

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Coconutty · 28/05/2013 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 28/05/2013 13:15

This has been on my mind all morning
I think you are sailing into disaster here.
You will get very good advice if you post on the Relationships board but I'm thinking this is already on the slide towards an affair - emotional/physical or both.

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Alisvolatpropiis · 28/05/2013 14:32

I would be more than a bit concerned to be honest. The fact that your daughter has noticed is not a good sign. They might not be having an affair but they're not just friends and I would put money on one or both of them having considered making a move.

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Erimentha · 28/05/2013 15:15

It doesn't sound good to me. Its possible that nothing has happened yet, but from what you have described regardless of who is doing the running he does seem to be enjoying the attention. If you 12 year old has noticed then something needs to change.

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Fairenuff · 28/05/2013 15:48

Has he changed in his behaviour towards you at all? Does he keep his phone on him all the time, that sort of thing.

I would say something like, you are spending more time with this woman than I am comfortable with and I'd like you to stop seeing her. Then see what his reaction is. That will tell you a lot I'm sure.

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digerd · 28/05/2013 16:54

When she comes round to deliver the cheque you can see their interaction. Body language, look in the eyes, demeanour etc. Has DH tidied himself up too?

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coppertop · 28/05/2013 17:05

He's acting like a teenage boy with a crush.

He's not only jeopardising his relationship with his wife and children, but also putting his professional reputation at risk. Who is going to want music lessons from someone who is known to hang around the house afterwards and invite themselves out on trips to the cinema with the parents?

And he's spending up to 2 hours there but didn't have chance to get the cheque?

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/05/2013 17:13

Yes, I think he needs to know how you and your DD are viewing this situaation, and back off from her.

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MadamFolly · 28/05/2013 18:20

He fancies her and it needs to be stopped.

He needs to stop tutoring her child.

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Cosydressinggown · 28/05/2013 20:54

Massive red flags. Doesn't sound like anything is going on, but he clearly has a crush, and it could easily slip into something else, as he is effectively acting on his crush by spending time with her, rushing round to tidy up etc.

If it were my hubby I'd say flat out, 'I think you have a crush on XYZ' and see what his face looks like in that moment.

I'd also repeat to him what your DD said and ask him to please not hang around, come straight home etc as you do NOT want him giving your DD the impression he's interested in another woman, for the sake of her own future relationship health.

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LaGuardia · 28/05/2013 21:20

Leave the bastard.

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MissStrawberry · 28/05/2013 21:25

What is your dd doing while he is slobbering over this woman?

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DontmindifIdo · 28/05/2013 21:31

I was going to say it sounds like a crush too - I think the idea of saying that DD has commented she thinks he's obsessed with this woman is good.

I think it might be worth pointing it out that it looks bad to other people even if he's not having an affair now might shock him a little. I'd also think the idea of things that he has to rush home for is good. stop him hanging around.

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RatRatRat · 28/05/2013 21:33

I would tell him what your daughter said and kind of tease him about it. Let him know you've got his number but whatever you do, don't behave as though you are threatened by her. Act as though the thought of him being attracted to her is laughable.

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