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AIBU?

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

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AgentZigzag · 09/06/2013 15:31

I've been following your thread Faulk and just wanted to say good luck and I hope you're right.

Be kind to yourself eh?

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Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard · 09/06/2013 18:05

Oh honey, no no NO. This is not ok. Having a secret second e-mail address that he's using to talk to her is not ok. Talking to her via e-mail at all is not really ok either when he sees her weekly. Why on earth are you ok with this?

Him saying he knows where his home and family are may be him saying that he knows the boundaries, but I feel very sad for you that you are content with that - he's basically saying he's tempted but won't do anything. So you're allowing him to carry on a secretive emotional affair/intense friendship with another woman so long as he doesn't actually act on what he wants to do with another woman?

Believe me, he'll already have thought about having sex with her.

Why has he never told you why he kept secrets from you about her? Why have you never forced an answer to that all-important question?!

By the way, the suddenly being more attentive thing is totally classic and stomach churning.

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BrokenBanana · 09/06/2013 18:54

Can we leave faulk alone now and let this thread die? It looks as if she's said all she has to say on the matter, she knows her DP best and if she chooses to believe there's nothing dodgy going on then we should respect that.

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ProphetOfDoom · 09/06/2013 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzzness · 09/06/2013 21:50

crikey. your husband locks his phone, has a secret email address to converse with another woman who your daughter has noticed he's obsessed with and who he has been meeting secretly. and you think he needs privacy . crikey

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MeNeedShoes · 09/06/2013 22:14

Good luck OP hope it is all innocent.

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MyPreciousRing · 12/06/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeybeeridiculous · 14/06/2013 22:36

Good Luck OP, i hope your right in what you think but a seperate account??? mmm, i know how you feel, at the mo im doing the same as you, watching and waiting, its so tiresome xx

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cosydressinggown · 14/07/2013 23:25

Good luck OP, just caught up on your latest update.

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Blueandwhitelover · 15/07/2013 07:43

What update??

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FridaKarlov · 15/07/2013 11:17

I know this is an old thread but reading it gave me the shivers because I've been in the OP's partner's position, and behaved in pretty much exactly the same way he did- I was suddenly glued to my phone, was infatuated with the other man, made excuses to talk to him, became secretive, and had the weird urge for my partner to meet him (which he did). My OH knew something was going on and found it very hurtful that I was continuing the relationship with this man under the pretence that it was a normal friendship (I've got lots of male friends and this has previously never been an issue).

The emotional affair spiralled out of control into a full blown physical one and my poor partner ended up catching us in the act. Him catching us was the worst moment of my life, easily. But it forced me to see what I was doing to him, what it was I was ruining and how much I lived him. I am amazed my partner forgave me and am eternally grateful that he did. We eventually married and have a baby together.

I think about what I did nearly every day even though it happened many years ago, and am still deeply ashamed of myself. However I am thankful for the lessons I learned from that awful time and can now hopefully recognise the warning signs in myself if I ever end up in a similar situation.

Hope you are all right, op, and that he changes his ways.

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faulkernegger · 15/07/2013 13:39

For anyone who is not following my parallel thread in 'relationships' - I managed to get into DP's phone account and saw a record of all the texts and phone calls he made in the last month - over 200 calls and texts in 4 weeks. This and a call from him to say that Z was ill and he was going to talke care of her kids was the final straw. Big confrontation ending in me saying that I knew about all the phone calls and he'd see for himself when his bill came (£143). Lots of talking - 'she's my friend, we're very similar, she's like my twin, we have talked about how things would have been different if we'd met 15 yrs ago, we know it couldn't go any further - children blah blah'. I accused him of thinking of her all the time, waiting for me to leave the house be at work etc. He's moaning at me for intruding on his privacy and buying GPS tracker (I did - but he found it before I'd used it -not careful enough in the hiding )
This went on and off for a couple of days; now he is NC, he has left his phone account 'open' and is starting to 'get it'. May yet ask him to go away for a bit to give me space. This am he has been offered another school teaching job and his temper is vile - I suspect he's full of resentment because he HAS to do this to take care of us, no choice etc
Oh I'm tired of it already - he's gone back to the school to take his cv and documents - every time he goes out I'm anxious.

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RoxyFox211 · 15/07/2013 14:54

Im really sorry op but i think you probably do need that little bit of space right now. It cant be healthy for him to have such an open obessession with this woman. At least he is honest but this fantasy will always remain as it is forbidden or out of bounds, i cant imagine the feelings going away. Unfortunatly, in a a similar situation within my own family dp waited until dc's were less reliant (about 12/13) then left for fantasy woman who had been hovering around for 8 or so years (who also left fam). In waiting until children were older it was more acceptable, however perhaps even more hard for their ex - feeling used all that time. I think they wished theyd just ended it earlier to save things getting nasty and resentful. You could end up being cast as the witch and being made to feel rubbish about yourself because of your dps obsession with this women who has come to encapsulate a dream partner for them, enabling them to over look their flaws and concentrate on yours.

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FobblyWoof · 15/07/2013 14:59

I'm sorry to hear that your concern was right. I think we all, even you, knew deep down you were but it still can't be nice to have your feared confirmed in this way.

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MissStrawberry · 15/07/2013 15:11

"Every time he goes out I'm anxious."

This is no way to live .

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MissStrawberry · 15/07/2013 15:12

And saying he is staying because of the children is heart breaking. Why not stay because of you, because he loves you?

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foslady · 15/07/2013 15:25

So sorry to hear it's got to this. I think you need space. The children don't need a father behaving like that

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YouTheCat · 15/07/2013 18:03

He's run up over £140 in calls and texts in a month?

He has no respect for you.

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captainmummy · 15/07/2013 18:25

Why doies he need to 'look after her dc?' What about her DH?

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StuntGirl · 15/07/2013 18:35

Oh my goodness OP I'm so sorry it ended this way.

Ask him to leave. He's a twat.

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crunchbag · 15/07/2013 18:36

He told you she is like his twin and if they had met 15 years ago things would have been different. What a nasty and horrible thing to say to you, you must be devastated and shocked.
He doesn't sound sorry or as if he is starting to get it.

I think you need some space away from him and his temper

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captainmummy · 15/07/2013 19:00

So things would have been different if they'd met 15 years ago? They'd have fallen in love and married? And now he can't because he's with you?

They have talked about this. Talked about getting together!

Ask him to leave, make his mind up. IF he wants you, he'll come back. IF he doesn't, he won't.

Either way you'll know. Either way you will be able to face it. Don't, for gods sake, cling to a man who wants someone else.

This fluttering around her (and you) has got to stop. One way or the other.

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Euclase · 15/07/2013 19:37

Says she's his twin and if he had met her 15 years ago etc etc

I'd have demanded space on that comment alone. I'm all for friendships of the opposite sex but this takes the piss

He's bordering on EA territory and if you're feeling anxious that's not great

I home you find the strength over the next few months to help you through it

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Onetwo34 · 15/07/2013 19:37

They think they are like twins, and they both think they'd have made different life choices if they'd met 15 years ago?
I cannot believe he has the gall to say something so dismissive of your life and family to you. What a selfish, blind, thoughtless fool.
How dare he?

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Dozer · 15/07/2013 19:50

Kick him out while you "think about things", on the basis of his comments alone, let alone the texts and calls!

He doesn't seem to value or respect you at all, please value and respect yourself.

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