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to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 28/05/2013 21:35

DH is a teacher. Reputation is everything in that field. He has to he told to pack it in now. He's embarrassing you given what dd has said, behaving very unprofessionally, putting the family at risk on several levels. So angry for you.

diddl · 29/05/2013 13:36

He sounds such an embarrassment.

squoosh · 29/05/2013 13:58

I agree with Cosydressinggown, I'd just ask him straight out, 'Do you fancy Ms X?'

Tenacity · 29/05/2013 14:15

"He fancies her and it needs to be stopped.

He needs to stop tutoring her child."

Totall agree with this.

faulkernegger · 29/05/2013 23:38

Thanks all. I'm trying not to over react and I think the jokey approach is more natural from me. Have to wait until next lesson now after half term, but I'll keep you posted.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/05/2013 00:00

Why do you have to wait until the next lesson? Can you not just tell him how you feel?

Btw I don't think this is an over-reaction, I think you have been extremely tolerant.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 30/05/2013 00:18

Don't wait for the next lesson. Just talk to him as you planned. Half term is ideal for giving him time to reflect on his behaviour and make changes.

faulkernegger · 30/05/2013 00:21

Hi Fairenuff - I'm only waiting till the next lesson when conversation will naturally arise. If anything gets mentioned beforehand I'll seize the moment. I am quite a tolerant person, and in 14 years together I have never been bothered by his friendships with other women, so I'm not going to jump to conclusions now.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/05/2013 00:26

Ok faulk you know what you're doing. Keep posting. It may come to nothing, or you might be glad of the colllective wisdon and support of mn. No-one here will judge you, I'm sure, but there is a wealth of knowlege and support if you need it x

digerd · 30/05/2013 15:40

She was coming round to give him the cheque on Tuesday, wasn't she?
Did you notice his manner with her?

faulkernegger · 30/05/2013 18:41

Digerd the cheque thing was a week or so ago. He was his usual friendly self, but when we sat down with cups of tea he sat on the floor leaning back on his hands with his legs out in front, and smiled at her a lot making a lot of eye contact. She seemed perfectly normally behaved. HOWEVER, I just suggested we went out for a family bike ride tomorrow in the better weather, and he looked a bit surprised, and then said 'oh great, I had planned to any way with ds, and by the way Z and her two ds might come along'...then he left to go teach another pupil. My ds then said that today 'Daddy went to Halfords to buy Z's ds a thing to go on his bike tyre so it wouldn't get punctures'
Oh, and the bike ride we're going on starts just behind Z's house.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 30/05/2013 18:42

Ding a ling a ling (alarm bells a ringing)

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 18:46

Are you sure there is a husband or a partner?
Are they coming along to the bikeride?

namechangeofshame · 30/05/2013 18:47

Thoughts are he had organised a lovely bike ride without you and now v you seem to be the one coming along on their outing!

Not ok really not ok.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 18:47

"he sat on the floor leaning back on his hands with his legs out in front, and smiled at her"

Hmm Do grown men really sit like that?
Big open "come on", dont you think?

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 18:48

I would honestly just pack his bags and ask him to check into a hotel and ponder his behaviour lately.

Cosydressinggown · 30/05/2013 18:51

The thought that he'd already planned a bike ride, and gone to buy something for her DS's bike makes me feel a bit queasy to be honest.

What is her situation? Is her partner coming on the bike ride too, if she has one?

I honestly think you need to say something - and the fact your DD has said he is obsessed with her is a really natural way in to it, and now she HAS come up naturally in conversation, because you have found out that he was planning a bike ride with her and her children, had NOT told you about it and had NOT told you that he went to buy something for her child's bike.


Boomba · 30/05/2013 18:55

Tell him that you don't want to go with 'Z and her 2', that you want a family day

takeaway2 · 30/05/2013 18:58

Buy her DS something for his bike? Are you kidding me? Omg. Something is going on. Unless he is their long lost relative or he's just found out that her DS is his son from a long ago affair I think you need to nip this in the bud.

If you didn't think to go on a bike ride, would he have disappeared at the appointed time with some lame excuse to go on that ride with them?? Or is this really all that innocent that he somehow knew/remembered that they were doing the bike ride and wasn't going to join them. But because you mentioned it, he remembered.... ?

Tbh my dh would not even remember who's going to where. So for your h to remember that she's going on that bike ride is quite strange. Then again I'm generalizing here but most men I know are pretty hopeless with things like that unless its written in their diaries or something.

QOD · 30/05/2013 19:12


fuzzypicklehead · 30/05/2013 19:23

At this point I'd either
a) have a full and frank conversation about it at the nearest possible opportunity or

b) start snooping. If I didn't have the guts to push a confrontation right then, I'd probably be checking phone/emails to see whether there was anything to cause concern.

I know that's not a popular option on MN, and it's probably best to speak to him before you breach his trust.

Wishfulmakeupping · 30/05/2013 19:24

This is all wrong wrong wrong
You are being very laid back about this OP I would be going nuts by now

Minimammoth · 30/05/2013 19:34

I would try a very straight forward and honest approach, no games.
"You spend a lot of time over at msxxxxs, I am beginning to feel uncomfortable about it. Dd says you are obsessed with msxxxxs. I feel we should re assure her......".wait for response.
You can then perhaps talk about professional boundaries if the conversation goes that way.
Good luck

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 19:36

And you can ask him why he is planning family outings with another woman and your children, but without you.

ProphetOfDoom · 30/05/2013 19:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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