to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

[faulkernegger]

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

[fengirl1]

Faulk, PLEASE get him out of your life for a while. After the initial stuff has blown over, sit back and wait to see what happens.
'If they had met....' FGS, what a slap in the face....

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I am so sorry, this is really upsetting. He is having an EA, and I agree, he needs to bugger off and decide whether you and your children really matter more than his fantasy

[thispunderfullife]

I'm.so sorry to hear this faulk- horrendous for you. He is caught up in a madness and he needs to Go, no matter how expensive or inconvenient to him this is. this is not a way to live and I wish you all the strength in the world

[maddening]

omg - does she know that you know? Does she have the same feelings for him? Is he still teaching her dc?

[maddening]

one2 has it nailed - be angry that his comment dismisses you, your relationship and your children!

[cosydressinggown]

I really wish he sounded very, very sorry and sad about his behaviour, but he sounds sullen and defiant. I am sorry he has been so utterly hurtful and disrespectful to you. I can't help wishing you would give him the treatment he deserves, because without it he is not going to respect you. He has treated you like complete crap with his words and actions and whilst it's good that you've called him on it, you have not done anything to make him see that YOU think you are worthy of more. You really are. Please understand that you deserve much, much better than this. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you, even if he had met someone else 15 years ago, would have chosen you, even if it wasn't for the children, would have chosen you. Who perhaps made a mistake, yes, but is devastated at the idea of hurting you, hates himself for the pain he's caused you, would do anything to make it better.

I also think you need honesty from him about how far this has gone. I find it hard to believe they've been alone together talking about how 'nothing could ever happen' but they are attracted to one another, and yet not doing anything about it. :(

I'm so, so sorry. xxxxx

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"'she's my friend, we're very similar, she's like my twin, we have talked about how things would have been different if we'd met 15 yrs ago, we know it couldn't go any further - children blah blah'. "

I'm sorry if this comes across harshly, but you need to KICK HIM OUT. He sees himself as the male lead in a doomed-romance-tragedy movie. If you are going to save your marriage, you need to rewrite his script. Right now he is probably imagining that "things would have been different if we'd met 15 yrs ago" can be morphed into "things will be different once the children are older" and you need to totally disabuse him of that idea. He is continuing his marriage with you UNTIL the time is right for the star-crossed-lovers to be together. Aah, how sweet ! No marriage can survive something like this - are you really able to accept his staying around for a few years and then leaving? Are you happy to be used?

But how will this fantasy of his play out if you kick him out? Is she going to leave her husband and children to be with him? I very much doubt it - far too real life! She's going to back away as fast as she can. And how is he going to react to that? He's going to wake up from this fantasy/infatuation and smell the coffee.

Please, please do not accept his script. It's fantasy and will only lead to you being in even more pain then than now. He needs to be shocked back to reality, and kicking him out will probably be the only way to do it. When he's come to his senses, then you can start to repair your relationship if you want. But no repair is possible whilst he still pines for her.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

he thinks he can tell you this stuff like you are his friend and you won't be hurt by it. ARSE.

[Wellwobbly]

"we have talked about how things would have been different if we'd met 15 yrs ago, "

• is a declaration of feelings and a recognisable stage in affairs. Sex comes after this.
  

Hmmm to all the people who said MN was hysterical.

Good luck Faulk. Be tough NOW and kick him out. Also make it public and make sure Z gets in the firing line too. Nothing pops fantasies like a little bit of attention.

[mittensthekitten]

If Z had any decency she'd be contacting you directly saying 'I'm so, so sorry, it really is innocent, I have no interest in your hubby' etc.

The pair of them are really taking the piss. Please don't let them.

It sounds like the thing he's saddest about is not getting to carry on inappropriately with another woman anymore, not hurting and betraying his chosen partner. He needs a short, sharp reality shock.

[tanukiton]

Good luck in your choices. I would say have an exit strategy ready. This man is not happy, you are not happy. again if this is a just a fantasy it needs some cold water poured on it and quick. Ask him to leave for a few days.

[Squitten]

So the only reason he's with you is because he wasn't lucky enough to meet his new-found soul-mate first? Wow. How fortunate for you OP.

I hope you understand how disgusting and insulting that is.

[shewhowines]

You can't exist for years in this state of anxiety. He is staying for the children or he is staying because she won't leave her Dh yet. Either way there is no point you putting yourself through it.

Let him fly free. Make the decision for him and make him leave. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it. He doesn't need to make a decision.

If he wants to come back and you are sure he is doing it for the right reasons i.e. he wants you, not the security of his old life or the children, then he is actively making a choice rather than doing the easy thing which is doing nothing.

If you don't respect yourself, then he certainly won't. You deserve more. Don't settle for scraps in a relationship.