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to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 03/06/2013 22:15

I know where my home is and where my family is'


You feel better after he said this?!

That is basically an admission that he is playing with fire here.

If he's having to remind himself of where his home and family are, that is because he's tempted to go elsewhere.

It also makes you sound like the boring homely wife, while she is the real love interest.

Seriously, you need to draw a line here.

He has just refused to do it.

It seems to me that he just asked your permission to continue his affair, and you gave it.

piratecat · 03/06/2013 22:21

Athing, you have put it very well.

How dare he give you those crumbs, and poor you you have to feel grateful for them??

He's having a mid life expedition. OH and gosh yes he's so helpful, i am very sure he's making a detour to hers after lending his gear out, or atleast phoning her.

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 22:28

I would definitely check his phone because if he still went to her after the latest conversation it would leave no doubt in your mind would it.

And that's the problem now. Even if he says he will stop seeing her, you will want to check up on him. This is what lies do to relationships, they erode the trust.

He should be making more of an effort to reassure you. Has he actually, categorically stated to you that there is no attraction, no flirting, nothing that should concern you at all?

Sallystyle · 03/06/2013 22:35


This thread breaks my heart.

It's so obvious that so much more is going on here.

Lots of love and strength to you, OP x

Apileofballyhoo · 03/06/2013 22:42

faulkernegger Sad I don't really know what to say except have also been thinking of you today. What he said is very strange. I think maybe he is compartmentalising. You, home, family do not have anything to do with his feelings for Z. He is trying to convince himself and you that the 2 things are totally separate. I think maybe it needs to be made clear that they are not separate, and his behaviour in one part of his life will have a direct effect on the other part of his life. I'm sorry OP. I really am. He needs to choose between her and you.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 03/06/2013 23:13

Oh OP I am so Sad for you too, athing said everything that went through my mind when I read your latest update. Time to kick some hubby butt good n proper.

pickledsiblings · 03/06/2013 23:22

OP, I think that perhaps you are insecure in your relationship for whatever reason (low self-esteem?) and for that reason you are finding it difficult to say what you really think/want. I could be way off here, apologies if that is the case. You deserve his honesty but perhaps he can sense that it may be too much for you to take. You need to toughen up - remind him that one relationship develops at the expense of another and that he is jeopardising 'his home and family' by developing a friendship with this woman.

stonesteps · 03/06/2013 23:27

I have been lurking here and I want to add my voice to the others telling you that you need to have it out properly with your DH. I think he is teetering on the edge and you have only a brief window of time in which you can recover this relationship before he either moves this into a physical affair (if he hasn't already) or you lose trust in him anyway.

Either get proof that something is really going on, or talk openly to him, lay your cards on the table and tell him exactly what you think might be going on and how you feel. You should know by his reaction whether or not it is worth salvaging this. Trust your instincts.

You sound very strong and not at all hysterical; stay strong and know that you have lots of support here.

badinage · 03/06/2013 23:41

Having just been carpeted about lying and managing to sidestep any questions or answers about why he was lying, I expect he was being especially careful not to compound that with more lies.

So he was very careful.

The most normal response would have been "I'm not having an affair with her and I've got no intention of having an affair with her"

Instead he said

"She is a friend. I like her. Don't worry, I know where my home is and where my family is"

In other words "I'm having an affair with her but don't worry, I won't be leaving home".

He will congratulate himself tonight that at least he didn't tell any more lies.

I'm sure it is difficult to pin him down to having a conversation.

It's the last thing he wants to do right now.

garlicgrump · 04/06/2013 00:30

I wasn't expecting the response - 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry'

Oh dear, Faulk, I am squirming for you :( It's the second time he's done this, and both times he surprised you. That's quite convenient, as your surprise seems to have distracted you from clarity of purpose.

Please note, darling, this response is all about him. You have told him urgent, deep concerns of yours. His response is, consistently so far, to tell you how he feels and to offer you no solutions. He didn't even offer you a good, empathetic listen.

I once collapsed during a miscarriage; I was at work, with my best friend, and asked her for help. She told me she has an extreme fear of blood. So fascinated was she by her own issue, she didn't even think to call me a cab or an ambulance, fetch paper towels or anything. She didn't care about me Angry

I actually think that what your partner's done to you is worse.

Greenkit · 04/06/2013 02:16

Is he sorry he lied, sorry you have caught him, sorry he didnt hide it better?

I agree with above, he is on the edge, you need to bring him back to his senses asap, or he will fall.

OR you could just kick his arse out

NatashaBee · 04/06/2013 03:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney · 04/06/2013 05:55

Op, are you hoping it will all fizzle out?

Is this new, all this driving about lending people things? When anyone borrows anything from us, they come and get it, unless we are passing - it's not a special trip. It sounds like its an excuse to call her and get out of the house.

So he plans to carry on with his new friend and you have to pretend everything is ok? What are you going to do?

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 04/06/2013 06:21

^^ What they all said.

I'm also finding it hard to see how a man who has just had this conversation then feels it's perfectly OK to nip out and be helpful with lots of other people.

Except he probably needed to make some phonecalls. Out of earshot.

I think you are desperately desperately hoping there is nothing to it.

And it still might not have gone beyond his hanging his tongue out at her. And, tbh, he sounds such a pathetic drip that if she said "come on then big boy" he'd probably run a fucking mile...but that's not the point here is it?

He is still being very much let off the hook. The first thing he needs to do is spend some more time with this family whose location he knows so well......because in what, 5 days, he seems to be out and about and doing fuck knows what with fuck knows whom, but spending very little time acting like a normal member of his own family.

I'd be having a look at the phone as well by this stage (and I am never one to advocate doing that on these threads usually) I doubt you'll find anything, I imagine he does a lot of deleting while he's out and about being the local neighbourhood odd job man.

And yes, in his position, the very first thing he should have said to you last night (after sorry) was that the music lessons with her kid, and all other contact would stop.

Did he?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/06/2013 07:04

Faulk you need him to stop seeing this woman and stop tutoring her child. It's not you being paraniod or possesive - it's his behaviour causing concern to both you and your DD. I agree with the poster above that he is compartmentalising and this is a step on the road to enabling himself to progress things with this woman.

You have a right to have emotional needs. A key need is to feel safe but that's not how you feel now, is it? Why not be honest with him and tell him that?

MyPreciousRing · 04/06/2013 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 04/06/2013 07:16

It's still all about him, he has given no thought to your feelings at all and he will continue to see her as he wishes and he doesn't care what you think or say.

Start getting angry with him otherwise he will continue to treat you like a doormat.

His apologises are empty, he's just paying you lip service.

AThingInYourLife · 04/06/2013 07:28

The time for honest chats and laying cards on the table has passed.

He knows how you feel.

He just doesn't care.

Now it's time to shake him out of his complacent presumption that his home and his family will just be where he left them when he finishes his affair.

Back2Two · 04/06/2013 07:44

Morning OP.
I'm sorry that this thread is so relentless. I feel for you, and recognise that at times it's as if it's this thread that is giving you an emotional hard time right now.

But, I think it's good that you've got us here pushing you towards a proper honest and conclusive talk with your husband. It just sounds as though he is patting you on the head when you are telling him that he is hurting you, and scaring you and acting in a peculiar way which is causing mistrust.

If an innocent man was told all this he'd be shocked and he'd "come to his senses". He'd not just say "sorry" and then leave you alone AGAIN becuase he has "important" things to do like deliver a mouthpiece to a random person. Angry

Love and respect would be evident in his response ....oh my god, I've made you and my children feel insecure. I'll stop all this stupid-ness and I'll do my bloody best to reassure you and regain your precious trust. And he wouldn't CONTEMPLATE seeing or speaking to the OW.

His "I know where my home is" comment is SO selfish and insulting. And ironic too.
He is spending SO much time occupied with asparagus quiche and punctures, mouthpieces and jogging DESPITE having been told that his family NEED him at HOME.....tell him that you DON't know if you want to carry on playing the good wife keeping HIS HOME all nice and safe for when he deigns to return. Suggest he is actually acting as if he is quite sure WHERE he lives or WHICH family he wants to spend his time with. He needs to GET A GRIP. it's not another little hobby......this is other people lives he is juggling with and he has NO RIGHT. I'm sorry to judge when I don't know hi but he sounds SO arrogant.

Back2Two · 04/06/2013 07:46

That should sayNOT quite sure where he lives of course.

captainmummy · 04/06/2013 08:36

Back - quite agree. I can see you are having a hard time on MN OP but lots of us on here can see beyond your viewpoint; you are a bit blinded by hope, love, fear, distrust, desparation. And yes, I think he is 'patting you on the head'. It sounds like you are unwilling to confront this head on, and I think he knows this.

Also getting time on the pc with privacy is a challenge, but I'm still reading, trying to keep my paranoia from being fuelled by some of the comments on here, and my own imagination Honestly - time to take off the specs,. and really look at this.

You keep saying what a nice helpful guy he is, to the rest of the town. I think i'd be pushing for some of that nice, helpful-ness to be diverted to your family.

Really, time for a long, proper chat. Write things down that you want brought up, and keep pushing until your get an answer!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 04/06/2013 08:43

All sounds really stressful and upsetting poor you.

He does sound very busy and hard for you to get any time with - can you ask him to clear some time to work on feeling close again. One liner reassurances don't really help in the grand scheme of things, he's treating it like a tiny misunderstanding, not a really important issue that's shaking your whole relationship. He does need to know its a big thing and he needs to take it seriously...

Hope you can have a big talk with him and he invests done time into cementing your relationship as its very very important.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/06/2013 09:10

Oh Op...he says sorry and then goes off to "help" other people instead of staying at home, reassuring you.

The comment about knowing where his home is makes him sound arrogant and entitled. I know I keep saying this, but the only way to bring him back to his senses is for him to feel LOSS and this comment shows he really thinks he has it all and that he will continue to have his cake and eat it Angry

You need to get angry and show him that you are not a doormat and that you deserve respect.

piratecat · 04/06/2013 09:26

the comment implied that he is quite sure you will 'be there' and wait till he's ready to 'come home'.

what about saying, 'I know i love you and only you and you are the only one i want'

no, he just spoke of the home and family. what about you.

Hope you got some rest. xxx

onefewernow · 04/06/2013 10:20

People are right Faulk.

His reaction says it all- including the repeated "I'm sorry".

He is just trying to convince you and himself that he will not go too far, but he probably will as he will get overtaken by his feelings and events.

The problem here is that you are trusting him and his unstable emotions in this situation.

Also you are not stating clearly what you want, so giving him room. Please try to address your own confusion about what you have a right to ask for, and ask for it.

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