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AIBU?

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

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Gruntfuttock · 04/06/2013 10:42

I think the OP is worried about seeming to be a nagging/whiny/neurotic "harridan", and thereby making herself less attractive and Z more attractive to her DP. So she doesn't want to 'keep going on about it'.
But, as virtually everyone else has said, her DP's responses and his behavior require her to do and say more rather than less.
I am extremely sympathetic towards the OP, though, and am so sorry that she is in such a horrible, deeply upsetting situation. I hope it's not too late for her DP to be brought to his senses.

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garlicgrump · 04/06/2013 10:55

Please try to address your own confusion about what you have a right to ask for, and ask for it.

This was really well put, Onefewer.

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Nanny0gg · 04/06/2013 11:40

I know where my home is and where my family is

Not 'I love you and there is nothing going on. I would never jeopardise our family'

And then he goes out, after some weird Sorrys?

Make the time, OP. Pin him down and get him to stop helping others till he's addressed what he's doing.

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CalamityKate · 04/06/2013 12:14

Liars don't like "yes or no" questions. He's wriggling around verbally in order to avoid answering directly.

"Are you having an affair with Asparagus Tart? Yes or no?"

I predict more waffle - "I can't believe you think that" or similar. Pin him down to a one word answer. Far easier to judge whether he's telling the truth.

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ProphetOfDoom · 04/06/2013 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merrin · 04/06/2013 14:11

This must be so horrible for you. I think if it was me I would feel like I was going a little bit mad, like reality has suddenly shifted or changed somehow. Don't doubt yourself or minimise your feelings. He is acting like an addict who, when asked to stop drinking said of course but nips out for a drink asap because that was all rather stressful.

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Cosydressinggown · 04/06/2013 14:56

Oh Faulkernegger I'm sorry to hear how your chat went.

He said 'I'm so sorry' which means he feels he has something to be sorry about (yet even knowing that he's continued to contact her between your last chat and this).

He said, 'I know where my home and my family is' - in other words he is tempted he's just saying he won't do anything daft.

What speaks volumes is the things he hasn't said, the things that any one of us would say if we were in a totally innocent friendship and our partner made these comments...

'Don't be silly, I don't feel like that about her at all!'
'I fancy you to bits - I'd never be interested in another woman!'
'She's just a friend, there's really nothing more to it.'
'I would never do that to you.'
'I can see why it looks bad but honestly, it's just a friendship.'
'I'm not attracted to her at all'

Even if some of those things weren't true - we'd be saying them. All he can say is 'sorry' and he knows where his home is? It's REALLY not good enough I'm afraid. He needs to be saying a hell of a lot more than sorry, and he could start by actually answering your question about why he lied, because I suspect that answer to that contains a hell of a lot more truth and explanation than you've heard so far.

Please don't let him fob you off. I'd bet money that he called her or had some kind of contact with her today.

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Gruntfuttock · 04/06/2013 15:01

It's easy to understand the OP's reluctance to insist on hearing the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, though, isn't it? I'd be scared to death in her place, I know. But it's got to be done, sooner rather than later. Not easy, but necessary.

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badinage · 04/06/2013 17:05

Yes I think it must be scary, but it's like ignoring a lump,or unexplained bleeding. It'll get worse if it's ignored.

Plus I think there's so much pressure on people to be 'cool' about things that make them feel uncomfortable, frightened and insecure. Women especially are so terrified of being seen as jealous, possessive, paranoid or controlling that they make some incredibly stupid bargains with their own very powerful instincts. When the world (and some posters) are braying at you that you're being ridiculous and not cool enough for school, it can take a very strong character to resist all that peer pressure.

Even if it means she stands to lose a life that is more precious to her than anyone knows.

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/06/2013 17:07

I agree badinage

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MrsBethel · 04/06/2013 17:20

Some thougts that occur to me from reading this thread:

It's most likely that they are friends.
We live in a sexist society. Society dictates that men and women are allowed to be friends, but not really good friends.
He could be holding the odd thing back just to avoid any potential conflict. In the back of his mind he probably knows that being good friends with someone of the opposite gender is taboo. I'm guessing he's not a very confrontational sort of person.
There's no evidence of any physcial interest from Z.
It's entirely possible that this guy does fancy Z a bit. Then again he might not. Who knows? Thre possible scenarios:
i) he doesn't fancy her,
ii) he does fancy her a bit, is enjoying basking her glow, but would never do anything about it
iii) he fancies her and would happily cross the line.

(iii) seems very far-fetched from what you say. (i) or (ii) most likely. (ii) is a betrayal of sorts, of course, and I wouldn't like it one bit. Tricky thing, is, I think you'll never know which it is. Do you trust him?
If this guy was serious about shagging around, I seriously doubt he'd do it in such plain sight.

It's all got an air of non-confrontational adolescence about it.

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badinage · 04/06/2013 17:29

The relationships boards are chock full of people having affairs in plain sight.

The OP has repeatedly said she has had no problem with her partner's other friendships with women.

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TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 04/06/2013 17:30

We established that 20 pages back

2. Bollocks.
3. I'm guessing he's not confrontational either, because he's never had to be because of the pedestal his partner has allowed him to sit his arse on.
4. But that doesn't make what our man is doing right, does it?
5. I'd go for a combo of ii) and iii)
6. Jimmy Saville anyone? (as AF said paaaaages back)

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Brillig · 04/06/2013 17:33

faulk, I feel bad for you, everybody on here does

I don't like the sound of the 'sorry, sorry, sorry' thing I'm afraid. Sometimes people apologise like that for things they know they've done, feel guilt-ridden about, but haven't actually told you, because there is something they're hiding.

The comment earlier about watching a car crash in slow motion seems spot on to me. You know that awful sliding feeling when time almost stands still - and then later you keep thinking 'why, why didn't I just hit the brakes?'

This is your moment to hit the brakes - lay it on the line in terms that he can't wriggle away from. Hopefully it's not too late to do that. Personally I think (hope) he might still be at the infatuated teen stage, but I also think it all sounds massively too fishy to be absolutely innocent now.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 04/06/2013 18:08

Mrs Bethel - as I said earlier upthread, my DH had an affair with a close female friend right under my nose.

Op - hope you are ok

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AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 18:53

where is OP ?

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TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 04/06/2013 19:55

She tends to appear in the evenings AF.

When her partner is out in the 'hood lending mowers and stuff.

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EuphemiaLennox · 04/06/2013 20:07

OP I've been lurking, and just wanted to add that whikst I've agreed with much of what's been said on this thread regarding the negative signs, his poor reactions and how it needs tackling...

I fear this thread has become a bit relentless for you, with everyone oh so certain about what's going on, and oh so certain about what you should be doing and so insistent it should be done immediately, when I'm sure for you everything feels very uncertain, confusing and your next steps a very uncertain and will probably be taken in manageable chunks for you.

I do get uncomfortable on MN relationship threads (I know this one is AIBU) when everyone is declaring so certainly and insistently, especially when the OP is rarely on and in effect it's a discussion about them and what they should be doing.

There's a lot of good advice on here, I hope it's being helpful, but if you're feeling its wearing you down, step away, come back when you need to, people will still be here.

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Minimammoth · 04/06/2013 20:10

Agree with Euphemia. You sound really sensible, I think you are doing well, keep talking to him.

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faulkernegger · 04/06/2013 20:19

Thanks euph and mini. Coming back to this of an evening is quite a drama. I am talking to a couple of people in RL who are of much the same opinion as you lot. I am also gathering information by other means so that I have my facts straight, gotta go/

OP posts:

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MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 20:24

OP I think you've handled yourself with enormous strength and dignity. Definitely on your side all the way.

Emotions can run a bit high on these types of threads but it's usually only because everyone's so angry on your behalf!

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LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/06/2013 20:25

So glad you have RL people who can give you a view.

Take care Faulk

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ProphetOfDoom · 04/06/2013 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAMindReader · 04/06/2013 20:30

I am going to tell my story for some comparison.

I developed a rather intense crush on someone who was attached, as was I.
I was aware how easy it would be to cross the line as my head had all kinds of ludicrous scenarios playing through while high on the whole feel of it all.
My judgement of where the line actually was became severely impared.

I dealt with it by recognising it would pass, and knowing the giddy feelings had compromised my normal sense adopted a no tolerance approach.
I made sure I was never alone with this person lest I embarassed myself and quite possibly him by blurting out something stupid.
I forced myself to really look at this persons character to try to reground myself in reality.

I also understood the situation had arisen out of a wish to escape a painful situation that there was really no running from (prolonged terminal illness of someone very dear to me).

Your DH seems to be willfully waltzing further and further down a path of no return here as those dizzy, high everything will be perfect feelings deepen. I hope you can come to some resolution one way or another OP.

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Mixxy · 04/06/2013 20:31

"I know where my home and family is". Oh good, because he doesn't seem to act like he does.

Really sorry this is happening faulk.

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