to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

[faulkernegger]

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

OP, MN makes a lot of assumptions on the basis of quite limited information - people pile in with all sorts of theories and statements of 'fact' based on what you (or any of us) share about our families, and based on our own experiences and prejudices. I don't think any of us can know what's really going on here. Hope you're able to make use of the helpful bits and disregard the bits that just go too far - because we don't (and can't) know. Wishing you the best.

[OrmirianResurgam]

Wanker. Bastard. Twat. Wanker....

Sorry, involuntary reaction these days when I hear about men playing at Knight in Shining Armour.

Nearly a year ago to the days when I found out about H's EA with his little damsel in distress, and the repurcussions are still being felt. Inspite of NC, remorse, honesty and MC. There are times when I still want to part him from his bollocks....

Look, just be open-minded. Accept that there might be a great deal more to this than you want to think. But most importantly look for concrete evidence if you can. Because if I hasn't found H;s texts I don;t think I'd have forced him to face the reality of what he was doing. I was the world's most laidbacl wife. Female friends? No problem. Going on a night out with said friends without me? No probs. Until it was a problem. And then it was almost too late.

Good luck x

[Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard]

Hmmm, now on the one hand I do actually totally believe that a male and a female could have a conversation about asparagus tart. I have a male friend who has a thing about asparagus, and we send each other silly pics of things we've made with asparagus, and we are not having any sort of affair. I can see a scenario where she's talked about a recipe and he's said 'oooh let's have a look at this asparagus tart then!' Only you know if that's plausible.

On the other hand, I don't think it's ok for him to do the puncture repair kit thing or any of the helping things. She has a husband. Either she's asking him too much or he's offering too much, but that is not either of their roles and they should back off. I had a quiet word with my hubby once about a single mum who was asking his help a lot. I was nice at first as I felt bad for her not having a man to help her set up her new computer, move some furniture about, get some things out the loft etc, but it got to the stage where she was relying on him too much, and he, being a nice guy, was going and helping her out when actually his family at home needed him. He wasn't interested in her, but just really helpful. Perhaps there's something similar going on here too.

Totally read his texts and e-mails though, by the way. It's the way forward.

[honeybeeridiculous]

Hi, new to mumsnet but have been following this thread. im in v. similar situation with DH, he is 'friends' with a mum from my sons sports club, i found out they e mail each other, just jokes really ,i knew his password but he has now changed it. i read his txts while he slept, he keeps his phone in his pocket all day, nothing sinister, just her saying sorry she wasnt at the club today, or sorry she didnt say goodbye. i confronted him, he said nothing was going on, she is just a nice woman and why couldnt i be friendly towards her? (cos shes a flirt and is stealing my DH??) he refuses to stop sending her funny e mails, says shes just on the list with other mates, but something doesnt ring true. he says its in my mind, watch this space!

Do let us know how your getting on OP

[Lovelygoldboots]

Hi honeybeer, if you are worried I would start a thread of your own. I think this has been a massive emotional rollercoaster for the op so be prepared. Trying to get to the nub of whether it is a friendship or something more is exhausting. Some women sign off texts with xxxx to everyone, or call them honey etc etc. I think its the secrecy that is the upsetting part, ans also being proprietorial with your partner, making you feel like the outsider.

[Fairenuff]

How are you today Faulk?

I was so sad to read your last post - you sound ready to accept that he is cheating and ignore it. Perhaps you just need more time for it to sink in?

Or perhaps you are prepared to settle for that kind of a relationship, provided he knows where his family is and comes back to you. Of course, if you allow it to continue like this there is the chance that he will fall deeper and leave you anyway.

Personally I don't think I would want a man I couldn't trust, who didn't repsect me and didn't consider our relationship a priority in his life.

I'm glad you have some rl support. It seems that they are of the same opinion, have they noticed anything too? If your children have, it's likely that others have.

[honeybeeridiculous]

Thanks lovelygold

Your right it is the secrecy, he says hes secretive to avoid me kicking off! well tbh that just makes it worse..The woman has her own DH who looks uncannily like my DH!! maybe one isnt enough for her. most of the time im ok with it, then a little alarm bells rings and the paranoia starts again.

[Lovelygoldboots]

I feel very for you honeybeer, that's not good. I think men enjoy this attention and there are women out there who like to receive it and know that they are attractive to someone else. It's playing with fire. One of them has to back down and realize. Fortunately for me my dp did, but it was not easy to put our relationship back together. There were no massive, I'm so sorry, hearts and flowers. I was just glad she was out of our lives so we could get on with ours. Counselling did help also.

[takeaway2]

It's awful to read about all these dh's and their families. I met up with an old friend today and she's on holiday with her family including the dh who comes home in the early hours of the night every night. She knows there are others about. But she's not divorcing him. And it's not for want of money either. She is by far the higher earner in the family.

She says she's doing it for the stability of her kids. He knows how she feels. They go through the motion of pretending to be a couple. Turning up at parents evening, Christmas parties etc and only her closest friends know. They do a pretty good job of faking.

[Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard]

FWIW honeybeer, and without meaning to threadjack from the OP, I don't think your situation sounds much the same tbh. What you tell doesn't make me think your hubby has anything other than a female friend, and is being forced to hide it as you're being a bit nuts about it all.

[MeNeedShoes]

Takeaway that is awful :(

Hope you are okay OP.

[faulkernegger]

Hello everyone ( especially honeybeer). I have managed to break the 9 dot code ( you can see smears on the screen!) and found the email he's using to talk to her - not his usual one, but unlocked (!) Still very innocent messages I have to say. He's started leaving his phone around more - maybe because he thinks I can't get into it...?
I also rearranged my work schedule so I could check up on him on his day off. He was where he said he'd be. He has also been a lot more attentive to me, and consistently so. Now, either he is an absolute master of deception, or everything is above board, and he's being private rather than secretive. In spite of all your comments, I think him saying about knowing where his home and family is, is his inept way of saying he knows the boundaries. Thank you all so much - this is the last comment you'll hear from me on this!

[clam]

Smears on the screen! Inspired!!! Wonder how many people think of that?
Good luck faulkernegger.

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Good for you OP. MN really can overdo the hysteria at times, based on what can only ever be limited information. All the best to you.

[WinkyWinkola]

A separate email account?

He's into this woman.

All the best, op. I hope it all turns out the best for you. X

[clam]

"overdo the hysteria??"
I don't think anyone was being hysterical. Many have felt that he has over-stepped boundaries but the OP, for her own entirely understandable reasons, has decided to let it go for the time being.

She may be back in due course. Up to her.

[AThingInYourLife]

He has a special secret e-mail account just for keeping in touch with her and you think he knows where the boundaries are?

Umm... OK.

[Inertia]

What Athing said.

Good luck with this one Faulkernegger- I do hope that it's all truly as innocent as you believe, and that he is just naive rather than deceptive.

[Goodadvice1980]

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Good luck OP, you're gonna need it ....

[TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong]

I don't think he is the naïve one here.

But yes, good luck OP.

You know where we are.

[CookieLady]

Good luck, it sounds like you'll be needing it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He has a special secret e-mail account just for keeping in touch with her and you think he knows where the boundaries are?"

^^ This.

[Fairenuff]

Does he have a special secret e-mail account for his male friends?

I know where my home is just means that he doesn't plan on breaking up his family. It doesn't mean he won't cheat.

This is one of the hardest things to understand. People who are caught up in emotional affairs do usually start to think about having sex. They have three choices really

1. To not progress from ea to full blow sexual affair
   
2. To have sex with the ow/om and try to hide it from their partner
   
3. To leave their partner and start a new relationship with ow/om
   
   Most choose option 2 because it's the easiest for them. What is best for the marriage, for their faithful partner is not usually a concern for them.
   
   People even start threads about this. "I love my partner and don't want to end my marriage but am really falling for ow/om. What should I do?" type of posts.
   
   What shows, time and time again, is that they never, ever expect to get caught. Because if they realised that the affair would be discovered then would also realise that they are risking their marriage. Which is exactly what they say they want to avoid.
   
   I think you should maybe seek some counselling just for yourself. Trained counsellors would be able to recognise behaviour patterns and advise you accordingly.
   
   You have said that some posts have fuelled your paranoia. Please understand one thing, above all else - you are not paranoid faulk.
   
   These things that he has said and done and continues to say and do are real. He really does have a secret e-mail to keep in touch with her. He really does plan to meet up with her regularly and without you there. He really did go straight to her after you told him your suspicions and how you felt about them. This is real, not paranoia.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Surely using a seperate email for her is secretive not private?