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to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 04/06/2013 21:15

What do you want to happen faulk ? I think you are been so calm about this situation and though i don't understand it (i just couldn't keep control of myself in this situation.....jealousy is a problem for me...) I think you are doing well not to lose it with him. Given what you do know, and the fact that his behavious is upsettibg you so much, i assume you want him to stop seeing her? You are not unreasonable to ask this of him. If he values your relationship as much as you do, he will happily do as you ask. If there really is nothing at all going on, he will still stop seeing her to make you happy.

Cosydressinggown · 04/06/2013 21:39

Glad you're talking to people and gathering 'evidence' faulk although I really hope that he's just being a fool with a crush and needs a shock, rather than anything else.

garlicgrump · 04/06/2013 21:54

Faulk, I'm so glad you're talking to people in real life. Do, please, gather as much support around you as you need. All the best.

musicposy · 04/06/2013 21:57

OP glad you have people in real life. You sound as though you've kept a really clear head on this. I do hope it all works out for you. :)

Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 22:58

Sound like he has a schoolboy crush? Do they never bloody grow up?

MeNeedShoes · 04/06/2013 23:57

OP you seem to be nipping it in the bud early. Well done for not letting it get out of hand.

Blueandwhitelover · 05/06/2013 18:07

Hope you're ok x

ProphetOfDoom · 06/06/2013 19:13

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ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 06/06/2013 21:16

What schmaltzing said ^^ hope op is ok.

ThistleVille · 06/06/2013 22:32

Agree x

faulkernegger · 06/06/2013 23:06

Still here. Feeling less anxious, although DP still glued to his phone. Keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut for the time being. Thanks for the support!

OP posts:
sleepwouldbenice · 06/06/2013 23:48


I just want to send you some more hugs. You need to do what feels right for you, and if keeping a watchful eye works at the moment then so be it.

Personally, especially given that you are obviously not usually worried or jealous or controlling or any of those things you may worry about looking like you are, I think that to put your foot down and say that you really need this relationship to end, in all forms because it made you feel so concerned and uncomfortable is really not unreasonable at all. And is necessary for your sanity and your relationship. But I know that's a big step to take

Take care

KeatsiePie · 07/06/2013 00:02

Hi. There's nothing wrong with taking your time to watch the situation. It's your marriage, it's important, you don't have to rush.

If I were you, I would be wary of letting it simply fade away though. Those "why" questions were never answered (why does he seem so strongly attached to her, why is he glued to his phone, etc.). If something is going on between them, or starting to go on, your DH may think that he just needs to keep it a bit quieter to avoid problems with you.

Especially if he and she feel like this is the very beginning of something that may be really special and they really have to find out what it is, he may get very protective of it. He may start to feel, however ridiculous this sounds, that he owes it to himself to find out what this thing is between them, he may therefore decide it's okay for him to keep it going very quietly so he can find out "what it means." I hope that is not what's happening, but mention it so that you'll be careful not to let this problem fade away. I know it would be nicer to just let it go but I think that is risky.

So again, don't stop watching, and do sit him down again when you're ready. At the bare minimum, meaning even if you find out for sure that there is/was nothing going on between them, you'll need to talk together about boundaries, what's appropriate in a friendship, making each other the priority, etc. Good luck.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/06/2013 00:35

Hope everything works out Faulk. Glad you are talking to people and have support in RL. It seems your DP isn't ready to be honest with you about his feelings. Just look after yourself and don't put up with any crap.

onefewernow · 07/06/2013 00:40

Look at chump lady. com

NatashaBee · 07/06/2013 00:40

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pickledsiblings · 07/06/2013 07:36

OP, I think your current attitude sounds a bit defeatist and will possibly end in the discovery of a full blown affair.

What happened to talking about things, properly talking, without the kids around as a distraction? If your DD had a friend that you felt was a bad influence on her and you could see that the friendship was leading your DD down the wrong path you would not just mention it a few times and then sit back and wait for the fall out.

If you are worrying that any further protestations may encourage your DH in a 'better to be hung for a sheep as a lamb way' (i.e. you already think he's having an affair so he might as well go ahead and have one), just be clear when you speak to him that you don't think he is having an affair 'yet' but it has all the warning signs of becoming one and that together you and he need a plan of action to get things back on the right track. Hopefully he will suggest cancelling the music lessons. He doesn't owe X any explanation and hopefully your involvement with her and her family will just fade away with time.

I wish you the best of luck with it all Faulk.

captainmummy · 07/06/2013 08:44

God - I couldn't live like that; the constant worry, the eyes everywhere, the waiting for an opportunity to snatch his phone....

I'd much rather know, one way or the other, and that unfortunately means stirring up the hornets nest.

But then i'd rather be on my own that live like that.

OP hope you are ok, and that it doesn't just get brushed under the carpet. For years.

OctopusPete8 · 07/06/2013 09:39

Do you mean glued to his phone like games or possesive?

RinseAndRepeat · 07/06/2013 10:13

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Cosydressinggown · 07/06/2013 11:22

I'm sorry you seem to be letting him away with this, to be honest. You asked him a question - 'why have you been keeping contact with this woman a secret from me?' and he didn't answer. You need the answer to that question - and you need to not let him away with not answering you!

Also, if it were me, and I'll get shot down in flames but I don't care, I would be getting hold of his phone when he's asleep. I know you said it's locked but I'm sure you can observe him unlocking it and work out the pattern. Or simply say when you're out 'damn, my phone is flat, can I borrow yours to call xyz?' and a) see if he acts shifty about handing it over (my hubby wouldn't blink because he has nothing to hide) and secondly, you will then have to ask him how to unlock the screen (or watch while he does it).

Gruntfuttock · 07/06/2013 11:29

As I said in an earlier post I think the OP is frightened to death of her suspicions being confirmed. 100% understandable, but prolonging the agony is not a solution. Finding out the truth is the only way to (eventual) peace of mind IMO

Smilehappy · 07/06/2013 14:17

Hi OP just read this whole thread and very upset for you, you have been very reasonable and calm about this situation DP has put you in and I have so much respect for that... I think gut instincts are always right, this needs to be nipped in the bud. I do think this thread is feeding your worry. It's not good. However there is a lot of support here and everyone wants what's best for you.

I hope nothing comes from this and that it's sorted promptly

Good luck!

ProphetOfDoom · 07/06/2013 19:59

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ProphetOfDoom · 07/06/2013 20:05

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