Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
Coconutty · 27/05/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tee2072 · 27/05/2013 20:58

You don't want to do it? Don't.

Pinkflipflop · 27/05/2013 20:58

Just tell them I won't be doing that!

Why? Because it doesn't fit with our schedule, other commitments.

Original poster
averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 21:00

Thanks! I'm quite good at being assertive over text or email it's just I know they will ask me face to face and don't want to end up saying yes when I mean no!

OP posts:
ReluctantBeing · 27/05/2013 21:00

Ignore the hints.

GoodbyeRubyTuesday · 27/05/2013 21:00

Nope, you have no obligation to enter into a regular arrangement. We occasionally had to give lifts to a girl up the road and she was never ready to leave so made my mum late for work, my mum had to start saying no.

NatashaBee · 27/05/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTDibbler · 27/05/2013 21:01

No is a complete sentence. Well, to be polite you add 'No, that doesn't work for me'. But don't say anything unless they ask outright

cocolepew · 27/05/2013 21:02

Don't give i, if you are asked just say no, you don't need to give a reason.

cocolepew · 27/05/2013 21:02

in

SuperStrength · 27/05/2013 21:02

Perhaps a pre-emptive strike would be a good idea??
A little story about a friend of a friend who took another friends child to school for them & how it was a complete nightmare & she felt really taken advantage of...finshed off with...they've only got themselves to blame as I would never agree to an arrangement like that on the basis that I wouls be really judgemental of people who could be bothered to make space in their lives to take their own kids to school...
You don't have to mean all that but it'll put him off asking.

cozietoesie · 27/05/2013 21:03

It's better if you just say No face to face first off but if you really feel yourself crumbling then say you're really busy and you'll email them - when you say you can be assertive.

That can be your back up if you're not feeling strong - and once you've done that, you'll find any subsequent face to face a lot easier.

TheSnowFairy · 27/05/2013 21:03

We take our neighbour's son to school twice a week and it is no trouble at all.

Maybe you could try it for one day a week and suggest the earlier time, she could play quietly while you get yours ready.

TheSnowFairy · 27/05/2013 21:04

Blimey, just realised I am the only person not saying a straight no!!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/05/2013 21:05

Ok. First of all, you have to not care if they think you're unreasonable. can you do that? Be ok with them not being happy?

Because if you can manage that - you've cracked it.

You could always, next time it's mentioned, say "I am sure you will sort it. You could always hire a childminder. I think they're fantastic. It's not a job I could do, I really admire them. There's NO WAY I would ever take on ferrying other people's kids about. I've enough on with mine."

Then look them straight in the eye.

Unless they are really REALLY dim, they'll get it.

Original poster
averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 21:06

Oh - I like the idea about saying I'll email them. I hate being put on the spot as it makes me so flustered.

OP posts:
Scruffey · 27/05/2013 21:06

You must say no somehow, it will be such a bind. How arrogant of them to set you up like this. I am a sahm and people so often feel they can take advantage but I have learned to say no. Stand firm with her husband, tell him no that does not suit you.

seesensepeople · 27/05/2013 21:09

I'm in agreement with the pre-emptive strike but would go for handing her a list of registered childminders in the area. Smile sweetly and say "I know how worried you've been about childcare and the school run so I picked this up for you when I was in town."

dixiechick1975 · 27/05/2013 21:14

If there is no way you want to then say no.

Is there any chance you may need the neighbour to help you though?

eg one child ill so she could take the other on days she is not at work or collect from an afterschool activity so you don't have to make 2 trips if only one of yours is doing art club/chess whatever.

I don't mind helping out other mums and in turn they have helped me when I am in a bind eg a hospital appointment clashing with the school run.

Original poster
averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 21:17

dixiechick1975 I don't mind helping out in a crisis at all. I've happily helped do pick up when a friend is poorly or needed to go to a docs appt etc. But, what I don't want to do is be tied into a regular commitment to taking their DD to school.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 27/05/2013 21:18

Wow! How bloody entitled are they? There are several SAHMS on our road and I wouldn't dream of asking them to take my kids to school 1. Childminder 2. Convenient grandparent (if such exists) 3. Breakfast club. I have begged the occasional after school favour but only on a strictly reciprocal basis. I have problems with the sentence "No." too Grin

PeppermintCreamsSaga · 27/05/2013 21:19

Just say no. If you think you might be persuaded, blame your husband.

pigsDOfly · 27/05/2013 21:19

No, no, no. Don't let them railroad you.

Because of my inability to say no, and mainly because my now xh wanted everyone to think we were obliging people, I ended up taking various children to school and even one of the teachers back and forth for over 2 years. Like you, I hated it and felt permanently resentful.

Just stick to you guns, smile sweetly and say something like, Oh no, I'm afraid it wouldn't fit in with our schedule.

Chivetalking · 27/05/2013 21:19

They sound like a pair of chancers.

Not only do you need to say no you also need to be prepared to buy yourself time to bolster your resolve to say it if they try and put you on the spot.

Think up a few get out of jail clauses in advance eg 'I'll need to think it over', 'I'll need to get back to you 'etc. That way you can bolster your resolve and not be flustered into it.

Good luck!

PareyMortas · 27/05/2013 21:21

Next time they're hinting I'd just say "well don't ask me, I'm afraid I find two hard enough to manage".