To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

[averywoomummy]

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP YANBU.

It's not an emergency or a one off favour you might one day need returned , it's a three day commitment every week to someone else's child and someone else's work schedule.

What happens on the mornings they suddenly need to leave very early for, because they have an early meeting miles away, or the extra day they have been asked to work that week because someone else is off?

You'll suddenly find yourself expected to have the child at your house for breakfast two hours before school starts rather than waiting at the gate for you to collect as you walk by.

Or if they are running late one morning when your children need to be there early?

It doesn't matter how many other people have arrangements like this or how well it might work for them, you don't want to do it and it's not fair to expect you to take on a commitment you will come to resent, just because it works well for someone else. Especially when there's a fourth child lurking in the background for the following year.

DS is coming to the end of his first year in F1. One of the mothers of another boy in his class made a big point of getting friendly with us and at first it was nice to have someone as a back-up if there was a problem.

I brought her DS home for lunch one day when she was ill, she offered to pick mine up when I thought I might be late back from an appointment.

Then she started to shout to me as we were passing her house, asking me to take him in with DS. It wasn't a big problem at first but it became a daily thing and soon she was just sending him out and I wouldn't even see her.

The teachers started to comment to me about it as they wanted to have a word with her. And it was a bit of a hassle on wet days to get two children out of wellies and waterproofs in an overcrowded cloakroom, put everything on the right pegs and shelves, find diaries and drinks and snacks and get them both in on time, just because she didn't fancy coming out in the rain. And then later on I'd get a text "can you pick X up and drop him off on your way passed?" So it would be the other way then, get two boys, find waterproofs and wellies and drinks and snack boxes and get them ready and out.

And her son is hard work. He's one of those who will run off or misbehave and then say "you can't tell me off, you can't tell me what to do." Or worse "I can hear you talking but I don't know what you're saying, it's just blah blah blah to me."

Then she got a part-time job and just asked outright "Which days are you going to have X after school? His grandma has said she can do Friday so if you do Tuesday and Thursday I will ask Friend 1 to do Monday and Friend 2 to have him on Wednesday. Can you walk him home at 2pm?"

She was a bit shocked when people were not happy about being told they were now her unpaid regular childcare and it all fell through after a week or so.

I had to be quite blunt and say that having him twice a week every week was not going to work for us and that I would take him occasionally but would have to let her know when it was possible rather than commit to a regular day.

DS has other friends he likes to invite home and having this one boy twice a week and working one of the other days myself meant that it was hard to invite anyone else over to play for a start.

Stick to your guns OP. Say no and don't be pressured into giving reasons or excuses or doing it for just one day a week or anything like that.

If they have a younger child they must already have some sort of childcare in place, I'm sure they will be able to organise a childminder or breakfast club for the older one.

jinsei I do sound a bit harsh, i guess....but having been run ragged by being a 'yes' person, I had an epiphany and now live firmly on the 'no, I cant be bothered' side of the fence. Life is much better over here! And I never featured in the 'values and priority' radar of the people who used me.

You could mutter something, like you were thinking out loud..."well, if i did, i would have to register as a childminder, start up costs would be about £400, of which I could charge you half, and at £10 an hour, it might be a good way of making some Christmas money. Hmmm, let me think about it"

She would probably not ask you after that, if she mentioned you could do it on the sly, you could say "i couldn't possible do that, that would be dishonest and what if something happened to your dc and I didn't have insurance?"

Or if she asks you could say "let me think about it, but I am leaning towards no as and then go home and email her no. I know how hard it is to sy no. I am becoming much more assertive, but still hate saying an outright no.

"Not being arsed is a perfectly good enough reason to say no, if that's how you choose to live. The OP doesn't have to justify herself at all. At the end of the day, I guess it's about values and priorities."

The neighbours are not valuing or prioritising the OP though. They are seeing her as a cheap, easy fix by wanting her to provide regular, unpaid childcare.

When they could just as easily do what many other people do, take their own child to school, organise a breakfast club or find a proper childminder, stay at home while their children are young. Someone else must have their other child while they both, so why not ask that person to take the older child to school?

It's not a one off to help someone out of a fix, it's a regular arrangement that the OP does not want to take part it. She shouldn't have her values or her priorities questioned because of that.

i agree with jinsei. on these threads it tends to be the sahms who feel put out at being asked and the wohms who see it as helping out another working mum. on mn, that seems to be the way it goes. i work pt and would be fine with doing this - if the children got on. breakfast club seems such a waste of money - a tenner for an hour here. if they didn't get on tho, then it wouldn't work out

however, op, yanbu, if you don't want to do it, just be honest and say no

That's because it benefits you merci as a sahm how does it help to provide childcare for other parents (not just the mum ) when I know they will never be in a position to help me out even in an emergency?
Great if two working parents can help each other out. I think it's fair to say that many stay at home parents have reciprocal helping arrangements.

I walk past a charity shop every day, does that mean that I am duty bound by it being possible, not out of my way, a nice thing to do...to volunteer? Why not tie the neighbourhood dogs leads to my belt and walk them all to...after all, its not out of my way! Why stop there? I could stick a broom handle up my arse and sweep the streets too!!

Just tell her you don't mind the odd occasion, but don't want to make a regular commitment.
What would they do if you were on holiday or your DC's were sick etc?

Just because you are a SAHM, doesn't mean you are now a general dogsbody for anyone who ever lived.

Well yes, but they are looking to.make arrangements which is why, perhaps, they are thinking of asking OP. If they are offering to pay (which they might) then this might be a mutually advantageous business arrangement and they are at present putting out feelers re same. Maybe they don't feel comfortable looking for someone they don't know. Obviously OP can and should say 'no' without having to give excuses or justify herself but I'm not sure that the neighbours are being unreasonable to ask, because, as I say if OP was interested it could, potentially have wored out quite well.

Don't do it . I currently do drop off and pick up for a neighbour and I'm totally tied. Like you sometimes I like to walk in/ drive / leave early or late etc. since taking this boy in the mornings very often he is late or early and I have to let him in whilst in running about still trying to get mine ready. I asked for a favour a couple of times in return if they could collect mine when I had to go somewhere , they were an hour late picking them up then they came up with a sorry excuse that they can't help again as they are going through a bad patch so basically I'm stuck with this boy every day dropping off and picking up , he has even had to come shopping /parents eve Etc with us . But I am the sort of person who feels guilty saying no !

Sahp feel resentful of this type of arrangement because there is an assumption that sahp have nothing better to do than fill on the child care gaps for other people - as if it's okay for other people to assume we will happily spend our days doing things for free that they should be paying for, because of course a sahp's time isn't valuable.

But we don't know that thry want hrr to do it for free do we. We don't even know if they are going to ask (although they probably are). If they offer to pay tyen they would not be undervaluing OP as a SAHM would they?

I too used to find it easier swapping inset day childcare etc with other working Mums. However, I did ask a SAHM to help out for a regular time when DD was in year 1 and DS at a childminder. I dropped DD at her house, then dropped DS off, then went to work. She walked DD to school with her youngest (1 year older) and collected her for me and had her for anything from 10-30 minutes at home after school until DS's childminder could collect her. (The childminder did the school run to another school.) However, I PAID my friend to have DD and also sent round snacks etc for after school sometimes.
Once the afterschool club opened we used that, and when DS started school I changed my hours and picked them both up.

I wouldn't want to do it on a permanent basis, emergencies are fine but just because you are home it should not be assumed you are available. I have made sacrifices so I can be at home and do the school runs for DS With DS1 I was a fulltime working mum (and paying childcare) and never got the chance to do school runs. You would be in effect financially subsidizing their lifestyle

I wouldn't dare ask a SAHM to help me out, having read MN

Like pps over the years we've built reciprocal relationships with other parents who WOH. Or more accurately, the children ds has tended to be most pally with have working parents, which is a happy coincidence really. Thank goodness

The OP's neighbours need to sort something out formally - precarious arrangements are no good to anyone. In the OP's shoes I absolutely would offer to take the neighbours' child to school if I liked them and the children got on, and on the understanding that the child was ready to go when we were or left with me at a reasonable time.

I don't think the OP likes the neighbours though, which is fair enough.

"But FFs we're talking an hour or so before school in the mornings!"

Except it wouldnt be just an hour,although why anyone would want OPC in their house before school is beyond me anyway,it would be all the faff of bookbags,lunches,pe kits etc. It would probably turn into pick ups as well.
Not to mention what happens in the holidays -I think we can all guess what the answer to that would be or if the child gets to school, vomits and then she is stuck minding the child until the parents come back or all day most likely
If the Op has a reception child often they can take some settling in,so I really wouldnt want the worry of someone elses reception child to settle as well.
I have done favours for friends and they for me but would say no to this.YANBU

The first word you say is no. There is no need to say sorry for this. Keep the no word with everything you say. You just tell the truth in that you don't want the extra responsibility as it's hard enough with your two.

lonelybunny seriously you need to stop doing what you're doing especially as this pisstaker isn't willing to help you and had the gall to tell you to your face.

You had to take this boy shopping and to parents evening !

If you don't knock it on the head you'll bw taking this kid on holiday and family weddings!

Just tell her you won't be able to help from next Monday as you're going through a 'bad patch' the same as she said to you. Stop feeling guilty. Her childcare is not your responsibility.

L

Just re-read your OP. Like your neighbour I WOTH 3 days a week. We have loads of reciprocal arrangments with other families (5). However the logistics are a massive unknown as 2 out of the 3 children aren't even at school yet. I think it's very normal to feel you want to be their and give your reception aged dc one on one time.

IME older dcs don't realy mind who drops them/picks them up. So I suppose what I am saying is YANBU but don't burn your bridges things do change. FWIW the arrangements started about halfway through year 1. I kept a nanny to do the school runs for Ds' s reception year when I couldn't be there.