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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
LittleMissLucy · 27/05/2013 21:25

You can make the "no" firm but not too heavy handed if its done face to face. I think if you put it in an email or text to your next door neighbour then it might be a bit too heavy handed, iyswim?

I do understand, as I prefer to hide behind the written words over actual face to face dealings, but sometimes you need to make an exception.

Good luck with this. We had similar with the kid next door wanting to walk to school en masse with us every day.

changeforthebetter · 27/05/2013 21:25

Pigs??? why did you have to take one of the teachers to school. Was it a very young teacher, one with school-refusal?Wink

Cherriesarelovely · 27/05/2013 21:25

There was a really similar thread like this last year. Pushy neighbours assuming Op would take Dc since they were taking theirs. It went on for ages and the Op had to be really firm.

I would possibly agree to the odd day but not all the time. I think it is very unreasonable to expect someone else to do this on a permanent basis unless they are a childminder and offer or you offer yourself.

LittleMissLucy · 27/05/2013 21:26

I would offer, if the parents are sick and stuck in bed.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/05/2013 21:27

OP, I'd get in there first like Hec says.

'Yeah, that is tough, eh? I have enough to do with my two. I would offer to take Zelda too, but I'm afraid I just couldn't manage three. Have you looked into breakfast club?'

That is perfectly friendly, polite, and normal. Then they can't even ask without being hugely rude. And if they do......

'Sorry, but like I said earlier, I did consider offering but just can't manage it.'

claraschu · 27/05/2013 21:28

I really don't think there is anything wrong with her asking you. Some people would be happy to do this; you are not.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to make a commitment, and I certainly don't think you should feel pressured into doing anything you don't want. I also see how convenient it would be for her to just send the kids with the neighbours, rather than hiring expensive, possibly inconvenient child care just to cover a gap of 20 minutes or so.

In our village people do regularly give lifts to extra kids, and it is awfully nice to know that everyone is happy to help, and no one is counting who has given the most lifts.

LittleMissLucy · 27/05/2013 21:28

Agree with Revolting Peasant

Wishihadabs · 27/05/2013 21:32

So you would be dealing with 2 reception aged dcs ? I think you should go down the how difficult the first few weeks of school are and how much support they need (true).

DeafLeopard · 27/05/2013 21:32

No do not get into it or you will be stuck forever more and end up really resenting it.,

NynaevesSister · 27/05/2013 21:34

Don't do it if you don't want to. I wouldn't mind at all doing it. Unfortunately son has a problem that makes our mornings stressful. I don't think I could deal with that and having to collect another child at a set time.

I would be honest with them. If they ask just say you know that many people would be fine doing that. But you have been thinking about it since it was first mentioned and you know you couldn't do this three times a week. You'll be there for them of course on the occasional day - say a childminder was sick or breakfast club closes for a day. And no doubt they'd do the same. But three days a wek is more than you can cope with and you wanted to be honest with them and upfront so they know where you stand.

If the husband keeps pushing you then just bluntly ask him if he really wants to push someone who has already said she thinks it is too much into being responsible for his children?

notnagging · 27/05/2013 21:38

I hope your not stuck with not being able to do the school run one day op. My neighbour takes ds to school, I pick them up. If one of us doesn't want to do it a particular day we just say. I also take my other neighbours son to music class with mine & another used to take my son to his swimming class. Why wouldn't you? Its good for the environment & all the kids play out alot.But then again we live on a lovely road & wouldn't hesitate to help each other outSmile

quoteunquote · 27/05/2013 21:40

Does the school have a breakfast club?

Most 9 to 5 working parents at our school, use the breakfast club.

Sonnet · 27/05/2013 21:41

Just say no then.

I do a reciprocal arrangement that works really well for me but each to their own.

SurpriseMuffins · 27/05/2013 21:43

My answer, if they ask, would be "So sorry but no, I wouldn't cope with an extra child to keep an eye on every day". Don't leave any openings which suggest you might change your mind in the future or the whole scenario will happen again.

With any luck your neighbour will be a MNer, will be mildly offended by this thread and will never mention it again!

Original poster
averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 21:44

But notnagging as I've said before I think a regular 3 days a week commitment crosses the line between just helping out and being taken advantage of. I've helped people out plenty of times and I have people that I can call on to help me out in a crisis but this isn't a crisis! my neighbours could use the breakfast club or one of the very nice local childminders but tbh I think they just don't want to pay the fees and I don't really want to provide free childcare!

Am feeling a bit stronger about it all now though and preparing to say no!

OP posts:
Sonnet · 27/05/2013 21:44

What is this with working parents and SAH parents?
Personally I have found it is the SAH parents who ask me to take their kids as ' I am going out anyway'

Original poster
averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 21:44

Also I think that taking a DC to school 3 days a week for the rest of my DCs school years is a high price to pay for the odd favour back!

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 27/05/2013 21:45

The only problem with being happy to do occasional runs in emergencies is that with some people, "emergencies" have a habit of creeping into "all the time" as they take advantage of you being willing.

You do have to be really firm to avoid being taken advantage of.

VeganCow · 27/05/2013 21:49

Do you have elderly parents/relative nearby, you could say you cant look after their kid because some mornings you call in to see said relative and would not be able to take other kids as well?

Jan49 · 27/05/2013 21:55

The fact that they are pushy and likely to make you feel you are being unreasonable is a reason for saying no IMO.

Just say "Sorry, no I won't be able to do that" and then change the subject or be in a hurry to get somewhere so they can't continue the conversation if you can.

FoodieToo · 27/05/2013 21:57

Yes very nicely say that you really do not want to take on the responsibility.

I definitely would not offer to do it in an emergency . As someone said these things tend to become more frequent.

Just stand your ground. You will resent the situation if you don't .

Shallistopnow · 27/05/2013 21:59

Do you drive to school OP? And why don't you tell them you'll do it for £5-10 a day? hehe :-D

Viviennemary · 27/05/2013 22:03

You have my sympathy. I know the type of people you mean. People who will always make you feel the selfish one even when it's them. They should pay for a childminder like everyone else. If it was me I'd say I was looking for a job and going on interviews. I know it's cowardly but it's what I would do. Of course you should be able to just say no but it's difficult.

Samnella · 27/05/2013 22:05

I had a similar situation when I was a SAHM and ended up having a neighbours child after school twice a week, feeding her and taking her to and from an activity for a whole year. Not once was the favour reciprocated and once I had grown a pair and told the woman it wasn't working for me she didn't even so much as say thank you. If you don't want to do it then don't. It's a huge imposition if its not what you want.Also what happens during holidays? Will they start asking you to help then as well. I learnt to get tough towards the end of my time being a SAHM.

I had a friend who works irregularly and wanted me to look after her extremely intensive, wingey 3 year old whilst my DD was at nursery and my son was asleep. I said no that's my only time to get anything done. She then said "she only needs a little attention. Maybe do some cooking with her or something". No I don't want to cook when I could be musmnetting Grin

OTOH I now work and have a reciprocal arrangement with a friend and it works brilliantly. The reason it works is the arrangement is equal. We both work and need each other. If one is not working I think it makes the whole thing unbalance and less likely to work.

pumpkinsweetie · 27/05/2013 22:05

If you don't want to do it, don't, their child isn't your responsibility and tbh if you do it once or twice they'll expect it again and again until it becomes a burden, especially in the scenario of your dc being off sick for example & still being obliged to drop her child off. You will end up falling out over it, which is best you don't start something you cannot continue with on a regular basis.