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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
HibiscusIsland · 27/05/2013 22:05

I think there's a difference between a reciprocal arrangement where you take it in turns to do drop offs, or help each other out in an emergency and someone expecting free childcare for three days a week. If you wanted to offer that you could advertise and get paid for it. Stand your ground OP.

ssd · 27/05/2013 22:07

I have a neighbour like this, told me she couldnt afford a childminder then told me her and her dh are going away for a luxury 3 nights in a hotel

yeah right!

I said no, sorry, didnt fit in with my plans

stick up for yourself op, people are desperate to walk all over you if you let them

ravenAK · 27/05/2013 22:10

I find treating suggestions like this as hugely amusing, whilst making it none-too-subtly clear that you consider them a pair of outrageous chancers, usually sees it off.

'Ha ha, THREE kids on the school run? I'm barely awake enough to shout at my two, thanks. Nice try though, mate!'

tiggytape · 27/05/2013 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lozzie12 · 27/05/2013 22:15

I think seesensepeople's idea of getting the list of childminders is great. It will also be difficult for you if one or both of your children are ill and off school. I think if it's an ongoing problem for them they need a proper solution, i.e. childminder / breakfast club.

PoppyWearer · 27/05/2013 22:15

Ooh, good thread! I have someone in my life who has started dropping hints about this type of arrangement and have got some great ideas on here about what to say and how to handle it.

Might try the pre-emptive strike...

EglantinePrice · 27/05/2013 22:17

I second ravens suggestion.

Laughing loudly and saying "Me?! I can barely cope with two, no thanks!"

Followed by "I heard is very reliable and only costs £x a morning"

Like you OP I do the odd swap/favour with other people and wouldn't hesitate to help someone who was stuck. But I wouldn't want a regular commitment.

They're cheeky. If they had a fair arrangement in mind they would have approached you and suggested they do the days they don't work or offered you petrol money or whatever. Somehow I don't think that's what they've got in mind...

ssd · 27/05/2013 22:18

what gets me is that people who ask for this dont realise you arent working as a childminder cos you dont want to be one...especially an unpaid one!

BabyMakesTheBoobiesGoLeaky · 27/05/2013 22:19

It won't be long until you're dropping and collecting their dc unless you say no. You don't need a reason or excuse,just a simple No that's not convenient for me overrides any persuasion they might have prepared.

CruCru · 27/05/2013 22:25

I love threads like these. Yes, definitely treat the whole thing as a joke and give them the number of a childminder.

VikingLady · 27/05/2013 22:35

"Yes - I'll be charging £10 per hour. I'll have to register as a childminder though, as it is a regular occurrence, so that would be a start up of £400 for the mandatory training - you know, safeguarding, first aid, the nvq - and the fees for Ofsted, liability insurance......"

Grin
Monty27 · 27/05/2013 22:43

You want to enjoy that time of day with your own children. Just say NO.

farewellfarewell · 27/05/2013 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

farewellfarewell · 27/05/2013 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rabbitlady · 27/05/2013 22:50

do say 'no'. as people have said, the neighbours will use you as an unpaid childminder, if you don't nip this in the bud.

GW297 · 27/05/2013 22:52

Say no from the outset. If you start it then it will be much harder to back out.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 27/05/2013 22:55

Strange how the working parents seeking this sort of arrangement never offer to pay the other person some of their salary, in spite of the fact that they are now effectively subsidising the working person in earning that salary by working themselves for free... (and I say that as a WOHP myself who would never dream of asking this)

HibiscusIsland · 27/05/2013 22:59

Love Raven's suggestion. Grin

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 27/05/2013 23:01

Oh, and if you feel yourself crumbling in a face-to-face convo, never say yes, always fall back on 'I'll have to think it over', then you can prepare your line of refusal for the next time.

pigsDOfly · 27/05/2013 23:10

The whole thing with taking the teacher to school Changefor came about because he was on an indefinite placement from abroad and didn't have a car. Somehow he always managed to find some idiot to ferry him back and forth, I was the second person to be imposed on in this way.

In the whole two years he never once offered to pay towards petrol or even bought me a box of cheap chocolates to say thank you.

I wish he had had a school refusal problem.

zipzap · 27/05/2013 23:21

Also for the first week/term/year/ever, remember that you can say that as it will all be new for your DD that you want to take just her and ds in by themselves, that it will all be new for your dd and you want to be able to concentrate 100% on her when you drop her off, as you did for her brother.

Plus there's quite a transition from reception to year one, more so than for year 1 to year 2 I think, so you also want to be able to support ds too.

Agree that a pre-emptive strike of 'don't look at me, I'm already worrying about what it's going to be like taking 2 into school' when it next crops up in conversation is a good way to go.

There are several great threads on MN where SAHM have found themselves being cornered into taking kids or picking up kids by people like this (I don't mean the friendly, reciprocal, happy arrangements but the ones where they found themselves put on the spot and every argument they came up with to not take them got overcome by the pushy other parent(s) and they ended up taking/picking up the kids). Not one of them ended up with it being a good thing. In at least one, the other parent was dropping the child off earlier and earlier, despite being told not to. All of them eventually found strength and support through MN to say no and stop doing it - at which point the other parents, instead of being incredibly grateful for the help they had received (and usually not returned) were incredibly entitled, were rude about the fact they were stopping, provided no thanks, and usually moved on to some other poor person to victimise.

Don't do it - practise lots in advance in your head. Think of all the possible things they could say to you and make sure you are able to just say no to everything to start with.

Oh and let us know when they finally do ask and what you say!!!

DiscoDonkey · 27/05/2013 23:36

I used to collect my neighbours children from school, initially it wasn't a problem but it did become restrictive after a while. The thing was because it wasn't a one off helping out here and there situation I used to feel stressed and guilty if I had to let her down, eg if the ds's were ill , but at the same wasn't prepared to take poorly kids out to pick hers up.

I'm always happy to help others out but committing to a regular thing is a ball ache.

goodasgold · 27/05/2013 23:51

Or brilliant, 'that will be £200 per hour per child' should see them off. Or make you very rich.

Jinsei · 28/05/2013 00:42

You don't have to do it OP. Just tell them it wouldn't work for you.

I'm glad you lot aren't my neighbours, though. I am fortunate that I can do my own school drop-offs and that DH and I can manage the pick-ups between us too, so I would only need to ask for help in an emergency. We also have my parents nearby and ready to help if needed. Not everyone has that support network, nor the flexibility that DH and I have in our jobs. I am happy to help out friends and neighbours when needed.

I have my neighbour's kids before school a couple of times a week, it's no big deal. I am going to school anyway, so it isn't out if my way. I don't think anyone should feel obliged to do this, but I also don't really understand why people get so outraged about being asked. It doesn't have to be reciprocal to work well - some of us are happy just to do a favour for a friend.

It's quite common around here for WOHMs and SAHMs to help each other out, and nobody seems to resent it. Maybe the OP's neighbour is used to living in a different sort of community.

LibraryMum8 · 28/05/2013 00:50

I almost got sucked in like this several times and I just said over and over it wouldn't fit with our schedule.

I also have a neighbor here that works during the summer and I'm sure would love to pay me to babysit. The girls are darling but there are 3 of them!! And like you I want to be able to do what I want at a drop of the hat. I ignored the hints.