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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
Bexicles · 28/05/2013 08:22

If it's only 3 mornings I'd do it, no biggie and helping someone out. I know how hard it is doing the school run and getting to work for nine.

Pollydon · 28/05/2013 08:26

I did this for another mum on the same road, started off because she was sick ( later worked out it was a hangover), soon she was calling me over every morning.
I bit the bullet & told her no , had an excuse ready-made
Next day another mum was taking her !
Just tell her no.

ratbagcatbag · 28/05/2013 08:32

This thread has reminded me I need some flowers for my neighbour, she's been dropping my DSS at school anything between once per week or five times and picking up four. However she's the mostlaidback person ever and my DSS is secondary school age,so the rule is,if he's there he gets a lift, I used to text for extras or missing, but now it's simply, he wants a lift he's ready at their door at specific time or she assumes he's at his mums. I do check with her periodically she's happy, but she's very much, they're dropping their son off so it's no problems.

I do buy flowers, choc and wine at various parts throughout the year and take their son on fab days out such as go karting, go ape etc and when she offers to pay for him we always decline as we see it as then balancing out. For the past four years her son has also come on holiday with us and when she's offered money we've always declined it.

That said we used proper paid childcare until he went to secondary school.

Bonsoir · 28/05/2013 08:42

SAHPs should not be expected to provide free services to WOHPs.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 28/05/2013 08:44

Ratbag, that sounds very reciprocal.

GiveMumABreak · 28/05/2013 08:58

I got into a similar situation with my neighbours, I had theirs they had mine - it was mutually beneficial for a while - and then it became a nightmare, messed up my routine, I felt pressure and stressed with extra little people around, kids weren't getting on we'll together anymore, neighbours children ended up needing feeding - it just became a nightmare! I wish I had never entered into this arrangement it was really awkward putting an end to it! Basically my advice is to say NO now, before it starts. Good luck! (I like what CMOT said 'No is a complete sentence!')

rubyflipper · 28/05/2013 08:58

I had this kind of pressure from a childminder. Because she cared for my DS (which I paid for) and her DS was the same age, she would drop heavy hints that I should look after her son for an evening a week while she and her DH went to sports training.
I ignored any hints because I didn't want to look after her son as he went to bed late and would have kept my son up, I worked on some evenings and the last thing I wanted to do on an evening off was childminding and I didn't want to have anything more than a friendly working relationship.

Be strong and say no from the outset.

recall · 28/05/2013 09:20

How about?.."No, it is too much of a commitment." it would be hard to ask again after that?good luck OP, I too hate situations like this where I have to be assertive and slightly confrontational. I have one with my SIL who constantly wants to sleep over with her pfb DD

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2013 09:26

I don't understand why some people think the op ia being a bad friend/neighbour. 3 days a week is a lot to ask. Fine if it's an emergency, the op has said she doesn't mind that. People make their own choices to either work or stay at home. Why should a stay at home parent have to justify why she doesn't want to do this.

^^This.
Three days a week, every week, for who knows how many years is a very cheeky ask.

And I bet they'd be very busy when asked to return the favour/babysit occasionally.

And it doesn't even sound like they're particular friends of the OP either.

Very cheeky imo.

sagfold · 28/05/2013 09:30

I work outside the home, shift work. Arranging childcare can be very difficult and you want someone you can trust and feel comfortable with (we have no family in the country). I have often felt in a state of panic re childcare arrangements. In this situation I might well ask (beg) a neighbour I like and trusted who was going to the school anyway if they were able to help out but I would insist on paying them.

Is it possible your neighbours are really panicking, think you are nice and trustworthy and are going to offer to pay you thinking this might work for you and give you a bit of extra cash. Unless they ask they don't know how you would feel about it and this might have been a great outcome all round. Communication is all that is required. Would you feel differently about them asking if they were offerering to pay even though you would still say 'no'?

Am interested in you reponse as it might stop me asking someone in future if it would clearly be a no-no!

OTTMummA · 28/05/2013 09:32

I don't know why it is so laughable that some people find it hard enough to cope with 2 children Hmm
Some people know their limit and very sensibly do not try to take on more than they can deal with.

I would love to have a houseful of children but I am sticking with 2 because my physical and MH would really suffer and intern my children's lives if we had any more.

If you don't want to do it, just tell them you do not want to.

MadeOfStarDust · 28/05/2013 09:32

We do 3 days, a friend does 2 and we get along just fine - would seem daft to us to walk past each other's houses and not just add on another one or 2 .. but we are friends not just neighbours....

If you don't want to do it - just say no.

pictish · 28/05/2013 09:42

I'd simply say 'It's too much of a commitment...I need to be able to run to my own schedule, and not be obliged to anyone else...so I'm the wrong person ask'

No way would I be agreeing to this.

pictish · 28/05/2013 09:46

wrong person to ask....

DontmindifIdo · 28/05/2013 09:46

I do think the idea that you should be able to cope with more because some mothers have 5/6/7 DCs misses the point that only people who feel they can cope with large numbers of DCs have large numbers of DCs. Same as childminders, I know I couldn't be a childminder, so I'm not one.

I do think the SAHP feels more 'put on' because they have sacrificed their own income to have the time with their DCs, whereas WOHP is already juggling (and more likely to need to call back in the favour regularly, the OP can take her DCs everyday, it's not like she needs to say "ok, I'll take yours monday tuesday, you take mine Wednesday Thursday" - she's taken the decision she wants to take her DCs to school every day and isn't looking ofr some sort of deal).

Other things to think about OP, what if your DCs were sick, would you still feel you had to take the neighbours DCs so parcel up ill DCs to take with you?

I would go with the laughing and "well gosh I hope you're not looking at me, I'm panicking enough about having to get all mine out and there on time, I think I might completely lose it if I have to have another one to juggle!" then offer details of childminders (in fact, as you are already goingto the school gate and she isn't, do you know any childminders you could kindly give her the details of?)

pictish · 28/05/2013 09:47

No matter if you should be able to cope with more or not....you don't want to, so that's it. End of discussion.

AngsanaTree · 28/05/2013 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/05/2013 10:04

I like to think I'm a nice person, but I could not take on the commitment of school runs for another persons child(ren) alongside mine either.

What if OP falls ill, or can't handle the neighbours kids, I can tell my children off but I'm not asstrict with other peoples kids, I dont feel I can be.

And honestly being expected to do the morning run for the foreseeable future for someone elses children without any spoken reciprocal agreement, no I just wouldnt. Sometimes I get my gilrs to school by the skin of our teeth, sometimes we're so early we go via the park, I also enjoy the morning banter with my children.

I'd be happy to help out on the odd emergency, but I would not agree to a permanent arrangement either. It's a huge ask of someone.

magichamster · 28/05/2013 10:09

No yanbu

I love taking my dc to school, it gives us an opportunity to have a real chat about anything without any distractions. I would hate to have other children with us just for that reason.

Looking after your 2 children and 1 other is very different to looking after 3 (or 4 or 5) of your own. The other child may be a runner, or not get on with your dc or have had a totally different parenting style.

Obviously I help out if someone needs it, but I wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis. There's loads of good ideas on here about how to say no from the jokey to the broken record of sorry that wouldn't work for me.

Good luck!

pictish · 28/05/2013 10:14

I agree fuzzy it is a huge ask.

Every time one of OP's kids are ill, or have an appointment, or for any reason the routine must be deviated from, there follows a series of phonecalls and making attangements and blah de blah...

Fuck that. If I wanted the daily responsibility of seeing two more kids to school in the morning, I'd have had two more kids. As it is I don't, and I didn't.

weisswusrt · 28/05/2013 10:25

When you do end up being asked (which I'm sure you will!) try to think about all the peaceful, relaxed school runs you can enjoy alone with your dc's when you refuse. Also, the walk to and from school is a good time to talk things over with kids....'how is school going' etc. Are they going to open up if the neighbours kid is there?
I am also shocked at some attitudes that not being arsed is not a good enough reason to say no! Yes, it might be physically possible and maybe even 'not too much hassle'....but she doesn't want to!

IAmOptimusPrime · 28/05/2013 10:30

I am a single mum, work 3 days a week, have 3 neighbours who have kids at the same school and 2 other friends on the way to school yet I wouldn't ask them to take my children to school just because they go the same way. I pay for a breakfast club. Nor would I want the commitment of someone elses children.

What if they don't get on? what if they don't listen when you cross the road? It is a big commitment and responsibility.

But I will always help out in an emergency or from time to time if needed but that is totally different.

Jinsei · 28/05/2013 10:32

I am also shocked at some attitudes that not being arsed is not a good enough reason to say no! Yes, it might be physically possible and maybe even 'not too much hassle'....but she doesn't want to!

Not being arsed is a perfectly good enough reason to say no, if that's how you choose to live. The OP doesn't have to justify herself at all. At the end of the day, I guess it's about values and priorities.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 28/05/2013 10:33

It's not as if this should come as a huge shock to them. Any parent of a child starting school in September ought to know this is coming and be working out ways to deal with it. Those ways might involve flexible working hours, paying for help, or getting support from a trusted relative e.g. grandparent who is able and willing to commit to doing it, but there is no obligation on the OP's part to solve this problem for them.

And there is a cost involved - the OP has sacrificed the benefits of paid employment to spend time with her kids instead, so why should she also sacrifice that time focusing on her kids with none of the compensations that the working-for-pay parent gets? Again, I'm a WOHP myself so I'm not bashing working parents - it is a challenge but we all have to work out a way of dealing with it, not assume that others who have made different life choices will pick up the slack to their own detriment.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/05/2013 10:33

I think the best thing to say is that you want the one to one time with your own dc on the way to and from school. There is very little arguing with that.

Remind yourself, if you are feeling pressured by the hints, that you are a sahp for the benefit of your own dc and that has come with financial and career sacrifices. Why should someone else get the advantages of that sacrifice and cost you the one to one time that led to you being a sahp in the first place?

I think it's fine to help out in an emergency, or if they are paying you and you want the arrangement as much as the other parents do. If they want regular unpaid childcare from you then they are taking advantage of your financial sacrifices.

I am very good at saying no and I will come and do it for you if you like Wink