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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 28/05/2013 01:02

If you don't want to, just say no. It probably wouldn't be long until they started asking you to pick up their DD and mind her 'just for a couple of hours' until they get home too. That said, keep in mind that if you do refuse them flatly, you can fairly expect that they wouldn't help you out either in future. I wouldn't mind the dropping and picking up so much myself...

IKnowWhat · 28/05/2013 01:03

You have a choice. You can say yes or you can say no. It really is that simple. I, personally, would not give any excuse, I would simply say 'no, I don't want to'. I wouldn't apologise either. I would repeat the same phrase every time I was asked.

Don't enter into any sort of 'disussion' or talk at all.

Good luck, be strong Grin

bellabelly · 28/05/2013 01:17

I have 4 kids - 2 are in Y1, 2 are at nursery. I imagine that it'd be much easier to only have one or two kids to deal with on the school run BUT it's do-able (for now) with all 4. I am very lucky in that when one of my school-age kids has been poorly, local friends/neighbours have been happy to do school run for the non-poorly one. They have never recalled the favour but if theh ever needed help, I'd jump through hoops to help them out. Just saying that you migh be glad of some help yourself one day - you sound a teensy bit precious to be honest..

VenusUprising · 28/05/2013 01:34

Just say "oh, what you need is a childminder?"
Or "let me think about your problem, I'm sure I have the number of a childminder somewhere for you".

Manipulative people and those who have a sense of entitlement really are very unpleasant.

I don't think your being precious to want to parent your own kids, and not to parent someone else's.

skyeskyeskye · 28/05/2013 01:39

I have my neighbours kids two mornings a week from 8.15am. She just chucks them in the door and heads off to work. It can create a bit if trouble as DD doesn't want to get dressed she wants to play but that's my fault for not getting up early enough to get her dressed before they come round.
In return she takes my DD to school once a week and collects her from school and takes her to Rainbows so that I can work a bit longer that day.

It suits us both , that's why we do it. But if it doesn't suit you then don't do it.

xylem8 · 28/05/2013 02:28

as a mum oe 5 it makes oe chuckle a bit when people say they couldn t cope with 3. But just say no you don t want to take on any commitments

Mutley77 · 28/05/2013 06:06

Just say no - I can see why people think it wouldn't be a problem and it probably wouldn't, but then again you don't want to do it and I can totally see why. I used to take my neighbours kids to school on occasion when there was a particular reason (and vice versa) but I wouldn't want that arrangement on a regular basis as it just limits flexibility. They are cheeky to ask IMO.

Jaynebxl · 28/05/2013 06:16

What time would she be leaving for work? I think there's quite a difference between having an extra child for ten min then walking them to school, and having them from say half past 7 and then walking them to school. However in your shoes, provided it wasn't the latter, I'd probably wait til asked and then say I could do one of the days in exchange for the odd babysitting service in an evening, and suggest breakfast club for the rest.

Oscalito · 28/05/2013 06:18

Would go with the 'let me have a think about it'.

That will give you the advantage of time to compose a nice response if they do put you on the spot and stop them pushing too hard for an answer straight away.

'I'll have a think' is also easier than 'no' if you're someone who has trouble saying that if caught off guard (I know the feeling).

Then when you see them you'll have an answer all ready and be able to spring it on them, giving you the upper hand.

And then just say something vague like, I had a think about it and I don't think it'll work.

Oscalito · 28/05/2013 06:20

And ignore those who say you're being precious. I would not want the commitment of taking another child to school - too limiting and chances are with the kind of person that would ask you'd never see the favour returned.

Sokmonsta · 28/05/2013 06:22

Would you do it if they paid you? The suggestion might be enough to put them off if they are looking for free child care on a regular basis (which is damned cheeky). Ie dad says 'oh we're struggling to work out getting dc to school'. You reply with 'I'm looking at doing some part time work, I could take them in the morning for x amount, but they would have to have had breakfast and with me by x time'.

racmun · 28/05/2013 06:54

It's a bloody cheek. My mum was a SAHM and warned me of some people always expecting favours and like a previous poster with no offer of payment despite the fact that you are facilitating them going to work and earning.

Definitely think you need to have something to say when they bring it up again and I think suggesting a childminder is your best option or say something along the lines of 'yes you'll have to get work to agree to reduced/flexible hours so you can fit in school pick ups' just be a bit thick skinned as if you don't realise what they are hinting at.

Just saying no is really hard and you'll probably end up justifying yourself and shooting yourself in the foot.

Donnadoon · 28/05/2013 07:05

YA Definately NBU I did this for a neighbour... It was a nightmare, The child was never ready on time and bickered with mine all the way there.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 28/05/2013 07:25

Bella, the OP has already said she'll help in an emergency and has others who do so for her.

DH and I tend to try and make these regular arrangements with WOHP friends so that we can't be seen as taking advantage because there's reciprocation, then we ask SAHP friends in case of emergency.

Corygal · 28/05/2013 07:32

Flippin cheek. No.

Khaleese · 28/05/2013 07:33

Someone asked the same of me, i did the "oh my god no, i can hardly cope now" followed with smiles and laughter.

I have helped once or twice but i just want to focus on my own, the less stress the better!

It's cheeky to hint like that, fair enough if they asked properly, "we were thinking of getting a childminder but thought we would ask you. Would you like to take xxx to school we could pay you. "
This is not like that though, they are just thinking well your going anyway it's no extra hassle.

Not working gives you flexibility, don't loose that.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 28/05/2013 07:35

Say "well, we're often very late due to (something) but if you don't mind your DD being dropped off at (15 minutes after school starts), then I might be able to help.

Jinsei · 28/05/2013 07:56

DH and I tend to try and make these regular arrangements with WOHP friends so that we can't be seen as taking advantage because there's reciprocation, then we ask SAHP friends in case of emergency.

Tbh, even if it isn't reciprocal, I think WOHMs are less likely to see it as taking advantage and more likely to see it as helping out a friend. Yes, I know that my neighbour could pay for a childminder to have her kids for a hour before school in the mornings, but I'm happy to help her save the money because I can!

And no, there is nothing precious about not wanting to parent other people's children but FFS! We're talking about an hour or so before school in the mornings! Fine if the OP doesn't want to help, but I do this regularly for my neighbour, and believe me, there is no parenting involved!

Oscalito · 28/05/2013 08:06

Yes but these aren't friends, are they, they're neighbours, and slightly pushy ones at that. I would help out a friend (especially if there was no parenting involved, because the kids knew each other and got along) but this isn't a friendship.

Oscalito · 28/05/2013 08:07

And your comment about WOHM's seeing it differently that SAHM's is perhaps a slight generalisation....

Jinsei · 28/05/2013 08:07

Fair enough. My neighbours are my friends.

Purple2012 · 28/05/2013 08:09

I don't understand why some people think the op ia being a bad friend/neighbour. 3 days a week is a lot to ask. Fine if it's an emergency, the op has said she doesn't mind that.

People make their own choices to either work or stay at home. Why should a stay at home parent have to justify why she doesn't want to do this.

Jinsei · 28/05/2013 08:10

Yes, of course it's a generalisation, but from what I've observed on MN, I happen to think it's a fair one. Obviously, as with any generalisation, there will be exceptions to the rule on either side.

MortifiedAdams · 28/05/2013 08:16

Firstly, ignore the hints. Only worry.about this once they actually ask you! If they are hinting along the lines of "Haha, maybe you could tale them,haha" then id reply with "haha you couldnt afford my rates, haha" or some such retort said in half jest.

Only respond seriously once they actually ask you. A simple "Im sorry I wouldnt be able to commit to that. Maybe ask at the school if they know any local childminders".

hackmum · 28/05/2013 08:18

OP, I know how you feel because I'm a complete wimp about things like this too.

And taking another child is a pain. I used to give another child a lift to school (I offered - they didn't ask me) and the problem wasn't the child, who was always on time, it was my DD, who used to drag her heels in the morning and I'd end up screaming at her that the other child would be waiting. It adds to the stress.

A bit of me does think, well, we all ought to offer to help each other out, and if you did this for her, maybe she'd do something for you and everyone would be happy. But I can't help thinking in reality it would just be aggro for you.