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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/06/2013 16:55

Well done stepaway claim your helper of the yr medal.

stepawayfromthescreen · 08/06/2013 17:46

thanks pinky, I felt my list was needed to redress the balance! I never knew helping others was such a cause for controversy/inconvenience :)

stepawayfromthescreen · 08/06/2013 17:52

my list?
I meant post.
Just in case anyone thought I was a mummy martyr, I'm not.
My neighbour knows, because I've told her, that I will do the school run as long as I'm around, the kids are at school and I don't have anywhere to be. (this has happened twice in the past year)
I guess I'm lucky cos I know that I can ask for help from others and I know I'll get it. If I can help, I will. It takes a village. I saw someone in need and offered because she lives over the road. Extra space in the car. No big deal.

stepawayfromthescreen · 08/06/2013 18:02

by 'twice in the last year' I mean 2 occasions I haven't been able to take her child to school.
I'm genuinely, in a totally curious and non sarcastic way, keen to know why helping the neighbour out by running their child to school, is such a massive no no?

trackies · 08/06/2013 18:08

YANBU. Just say that with 3 DC's, the school run is tricky as it is.

pinkyredrose · 08/06/2013 18:24

stepaway the OP has explained her reasons v clearly if you'd like to rtft.

pinkyredrose · 08/06/2013 18:26

Ps. she doesn't need a reason anyway. If she doesn't want to do it then that's it.

trackies · 08/06/2013 18:32

averywoomummy i dont blame you. I have only one DC at school. Other one starting when she is in year 2. I wouldn't want to do it. I don't even want to do it now when i only have one child at school. I find the whole getting them both ready and out door int eh morning and stopping either of them from running off is very stressful. Then add someone elses child to it and arrrrgggghhh

CatsAndTheirPizza · 09/06/2013 01:39

step away different people have different limitations at different times. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to do it.

This whole competitive 'well I can manage to work full time/knit my own car/cope with xyz', can be really destructive for some people and really makes my teeth itch

Oscalito · 09/06/2013 01:47

also stepaway the neighbours are pushy and manipulative and she doesn't want to deal with them (this comes across clearly in the OP).

Mimishimi · 09/06/2013 03:17

This is a pretty old thread but I too am interested to know whether your neighbour finally asked you OP?

my2centsis · 09/06/2013 05:49

Haven't read whole thread. If you don't want to do it say no. It's not like they can make you do it.

I wouldn't hesitate to take another child who lives right next door to me to school. But I like helping people and don't see that as an inconvenience.

GingerBlondecat · 09/06/2013 07:20

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) You Stepaway.

I think you are wonderful Flowers

However the OP is in a very different sitution
Her neighbour isn't grateful for any help. She is a user

DocBrown · 09/06/2013 08:02

I started a thread similar to this a while ago and I was in a similar situation to the op (although friend now knows that I will not be doing her school run for her) and we had left it that we will help each other out in an emergency.

Until the day of the emergency - I work until 2pm go home have lunch, put washing out etc and then go to collect DC from school. Although this day I did not go home and went to a doc appointment (my own emergency) and collected DS from school without going home only to find out I was also collecting friend's DD as well. I also have a DS at another school a mile away and it was DCs after school activity night. When I did get home friend had left three snotty answerphone messages asking where I was/why was I not picking up phone she needed me to pick up her DD as she was feeling poorly herself. The last message was to say she had rung the school to say I would be picking up her DD! I was absolutely livid and said the arrangement would now change to "only in an emergency IF you speak directly to me".

So yes OP the arrangement does stray and I am glad I had the balls to say no to the regular arrangement (with the help of MNetters).

nettlefairy · 09/06/2013 08:14

I'd have a response ready like - "I'd be more than happy to help in an emergency but I use the walk to school as an important checking in time with my kids - it's the time they open up about what's troubling them at school". This way, you stop being a free next door taxi service and they see that it would actually cost you!

QOD · 09/06/2013 08:22

I take two girls to school every single day ... Luckily they are secondary school age, it's reciprocal too as their mum picks up my dd form the bus in the town and drops her back.

It did drive me crazy for a while though as they'd come in, move the foozeball table and shriek and just be in the way. One day I had an epiphany and asked them to wait in the car ... Perfect.
Seem days it was just so intrusive as I'd perhaps have my trousers in the tumble dryer un creasing or cream drying on my legs, or not put my make up on, or have had a row with dd and not want them in ...

Done properly and fairly it's fine.

Also, I used to pick up another girl 2 nights a week at primary, £5 a time, fab.
Another I had for overnight respite at £25 again, fab.

Another girls mum had a risky pregnancy and I'd drop her home every day, but she would have dd a day a week in the hols

Reciprocal arrangements or paid are great, it's when you start to feel put upon

Stick to your guns op

KatyDid02 · 09/06/2013 08:27

I can see why you want to say no, but it is worth considering doing it because you never know when you might need a favour from them.

sonlypuppyfat · 09/06/2013 08:28

I've always picked up peoples kids to take them to school I've been like the Pied Pipper whats the harm in helping people out?

2cats2many · 09/06/2013 08:30

Me and my neighbour have a reciprocal arrangement nd help each other out, but it is done on the strict and explicit understanding that either of us can say no at any time and that getting your own child to school remains your responsibility- the other person is just doing you a favour, I.e. if it can't be done on any specific day due to illness, etc then its your job to get your own child to school.

It's worked for us for two years and it could benefit you as well.

However, if you don't want to do it, that's fine. You are allowed to say no.

Sleep404 · 09/06/2013 08:33

There is a little boy in my sons class whose mum often asks other parents to watch in the 10mins before the teacher opens the door, because she has to rush off to work. This would normally be an easy task but the boy is a bit of a handful and does not listen when you tell him to stop doing things, like charging after /bumping into the other kids or playing with the outdoor activities the teachers have set up for later in the day.
None of us adults can say no because we would have to say why, but it's obvious no one wants to do it.

formicadinosaur · 09/06/2013 08:40

This is your answer -

I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc. I also like being flexible in the mornings so wouldn't want to commit to a regular thing.

Then just say no firmly both in email and if you chat.

digerd · 09/06/2013 08:58

Bumping into other kids messing with set up outdoor activities.
Someone ought to say something. Don't understand why "obviously no one wants to"? That child's behaviour is unacceptable and a danger to the other children.

nettlefairy · 09/06/2013 09:13

Just say that the walk to school is a chance to "check in" with your children, its when they open up about stuff that's upsetting them - so no but happy to be the emergency back up

nettlefairy · 09/06/2013 09:15

Also like formicadinasaur's answer - you will know which suits!

Sleep404 · 09/06/2013 09:51

Digerd, she is aware of her childs behaviour. He is no different when she's there and she can often be heard telling him off. But she is very defensive of him to us and has told most of us how the teachers do not understand him. I do no agree with her but do not want to add to the view that he is always disruptive as I imagine it must be difficult to think everyone is so negative about your child.

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