AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

quint that's exactly my point, he doesn't appear to want to fund her so it's not a partnership.

I'm not saying you should have to fund yourself entirely, but if you can't agree a strategy with your partner then you shouldn't be surprised when it goes wrong.

You either have to be prepared to pay your own way or reach a compromise with your partner but you can't have the best of both worlds.

Why does she have 'to be prepared for some fallout', bear? She's getting financial support from her family, which we can only assume they are happy to give, and is paying her bills 50/50 even though her income is less than her partners, so his lifestyle is also being supported by her family. So why should she 'be prepared' for 'fallout' from her partner? Aren't women allowed to have any source of support beyond their partner and themselves?
You say that 'either she's in a committed relationship or she's daddy's little girl' which, aside from being patronising, presupposes that women have to 'choose' who to rely on - but lots of young couples take family financial support to help buy a house, support a new family etc. What makes studying for a qualification so different?

And why are you trying to make an issue of the fact that she earns less than her partner, and suggest that she made bad decisions? Yes, the OP has stated that she wants to raise her earning potential, but that doesn't mean her first degree was a mistake. You can't get a postgraduate qualification without an undergraduate degree first.

And even if she did make a mistake - so what? She's a young woman with her whole working lifetime ahead of her - why shouldn't she go back to uni to 'fix' them?

The point I am trying to make, although clearly not very well, is that the OP can't have everything her own way.

I have no problem with further education in later life, I did it myself, but her partner did not agree to support it so he cant be rebuked for not wanting to pay out for ink cartridges because she can't afford them.

The trouble with the choice the OP has made is that she has had to forgo her salary to study, many others take longer to study but carry on working to retain their independence. You can't have it both ways.

Sorry bear, you're still not making any sense to me..

Which 'both ways' is it that I can't have as you say? I dont understand... I cant have independence and a salary? I didn't think I was asking for that.

I wasn't even asking OH to pay outright for ink cartridges, I made clear that I pay for all of them, and every book for my course etc etc. My original issue was whether it was fair that I had to pay for his mistake, given that I cant quite so easily afford to pay for other peoples mistakes at the moment.

You were asking him to pay for the new cartridge, even if only in the short term, as you can't afford to replace it.

I dont understand your second paragraph- You don't currently have a salary so you can't have it and independence or anything else for that matter, so that wasn't what I meant.

You asked for opinions/ advice, I have given mine. Many others have said you seem spoilt, needy, childish etc. you decide what you want to heed and move on.

For what it's worth I wish you luck in your exams as I did mine at your age and it was a bitch but worth it.

Bearbehind, you come across in many of your posts as believing that you are 'above' other people and the Source of All Knowledge. As if your advice is more of value that others'- this is highlighted in the fact that you try and direct my attention to a minority of people who expressed views that you feel match your own. There were also other comments which would disagree with your character assassination of me. And I do value comments, but some more so than others (not due to their content per say, but how the poster conducts themselves perhaps, whether they are balanced, constructive, and do not flame). I think that some things you have said have use, but other times you have just blatantly flamed me e.g. with regards to comments about my salary which was really quite shockingly 'below the belt'.

I take it with a pinch of salt, but have to defend myself when so under attack.

Thank you very much

Wouldn't you be better off asleep, lolly? What with the no sleep last night and all the stress of the ink cartridge, no printing, and oh driving off into the night without a word?!

It must be exhausting to be you.

Chillax.

It's £45.

For that you could have got to uni, printed everything off, and still been back in time for tea and snoozes.

I apologise if you thought my comments about your salary were below the let, they weren't meant to be.

I admire anyone who aspires to excel in whatever direction they chose.

I do think, if you read the thread through though, that my views are not the minority.

They may not be the majority either, but many people feel, from what you have posted, that you are BU.

I'm not sure I've got this right, but are the following statements true?

You are living in a house rather than a flat because you have a cat.

Your DP chose to live in an extremely expensive area of town because that is where he feels safe.

Your parents are paying half the rent on this expensive house, in addition to all your other expenses.

Your DP earns a good salary but has quite a bit of debt.

Your DP believes that you should split all expenses 50/50, despite the fact that you are not earning anything.

It sounds as though both of you have made some financially unwise choices, resulting in a certain amount of insecurity (if buying a printer cartridge causes so much stress). It also seems as though neither one of you is happy with the financial state of affairs, but you've come to a sort of truce without really ironing out the issues.

I would say that one quick solution to the money worries would be to move to an affordable flat in a less expensive area of town as soon as you can. Cats can be perfectly happy in flats, I assure you!

Also, I wonder how long you were financially independent? If you are 28 now and did not work for 4 years due to illness, in addition to not working now, how many years did you support yourself? I think that women are culturally conditioned to accept being financially dependent on others in a way that men are not, and it is ultimately to their detriment.

I've only written about the financial issues here, but it seems as though there are many other things simmering below the surface in your relationship, e.g. communication, solving problems cooperatively, dealing with anger, etc. I hope you'll take this post in the spirit in which it is offered. I really wish you the very best.

I think you are a grown woman and could have easily walked into most office shops & bought one before now.

Is this all still going?

Grow up, OP.

And a golden rule of MBs from the mouth of Joan Baez: 'Take what you need, and leave the rest'

You both need to address how you live beyond your means.

Bearbehind.

She did pay for the cartridge but he ordered the wrong one and she didnt have enough money to buy the right one after paying for the wrong one he ordered.

I know that sock the point I was making is that she needed him to pay for the replacement, even if only in the short term, as she couldn't afford to.

Referring back to something unami misquoted me on up thread, I didn't say OP was 'either in a committed relationship or was daddy's little girl', I said she was 'either an independent woman in a committed relationship or daddy's little girl'. There is a big difference as I wasn't presupposing she should have to rely on anyone. She's a grown woman, my first assumption would be that she could rely on herself to support her.

If the OP is 28 now and has done a 1 year masters, had 4 years off work through sickness and probably only started work at 21/ 22 after uni the first time she hasn't had much work experience and I think upthechimney summed it up by saying she needs to grow up. It's a tough world out there with no guarantee of a job at the end of the masters so an ink cartridge is probably the least of her worries.

That's a bit of a none point really.

She paid for the cartridge that ran out

She paid for the new cartridge to replace the one that ran out.

He ordered the new one using her money.

He cocked up ordering the wrong one.

Why shouldn't he pay for the replacement of the fucked up order that he made after she told him the correct one and he chose to ignore her whilst spending her money.

Do you spend other people's money on things they'd don't want just because you think you know better then refuse to sort it out?

Your now just picking for the sake of it.

The whole point is that, because of her choice to go back to uni, she doesn't have the funds to sort out a really trivial issue like replacing a cartridge, so it becomes a big deal between her and her partner as he didn't agree to support her through uni but she needs him to bail her out in situations like this. The fact that it was his cock up initially is by the by- if she'd ordered it wrong and opened it the same situation would have arisen or if she urgently needed to pay for anything else she wouldn't have had the money to do so.

I'm not picking for the sake of it, but I am bored of it now.

It sounds as if money is becoming more than a bit of an issue and you are both disatisfied with the current situation. You seem to be short of money because you chose to become a student and are relying heavily on your parents and your partner for finances. This is bound to cause friction especially if your partner did not support your choice to become a non-earner.

Seems there are a lot more underlying problems rather than just who pays for a printer cartridge. Doesn't seem like a very give and take relationship to me.

For heavens sake its not bailing out if she already paid for the replacement cartridge she bailed herself out and there was not a problem.

He created a problem by ordering the wrong one despite her telling him what one she needed.

After all, it was his printer, you'd think he would be competent enough to order the right cartridges for his own printer that he bought before they moved in? IT guy and all????

The question is: Did he deliberately order the wrong cartridges just to cause you trouble? Seems to me this guy does nothing but cause you trouble and try put a spanner in the wheels of your studies and career plans. Does he like that you are so dependent on him and your dad?