AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

[lollydollydrop]

OH is currently on loudspeaker to his mum helping her with her computer

[Bearbehind]

I haven't concluded that from the ink cartrudge issue, I have concluded it from the fact you went back to uni even though he didnt want to, from the fact you made him move north even though you said his field of expertise was based in the south, from the fact that you condemned him for disagreeing with you about something that happened in your MRI even though he wasnt allowed in the room.

I'm not trying to be unfair and it seems you know you have a lot of decisions to make regarding this relationship. If I have concluded something from one thread and you are saying there many more examples, then your reationship is in a bad place.

It really shouldn't be that tough, you shouldn't have to argue about who is to blame when ordering a printer cartridge, you put it down to experience and move on.

[notmyproblem]

OP this isn't about a printer cartridge is it? Why are you living with someone who won't treat you as an equal? Move out, be on your own, let this man-child and his ancient ideas of earning and controlling and spending money grow old with him.

You really think things would change if you got married? What if you have kids and are at home with them on maternity leave or a SAHM? He's going to magically step up and pay the bills or more likely he's going to require that you spend your savings on half the mortgage and bills while he maybe throws you £20 the odd time to buy an outfit or takes you out for dinner?

Seriously, why are you putting up with this? You're 28, been with this OH for years, he earns £45k a year and your DAD is supporting you?

No OH of mine would ever put me in that position because if he did I'd be out the door so fast his head would spin.

Get out OP now while you can before you're even more trapped financially and emotionally by this guy.

[lollydollydrop]

Sorry- I should have elaborated, his industry is in the SouthEast and NorthWest. But at the moment, and for last 6 years he has worked from home, for the same man, so he can technically work anywhere. We are hoping to buy a house in the North (3 bed detached versus 2 bed semi- no contest).

He did want me to go back to Uni, have I not explained that? We talked about it incessantly and went to Open days. It was then quiet on that front for a couple of months, so when I next mentioned it, it was probably a surprise hence why he acted that way. He likes to have some sort of element of control over the process, and he has a short term memory which causes his some problems in life(!) so he wasnt really attuned to the idea of Uni at the time. Maybe thats my fault for not preparing for the change sooner, but as it happened it was a bit in the air, for one reason or another (possible promotion at work that didnt happen) so in the end it all happened quite fast (me getting in, and starting).

Re the MRI scan, he want allowed in the room no, but the reason why I disagreed with him or got irrate was because I had already explained to him days previously what happened in the scanner and that headphones were an option- we had even watched a youtube video showing you what to expect which included them!! So he did know, it just came across like he was being contrary. Actually what he did say after is that he 'couldnt see how they could allow headphones in the scanner' despite SEEING this on a video!! He continued to think that he was 'right' in his view and so that is what is frustrating.

There are many more examples of both good and bad bear, hence why it is so difficult (overall) as there are quite extreme goods and bads? But it is confounded by my belief that this may be more than an issue with the relationship, but actually reflects something fundamentally Different in him. I/we have suspected it for a long long time that he may be Aspie, and so I do make a lot of allowance for him (despite how this doesnt come across in this thread).

I think I have said my peace and shall bow out to focus on really what I should have been doing all along (but am a terrible procrastinator!)

Thanks

[WeAppearToBeAlright]

I think the reason that this relationship seems doomed to me, is not whether he's tight or not with money (your expectations seem a little peremptory), but that he barely seems to exist.

You've only said things about him in the context of what you want, what you said, what reaction you wanted, what actions you expected. I have this eerie feeling that he doesn't really exist (and no, that's not troll hunting) except in the ways that he does or does not fulfill what you require of him in the way of financial and emotional support.

Pleas for advice or sympathy on here are normally one-sided, yes, but they normally include some nod towards the other perspective; some indication of another human's wants, needs, unhappiness or excuses. But here, there's just... nothing... from you about him.

[Wuldric]

What an extraordinary thread!

I can only suppose the OP is stressed out of her mind with exams.

The world doesn't owe you a living, OP. You need to be more organised and effective. Your exams are just that - your exams. You owe it to your DP not to be a PITA, particularly as he is supporting you when he might well expect you to be paying your own way by now ...

[lollydollydrop]

An extraordinary thread that you haven't read Wuldric! He is not supporting me- it is 50:50, I am paying my own way by now.

Tired of this now and hiding the thread,
Night all thanks for the advice/help that considered the full (semi-full, at least from what was posted) picture!

[Permanentlyexhausted]

Aspie?????

How offensive!

[lollydollydrop]

It is in no way meant to be offensive, and generally isnt regarded that way to my knowledge anyhow.

This is how urban dictionary (i know, I know) defines the word below. Another lady on here with a husband with Aspergers/tendencies used the term also. No offence intended whatsoever. I see it just as a shortened version to be honest, probably lazy on my part. Not meant to offend people sorry.

1. aspie
   
   An aspie is one who has Asperger's Syndrome, which is believed to be part of the autism spectrum. Aspies, while being quite gifted verbally, have social, emotional, and sensory integration difficulties, among others. Aspie is an affectionate term, and is not meant as a put down

[Bearbehind]

Jeez, I'm so glad you 'make a lot of allowance for him'

Could you be more patronising?

He is a grown man making his way in the world without the help of the bank of Mum and Dad. You on the other hand.........

[Wuldric]

I did read the thread, and I feel sorry for your DP. I have never read anything with such an enormous and unjustified sense of entitlement. Have you no shame?

My advice, FWIW is that you should LTB for not ordering the right cartridge.

At least the poor bugger might have the semblance of a life.

[Wuldric]

By the way, you say your piece not your peace.

HTH

[emstats]

His mistake, he should pay for the next one. Really, why not??

[FannyMcNally]

bearbehind! They are in a relationship! She's not just a stranger who followed him home one day.

[kilmuir]

Think the DP should get out while he can.
OP you sound needy and childish

[Bearbehind]

Yes, a relationship where he ultimately didn't agree to her going back to uni and she did it anyway.

They went to uni together originally yet he earns £45k and she earns £18k so it appears she made the wrong choices the first time round and he is supposed to subside that now.

Is it the case that everyone in a relationship, whatever the stage, has to support the finincual decisions of their partner!

[Unami]

Bear, are you really saying that a young woman shouldn't go back to Uni unless her partner wants her to? Why shouldn't she go back if that's what she wants?

And he's not supporting her while she studies, they split the bills 50/50.

[lollydollydrop]

Bearbehind you are really excelling yourself now.

How dare you insinuate that I 'made the wrong choices' purely on the basis of my income!!!

Fwiw (and it's really none of your business) I roughly 4 years behind my OH career wise due to an illness which kept me out of work. My OH is in a completely different profession and although it is unfair there is still gender inequality in terms of pay. How dare you judge me on the basis of how much I have earned.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

Bear, her dad supports her. Supports him too actually indirectly, as he insisted on living in a posh and expensive neighborhood which he would possibly not be able to afford alone without the OPS DAD funding them....

[Misty9]

To answer your question lolly, he suggested it, not me.

[Bearbehind]

unami I'm not saying she shouldn't have gone back to uni but as she couldn't afford to pay for it and neither could her partner, she has to be prepared for some fallout from being funded by her parents.

She's either an independent woman in a committed relationship or she's daddy's little girl. The 2 aren't really compatible.

The fact they split the bills 50/50 means she has no money to pay for printer ink, which she needs, so she requires support from her partner.

[Bearbehind]

You clearly feel your decision didn't result in the optimum salary or you wouldn't have bothered going back to uni. You've said all along you only did it to earn more money.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

Bear, what you are ultimately advocating though, is that if you cant fund your own way entirely, you dont live with your partner.

Incidentally, I believe if your partner is not interested in funding you at all in order to share his/her life with you, you are not really a partnership and you should not live together.

In her case, she would be better off in student accommodation, she is paying over the odds to live with him, and if it was not for that, she might actually be able to afford printer cartridges....

[QuintessentialOldDear]

"You clearly feel your decision didn't result in the optimum salary or you wouldn't have bothered going back to uni. You've said all along you only did it to earn more money."


So what? What has that got to do with anything? What has questioning the OPs choice of first career and her earning potential got to do with this thread?

[lollydollydrop]

Bear, I didn't say I ONLY did it for money. It is also to fulfil myself intellectually and challenge myself, I am interested in the topic etc. And I am pretty sure that I pointed out that in my field you pretty much have to do a post graduate degree to specialise and work in the field. Stop mis-reading my posts.

Gonna have to set me some Beartraps... you are obviously very Grizzly today and enjoying this