AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

Er.. because they love each other? Because they want to support each other? Ok, he didn't want to finance her degree (odd, but not completely outrageous) but to only pay 50% of the bills and take the rest from her family is bizarre. I only hope the op's taking notes incase he ever loses his job, wants to take a sabbatical, re-train etc.

I don't think it's unusual not to want to finance her degree. And I don't think it's that unusual for a cohabiting couple who aren't yet at the marriage/children stage to split bills 50/50.

What is odd and really not very nice is him insisting that she pay up for his mistake, which suggests he is very tight, and isn't very supportive given she's stressing about her course and clearly could use a little bit of considerate behaviour.

He is stubborn and like a brick wall, OP, because he wants his own way. This isn't about a few scoobies like hand cream or a meal out, but about unsupportive ness, meanness, and point-scoring. You will have a quiet life with this person as long as it all goes his way, and a miserable one.

I think the op is getting an unfair bashing on here.

Yes, she could get a new amazon account easily, yes, she could write the password down, but that's not the point.

It seems worrying to me that he doesn't "help out'. It seemed strange that he had a lot more spending money, even when they were both working (particularly as she moved to be with him).

It seems strange there is a big argument over "whose fault" it is. Given that she has no money and he was at least partly to blame, it seems worrying that he doesn't feel the need to buy a new one for her and is willing to let her down when she needs help.

Are your parents really rich Op? Does he think he might as well let them pay because they can "afford it" more than he can?

It doesn't seem much of a partnership to me. He "treats her" as he would do if they were just dating, rather than living together. It sounds rather controlling to me and would raise a red flag. I wouldn't go as far as to call it abuse though - yet!

I think that you really need to have a good chat about how things will change if you get married/have children. Whatever you do, don't wait until you do have kids and it will be difficult to leave.

I would want to know if he is serious about the future of your relationship and I would expect some more flexibility from now on. Tell him your concerns. If he can't see the point you are trying to make now- be very careful about continuing with this relationship. It sounds as if he wants to buy you extras/nice things so that he can feel good and bask in your appreciation. It is worrying that he can't see the need for help with the necessities.

You need to work out as a couple how your money is used to benefit you both "as a couple" in a way that is fair to you both. I cant understand how one person can have loads to spend and one is struggling. To me, that is no relationship and I would have no respect for someone who thinks it's fair to be so unfair.

Wow, I'm actually amazed that you can call the people on here bullies and stick up for your OH and defend him.
He's some piece of work in fairness. He was able to convince you that it was half your fault because you opened the cartridge box.

Wow. Just wow.

Please go and do your study or whatever you're doing and come back to the relationships girls for advice.
That man is not a keeper. No way.

This is obviously about more then printing. I would agree with those who feel this doesn't sound like a very supportive relationship.

Also a bit baffled at the tone round these parts of late.

Op have you worked out yet that your contribution towards his lifestyle is much larger than his to yours.

If you moved out of the house into your own financially it would hit him much harder than it would hit you. The reason why he has so much disposable income is because another person is funding a significant proportion of his expenses.

From the information you have given it does not sound like financial abuse but it does sound very much in his favour but his justification for his financial conduct sounds very iffy almost like he has convinced you your the one freeloading,and the splitting the cost of the mistake right down the middle and making you wait until after you need it is a fine example of how little your needs mean to him I would take that as a fine example of his personality and it wouldn't be one I would want to share my life with.

Can't you print them at uni? And work there for now? Maybe you'd be able to concentrate better out of the house and away from the rowing environment.

You should return the cartridge - getting a refund shouldn't be a problem, and order a new one. Get a your own amazon account. What would be weird about having two tesco delivery accounts anyway? There's no limitation on them.

But it also sounds like your problems are a bit bigger than one row over your ink cartridge. You live with your OH who earns well, and you share a bank account, but are subsidised by your parents, and share an amazon account but have separate printers and printing costs? This seems a bit all over the place to me. Have you and your partner agreed to pool resources or not? How do you work out your finances together? If the printing issue is symbolic of deeper personal/financial confusion, then you need to take time to work them out. But put them to one side and concentrate on your exams for now.

Oops, read the first page and thought I was at the end of the thread. Sorry.

As a full time student, you might have got benefits and cheaper accommodation than what you are forced to pay at the moment.

It would be interesting to see how he would react to you moving out to cheaper accommodation to balance your finances.
Who chose where you live now?

He did Lweji. Are you familiar with Manchester?

Almost completely off-topic, but FGS as a computer programmer he should know that the random numbers/letters thing is ridiculous and really not that safe.

Hasn't he heard of correct horse battery staple?

And then you would be able to access the Amazon account and delete your bank details so he can't keep bleeding you dry.

Not at all. :)
Just London.

also reinforcing Scrambled, it's the length of the password that makes it safe, not the randomness.
Unless you use your name or date of birth as your password. :o

You can't get any benefits whatsoever if you are a full-time student.

Well I wanted to be as close to the Uni campus as possible, to help me integrate into Uni life as it is such a big change/shock after 5 years in 'real world'. Also to be closer to the library etc, and save on travel expenses. However, he wanted to live somewhere with a 'sense of community' (he's from the countryside) where he felt safe. Thats fine in one regard. But we are in Didsbury- one of the more expensive places to live. We have a continental cheese shop on our doorstep FFS. But only here would do.

I should point out, he works from home.

And the reason he was so set on a place he felt safe is because last time we lived here, as 18 yo students he got mugged. Twice. Once he was home when a burgler got in through his window. But I am easy where I live- have been city centre, studenty areas and then places most would consider 'rough' like Mossside- actually not bad at all. Try telling OH that!
The sense of community thing is because he is from a place where everyone knows everyone.

It would have been so much easier/cheaper for me to live in student accommodation..

I must admit it would be hard to go back to that though. And we would almost certainly have split up if he stayed down south or rented a separate place whilst I were in halls!! Would just feel we had gone back several stages in our relationship.

He's left the house now, in the car, without saying anything..

Oh, its a very long and very random password! And very long

DIDSBURY?!

Fucking hell. For one thing that's a bloody long way for you to get to uni, and for another it's eye-wateringly expensive there.

He's really all about himself, isn't he?

I have seen that cartoon before scrambled! Still dont get it though- what passwords are we supposed to use?

OP you have been in this thread for more than 4 hours now - is this really the best use of your time?

You claim it is impossible to work whilst doing your MA but can squander away a whole afternoon on an Internet forum.

You do need to take a long hard look at your relationship (after your exams) as it seems you don't have the same outlook on so many things.

It isn't just about money, he clearly doesn't want to live where you do and didn't want you to go back to uni. That's not conducive to a lasting relationship.

I can't believe how you think it's normal for him to buy you clothes and handcream on his terms and that you are grateful to him for it. Thats really creepy in my book, it makes you behold to him.

Equally, it isn't normal to have a discussion with your partner about giving up work to study then completely ignoring his feelings on the subject, going ahead and doing it anyway, then moaning because his isn't supporting you in something, despite the fact he never agreed to anyway.

LOL scrambled yeah, I know. He should have paid the difference from what halls would have cost me, eh? Cheese shop my arse..

I feel very sad to read all of this.

Why does he not support you for one catridge if he is on 45K a month?

Set up Amazon account and order 2 catridges since you are doing so much printing. Plan ahead. If he really does not want to pay for it ask him to if you can borrow the money.

Very sad.

Leave the bastard.

If he is a computer geek and has left the house without speaking- could he have seen what you've been writing about him all afternoon? (I have no idea if this is possible from another computer in the same house)

Bearbehind, I havent been on it constantly, just at lunch and now having a break from work. Promise!

And he didnt disagree with me coming back to uni, he supported it and wanted me too (especially when we both were going to open days). At that point he was prepared to financially help out (with costs of living in London). But then he skirted that and just because I hadnt mentioned it in a couple of months and made the enquiry to a Uni in my hometown, he decided he didnt like that and wouldnt financially help with that.

I dont think you are fair to judge me on whether I can or cant work- an afternoon on a forum looking for support isnt the same as 16 hours a week working is it? You only know my activities from the past few hours on one day, you have absolutely no idea how many hours I spend studying every week (an f'ing lot I can tell you!) I am not lazy or dont want responsibility- I would absolutely love the extra cash aswell, as you can probably ascertain, but I just cant cope with doing more than what I am currently doing. Not that I have to justify myself to anyone anyway, like a previous poster said. I will be so relieved when this is over and I CAN work full time! It will be much less stressful- we look forward to that day. Having evenings again! A whole weekend again!!!! Oh wow :)

Logging off now, my break is over :) Thank you

Agree with fabergeegg, you sound as bad as each other.

You sound entitled, he sounds petty.

It was your decision to leave work, spend your savings on a cat, continue to not work and live off the esrnings of your dad/DH. Nobody owes you anything, and you come across as though your bf owes it to you to make living with the consequences of your decisions easier.

He, on the other hand, sounds as though he is in this relationship only half-heartedly, with no understanding of what commitment and compromise truly mean. There's no room for this kind of pettiness.

I suspect you both exacerbate each other's viewpoints, too: the more each of you feel the the way you do and act the way you do, the more you cause the other to continue in and reinforce your viewpoints.

You need to stop looking at yourselves as two individuals and start looking at yourselves as a unit. It's a leap of faith, and over time there will be winners and losers. Are you really intending to spend your futures quibbling over ink cartridges?