AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

[flowery]

If you live together, "share everything" and are in a long term committed relationship (I'm assuming, as you live together) with someone who is a good earner, the fact that you are asking your parents to pay your rent is a bit strange, isn't it?

[VisualiseAHorse]

You could ask a mate - just replace the ink AFTER you've used it.

I'm also a bit boggling at the fact you've got seperate printers. Just set up your own Amazon/eBay/online print ink shop account, order it and be done.

[VisualiseAHorse]

ShadeofViolet - it's ok to have two accounts, just that if you need to order something, your OH shouldn't mind if you use theirs?


Yet even then the house was 50:50, meaning 90% of my salary went on rent and bills, I had no leisure money at all and could not save anything for the future either- he had All the 'spare' cash and pissed it up the wall. He didnt save either.

WHAT.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Drama lama. Just frigging nip to the nearest print shop with a memory stick sorted.

And next time don't rely on your bf to order the right one, you knew he'd got it wrong before, why not check what he was doing.

[ItsYonliMe]

I have to ask myself would a postgraduate studying for a masters actually come on to the internet and ask such inane questions. God you are so not ready to go out into the big bad world are you (scarey)

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I can see this isn't about the printer (about which I think you're panicking, and I can sympathise, as I went through the bloody roof at the end of my MA, when I found DH had set up the computer in Russian and buggered off to work, leaving me screaming at the screen when I couldn't understand how to make it print!).

At some stage, obviously, you need to sort out your Amazon account and you need to plan so you don't end up doing mad printer dashes at the last minute.

However, it is fairly clear that's not the main issue, right? You are in an established relationship where you lived together and have moved house together, and he's being petty about what is obviously a small amount given his income and a large one given yours.

You need to sit down and talk about money. If he is fundamentally of the view that what's his is his and what's yours is yours, to the point where he's happy to see you struggle for £45 when he makes a mistake, then you need to decide whether you want to waste time living with a tight bastard.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

itsyonli - must be nice to be perfect, huh?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

What sort of pet? Is it better?

[BAUagent]

It seems like you are panicking due to the stress of your upcoming exams- understandable, and tbh it sounds like he is being very unsupportive. I don't understand how you can be in an adult loving relationship which is clearly serious as you moved to live with him and yet he doesn't support you at all financially? Surely this qualification is an investment in your future and someone who was with you for the long term would happily support you to achieve this for the better of the household?
In the meantime, set up an amazon account, tell him you need him to pay for it on this occasion and you will discuss paying him back at a later date. But I would be seriously angry if my partner were to be so petty over a situation like this while I were focussing on exams.

[lollydollydrop]

Dragon I agree, thank you. We have now spoken again, and the end result is that it is a joint mistake, as I opened the box and therefore he doesnt think it will be accepted as a return on Amazon, so we will have to shift it on e-bay and make a loss. As it was a joint mistake, we will split the loss. But he also said that it wont get here till Tues now and I should go to the shop if I need it now and pay full price (it was quite a bit cheaper on Amazon). When I asked who is footing the bill for that then he said not him. Arrrrgh!! It is so frustrating. Whatever though, I will just go without my supper LOL (kidding)

A few other posters have made me realise how ugly mumsnet/the internet can be and amounted to nothing but nasty, bitchy, bullying comments. I'm so thankful that I am not such a bitter person and have a kind heart! It would make me feel awful all day if I was so rude and spiteful to random strangers. Makes me wonder why some people need to get their kicks by being bitchy to others.. did the playground bullies get older and move mumsnet? Good job I can spot a bully and don't heed anything they spout!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Honestly, you are burying your head in the sand here if you think you've sorted it by splitting the difference on his mistake, I think.

What happens next time? What happens about his attitude, that he doesn't seem to care he's messing you around at a time when most partners would be being supportive.

No need to blame 'mumsnet' for a few comments, either - you are coming across as nastily as them, and I don't think a few nasty comments justifies that even if they did upset you.

[PatriciaHolm]

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

[lborolass]

Lots of nastiness on this thread, I have enough money to buy ink for my printer (and, yes, we call our printers mine and yours as it's just the easiest way to distinguish between them, what's odd about that?) but if I wasn't the one who'd bought the wrong thing in the first place I wouldn't expect to pay for a second one.

I hope you can find a solution OP

[Ragwort]

I can't imagine living with someone in a relationship and having to 'split the costs' for something like this ............. how do you share chores/shopping/cooking/who initiaites sex etc - do you have to take turns and keep a tally? Does he eat more and you split the cost of a loaf of bread proportionately?

You sound like teenage flat-mates.

Seriously, don't want to appear bitchy but do you really want to live with someone who is so penny pinching and precious about what is his and what is your's?

[lollydollydrop]

Yes BAUagent I agree with your post entirely. I had the same thoughts from start to finish, but re the degree thing, he says he is not supporting me financially with it because it wasnt a 'joint decision' that I go back to uni. We did discuss it for about 6 months in summer, and went to an open day in London but I later decided london wasnt right as we couldnt afford to live there, and had a cat which we needed a house for not a flat (flats dont let you keep pets). However, in late August I decided one weekend when he was away I would enquire with my former Uni if they had places to start in a months time and they did. I didnt go behind his back or anything, him being away just gave me loads of time to think about the future and my career and where I was now, what I had been wanting to do for years. However I dont expect him to help with fees or anything like that- certainly not- but just maybe pick up a bit more of the responsibility with rent or bills considering his salary, instead of relying on my dad- I mean how embarrassing is that?

We have been together 4 years, known each other 10 years, and we are 28 this year. The reason I dont work is because the course is VERY intense and only 3 people out of 33 on the course have a job.. I am a mature student so out of the swing of it and I have found it difficult. The original intention was to get a PT job but I just cant manage it- the course is more than a FT job I have one day off (either Sat or Sun) every other weekend. So 2 days off in a month, not even consecutive! Yeah its tough, I love it though and am glad I am here.

Thanks all

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Ok, he's not supporting you financially and you have family support, which isn't unusual.

Fine.

But you've moved house for him, right? And this isn't what I'd call financial support, this is the normal give and take of living together.

I accept that paying someone else's MA costs would be a substantial financial investment that not all partners would be willing to make. But paying 45 quid when you ordered the wrong printer cartridge is trivial on his salary, unless he has a lot of debts/outgoings you're not mentioning.

Don't worry about justifying why you don't have a job. It is possible to work alongside some MA courses, others it's harder, and I really don't see how that's anyone's decision but yours!

[lollydollydrop]

Sorry why am I coming across as nastily as them? Thats the problem with the internet/virtual communication I guess, other people cant really hear your tone..

Anyway, thanks for the constructive advice, bullies ignored and back to work! :)

[Darkesteyes]

Cant believe the amount of people on this thread who are not seeing the obvious financial abuse in this relationship.
Lolly you shouldnt be paying out half
The bills should be split in PROPORTION to what you earn. FFS dont have kids with this man. He will be quibbling over the price of kids shoes. It will be a passport to poverty.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I thought the 'bullies' comments and generalizing about MN was a bit off. I do get that you've been provoked by some very nasty comments, I just reckoned you could lay off a bit ... not my business, though, and as you say, it's hard to hear tone.

I do totally agree with dark that the financial side of things really doesn't sound good and it sounds as if you almost don't see how unreasonable he is being, despite how angry you obviously were when it happened.

[FannyMcNally]

Lol at Exit!

This has got to be a wind-up thread surely?
Didn't support you going back to Uni? Well I hope you keep most of your future earnings to yourself. How are you ever going to have a family (if you want one) with this on-going money pettiness? Get rid. NOW. Get some self-respect back. Go and live with your family and save them some money. Your OH isn't worth it.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Sadly, I can totally believe this wouldn't be a wind-up. If it were, it'd also be a totally accurate representation of the sort of bollocks I've seen people put up with.

[lollydollydrop]

Darkest, years ago when we moved in I tried to explain why 'proportionate' was the right/fair/best way to split things but he genuinnely honestly truly cant see how anything other than 50:50 is 'fair'.


Like I mentioned before, as a computer programmer he does think a bit rigidly at times (Psychologist friends even jest at mild Aspergers) and he has funny ways.. You should probably give me advice in the Relationships forum!!!

Although it is 50:50 with formal bills etc, I must stress that I dont have to pay for Anything when we are out together- he buys all the drinks and picks up restaurant tab. I would really like to be able to save though. Its horrible feeling so insecure financially. After the degree he wants to move back down South- maybe then I should suggest the proportionate pay thing? But then would that mean all our leisure money is split proportionally? Or 50:50? As obviously he wouldnt be paying for everything when we were out then.

Its a bit confusing..

[Mintyy]

That is an unbelievably over-written op from a person who is supposed to be a masters student

You really could have done that in two sentences op, one at a push!

[lollydollydrop]

Minty, kinda explains why I've been having trouble sticking to the word limits in my essays.. haha

[FannyMcNally]

Dp and I have over 30 years of computer programming between us and still remain normal where money is concerned.