AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

[ScrambledSmegs]

Just words. Unrelated words if preferable.

There's a generator here It makes it a bit clearer.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Gah. If possible.

I'm multi-tasking, sorry If you can call doing the CBeebies magazine with a toddler while MNing multi-tasking.

[ouryve]

I think you need to turn the tables OP, and make it clear that if ever there was to be talk of marriage (since you mentioned it regarding joint finances) you need to learn how to be partners first - and that doesn't involve just buying something as a "favour"

You asked how it works when it comes to finances if you marry. The answer is that there is no set answer. It works in a way that you can BOTH be happy with and that is fair to both of you. DH and I have separate bank accounts. DH is sensible and fair with money (and he's a programmer with Aspie traits) but have you any idea how hard it is to close a joint account if you do LTB and he can't be bothered to provide his signature?

If you can't even manage a joint Amazon account without strife, at this stage, then you're a long way from being able to even contemplate that sort of commitment, anyhow.

[PatriciaHolm]

Lolly, I've just read the thread again, and it's noticeable that whenever you post about your DP, it doesn't sound as if you like him very much. The language you use and the behaviours you describe; it doesn't come across that you are very close or happy with him at all. Is that right? I don't think he sounds very nice at all, and clearly many others agree, and you don't seem to be very convinced either....

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Not that it matters much, but:

You can't get any benefits whatsoever if you are a full-time student.

I wouldn't know about anything else, and this isn't a benefit exactly, but you can sometimes get exemption from council tax, depending where you are in the country. If the OP lived alone, and in my area, she'd be much better off for this. Mentioning really so that the OP can take it into consideration if she's thinking about it all, no other reason.

[Unami]

That's true, you can be exempt from CT if you are a full time student. I forgot about that. If you are a part-time student then, depending on your exact circumstances, you might be eligible for some benefits.

[comingintomyown]

I agree you are very fortunate at 28 years old to have others footing your bills while you study for a qualification which you describe as having a low chance of actually converting to a job.

[Unami]

I don't see why people are being harsh to the OP about being a privately funded postgrad student. Most postgrad students are living on private funds, and many of them are supported by relatives. Yes, she is fortunate to be in that position - is that a criticism? It doesn't have anything to do with the OP's complaint, as far as I can see.

[Bearbehind]

The trouble is she is moaning about her OH not supporting her, when he never agreed to.

She is being bank rolled by her Dad and is harping on about her OH, who it doesn't seem she likes very much.

It is a luxury to go back to studying as a mature student. Her OH might earn £45k but he might not have enough disposable income to offer her any more support.

OP has said he didn't ultimately support the decision to study.

It's one of those situations where, on the face of it, both OP and her OH ABU but the issue is really about their compatability in a long term relationship and not about an ink cartridge!

[StrangeGlue]

Op I don't think you're being unreasonable. Relationships are about mutual support and it seems really odd, to me, from your posts that you are scrimping and saving and doing everything 50:50 when you don't have an income. Surely at the most you should be putting in a percentage of your income each. If he lost his job would you still be demanding 50% from him? If you have a baby, which would be both of yours, how will you pay your 50% on mat leave? This just doesn't work. Plus, he's effectively getting money off your dad for free which seems very unfair on your dad when, presumably, he was affording his rent without before you moved in.

This ink thing seems really strange, he should pay but it shouldn't be a massive deal with you ranting at him to get it and him shirking responsibility getting it wrong and wanting more cash off you. This shouldn't be an issue - a symptom of your relationship as a whole?

As to a solution to the ink issue. I think he should buy the new ink and he should try to sell the wrong ink.

In general I think you need a proper chat - about money at a very least.

[Unami]

But Bear, she didn't begin by moaning about her OH not supporting her through studies, she was just frustrated about the very small cost (to him) of an ink cartridge, and him being stubborn about her returning it or selling it before a new one was bought - which is really petty. Other posters began asking questions about her situation, and she answered. I don't think it's fair to say she is moaning about her OH not supporting her, rather that her personal and financial obligations are complicated, and confusing.

Yes, she is fortunate that family are helping her meet her costs, but saying that it is a 'luxury' to study is quite condemning - as is the term 'bankroll'.

So - she is getting financial help from her parents, her OH doesn't want to financially support her while studying - but this doesn't mean that splitting the bills 50/50 while he outearns her, or quibbling over every little expense is fair.

[Bearbehind]

unami only the OP knows the reality of her situation but I'm not the only one who thinks the way she describes her OH is far from loving.

The ink cartridge is not really the issue, it is just a symptom of a very strange relationship.

The terms I have used might be harsh or condemning but I think they are a fair assessment of the situation from the information given.

There is absolutely no reason why he should split the bills 50/50 with her unless he wants to. They are not married, they don't have children and she has chosen to study when he seems to have made it clear he didn't agree.

[lollydollydrop]

Hi,

Patricia, I well imagine I did come across like that, as when I feel that OH is being impossible unreasonable I dont suppose I do like him much, no. (Or his 'behaviour' if we are using kid gloves). But that doesnt mean that overall I dislike him. I wouldnt be with him if I actually disliked him the majority of the time. There are just frustrations.

Comingintomyown at no point have I said that my qualification has a 'low chance of actually converting to a job'. I have no idea where you got that from but this is incorrect so please dont quote me as saying something I didnt. Also, I do not need a lecture on the fortunate position I am in. Of course I know I am in an incrediably blessed position to have the opportunity to study, and I did not enter into it light hearted. It was the most difficult conversation to discuss whether we (as a family) could financial afford it. I am not spoilt from a very rich family.. my family is technically working class who have worked their way up iykwim. Both myself and my family have had to make sacrifices in order for me to do this. I was not really affording life on a relatively low income in the South, and not progressing in work (after working for 5 years). I have known since I graduated I may like to study a postgrad one day, but I did not want to rush the decision and spent time working and getting to know what motivates me etc before I could choose a course and path that i was 100% committed to and will not regret. My undergraduate degree is one with which, a postgraduate course is necessary in order to specialise in a field and ultimately work in it, so this was always on the cards one day. I am so very thankful to my supportive parents, and they really do know how much so. I feel guilty every day when I think about how much this is costing etc, and I have never been one to like asking them for money. I would rather they didnt spend their money on me (of course they see it different) for things like birthdays and Christmas if theres nothing I NEED then I rarely ask for anything. (I actually think I rebelled against my sibling how is the opposite). When I was younger I used to only dress in charity shop clothes because I thought other clothes were over-priced and boring, whereas my sibling will only wear designer. Gah- sorry on a tangent completely.


Strangeglue, you make some very good points, and I cant imagine how that could work either (it couldn't). If OH lost his job I would not be ringing his mum up to ask her for 50% of the rent! (I dont think!) Although that scenario is different, obviously, as I am in my situation by choice I do understand your point.

Unani I think you have given a reasonable and accurate assessment of where I'm coming from, thank you for being level headed and objective!

[WeAppearToBeAlright]

I, I, I, I, I, I, I... you sound like SUCH hard work when you're in a state.

I feel sympathy for you, because you're having such a fight in this relationship all the time.

And I feel sorry for him, because he thought he had a girlfriend and now he has a dependent. Even though he objected. You decided - he pays.

[lollydollydrop]

Bear, I think when people are having a moan about things they dont always sound loving. If we'd have spoken yesterday it would have been a completely different conversation and impression you would have got. You only get a snapshot of someone's life on here when they post, so it is really unfair to jump to conclusions or make really extreme comments/suggestions I feel. People ask for advice but that doesn't mean they want you to tear them/their life/their choices apart without knowing the full picture. Today you got the 'really angry and unhappy' snapshot, tomorrow you may get an alternative snapshot. Its relative, in a way.

Also, how do you define 'strange'? And 'normal' for that matter? That is a very personal thing, the answer surely is there is no such thing as normal. I may say your relationship is 'strange'. Horses for courses, is that the expression? :)

[WeAppearToBeAlright]

Actually, when it happened to me (my boyfriend moved in, settled down, then gave up work for 'following his heart' reasons); it was extremely difficult to make ends meet. He said if I loved him I would support him while he set up his own thing (for the future of the household) - what is difficult to get over (and I imagine your partner feels the same) was being TOLD my role was to support him. Like a parent. Changes the relationship, usually for the worse...

[LessMissAbs]

OP, all I can say is that you appear to lack perspective.

And from what I have read from you so far, it seems unlikely that you will develop any in the near future.

Perhaps rejoining the world of work will be the making of you.

[SauceForTheGander]

It really shouldn't be this tough prior to marriage and DCs.

You don't sound like you're on the same team heading on the same way.

Put this issue aside ASAP, focus on your studies and have a chat when you've got a clearer head.

[lollydollydrop]

sigh Thats right WeAppearToBeAlright, I really am just a dependant.
Obviously you either haven't fully read the thread, or you haven't understood it.

Actually, we did talk about my going to Uni in order to further my career. In depth. We ended up having to move out of the house we were renting in the SouthEast as we really couldnt afford it, it was crippling us. We were having to do things like not be able to visit our parents for 2 months because of the petrol money. It got to the stage whereby we were both like 'Shit, what's going to happen if we have children? How are we going to support a family if we cant support ourselves?' OH has reached the top of his career money wise, and his industry is based in the South, so really we decided it was up to me to get a 'better job' since I was not fulfilling my potential anyhow in the roles I had had. Hence it was a strategic decision for a shared future. It wasnt all one sided or 'mememe'. He supported it. The only reason (to my mind) why he had a semi change of heart was that I 'surprised' him with the idea that I could do the course further away, in my old Uni who offered a slight fee discount. It actually works better for us, as the rent is cheaper (better still had I lived at home you may say). But him staying down south wasnt really an option, we wanted to be together. We lived 200 miles apart for 1.5 years and it was torture- no way would either of us really want that again. I looked into him staying in Uni halls with me- not possible, we would have to be married. We considered a cheaper flat, but we have a cat to think about/home (she is our baby) and flats are no go. I would have lived in a less nice area for a cheaper place, but he didnt want to- he only wanted to move if he felt safe there, hence the area we are in now. I saw it as a compromise, to keep us both happy. I think all things considered it has probably been the best decision

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Weappear,

I think your being unfair to the op and making vast assumptions based on your own situation.

Before she quit work and went to uni her financial commitment to the household was 50% and she maintained that she has now quit and been studying and it is still 50% and she is still maintaining that.

Her financial dependence on her partner has not changed and neither have his outgoings or at least his outgoings in relation to her she is making exactly the same financial contribution she was before and one that puts him at a advantage and her at a disadvantage.

So its very very unfair to say she's now his dependant.

[lollydollydrop]

Hi LessMiss what perspective are you referring to?

I cannot wait to be in the world of work once more, I have done work experience during my degree and I was positively buzzing when I got home.

I am unsure what you are alluding to.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

Weappear - except he did initially agree to it, and doesn't pay. The OP pays half of the bills - that are much larger than they would have been had she chosen the flat.

There seem to be a disproportionate number of rude people sniping at the OP without properly reading the fucking thread...

lollydollydrop - I understand you're busy (I have an OU exam myself in a fortnight ) but when you can, please take a minute to look through the relationships board on here - hell, even start your own thread. There are just so many women stuck in crappy situations with partners who started out like yours, and then end up on their maternity leave/SAHMing being told basically, 'I earn the money, it's mine, fuck you'.

Like MrsHoarder, DH and I have supported each other financially depending on who's working/studying/earning more. Neither of us would see the other go short of something if we had the means to provide it; is that not a very fundamental thing if you love someone?

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

whoa, lost of x-posts. Sorry, slow thinker and slow typist

[lollydollydrop]

Thanks sockreturningpixie (I could really do with one of you in my house!!!!! I have only two socks remaining in my drawer, and both are odd..)

Sockpixie was right about the financial situ, and I am not depending on him now any more than before, a 50:50 spilt of the bills and rent is hardly depending on someone is it? Ok he treats me/us to a meal out once a month or so, but when he INSISTS on doing that and is on DOUBLE what I am on, I hardly think that is me taking advantage.

Actually, in our current house, considering the rent is much less than before, OH is actually making a profit out of me being at Uni! I almost laughed at the thought of that- till I remembered what my Dad is losing

[IneedAsockamnesty]

No problem lolly, I was snippy and not nice to you earlier before the thread developed so hope I have no redeemed myself.

And I do have access to rather a lot of still in packet socks so should you require some pm me your address and shoe size and a pack will be sent to you.