AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

If he genuinely believes 50/50 is fair, that's up to him. It needn't have anything to do with him being a rigid thinker or having Asperger's - if that's what he honestly believes, the question is, do you? If you don't, why are you staying with him? What would happen if you had children with him?

To be honest, I find it a bit suspect he is (or you are) making such a big thing of him apparently wanting it 'fair', as if he really wanted to be fair, he'd have paid up for his mistake. I cannot see how by any stretch of the imagination it was your error. Admittedly I can't see why you don't have your own Amazon account to pay for it yourself, either, but that doesn't make it less his fault that he bought the wrong one.

Is he otherwise supportive of you studying now you've made the decision?

You sound spoilt. You refer to your financial situation as if it should be pitied, when in fact you're in the privileged position of not having to work (very unusual) and with family prepared to foot the bill. If you feel your BF should be extra understanding because he knows things are tight for you, I should think he probably feels the opposite - that you have everything you need and don't know the value of how you've been helped. Every day that you live in your flat, eating food and surviving - your dad worked to provide that. Do you ever think of that at the end of a day? Think of your dad at his desk/in his shop or whatever, working solely that he can give you a privileged lifestyle doing what you want to do without having to also work (and it's the norm to do a part-time MA over two years so you can do just that). Who cares about the cartridges. You need to eat a big slice of the pie of thankfulness.

OP: your partner is a tight-fisted fuckwit. He is not 'rigid' or 'funny' he is cheap. Find somewhere else to live after this course -without him.

Be very very wary of having children with this man, given the vastly different opinions you hold about household finances and splitting bills.

You don't sound spoiled to me. But others sound jealous and mean and as if thet ate a a large bowl of cornflakes with piss instead of milk.

faberge - I didn't read it the way you did to be honest.

She doesn't sound as if she thinks her financial situation should be pitied, she sounds as if she thinks her DP is justified in being tight. She does explain she has previously worked and was on 18k, and he still treated her this way.

Btw, funding for MA places has very recently been severely cut - lots of people are in a similar position to the OP, and not all courses run part-time MA places, especially if you are tied to a particular area.

What expat and LRD said. The single amazon account/password malarkey is a red herring, what is going on here is financial abuse.

Seriously, fabergeegg?

LOL@expat!! I dont think anyone else is in a position to judge how thankful or unthankful I am, nor how much I think of my dad 'at the end of the day'. Quite funny.

The Aspergers/Rigidity comment was referring to not only money but a host of other 'behaviours' that seem to tick the checklist. But there's probably another checklist he is ticking somewhere..

Apparantly when/if we get married, that is when we will have a joint pool of money that we both spend from, as is what our parents do. Even though we are in a committed LTR, this will not happen until then. (which is fine) That is what it would have to be in the future, with children etc. But I want to protect myself financially.

I wonder whether other cohabiting unmarried couples split 50:50 or proportionately? I may do a poll...

FWIW, when DH and I weren't married, we didn't split proportionately.

However.

Sorry to keep repeating it, but why do you think it's ok to split the costs on his mistake anyway?

I mean, is this going to happen every time, that he'll cite '50-50' and you'll pay up?

That isn't normal.

I wonder if it's also worth asking him where he sees this pool of money you'll have as joint account when you're married might come from - would you end up with even spending money, or would you each pay 50-50 into a joint account (ie., exactly like you're doing now)?

To me it's not just the fact he is being tight, it's that he sounds very unsupportive of you when you're busy and stressed.

Can you really call it abuse when he pays for things like meals, hand cream (I have eczema), and he bought me a few pieces of clothing last month as I was seriously struggling for clothes that fit/werent worn out! It just makes it easier in restaurants (not that we have been out since my course) just to put it on his card, rather than faff with 2 cards or keep track who paid last. And I think he likes to feel that he is 'treating me' to something.

oH, he has about £500 per month go out to pay off debts/credit cards. When I was working he seemed to think that meant we were actually on similar pay after all (maybe 150-200 pcm difference). I never really sat and worked it out! Just wanted a quiet life/no arguments so relented.

Well, those things aren't incompatible with it being financial abuse, no.

I don't know if it is financial abuse because it's not very easy to judge something like that over the internet. And I'm not sure it matters much what you do call it. The issue is, are you comfortable with his behaviour, and do you see yourself being comfortable if he doesn't change in the future?

It sounds as if you need to talk a lot more openly about money with him. I can sort of see how two people could end up moving in together and temporarily not realizing one was earning more than double the other, but it's not really ok that he continued to believe that - and you let him - for this length of time.

Lolly dh and I have helped support each other side the second year of our relationship. The person working whilst the other studied would pay for pretty much everything, including a supermarket shop before going home in another town. That's because we didn't want the other to struggle and considered each others degrees an investment in our joint future.

And now I'm doing an MSc dh is supporting me completely. We're 27 (25 when I started the course). Admittedly we're married with a baby, but we helped each other long before that.

This guy isn't even ruling to invest a printer cartridge in your future when you moved across the country to be with him. Is he really a keeper?

LRD, because I was the one who opened up the box and took the cartidge out (and didnt check the packaging) it was MY fault that it is now non-returnable and hence a joint mistake. He manages to twist it round on most things, dont worry its a skill ha.

For the joint pool I am assuming we pay in 100% of what we each earn and then access it as and when but I dont know, I dont really know how the financial side of things works when you get this stage in life/relationships. I need to think about that and get advice on best way. I dont want to have to go cap in hand if I was a SAHM, but if I was working and it was all pooled, I am not sure I trust him not to blow the money on something.. so its a contradiction and that probably makes me sound like a cow/ungrateful or whatever. I have no idea what other couples do.

Please don't post any more it just gets worse! He's in control and it doesn't sound a pleasant relationship (from your viewpoint) at all. You're just too nice and forgiving.

It is worth saying, though, that the law is different if you're married.

The OP is not (if I'm reading this rightly), in which case she and her OH could make all sorts of agreements about who'll support whom and whether the degree is a joint investment, but in the end, she would be free to walk away and take his money. It is understandable he might not want to finance her degree.

lolly - sorry, but that is utter bollocks IMO.

I don't think you sound ungrateful but I do think you need to sit down with him and work out what you are both expecting to happen. It all sounds a bit chaotic.

OP if you have time to sit and twitter on on here then you have enough time to set up an Amazon account / write a password down / grow up.

Dear me.

If you have the old toner cartridge, give it a shake and it may print another 20 or so pages.

MrsHoarder I feel such mixed emotions at your post! Jealousy, anger, and then anger being the main ones!

I feel like having it out with him over this, but now is not the right time.

MrsHoarder I am so jealous of your situation and it makes me frustrated with my partner. When I hear things like that it does make me wonder- is this right/should this be happening/do I deserve better/what do other people think/do.

Problem is getting through to him, he is like a brick wall in his stubbornness. He is so stubborn and argumentative at times! I need back up! Glad you found your keeper!!! xx

That's why I mentioned our undergraduate degrees. We alternated years for working during those (by chance) but weren't married and had never even dated whilst living in the same city.

Op how we manage our fiancees is with a joint account which everything goes into and we trust each other to be responsible and generous to each other. Again we set this up before we married.

Your bf is telling you what he is like. Maybe you should listen to him.

YY, saying it more for the OP than anything else MrsH.

What ?how is she being financially abused? they have no children , not married.Her DP is working hard at a job and reaping the benefits, he buys her bits an pieces.Her parents are financially supporting her4 through college .Why should her DP support her too?

Although that said, don't m make life changing decisions during final exams. That can backfire. Leave it until results are in and you're a bit calmer.

Back to the original problem, go to your nearest library our print shop and print what you need for the weekend.

Obviously the original post opened up a can of worms about something deeper to do with my relationship mortified, which wasn't necessarily the intention but there you go, can opened. Perhaps procrastination of revision, or exploration of hidden feelings I have not wanted to admit. Either way, at some point I need to discuss it with him although admittedly now is not the time.

Nice idea nanny!