AIBU to think I shouldn't have to pay twice?

[lollydollydrop]

I am fuming.

I am a postgraduate student studying full time for a masters and am currently in the middle of my final exams. I print a lot of journal articles in order to revise from, and at home we have two different printers- mine which is an inkjet and reeeally slow, and OH's which is laser and super fast. I borrow his printer (he never uses it anyway) during times like this as its so much quicker, I dont have to sit there waiting and feeding it more paper, re-aligning it etc as my printer is so crap.I just need to source all my journals, print them and start revising. Quick. Anyway several days ago the ink ran out of the fast laser printer, and so I mentioned to OH who told me to use the remaining ink in my own printer and he would order a cartridge when it ran out. I pay for both cartridges by the way, but OH orders the laser cartridge as I dont have an Amazon account.

So I let him know several days ago we needed a new cartridge, and he said he would order it- I suggested he look at the last cartridge he bought to see which was the correct one (as prior to that we had a 'low cost' cartridge that ended up not working). I told him to order the branded version, even thought it was much more expensive at £45 at least it would definately be the right one, and I needed it here quickly and not have to mess about sending old ones back etc.

So the cartridge came today and I opened it up and tried to get it going- but it didnt fit whatsoever and and after checking, he has ordered the WRONG one. We werent sent the wrong one, he ordered it and this is what came, completely the wrong size, model etc.

Anyway I was pretty mad, as he told me it was ordered etc and when I asked him to order another- the correct one- he asked me for my card number again. I said, no, this was his mistake and why should I pay £90 for ink (i dont have a job and everytime I need money I have to ask my dad). He then tried to twist things and said that it was My fault as I should have checked the box! Why should I presume he was inept and ordered the wrong one? I asked him to re-order the one we knew was right, and he didnt do that, he just completely guessed which one it was. When I protested he said that I should go to the post office and send it back and get a refund before ordering another. Or go to town. Am I missing something here? I dont have time to do this (I know I'm now on MN now but I am struggling to concentrate because of this- we had a massive row) And it wasn't my mistake. Who is being unreasonable here? This will cost time I dont have as my exams are on my doorstep. I am so angry he is being so indignant!! He can be the most difficult, awkward, argumentative person I know :( I need your advice/opinion!

Still see a lot of digs at OP because she has parents who are wealthy enough to fund her postgrad degree. Says more about them than it does about her.

This isn't a partnership. It doesn't sound like it ever way and it certainly isn't now.

He is telling you who he is. LISTEN!

Cut your losses now, after exams. At the least you'll save some money.

Boulevard, thankyou for the tip, I actually lurk on that thread and find it very interesting (and distressing). I am frightened to post about my own relationship though in full (more than the petty cartridge argument of today) as sometimes people can be very quick to say LTB. Things are never as simple and black and white as they appear when written down, and I think that people may be biased (not intentionally) to perceive rship issues as some form of abuse (EU, financial etc). I wish I could get a well rounded viewpoint, I think it takes a lot of posting/time/having to know the couple in RL actually to get that. Perhaps. Though most of the advice is sound, I am still scared of giving the wrong impression. Obviously on this thread I havent painted the full picture of OH, and I have many other examples whereby you'd all be cooing on how kind and thoughtful he is. Gahh! Frightening issues you refer to with maternity pay etc- I need to be sure on this one before any babies, I know that for sure!

My OH wouldnt see me go short either.. but I dont know, it is like he pays for the 'other things' in life that I just dont even consider anymore because I dont think I can afford it. I cant remember the last time I bought a new top for example, or anything for that matter that I Wanted, because I could. I have to Need something to justify the spend. It would be nice to earn a bit more to be able to god I don't know, get my legs waxed or buy a CD oh I dont know I wouldnt even do those things, I haven't spent money on myself in years and years but you get the point!

The 50:50 thing, I think he feels I use half the electricity, live in half the house etc, so I should pay for half of that (regardless of relative income). He would see it as 'him paying for me' if we did proportionate contribution. He even managed to convince me he was right?! Made me feel like a money grabber :( Will defo do a poll in time!

Good luck in your exam too!!!!!!!!!! Good luck exam dust our way!!!! xx

Sock pixie I'm a 6 1/2!!! Can you accommodate awkward sizes?!! Could do with some nice snuggly socks for bed too, ta :)

no, no, no, sorry - I was unclear. I didn't mean to state he WAS supporting you (though that's how I typed it out) - but if that's what he's upset he was about to be bounced into, that would explain his continued insistence on 50/50 to ensure he's not liable for something he hadn't fully signed up to.

I don't think the relationship sounds too easy from either side. He doesn't like the compromise you're both in, and you don't like that he doesn't like it.

Hi LessMiss what perspective are you referring to?

The perspective where you consider others before yourself and where you realise how lucky you are to be funded by relatives for your postgraduate course and to have ink cartridges as your main worry rather than how to cram studying and holding down a job to fund it at the same time.

I'm sorry, but you come across as rather spoilt and indulged. And I wonder whether this has led to your DP's current behaviour. Perhaps he prefers a relationship of equality or looks for traits of independence in the woman in his life, and is finding the status quo frustrating?

btw I do think if it is you who uses the ink and does the most printing, you should pay for the ink cartridge and send the other one back. Not setting up your own Amazon account when you're a student because you don't have enough time is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. I have friends studying medicine who hold down part-time jobs, fgs!

he says he is not supporting me financially with it because it wasnt a 'joint decision' that I go back to uni. We did discuss it for about 6 months in summer, and went to an open day in London but I later decided london wasnt right as we couldnt afford to live there, and had a cat which we needed a house for not a flat (flats dont let you keep pets). However, in late August I decided one weekend when he was away I would enquire with my former Uni if they had places to start in a months time and they did. I didnt go behind his back or anything, him being away just gave me loads of time to think about the future and my career and where I was now, what I had been wanting to do for years. However I dont expect him to help with fees or anything like that- certainly not- but just maybe pick up a bit more of the responsibility with rent or bills considering his salary, instead of relying on my dad- I mean how embarrassing is that?

This was your first explanation - this is what makes me feel sorry for the pair of you, not just you. You 'expect' he'll pay more rent/bills, even though you 'decided' to do it without his support? I'm sorry for the position you're in, honestly, but your language grates.

OP, peope can only comment on what you post and your comments about your partner do not paint your relationship in the best light.

Normal or strange are personal interpretations of a situation but, from your posts, your relationship is nothing like my experience of any happy relationship I have ever witnessed.

I don't have an issue with you having parents that can afford to fund your choices, but at 28 years old, maybe your OH does?

Maybe he thinks you should be able to stand on your own 4 feet as a couple and maybe the fact you are still so dependent on your parents riles him?

Yes pm me your address and some will be on there way to you.

I think I was so upset about the whole printer issue partly because I had a 40 minute MRI scan this morning at 8am, and spent the whole of last night worrying about it. I used to suffer with panic attacks and get claustrophobic, cant travel on planes etc so I was quite worried. I ended up only getting 30 minutes sleep as up until that point I hadnt really given the thing a second thought (exam revision). It turned out that I managed to go through with the whole 40 minutes, despite not being allowed OH in the room for moral support, and not having music played through headphones to help calm me (since MRI's are very noisy). I was so proud of myself, as it was really quite difficult and I can see why some people press the 'stop' button.. But when I met up with OH and told him how it went, I didn't get a 'well done/i'm proud of you' from him like I really wanted considering- what he did do was interrupt me mid sentence to tell me that 'I'm not surprised you didnt have music playing, you wouldnt have been allowed headphones'. When actually, yes I was wearing headphones and music would have been fine if they would have been able to get a signal but they couldn't (the scanner was on a travelling lorry so I assume they needed radio signal). However, OH just assumed that he knew best/was right and had to get in there and be argumentative.

This first squabble in the morning, and my stress and lack of sleep is perhaps a reason behind my OP.

And this is also one example of many showing why I should march myself over to the Relationships thread..!!! :(

Funny how people share the bad things more than the good though, eh? Its always like that- take reviews, a lot of them are negatively skewed.

Hi Bear, so are you suggesting that we should have both paid for the uni fees, living etc without parental involvement? I dont really think that is what he wanted- why would he want to spend more of his money (and he does see it as his, not ours at the moment). He wouldnt be able to fund himself through uni if the tables were turned, maybe thats more the problem, as his parents couldnt support him in the way mine are, and I wouldnt be in that great a position to support him either if on previous wages. So it could in part be jealousy.

Lesmiss, jumping to massive assumptions.

It seems pretty clear to me from your last post that you both think you are always bloody right and neither of your actually take the time to think or understand how the other is thinking- that can't be sustained long term.

When someone interrupts before I have finished my sentence and tries to belittle/prove a point of course that is not nice. I think that the 'right' thing to do is to let the other person finish instead of point-scoring. I do try to understand him, very much so and I think that because I do understand his way of thinking this is what is frustrating, because it is so different from my own in a way that is challenging, although not impossible. It takes time and patience.

Lesmiss, jumping to massive assumptions

And why do you think that is?

No 'lolly' I'm saying if you couldn't have afforded to do it as a couple then maybe you should have listened to his objections to your studying again and carried on working, or looked to progress your careers elsewhere or studied part time.

You chose to do something that, as a couple you couldn't have afforded to do- you can't ignore the bits you don't like in your relationship and turn to your parents to fund your studying then expect your partner to be happy about it all.

Seems to me you have found yourself a right sponger, in this man.

When I was a student, I lived off dps salary (He was a software developer too, and we were not married then.) We moved in together after knowing each other 6 months, first in a horrid flatshare, and when he got his first proper development job, we moved to a one bed flat near both my uni and his work. He paid everything. I had pocket money from my grant and from part time work. Or he gave me cash. We were a unit and money he earnt was ours.

When I had completed my studies and found work, life was good, we bought a car, we moved to a better flat, and he gave up his job to start his own business (Our business really), and my job funded this. I helped him with business related stuff in the evenings, and worked my day job in the day. We were in it together.

What you and your dp is doing is not normal. If I were you, I would tell him "Sorry, I cannot afford living with you any longer, I have worked out I will be much better off living in student accommodation at Uni"

See what he says. If he moans that he can not afford the flat on his own, tell him you cannot afford 50% of it, so you need to look out for your own interests. You are leaving yourself very vulnerable letting him dictate how you overspend on a fab lifestyle you cannot afford. It is not very sensible at all!

We were naive as ever about what we could afford, OH regularly under-estimates money. And time. I dont know why he cant seem to get a grip on the passing of time or how much money we spend/need! The original plan Was for him to support a little financially with costs, and for me to work. But then, at his request, I changed from doing the course part time (whereby I would definately have worked) to full time, where I was unsure how it would pan out but turns out it has been way more intense and difficult than I thought, so I have not been able to work. He expressed a preference for me to do it FT to get it out the way/over with quickly so we can continue with normal service- its obv a huge change in lifestyle. We did think of other options, but considering my age as well the consensus was that this route was best. I think actually he got what we wanted- I am doing it FT (I would have preferred PT in order to work) and it is at small cost to him as he could use the 'You decided to apply up North when I wasnt here' card. I get what I wanted too of course as mercifully I got to study at all!

Lesmiss, perhaps because you hadn't read my posts properly/imposed your own prejudices onto me.

Olddear, when you were a student, were you married at that point or not?

I love your suggestion!! Oh how I itch to do that!!!

I have 4 months left in this house.. the thought of the upheaval if I moved out.. we own all the furniture, who would get the cat, where would I go. Oh it just doesnt seem worth it. Maybe I could suggest it though- 'I dont feel great relying on my parents, yet its dissertation time after exams and so will be non stop working on that. Maybe I should move out into halls to save some money? Dads been so good funding me so far.'

I think the most likely reaction would be: 'Go on then'

Software developer dh here too (with aspie tendencies ) and as you said you'd maybe do a poll on it one day, here's how it worked/works for us:
When living in London (before married) and he earned double what I did so I paid one third all rent and bills and he paid two thirds. Meals out and stuff we usually took in turns to pay although probably him more than me thinking back on it. I was proud and independent when I met him, but also living hand to mouth; a few difficult conversations later we had the aforementioned arrangement.

Living outside London, by necessity for my training, so dh had to commute (still not married at this point) but still earned double my salary (oh to understand computers¡) so previous arrangement continued. Joint back account for expenses and bills by this point, but kept our own accounts for all other stuff.

Married, with baby. Joint account only, supported by dh's earnings completely once mat pay ran out. I've struggled to adjust to this - and he in no way makes me feel its 'his' money - so I'd think hard about having children before this issue is resolved.

Good luck.

lolly you are coming across as quite difficult and it is really quite understandable that you and your OH don't see everything eye to eye as it seems to me that unless he sees it your way, he's wrong.

In a loving reationship, if one partner mistakenly thought that you wouldn't be allowed headphones in a hospital room that he wasn't allowed to enter, the other person would calmly explain that headphones were allowed but it appears that the signal was the problem.

They would not blame that incident on the rest of the days rants on an Internet forum.

We were not married then. At the time we had only been with each other one and a half years! We got married after approximately 5 years together.

When you say you itch to do that, do you mean move out AND leave the relationship?
I was in a toxic relationship for three years before dh. We had a house, a psychotic cat and lots of furniture. I was earning very little. But I ended it. Won't lie, it wasn't easy but I stayed with my brother for couple of weeks until I sorted myself a one bed flat then life just got better and better. It can be done. I left all the furniture and the cat. now have equally antisocial cat and a lot of furniture

bear, OH doesn't have to agree with me on everything, you have concluded that based upon one incident I described this morning. But that is only one incident I mentioned, if you experienced that kind of thing regularly (undermining, patronising, argumentativeness) I think you would change your opinion.

I was merely musing as to what may have built up to my current mind set, and included significant sleep deprivation in that. I think you are being slightly unfair.

Misty, my cat is an adorable (genuinely) Maine Coon, so full of lovliness and personality. She's also 'the most baby-like cat I have ever met' according to my friend!

What is it about software engineers and Aspies?!!! So stereotypical isn't it, but very commonplace comparative to other professions.

Thank you for your viewpoint and sharing your story. Did he agree to the relative contribution?

Misty I read this article today and recognised my OH all over!

m.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/200804/what-does-it-mean-have-asperger-syndrome

(sorry I'm not good at comps and can't do clever links- thats OH's domain!)