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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally horrified that women on a parenting website are giving advice to a violent rapist on how to see his child?

204 replies

Heleneahandcart1 · 08/05/2013 12:23

I have no words, I am beyond disgusted

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/serious-stuff-43/929210-just-out-prison-want-see-my-daughter.html

OP posts:
Fluffypinkcoat · 08/05/2013 12:27

WTAF.

FreckledLeopard · 08/05/2013 12:29

Having had a quick glance at the thread, most of the responses are well considered and the majority of people are telling him that trying to see his child is not in the child's best interests. I can't see anyone 'supporting' the man in any way.

Original poster
Heleneahandcart1 · 08/05/2013 12:30

You missed out on a few posts, there are plenty supporting him.

OP posts:
StitchAteMySleep · 08/05/2013 12:31

Speechless Shock

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 08/05/2013 12:31

wow. just. wow.

If someone started a thread like that here, people would be reporting it to mnhq and asking if it was a troll.

I like most of the responses on that thread. Very sensible indeed.

Fluffypinkcoat · 08/05/2013 12:31

I've also had a quick scan and see several people supporting him and wishing him "good luck" and not in a sarcastic way. There's also women victim blaming and saying many rape victims cry wolf.

MissSG · 08/05/2013 12:32

It's horrific.

NotYouNaanBread · 08/05/2013 12:32

I didn't read all 12 pages of posts, but what are people supposed to say to the guy? Plenty said "not a chance", which is fair enough, and others answered his actual question, which was "what should I do first?".

He can't really win here (not that he deserves to "win" anything). On the one hand, he behaved appallingly and has no right to expect anything. On the other, if he made no attempt to offer support to his child at all, he'd get blasted for just f*cking off. Obviously, he has a legal and moral obligation to provide financial support to his daughter. He wants to set things in motion to achieve that. When he has demonstrated his reliability and ability to stay out of trouble and hold down a good job (and apparently he now has a masters degree, as opposed to not being able to read or write very well when he was convicted, so he has a chance of securing employment), he can start testing the waters about contact.

I don't see what's so bad about his question. He has no right to walk away and never be heard from again.

Original poster
Heleneahandcart1 · 08/05/2013 12:33

I think I am more shocked that netmums are letting the thread stand, there is one particularly vile woman who is accusing a rape victim of causing her children damage in the furture by being so bitter

OP posts:
NotYouNaanBread · 08/05/2013 12:33

(Just to reiterate - I didn't read the whole thread, and I didn't see any of the posts offering him unmixed support and encouragement)

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 08/05/2013 12:33

I only read the first page as on a tiny lunch break... But there seem to be many responses that he would get on here, without the fuck off to the far side of fuck that only mn can provide... I didnt think it was real. Why would someone post that on net mums, expecting advice whilst admitting rape charges and throwing his ex down the stairs (not while pregnant mind) hope it isnt real.

GoblinGranny · 08/05/2013 12:34

I wonder how many of the posters would be happy to have him as a next-door neighbour, or a babysitter, or their DH's best friend?
That's without him having shoved them down the stairs.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 08/05/2013 12:37

So glad for this nest of vipers...

FreudiansSlipper · 08/05/2013 12:42

this is difficult question if it were true (i do not beleive it is)

do i beleive in our justsice system and rehabilitation? yes i do (well if support is given to change and the desire is there to change)

in a case like this i can not be so supportive very few violent men change how can we tell if he has or not from few posts on a forum

i would not be wishing man the best of luck i would be hoping that he would continue to work on changing his mindset not really seen much evidence of that

HolyFocaccia · 08/05/2013 12:44

I hope its a troll.

NomNomNom · 08/05/2013 12:46

What is horrifying, surely, is that rapists , abusers, and men convicted of downloading child pornography are still allowed to see their children. As long as their violence has been directed at others, not their own children.

HeySoulSister · 08/05/2013 12:47

Not read the thread. But an offence does not Barr a parent from access with their child

Every child has a right to a relationship with their parent.... Obviously in a controlled way.... But he stands a chance of courts ruling in his favour. Happens all the time

HeySoulSister · 08/05/2013 12:48

nom x posted

Fleecyslippers · 08/05/2013 12:51

Nom Nom my Ex has a police caution for an assault on my child. SS allowed supervised contact immediately after the assault and he now has unsupervised. daytime contact.

NomNomNom · 08/05/2013 12:54

Even worse than I thought then. Unbelievable.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/05/2013 13:04

^"Yes cos the daughter would be in sooo much danger , god he could rape Her or throw her down the stairs!!!!
Sam did A crime,not a nice one either. But he did his time. I believe in second chances ...you clearly don't . For enough, but I believe as her father he should do everything in his power to be part of his daughters life and I wish him all the luck in the world ."^

Actually shocked at this, yes actually he certainly could do either of those bloody awful things to her.

Do some people actually believe that violent rapists can (or should be given the opportunity) to be good parents?

I also don't believe in second chances when it comes to situations like this as a second chance is just that and the consequences of the person fucking up could destroy a childs life.

Midori1999 · 08/05/2013 13:09

Going by his posting style and the fact he has resorted to calling a woman ignorant on the first page as she disagreed with him, I don't actually think he's remorseful at all. I think, like the violent rapist he was when he was convicted, he is only interested in what he wants, no one else and I am surprised anyone would fail to note this from his posts.

I doubt any Mother would want someone who had not only been violent enough towards her to be convicted of GBH, but also convicted of rape, anywhere near their child.

TheOneWithTheHair · 08/05/2013 13:14

I'm very suspicious. I have only read the first page or so but he says he went into prison barely literate but only seven years later he has a masters. Really? He can study full time in there?

I think there's a lot of embellishment in there to try to get people on his side. It seems to be working too.

Fleecyslippers · 08/05/2013 13:14

The respnses supportung the rapist are fairly typical of the attitudes of many second wives/girlfriends who have fallen victim to the manipulation of an abusive man. Lundy describes it so eloquently in his book 'Why does he do that ? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' when he tals bout abusers with tear filled eyes talking about how bitter exs and authorities stop them from seeingbtheir children for no good reason. Its scary how many women believe and enable these men.

Midori1999 · 08/05/2013 13:23

TheOneWithTheHair, I have read a bit further now and he says he got his masters through the Open University, could this be the case? My sister is doing an OU degree and it takes 6 years. Plus, this man is saying he joined the army at 16, so he wouldn't have had any A levels, surely you can't get from GSCE (or less) qualifications to a Masters in 7 years? Prison or not... Confused

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