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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally horrified that women on a parenting website are giving advice to a violent rapist on how to see his child?

204 replies

Heleneahandcart1 · 08/05/2013 12:23

I have no words, I am beyond disgusted

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/serious-stuff-43/929210-just-out-prison-want-see-my-daughter.html

OP posts:
InLoveWithDavidTennant · 08/05/2013 23:58

oh posting here would have been so much better Grin

however i think mnhq would have niped it in the bud fairly sharpish. he wouldnt have got away with half of the rubbish he was saying if it was over here

Boomba · 09/05/2013 00:03

Ooooo...someone should direct him over here...for a different perspective, like Grin

crazynanna · 09/05/2013 00:04

fucking...thankyou Smile

TacticalWheelbarrow · 09/05/2013 00:06

I'm glad he didn't post here, so many women who post here who have had a bad time could have been affected by his presence on the board. I know loads of women see Mumsnet as a safe place for them to get help from lovely people to get over heir issues.

TacticalWheelbarrow · 09/05/2013 00:08

*their

Plus we are all too good to be wasting our time on scum like that! :)

Boomba · 09/05/2013 00:09

yes, he is certainly very triggering isnt he tactical
you can almost hear his voice..

TacticalWheelbarrow · 09/05/2013 00:13

Yes he is, which is why I am lost for words as to why Netmums haven't taken the thread down. He goes into detail about his abuse and names his daughter in a public forum. I think there is too much info on there and a danger that the poor woman and her daughter could be recognised from that. :(

Darkesteyes · 09/05/2013 00:24

JESUS Sooo glad i chose MN over nh two years ago. That is APPALLING.
Meanwhile Amanda Holden is back having a go at MN again in this weeks best mag.

So THAT gets in the press AGAIN. But the fact that nethuns are victim blaming and practising rape apologism. Well i bet this gets ignored.
After all it doesnt involve a sleb does it.

MrsJoeGargery · 09/05/2013 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piprabbit · 09/05/2013 00:31

Reading threads like that, it does seem that the NM Mods are so busy focusing on the finer details of people's "rights of membership" that they have failed to notice that their moral compass is a bit skewed.

A bit like Sam focusing on his "rights" and missing the wider point about his moral responsibilities to his daughter and her mother.

Darkesteyes · 09/05/2013 00:45

Ive just had a look on that thread. Troll or not the rape and DV apologism on there is mind boggling.

TacticalWheelbarrow · 09/05/2013 00:56

darkesteyes well said re Holden and press, bet we don't get a sniff of this in the news!

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2013 01:03

I don't want to read the thread so I won't but the thing is, women are told all the time that they should be nice to men, forgive abuse, defer to men. The whole of human history has repeatedly been about insisting that men matter and women don't, and it's not that easy to throw this sort of thing off and stand up and say, actually, this man can get to fuck. He forfeited his rights to get his own way when he started assaulting women.

And I do get the impression that the membership on Netmums is, erm, a bit less well-educated than the membership on MN, so a bit more likely to believe the mainstream mythology that any man is better than no man, and that 'damaged' men with 'bad boy' pasts can be redeemed by the love of a good woman. Etc.

TacticalWheelbarrow · 09/05/2013 01:19

solidgold I agree with you about netmums, in fact I joined netmums as a 15 year old kid with a newborn baby, my mum had kicked me out and I didn't know what I was doing. I asked for support and all I got was snidy comments and advice on what benefits I could claim. I'm not against people claiming benefits but I hated the assumption that as a teen mum I wanted to live my life on them.
Then when I revealed I wanted to get into college and go to uni the abuse turned from being a teenage mother to leaving my baby at home so soon to finish my GCSEs! Shock

It's like a different bloody world on there Confused

sweetestcup · 09/05/2013 01:19

Dont know if its a troll or not but sounds like a psychopath to me. And that makes him a good liar. Like everyone here I find it more concerning that there were a few posters, not only standing up for him but actively posting vile stuff to fellow posters.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/05/2013 01:37

Just incase anyone read that thread and is now frozen with fear about a violent convicted ex and the legal situation because of some of the misinformation on that thread can I just take a moment to clarify a few things.

Legal aid for family mattersisstill available for those who financially qualify where provable DV has been an issue the type of proof they need is..

A conviction
Medical evidence
A pending criminal trial
A current protection order
A declaration from a SW
( not a complete list just a few examples)

It is also still available when there are proven child protection issues.

Some years ago a bit about taking DV into consideration in contact cases was added to the children's act however it was mostly ignored. Over the last year or so courts have been bombarded with this message and instructions on actually paying it attention.

I'm not a legal person this type of info does not require one but I am a DV specialist and I just wanted to make sure nobody was frightened by some of those posts.

Obviously if you are frightened by it then you would be being very sensible by getting formal legal advice directly relivant to your personal situation as that is what you require but rest assured that you can obtain it even with the legal aid changes providing your finances fit the LA criteria.

AThingInYourLife · 09/05/2013 01:41

"I'm just laughing to myself at the thought of ' him ' posting here.

Can you just imagine?"

Yeah.

It would have been a pretty similar response, just with more swearing.

Most people would have told him to get to fuck, a few would have realised he was (obviously) a troll, and there would have been the same number of women trying to crawl up his arse and tell him he was an "equal parent".

It would have stayed deleted here, though.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 09/05/2013 02:05

And once again, I am thankful that when I tried to Google the name of the website my old HV told me about around 8 years ago, that I was a blithering idiot and typed the name in wrong and found my way here...

RubyGates · 09/05/2013 07:29

He sounds remarkably like a chap I knew who was both violent to women (he married a friend of mine who was a wheel chair user simply to maker her weaker and dependent on him) and a wild fantasist (SAS one week, hush,hush well paid ops in the desert the next) .

He used to beat up my friend and hide her wheelchair, and then he decamped to the other side of Dagenham to live with a woman who had six children already ( who was subsequently discovered to be HIV positive) promptly fathered another child and was discovered to already have had a child with a woman on the south coast. He never stopped with the violence and was a positive menace to the children.

I'd take this chap's self-agrandisment with a pinch of salt (He'd never get security clearance for the job he's boasting about, nor would it come with a choose-you-own BMW), He can't have done the education inside that he says he has, and their other suspicious things that he talks about. Nor will he reveal what else he was inside for. He's clearly a dangerous, charming, plausible nut-job. I think the bare-bones of his story are true but all the rest is Walter Mitty embelishment.

He's a sad dangerous looser who lives with his Mummy and wants to hurt his ex and hs daughter.

RubyGates · 09/05/2013 07:31

loser.
Never type before the first cup of coffee.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/05/2013 07:44

The sad thing is that Ime ( granted its probably different to others due to work) shit loads of fathers looking for advice re contact are blokes who have perpetrated DV.

The child contact thing is just a legal way they can try to further abuse the woman after she has left.

Before some berk jumps down my throat and says women do it to and ohhhh nooo blokes are equal parents blah blah blah not all are abusers blah blah women lie blah blah DV does not mean your a shit dad blah...

  1. Most of my clients are women same as any other mainstream DV service and I'm talking about my experance.
  2. They shouldn't be if they are abusive
  3. True but I'm talking about my experance
4.not in my experance they don't at least not about DV. 5.anyone who actually believes that is daft,DV is a known form of child abuse and beating up your child's other parent shows a lack of care respect and commitment to that child its crappy parenting no exceptions.
IneedAsockamnesty · 09/05/2013 07:45

Sorry ranted a bit there.

BabeRuthless · 09/05/2013 08:02

I've read so many news stories where the man is a fantasist who claims to be special forces or some such thing (Mark Bridger springs to mind) it seems to be a common theme.

Nethuns is so badly moderated. I remember seeing one thread where a woman had concerns about her grandchildrens welfare and one of her main concerns was that at nearly two years old they were still on a milk only diet. The amount of posters who said "Oh I wouldn't worry about that hun" was unbelievable until a health visitor came on and said that actually was a problem. There's also been a poster who has a vendetta against social services and would constantly post a stream of negative stuff with very dubious "evidence". Again they let it stand. It borders on the dangerous sometimes, I can't believe health visitors recommend it.

Featherbag · 09/05/2013 08:22

What disturbs me most is his obvious denial/downplaying/blatant lies about his crimes. He says his victim was someone he'd slept with previously, and on the occasion in question they were both drunk, but she was deemed too drunk to consent. He got 12 years.

My best friend was raped by a stranger who followed her home at 4am and raped her on her doorstep, causing her to suffer significant physical injury (including teeth lost from being repeatedly punched in the face) as well as the massive psychological trauma. He denied it all the way, luckily 3 separate people heard her screams and called the police, giving perfect descriptions of him and he was picked up a few streets away. There was also lots of DNA evidence, and CCTV of him following her home. HE GOT 4 YEARS. That's FOUR, served 2. This disgusting piece of shit is a liar as well as a waste of oxygen. If I was his DD's mother, I would be packing up my worldly goods and moving myself and my DD to the other end of the earth to keep her away from pathetic excuse for a human being.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 09/05/2013 08:26

How come we always end up in the press for completely meaningless shite but this stuff gets overlooked?

After all, that is the website that so many HVs recommend...