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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

408 replies

bubbagee · 05/05/2013 18:13

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 05/05/2013 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingForwardToMarch · 05/05/2013 18:18

If it's upsetting your ds then I can't really see any reason you have to keep having her over.

Just tell her.

CruCru · 05/05/2013 18:18

I am not sure how best to deal with this but you have my sympathy. Is it practical to only see them in a really big group?

HollyBerryBush · 05/05/2013 18:19

When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown

Sorry but I wouldn't stand for that at all - that is a total encroachment on your hospitality. She can namby-pamby her child all she likes - pick the child and her shoes up and put her in the car. Do you intervene when she has one of these melt downs? My house my rules, no screaming here.

I just would avoid all contact. Sad as you like the mother, but the child is affecting your children. Your primary concern as a parent is to protect your children (and your own sanity)

Ashoething · 05/05/2013 18:20

7 hours? I would have forced the shoes on her feet myself! I feel for your friend-I have a friend with a 2 year who is a real handful-constantly screaming if doesn't get own way,runs off,climbs everywhere. I find it draining just being around him tbh!

What about suggesting to your friend that you meet at a softplay or a park-perhaps her dd could be distracted more easily if there was more for her to do?.

ZolaBuddleia · 05/05/2013 18:21

Urgh, I'd hate that too, but I'd tell her she was making a horrible noise and to stop it.

How about you meet at the park or at soft play so it's less intense?

ZolaBuddleia · 05/05/2013 18:22

X post! Gentle discipline is all good but there comes a point when the child needs to be scooped up and dumped into the car sans shoes!

everlong · 05/05/2013 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5318008 · 05/05/2013 18:23

yy meet at a separate location, outside is best for the ear splitting screaming to be dissipated a bit

and goodness me, 7 hours

you need to be able to sort of swish overstaying guests out of the door (this takes practice in reality)

HollyBerryBush · 05/05/2013 18:23

The Ops children dislike this child. I wouldn't put my child through the trauma of a screaming banshee needlessly.

LaGuardia · 05/05/2013 18:24

If your 'friend' is on MN, I doubt you will even have to have the conversation now Smile

Isiolo · 05/05/2013 18:26

I over accomodated a difficult child and ineffective mum, when my first dc was small. Mostly because it was my first dc and I didn't know better. And I really liked the mum. I would never do it a second time. My advice is to bail out. Tell her the truth or make up excuses, whatever. Just, loose them x

Smartiepants79 · 05/05/2013 18:27

I equate gentle discipline with no smacking not with allowing them to decide if they will wear their shoes or not.
She sounds extraordinarily highly strung and a little indulged.
I think personally I would intervene but I know that doesn't sit well with everyone.
You are right, your son doesn't need this.
I think maybe you will need to explain to her and take a break for a while.
She may not take it well. It depends how honest she is being with herself about her DDs behaviour.

everlong · 05/05/2013 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SacreBlue · 05/05/2013 18:28

I didn't get as far as telling the mother of one nasty little brat who trashed my son's room on a play date - my DS escorted him into the kitchen and told her she was welcome back but not X Grin

Do tell her because that gives her a chance to either set some clearer boundaries with DD, see you on her own or flounce of in a huff that someone critiqued her PFB

My 'friend' chose the latter and having see how violent her DS became at a public event sometime later (pinned another child down and tried to strangle him) I'm very glad we parted ways when we did

Original poster
bubbagee · 05/05/2013 18:29

Thanks all. I just didn't know if I would come across as an unsympathetic cow. I'm supposed to be going to her house on Wednesday but im going to call her on Tuesday and just explain that my ds is finding it hard to cope with the meet ups.

I have honestly never met a child who is just so angry and full of absolute rage and distress. its quite disturbing to watch.

OP posts:
Bearandcub · 05/05/2013 18:31

Goodness that sounds tough. She must be exhausted! If you are friends then perhaps you need to talk to her about how things might change? You could suggest she speaks to the Health Visitor re parenting classes or ask her how she is preparing her DD to start at pre-school? How does she think they will handle these emotional outbursts? Could she make an appointment with a local nursery or pre-school and ask what they might suggest?

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 05/05/2013 18:32

I can totally understand your side of it, and no, your DS shouldn't have to feel like he has to hide under his bed to get away from it.

However - my DD was exactly as you describe. To the point where ALL my friends stopped seeing me.

No, I wouldn't have waited 7 hours to leave, most of the time - but there are and were days where I felt utterly defeated by my DD's behaviour, and I NEEDED to be around other adults for my own sanity.

Equally, it's impossible to find childcare for a DC that behaves this way, so my DD couldn't be left - childcare didn't work for her until she was 11yo!!

Sometimes spending hours round someone else's house with my screaming DD was the only way I didn't crack up completely.

I KNOW it was an imposition, but I was afraid of what I would do if I had to go back to an empty house where the screaming reverberated around my head.

I love my DD to bits, to the moon and back, but when she was 3yo, most if her SN's were undxd, and that was an awful year for me.

She is now 15, and can STILL dissolve into screams if her behaviour is not very carefully managed.

So, my verdict is YADefinitelyNBU to protect your DS, but maybe you could see her occasionally without your DS, to protect him, but with her DD to give her a sanity break!!

Isiolo · 05/05/2013 18:35

Is you know you're not going, I think its fair to give her as much notice as you can, so she has time to make other plans

mymatemax · 05/05/2013 18:42

kids go through phases, this child is going through a screaming phase, it will pass. In 6 months she may be delightful & your dc may be going through an awaful stage of hitting, biting, scratching demanding.. or any other undesirable behaviour.
Its not ideal & sounds like the Mum may be a bit wet, or ma\ybe she is exhausted dealing with it all day & is greatful for a friend to go to where she doesnt have to worry about her dd being on best behaviour.

MissLurkalot · 05/05/2013 18:51

I've distanced myself from a friend in the past few weeks.

We used to see each other as part of our NCT group when our baby's were born 2 yrs ago. Now people are back to work and busy lives , we barely meet up.. The last time was for their 1st bdays. But, I'd probably met this friend about 4 times in the last year, so we weren't very close friends.

Basically, Her 2 yr old boy hit and 'went' for my 2 yr old son at the park, about 8 separate times. He is dc3, so I am fairly easy going normally, and was.... But my little one began running away from him and I spent the rest of our park play holding him. My friend was super apologetic and would deal firmly with her boy each time, but there was no consequence and it wasnt firm enough for my liking by the 8th time!

Other people joined us in the small park and my friend got upset and asked if we could leave as she feared her boy might attack the other kids.

We talked about his anger and I offered to help maybe socialise him, going with them to toddler groups, on my own whilst my boy was at nursery.., I really felt for my friend and really wanted to help her as she was at her wits end.

She turned all offers down and just said 'I'll send him to nursery full time, as he's really good for them!' :-0

After a quick coffee, we began saying goodbye, I hugged my friend and her little boy, who she was holding hit and pinched me, bloody hard.. Looking really aggressively at me!

I decided when I got home not to meet up with them again. I did not like seeing my little boy running away bring scared if another child. I did not like her 'pass the buck' attitude, and that she was not prepared to help her son through his 'patch' or issues. And finally, I really didn't like how he looked at me after he hit and pinched me.. He worried me.

I didn't have the courage to speak to her it. I'm heavily pregnant and just didn't honestly know how to say what I wanted to say without it turning into a nasty fight.

She texted a week later to meet up, and I made excuses.
She texted saying she hasn't seem me much on Facebook, was everything ok? I'd hidden her from my newsfeed.
She texted for a group meet up and I made excuses.

I shall keep on making excuses and let the friendship fizzle out.

MissLurkalot · 05/05/2013 18:55

Hit post to soon... Basically, I wish I had the courage to speak to her, but I didn't, and still don't.
I know it's lame, but I'm happy to distance is from them instead.

I hope you get this resolved OP...

BegoniaBampot · 05/05/2013 18:57

yes fair enough if you don't want to see her but to leave it to the last moment to let her know isn't very nice.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2013 19:00

I had a friend with a DS exactly one month older than mine-the DSs just didn't get on (they were 3 yrs when they met) we just met without them-we are still friends today.

lougle · 05/05/2013 19:01

That sounds so hard. I lost count of the number of times I wrestled my DD into a buggy/car seat/carried her out under my arm. It has to be done.

I think it's a good idea to do what Couthy said, if you can. Arrange times where you can meet with her, with DD present, but your DS not present. That would be very kind.