To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

[bubbagee]

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

[Nehru]

i want an update

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

If she was a troll, wouldn't MNHQ have deleted the thread?

Might report now and see response.

[MareeyaDolores]

Maybe she was a troll....

[GingerBlondecat]

Bugger, cant pm her, everytime I click pm it shoots back up to the top of the post.

[GingerBlondecat]

OK, I will pm the OP and see if she can give us an update.

Lol, yes, I'm relentless haha

[devientenigma]

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, however I am a parent who has lost endless friends due to my DS behaviour. We are now isolated, prisoners in our own home as this is the only place DS feels safe. Yes he has sn, however regardless of the reason why we can't go out no one ever thinks to make a short visit. We have now been like this for over 3 year. I am starting to find it difficult to correspond with people even in a virtual world and find myself becoming even more of a recluse due to all that has happened. All I am saying is long term prospects.........it's not nice at all to find you have no one.

[GingerBlondecat]

Bobs up, looks around hopefully . Update Please ? Sweetie.

(((((Hugs))))

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Update?

[showtunesgirl]

Phew. Reached the end of the thread.

Did you meet up with your friend today then OP?

[Piemother]

Kansas - I'm with you on all that. I'm astonished the other mum let it drag on 7 hours.

I do feel for the little girl too. A lot of the time kids just want to know what's what and feel safe. Giving on to a strop all the time just makes them feel more anxious and will make the strops worse.
A mum who gives in to that extent is not making her feel safe or deal with big feelings.
Dd1 gets upset when we leave see here she doesn't visit with any regularity. Sometimes she howls. I tell her we will visit x again in the future and then we have to go. This happened last week and her friends dad heard me do my speel and wordlessly scooped up dd1 and plonked her in the car, said see you you cheerily and shut the door I was rather grateful!

[MareeyaDolores]

I'm angry now. Not with the OP, nor her friend, but with the people who havent offerred any relevant opinions or suggestions, but are taking umbrage with various people's attempts to help.

It's perfectly legitimate to state your view, that's different. eg, "I don't care if they have SN or not, the parent should (somehow) control their dc in other people's homes". Or even, "tell the friend to F*k off, she's obviously just a really bad parent, with a truly dreadful dc". Or (for balance ) YABU, your poor friend clearly needs help bigtime and you're the one to give it, now crack on.

[somewhereaclockisticking]

I like the idea some others are suggesting about meeting at another place. You just have to be honest with this woman and say that your DS is becoming very sensitive to her DD's demands/screaming and so it would be best for a while if you only met in a public place - if she can't handle that then that's her problem. I'm sorry but her efforts to the gentle discipline has created a monster that at some point teachers are going to have to cope with at school. It;s unpleasant for you and utterly terrifying for your DS and 7 hours at your house is just out of order (although I have had that myself!!!) Some people just won't leave and use their kids' tantrums to stay just abit longer.....!

[MareeyaDolores]

It's me that suggested OP leave her house for a short walk to the park. Not as Plan A, not as an alternative to sensible boundaries. As a last resort for someone who had repeatedly failed to make her unwanted guests leave, and had felt forced to endure them for seven hours. I guess I could have told her to physically remove them, or ring 999, but that seemed a little extreme. But go ahead, take offence at an emergency tip for use when the householder hasn't managed to assert their rights, and is scared the same will happen again.

I am not being a fluffy SN mum who wants people to simply take whatever bad behaviour my dc dish out. As it happens, the only people I know with that attitude in RL have non-SN dc. My own (autistic, hyperactive) are isolated, to avoid being stigmatised as 'naughty nuisances' whenever they have trouble coping. And I actively encouraged OP to end the friendship if she couldn't make it work for her.

[lougle]

This still going on?

It's simple. OP has the choice to try and help her friend, or to walk away.

Coming on here, trying to absolve herself of the guilt, won't change that.

Make a decision. Take action.

I hope that today's chat has helped the woman in question.

[CalamityKate]

I'm another who would bet that the hours of screaming weren't non stop.

If they had have been, surely even the most lax of parents would have bundled the child out anyway since clearly appeasement was impossible.

I bet the tantrums happened every time the exit was attempted. Interspersed with the child being appeased - basically "ok ok you win, I'll stop trying to put your shoes on now. Go back to doing what you were doing" - and the mother having a rest before girding her loins for another go.

Over and over again.

My youngest would have TOTALLY presented as SN when he was younger if I'd let him. Manys the time I've bundled him to the car under my arm while he screeched. Then the even more fun bit of trying to get him actually IN the car. Like getting an angry snake into a bag.



Anyway if I'd pussyfooted around him he'd have been perfectly capable and more than willing to delay leaving places for hours. Days even.

[Floggingmolly]

Why the assumption that the child having SN and the parent being ineffectual are mutually exclusive?
They're certainly not; and I get the impression from the op that her annoyance is not so much with the child's behaviour as the way the mum is choosing to handle it.
If singing to the child works, fine; but it clearly doesn't and she stayed in op's house through 7 hours of it not working...
Oh, and someone thinks Op should have left her own house while other mum continued to sing

[AmberLeaf]

Hazeyjane, I was wondering how she knew who had read what!

[ExRatty]

I think it must be very difficult for everyone concerned.

I feel so sorry for the OP the other mother and the children involved

Does it make a difference to what happens if you go to your friend's house?
Could you do something that both the children enjoy separately but together IYSWIM ? Painting, lego, sandpit or park. The weather is getting better so park beach forest etc might be a decent shout.

In that way the children could be playing and your friend could be getting some support but at the same time you are being aware of your son's fear and needs.

[QuintessentialOHara]

I must have missed that people suggested op leave her house.

Why should she?

[hazeyjane]

Those saying Pictish lacks empathy are wrong... She's been on the thread from the start, unlike some of you who've just read a few pages here and there

How do you know who has read the whole thread or not?!

[Isiolo]

I shant calm down fanjo thanks. This is quite emotive for me. My level of calmness is entirely my business

totally agree pie...it is the actions or inactions of the parent, that determine whether further contact is viable

[hazeyjane]

Not all nt children who have massive tantrums are necessarily brats or the result of bad parenting either, there can be all sorts of stuff going on. Why does everything have to be so black and white on AIBU.

I don't think the op does have to put up with it if she doesn't want to, I think most people have said that she can end the friendship, or find a way to keep the friendship, whilst maybe keeping their dcs apart.

[Piemother]

I know two small boys who behave to a degree like this. Whether they have sn I have no idea but possibly in my professional opinion - which is in no way a diagnosis.
They behave in a similar way bit their mothers do not.
One mum is right behind her ds and reprimands him appropriately. Sometrs removes him and often apologises to other parents. She never takes her eyes off him.
The other mum does none of these things and seems to be in denial that her child is violent. I don't leave my dc alone with this child even if his mother is present.

For me it's a trust thing. I can cope with one family because I trust the mum. It makes the melt downs less on an issue be ause my child isn't in danger.


As an aside when I first read the op I knew before I got to that bit that 'gentle discipline' was going up feature.

I would be curious about whether the 7 hours was because the mum tried to convince her to put her shoes on and just gave in if she said no. Child led and all that..

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

fgs calm down.