To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

[bubbagee]

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

[K8Middleton]

Could you imagine if singing actually worked? It would be awesome.

Hostage situation? No worries. We'll get Celine Dion in to warble the fuck out of those baddies.

Exam anxiety? No sweat. Here's three verses of The Wheels On The Bus

Suffering a bout of psychosis? You can get a soothing melody prescribed for that you know.

[Nehru]

i think the singing is not sneer worthy.

obv home is very stressful

[K8Middleton]

Dear UN, I know you're busy trying to resolve international conflict but I wondered if maybe you had tried singing?

[YouTheCat]

Send in Julie Andrews!

[lougle]

Honestly, looking back, I looked like a complete loon with DD1. I used to take a stairgate with me to my friend's house, just up the road. A stairgate.

If I visited somewhere, I had to say 'please could you lift any toothpaste, cleaners, shampoo, etc., because DD1 will empty it all out.'

I had no idea she had SN. She's at Special School now, yet I was told she was perfectly normal back then.

I have been gradually phased out of friends' lives, not because they don't care but because appropriate activities for them are not appropriate for us.

I vividly remember having to drag DD1 away from my friend's DD's birthday party because she'd gone into meltdown again.

I vividly remember the agonising embarrassment as she walked all over the beautiful blanket laid out with food. I was quick...not that quick.

I vividly remember the day she went into full meltdown on the way out of preschool, and I realised with dread, that I had my car keys in my pocket -on the same side that DD1 was held firmly at the hip, writhing and screaming. I was utterly stranded. Too dangerous to put her down, couldn't move. My friend saw me, finally, and helped me.

It's a lonely old world when your Darling doesn't do what they should.

[pictish]

I'm sure it is.

But would you stay at someone else's house for 7 hours to avoid a meltdown?
I don't think you would.

[Bobyan]

I believe that the US played nonstop Van Halen to drive General Noriega out of the embassy he hid in at the end of the US invasion of Panama.

Maybe you should try "Here I go again" next time...

[Nehru]

i htink she was there for 7 hours in total

This being understood as 7n hours to leave

i think people are being a bit shit on this thread. This mother hasnt ASKED for life to be like this.

either
a) she is beyond shit
b) the kid has some needs

either way - you need to be honest

[lougle]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't judge someone who thought they had a friend who knew what it was like to be her, and misjudged in the heat of the moment.

Would you cope with a meltdown? Perhaps she'd had 3 that day already.

Perhaps, just perhaps, this woman thought the day was going well and as her friend didn't say anything, she took refuge in that.

[Nehru]

as is sai

a bit shit

[pictish]

Well i think four hours for a visit is a looong visit, so even if it was a looong visit...that's still three hours of not fucking off home isn't it?

[Nehru]

whatever
this woman needs help. Not sneery jokes about music

[lougle]

Nehru, I wasn't told that someone thought my DD had needs, despite me struggling with her. I thought I was a) in your statement above. After I found out it was b), someone told me that they'd told a good friend that they thought DD had needs, but was told not to say anything.

Despite the fact that DD1 goes to special school; despite the fact that only 0.4% of girls get a special school place at the age she did (4 years 9 months); I still, 3 years on, have moments when I feel that I must be a fraud, that I must be making up DD1's needs, that I must be just beyond rubbish.

The damage of the pre-diagnosis phase of a child with SN on a parent's self-esteem can be horrific.

[YouTheCat]

I totally understand the meltdowns and how awful they are. I have been there and done that so many times. But you deal with it. You remove your child if they are distressed. And you try and avoid those situations that mean a guaranteed meltdown.

It's not whether the child has any SN or not though, it's the fact that the parent clearly isn't dealing with the behaviour at all that is the problem and the fact that OP's ds is upset.

[Nehru]

Yup. I agree. feeling rejected must be grim. Did you mind being told by the mate?

Its easier to laugh at the 7 hours isnt it?

[K8Middleton]

There's a definite theme. Those of us who have had that misbehaving child are embarrassed, take evasive action and usually high tail it out of there. This woman seems to have some different strategies and not seem to understand that her behaviour is odd.

I don't judge the child, I judge the parent's reaction. I would hope I was kind to another parent doing their best with a difficult child regardless of the reason for that difficulty (SEN, terrible-twos, feeling unwell, or Just Because) but I have no patience or sympathy for those that ignore or indulge bad behaviour.

[Bobyan]

^ what K8 said.

[lougle]

I was furious when I was told afterwards that someone suspected but hadn't told me.

I'd questioned so many times if there was 'something up' and was told I was neurotic (Health Visitors), that by then I'd concluded I must just be a terrible mother.

DD1 was at preschool before she was flagged. Then, luckily, 2 weeks after flagging, she fell over for no reason, so she was sent to hospital and her SN were diagnosed.

It was then that the person said 'I thought she had SN....'.

I would have done anything for someone to say 'It's not you, it's SN.'

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

"The damage of the pre-diagnosis phase of a child with SN on a parent's self-esteem can be horrific." So true. I'm still waiting on a diagnosis for my DS but even my own Father insulted my son and my parenting.

I blame myself constantly for any meltdowns and worry what people think. I'd have legged it out of there with him in a fireman's lift.

[YouTheCat]

Lougle, how would you have reacted if someone had said they thought your child had SN? I only ask because I got very very annoyed with my dad when my ds was 18months - he dared to suggest that ds was autistic. He was right. And I wish I'd taken what he said as he meant it.

[lougle]

But K8, if you think you are with a friend who understands, you might just once, think that you can let it go a bit.

It is exhausting constantly being on top of a child who has SN. Absolutely exhausting.

Even if I go to my SIL's house, who does understand, it's exhausting. She puts things up high out of reach (DD1 is 7 now), so that DD1 doesn't get them, but there's always something we/she haven't thought of.

I never sit down when I'm there with DD1. I'm constantly following her around, making sure she's safe, making sure other stuff is safe.

[tanukiton]

I would reiterate the other posters
I am guessing it sounds like an sen but hey armchair diagnosis here
Be compassionate but only give what you can give or it will turn to resentment.
Don?t put your own child in such a stressful environment
See her alone or in a neutral place such as a park so you can leave.
Talk it over with her.

Not sure if this is really relevant but might be useful to others to get them to leave and you can say you read it on the internet .

Set a timer on your phone 10 mins or 5mins before you leave ( then it?s the timers fault you gotta go not you).

Everyone put their shoes on and go for a quick walk. This means that all the bags can be in the car shoes are on and you can say goodbye outside.
The worst is you leave them in the street crying but remember shut the door and go make a cup of tea.
Count to ten
Finally, just pick them up and wrestle them while they are?planking? in the car seat :)
Oh and sometimes singing does work . I usually sing ?you can?t always get what you want ?? ( I am not being sneery it works esp if you channel jagger)

[allagory]

If you are not ready to cut off completely you could try meeting at the park instead. Screaming is not so bad in the open air. And you can always take yourself home when you want.

[YouTheCat]

I like the idea of channelling Jagger