To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

[bubbagee]

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

[YummyCalpol]

There's no way I'd put up with a child like that either. You're doing the right thing

[CreatureRetorts]

My ds gets angry but it's worse if you pander to it. Yes I cuddle etc but once he starts working himself up, best to get our.

Gentle discipline shouldn't mean no discipline. I'd still expect firm boundaries etc which I'm guessing this girl is lacking. I'm also wondering if she's picking up on something at home or is over hungry/tired or something?

Maybe you could speak to your friend in a roundabout way eg talking about how you struggle with tantrums then take it from there. Sorely she must acknowledge it at the time?!

[nethunsreject]

Yanbu at all. I try to use gentle discipline, but jesus, that's taking the piss! That's NOT gentle, it's nonexistent.

[Mumsyblouse]

Do you think there could be something wrong with this very distressed little girl? It doens't make much difference to you, of course you can't keep subjecting your child to the screaming/frightening him and it's no fun, I just wonder as it sounds so extreme to keep going for so many hours. Or perhaps she's just the toddler to beat all toddlers (I had a screamer, it is awful and you do sometimes have to remove them from the room just to save your eardrums).

[WilsonFrickett]

Have you actually said to your friend 'how are you coping with DD's behaviour, because 7 hours (really?) trying to get a child to put their shoes on, that just can't be working for you. How can I help?'

[KitchenandJumble]

I wouldn't invite them to my house for a bit. If you still want to meet up with them, maybe meet in a neutral location (as others have suggested) so you can make your escape if necessary. I don't think I'd state directly it was due to the other child, since your friend could take this as criticism of her as a mother.

Seven hours waiting for her to put her shoes on? You have much more patience than I do, OP. Under those circumstances I would have suddenly remembered an urgent appointment that meant I had to leave the house immediately, so they would also have to leave.

It does sound as though the mother is struggling to find a way to respond to her DD's misbehaviour. Does she suspect that something is going on beyond a spirited little girl who wants attention? I think it is possible to be supportive of your friend but at the same time asserting yourself a bit.

[Nehru]

Are you sure there's nothing wrong with the kid? Mate if mine was binned by a pal and it upset her a lot.

Later son was diagnosed on the spectrum

[Branleuse]

only offer to meet her at soft play or the park. Her dd will grow out of it, but just say you think neutral territory would be less stressful for the kids. Dont blame her dd.

[Tryharder]

Well, you will feel like shit if you bin her off and then find out later that her DD has SNs.

It's a hard situation though. But a little empathy and sympathy might go a long way here.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

She sounds like she very possibly has ASD if she has such an extreme reaction to leaving and gets so upset by people not following rules.

Very sad and sobering to read everyone calling the mum ineffectual and te behaviour bad.

[WafflyVersatile]

As sorry as you may feel for the mum and child you can't really be expected to put your DC through something that distresses him so much when it's not necessary.

Making you and your DC put up with that in your own home for 7 hours is not something you have to accept.

And if it turns out the child has a diagnosis you shouldn't feel any more shit than otherwise even if some here would like you to feel guilty for not liking being hostage in your own home for 7 hours.

If you can find a way to keep your friendship without your DC having to be stressed out by it all then good.

[Nehru]

i wonder if you could meet her alone and ask if you can help in some way. I need to get my mate on here to say what she wished BITCH FACE claire would have done rather than just BIN HER

[Nehru]

(This woman was utterly horrible.)

[Branleuse]

it does sound very much like ds1 before he was diagnosed with ASD.

When i just thought i must be an awful awful parent

[Branleuse]

and in all honesty, it sounds like HER dd isnt coping with these normal situations, let alone your dc

[DontmindifIdo]

Could you try going to the same toddler groups? That way there's lots of other dcs, if your ds really hates being there while this little girl is there you can leave early saying he's not enjoying the group without it being such a clear "he's not enjoying your dds company" and they normally have a fixed end time, so you know you'll be leaving in 2 hours max.

Otherwise, park meet ups would be good.

Re Wednesday, text her tonight saying something's come up and you won't be able to make it, as others have said it gives her time to invite someone else.

[Nehru]

this woman had my rl mate to stay ( a few hours drive away) and after a horrendous group trip out, let my mate go ALL THE WAY HOME sobbing, as she felt rejected and worse her kid rejected.

I just hope one day BITCH FACE claire has a problem with her kids and people turn their backs.

Not saying this is you OP, I do sympathise, but I recky there is room to Be a Lovely Mate here somehow.

[PurplePidjin]

I have a friend like this - hers is 2yo, mine 5mo. In her case, gentle discipline = completely ignoring her dc trashing my dc's toys while i hold him on my lap because it's too dangerous on the floor. In my house.

I have no issue with her dc, he is 2 and learning. The problem is that she's not teaching him. Fwiw, i do tell him not to eg: ride a large wheeled toy (given to us for when dc is older) through/into the baby's toy arch, or throw bits of tea set at the cat; and her dc thinks I'm fab (asks for stories, brings me toys so we can play together etc)

I don't know how to tackle it, because she's a truly lovely person, but you're not alone, OP! I'm going for a combination of not inviting them round, and seeing how far i can get away with disciplining her dc before she gets offended notices but as a first time mum to one tiny baby, I'm not entirely sure of my ground...

[HollyBerryBush]

Whether of not the child has a diagnosis, the fact of the matter that childs presence is upsetting/distressing another child.

I really am not in the corner of facilitating unacceptable behaviour "just in case". If my child were distressed by the presence of another person they wouldn't be in that situation again.

If the child is diagnosed with a recognised condition and steps are put in place to manage the behaviour, then the Op can look again as to whether she continues the relationship.

I come from the angle of having DS1 with SLDs and a volatile nature, DS£ being ASD.

[Geezer]

If you meet the mother without your son but with her daughter you're still going to have to suffer the behaviour. Life's too short for listening to a screaming child and an ineffective parent. You're perfectly at liberty to let the friendship go, either by gently letting it slide or telling the mother why. There's no reason to feel guilty about it.

[shoppingbagsundereyes]

I'm Nehru's RL friend who had a bad experience with a friend being very unsympathetic when my ds was behaving badly ( pre SEN ) I left a day early from a visit and, as Nehru said, drove 4 hours mostly in tears. It's grim when nobody wants anything to do with the child you love. It's also depressing when everyone else thinks their own dcs are perfect. This woman had daughters who quickly sussed that my ds was easy to wind up and spent the hours we were there doing exactly that.
However, I can understand your ds would find a whole day with a difficult child unpleasant. I would try to find a way to see your friend as adults rather than always with dcs in tow. Arrange a cinema trip or something.

[bubbagee]

I called her tonight and cancelled Tuesday. I said I was feeling under the weather...I'm going to think about what I am going to say to her about meeting up generally.

I think half the problem is that her dd gets her own way all of the time. My friend is clearly taking the path of least resistance because its easier than having the battles. I get that I really do, it is obviously knackering her having such a highly strung demanding child, but at the root of it, I think her dd is desperate is desperate for boundaries.

[Nehru]

I am feeling a little sad.
she was a beatch though
does hand flicky thing

[borisjohnsonshair]

I had a similar problem when my DS was about 3. My friend's DS would constantly push him around, pinch him, scratch him, jump on the furniture ... anything to gain attention because his mother was talking to me. In the end I just made excuses and didn't invite them over or go there any more. It was sad to lose her as a friend but I couldn't put DS through the torture every time.