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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

196 replies

PorkPieandPickle · 14/04/2013 22:44

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

OP posts:
QOD · 14/04/2013 22:49

Ive had fertility treatment, it's all encompassing FOR YOU. I think you're both at fault to be fair.
I had to see babies coming here there and everywhere and clench my jaw and cry later. That's life.

You've both acted unfairly, forget about this particular thing and look at the friendship as a whole.

poglol · 14/04/2013 22:49

You are NOT being unreasonable! Unfortunately those who have been blessed with an easy ride regarding having a family don't seem to get that it can be so emotional for others and as you explained IT WASN'T PERSONAL. She has made it personal.

Just ignore her. I'm sure you have many other lovely friends.

HollyBerryBush · 14/04/2013 22:49

WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

Do you think she needs an explanation?

I absolutely would not enter into text-tennis. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. And block her number.

LindyHemming · 14/04/2013 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 14/04/2013 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle · 14/04/2013 22:54

I think you have both been through life-changing events and now is not the time to decide on the future of your friendship.

I can completely understand your feelings about the IVF and not wanting to see a new baby, but can you understand that for your friend, the fact that you didn't want to see her precious new baby must have been very hurtful also?

pigletmania · 14/04/2013 22:55

I really think that you hav to place yourself in her position and see how your coming across. I feel that you both have been at fault here, and it depends how much you value the friendship. If you don't want to than just accept her apology and distance yourself, if you do still want to be friends you need to forgive her and work on your friendship and meet her dd

SirBoobAlot · 14/04/2013 22:55

YANBU. What she said would have permanently damaged any friendship for me.

Congratulations, and best of luck for the future :)

Original poster
PorkPieandPickle · 14/04/2013 22:58

thank you for v quick responses! I realise that i didn't make it very clear that the lack of seeing her DD wasn't just emotional it was also physical; I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome), and was not really feeling like socialising physically. maybe if it was just her DD, but her 2yo DS running all over was not something i could cope with.
we mainly communicate by text, and i had stated by text that i didn't physically feel up to meeting her DD, and she took that to mean i didn't want to, i didn't say that - although perhaps some of you have a point that it was easy to take that way.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 14/04/2013 22:59

Firstly Congrats on yr positive news Thanks
I think taking a big old leap away from her for now would be best. Time may heal. Or not.
You were both wrapped up in your own lives. Understandable but she was pretty harsh.

GypsyTart · 14/04/2013 22:59

YABU.
No question.
If I really, really need to explain ... this isn't about you. Your friend has just managed to make a new person. It is the biggest thing in her life. It will change absolutely everything for her, good and bad, forever. And either you care about her and her LO or you don't.
You get what you give. Try and be generous and go and meet your friend's child. Get over yourself.

CSIJanner · 14/04/2013 22:59

Even if you were wanting quiet time for you& DH during IVF, her text was awful. Even if she is all PFB or possibly suffering from PND as examples, it sounds like she has no empathy for what you were going through and that the friendship has been drifting for a while (wedding day). Can you forget or forgive her words? If no, then block her number and concentrate on you. And congrats!

Goldmandra · 14/04/2013 23:00

I have walked away from what I thought were some good friendships since my DDs were diagnosed with additional needs. I have had to prioritise their needs and fighting for school provision has dominated my life in ways I would never have believed.

Some friends can't accept that I can't just sort a babysitter and go out in the evening at short notice or suddenly decide to change plans at the last minute to go out for an impromptu day out. Neither do they feel able to let me rant now and then about the awful behaviour from school staff and LA staff which makes our lives so much more difficult than it has to be.

Sometimes it is better just to move on because when you have something like this taking up all your energy you don't have any spare to use for trying to get others to understand.

A good friend would put herself in your shoes and try to imagine how it would feel to go and coo over someone else's baby when you are so desperate for your own. She isn't a good friend.

MintyyAeroEgg · 14/04/2013 23:00

Just reply saying you can't forgive her for saying that she pitied your future child and criticising you for marrying a man with fertility problems. You could do it in an email or letter, if you feel a text is too impersonal.

If you do either of those then you might have ended a friendship, but it won't have been without explanation.

NotYoMomma · 14/04/2013 23:00

Firstly... congratulations!

But.....
have you actually met her dd?
I can sadly see both points of view. She tried to reach out a few times then was blanked, and was probably hurting that an old friend hadn't bothered to see her baby, or make an effort.

If you had still been friends and you have your child and say are you coming over, and then can we come and see you and got refused both times would you not be hurt.

You can't say to her the world doesn't revolve around her when you seem to have made it revolve around you iyswim?

Otoh, she was bang out of order for what she said. A least she apologised I suppose but I It's on going (ie your wedding) I too would doubt the sincerity. From your posts though it does sound as though any effort since your wedding has been initiated by her and not you, and may have caused a build up of resentment and hurt.

Tough one

makingitin2012 · 14/04/2013 23:02

I am sorry for your IVF journey, my best friend went through it, so I do sympathise, as much as I can. But, your friend of 12 years has a baby, and you can't meet the baby? I genuinely don't mean to hurt you as I know you're reeling from the IVF, but I really find that a wow. I have (and had) every sympathy for my best friend, and tried to do every thing I could to help and listen, but I would have been truly upset if she couldn't have met my baby. Sorry.

IYoniWantToBeWithYou · 14/04/2013 23:03

Congratulations on your pregnancy Thanks

If I were you I wouldn't bother with her ever again. I am a 1 strike and you're out sort of person though and I have a pretty unforgiving nature. Life is too short to spend around toxic people imo.

Fudgemallowdelight · 14/04/2013 23:03

she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

F'ing Hell! I don't blame you for wanting to end the friendship. Shock
And I don't blame you for not feeling able to meet their dd when going through IVF. Bloody hell. What an awful thing to write!!!

pigletmania · 14/04/2013 23:04

I totally agree notyo, that's what I am seeing

Cherriesarelovely · 14/04/2013 23:05

Jeez, she responded like that because you hadn't felt up to meeting up for what, 3 weeks?? Sometimes I don't/ can 't see some of my closest friends for months at a time but I still don't behave like that.

Agree with others that you are both coping with intense situations but she must be incredibly naive not to realise that fertility treatment is stressful! Come on!

See how you feel as time goes on. Mostly though, focus on you and your pregnancy.....lovely news!

Cherriesarelovely · 14/04/2013 23:06

Actually, having re read the details of her outburst, including the bits about you being a bad mum if you can't even cope with IVF...well, there would be no going back for me. What a cow!

kennyp · 14/04/2013 23:07

She sounds a bit precious imo.
If she cant empathise with your going through ivf then you sound better off without. I wouldnt bother contacting her at all. Let her get on with it.

Congratulations on the pregnancy :):):):):)

BrandiBroke · 14/04/2013 23:10

I think you're being a bit precious to be honest.

I have been trying to conceive for over 2 years and am currently trying to persuade my husband to go to the doctor as he is not keen to go for tests to see why it hasn't happened for us. All I've ever wanted is to be a mother and it does make me insanely jealous when other people have babies.

But, that's my problem, not theirs, and I love seeing their babies and congratulating them. Them being able to have a baby has nothing to do with me not having one, and my problems are not their fault.

She shouldn't have said what she said, but you have greatly upset her by refusing to see her child.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/04/2013 23:10

I can see both sides of this as well. It will have been very hurtful to her that you didn't want to meet her dd, for whatever reason. You have been going though a difficult time and have needed to put yourself first, which is understandable, but it will have still hurt her just as much that you haven't shown interest in her children after a long and close friendship, even if there were a couple of minor bumps recently prior.

Your IVF issues will have been the biggest thing in the world to you, her babies will have been the biggest thing in the world to her. You have been no more concerned about her life than she has been about yours.

She did say some horrible things, but to her, you have already done horrible things.

You need to decide if you want the friendship or not. If you don't, then that's up to you, but I think it would be very unkind of you to give no explanation at all.

thermalsinapril · 14/04/2013 23:13

YANBU at all. Fine for a friend to hope you'll feel up to visiting them with their new baby. But expecting it, when she was aware of what you are going through, is a different matter altogether. I wonder how she'd have behaved if the boot was on the other foot.