WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

"i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding."
So Amy would have been up to six months pregnant at this point, no possibility of feeling hurt because OP wasn't cooing over her yet-to-arrive DD. Anybody care to excuse Amy's behaviour over OP's wedding?

Maybe, just maybe, Amy's nastiness to OP - and boy, was it ever nasty - is longer-standing than the birth of her DD, but OP was too distracted to notice.

I have to say I'm quite surprised at some of the comments I've read on this thread.

Hmmm... a difficult one. She apologised and it sounds like she meant it. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, in your shoes. Maybe she's going through some difficulties herself that you are unaware of... All the best with the pregnancy.

OP Rereading the awful text she sent about how you wouldn't cope with motherhood if you couldn't cope with IVF, it's finally come to me what it reminded me of:

The "Woe is Mom" submissions on "STFUparents"!

She may well be going through issues that are making things hard for her (although I still think that even if that's the case, as someone who's been through both difficult early-motherhood as well as conception problems , I know when i needed the most understanding and support from others and it wasn't the one where when all was said and done i nevertheless had a gorgeous squishy baby), OR she may just be the type who can't see beyond any problem but her own.

Too much texting and built up resentment/stress on both sides I fear, although Amy's (albeit hastily withdrawn and apologised for) comments were simply awful...

I think each of you has had a lot on your plates. The thing is, you both have had great things happen to each of you in the last few months...

If you think the friendship is repairable, don't text, speak to each other. Either give her a call or pop round the house with a gift for baby and a ma-hoosive box of chocs and some tea bags and say what about it. You'll soon know if this friendship has legs- and I think it's worth the risk (of being upset if it isn't!!) as you could share happy stuff going forward.

I had a friend and their DP who went a bit nuts in similar circumstances and said quite a lot of evil stuff via email (not txt, shows how old I am!) and I blanked them. Had they apologised I'm sure I'd have given a second chance...

Good luck x

If you said to me you were struggling with IVF it wouldn't really mean anything, I couldn't comprehend exactly what you are going though and ohss means nothing to me so what i would see would be a friend who couldn't be bothered and it would hurt ok no way on earth i would send that text but i would be hurt.

If you choose to end the friendship then you owe her no explanation and she wouldn't need one but it is worth taking time to think things through first.

I feel for you PorkPie. You've had a very rough time. Congratulations about your DD! It's wonderful it is all going well now.

Your friend sounds quite selfish. What she wrote in the text was horrible. It sounds like she was really offended that you didn't visit and then you told her the world didn't revolve around her, which must have stung, so she immediately hit back with the big guns and then regretted it.

If you choose to end the friendship, she'll know why. Only you know if it's worth saving. It sounds like she's been immersed in thinking about her new baby whilst you've been immersed in dealing with IVF so you've both had important things to focus on, but I entirely understand that someone going through IVF may not want to see someone's new baby and I think she's being selfish for not understanding that.

If she cant empathise with your going through ivf then you sound better off without. I wouldnt bother contacting her at all. Let her get on with it.

See sometimes if you've never experienced something first-hand then yes you can show and express empathy - but you might not understand just how emotionally and physically draining it can be.

To be honest, I don't think you've been a particularly good friend. I can see why she would be really hurt because you didn't want to meet up with her and her newborn. It sounds like she was making all the effort, including asking after your IVF journey, and you might find that she's no longer interested in being your friend either.

Yabu as is she. Having suffered infertility myself I know how awful it is to go see friends new babies, much as I loved cuddling new babies, it would upset me for days, precisely because they are so precious and lovely and snuggly, and that was all I wanted at that point in time and I didnt think it would ever happen. Also with the ivf, it is hard work physically and emotionally, which most people don't understand unless they have been through it themselves, or have been close to someone who has.
On the other hand, having had a new baby, I know how vulnerable and emotional that can make you, and someone whom you care about not bothering to visit and see this marvellous new bundle who is the centre of your world can also be very hurtful.
I think if you want to keep the friendship you both need to have an honest chat about how things have been for you recently, if you really do care about each others feelings, then expressing them to each other will bridge the gap. Re the nasty comment, hard as it is try not to take it to heart, hormones can make you do and say things you regret later (as she clearly does) and she was probably very hurt and lashed out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I think if you and "Amy" communicated via a phone conversation more often rather than texting, this may have been easier to work out.
I can see why she would feel hurt you didn't go visit the baby yet, but her outburst was not very kind, to put it mildly.
I'd suggest accepting her apology, and just have time away from her for a while. Sometimes friendships go sour, but if there is a good friendship at the bottom of it perhaps you can have a talk and work it out later on? I am a bit curious as to what she said on your wedding day that upset you?
Right now you both have a lot of stuff going on that could cause crankiness and happiness, I would let the hormones settle down, and since you are newly pregnant, and she is newly postpartum, it may be a while.

Good luck, I hope everything works out.

OP - you need to tell you friend exactly this.

I know I hurt her. In an ideal world i would have rushed to meet DD. But it was not intentional, I genuinely didnt feel up to it, and I kind of thought if DD was 5/6 wks old before I met her it wouldn't matter :S is it th done thing to meet baby within 4 wks then? (I am inexperienced with friends babies) I did meet her DS at about 3/4 weeks.

Having children changes the dynamic in a friendship (you describe this when your friend had her first child). It can sometimes be very difficult to transition from pre-children friends to post children friends, even MORE so when you add the awfully stressful component of one half of the friendship unable to conceive naturally and having to go through IVF.

This situation is the sum of the parts. I sense you are feeling very bad and I am almost sure your friend will be too. If it's worth it to you - why don't you extend an olive branch and go for a coffee or even better a wine. Explain how you feel, how much she has hurt you and how sorry you are. You might be surprised that once you mutually clear the air, your friendship might be stronger than ever. If not, then at least you tried and did so in person.

Just my ten penneth worth.

I think there has been fault on both sides. Having spent 7 years on the IVF roundabout, I know how all encompassing it can become in your life. But it's important to try and keep a hold on the 'normal' or you do tend to lose yourself in it. Does your IVF clinic have a counsellor on staff that you can access? It may be helpful for you to have a debrief about what you have gone through. People who haven't had trouble conceiving don't realise how much it takes out of you, but that's not their fault, just as it isn't your fault that you don't understand what impact having a newborn can have on your life. Friendship works both ways. She should be there for you, but also you need to be there for her while her life is undergoing some major changes.

It sounds like she has offered to visit with you, so it shows she does realise that it's difficult for you to get out right now, so your rejection of that offer could be construed as a rejection of her and her friendship. Did you do anything to acknowledge her daughter's birth? A bunch of flowers delivered would have taken you just a few minutes to order with a card saying that you're not well right now and look forward to meeting her soon would probably have gone a long way.

Think about things now that you are pregnant yourself. Would you want her treating you the same way you have treated her? Sometimes it can be helpful to write the AIBU from the other person point of view and think about how you would respond if a stranger was asking it on the internet.

What she said was absolutely horrible, but it sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back if your relationship has been in difficulties for some time. Sometimes, friendships just run their course and people move in different directions. If you want to salvage this friendship, then I think it's time to stop texting and start talking.

I think you'll regret it if you break it off. She did text some horrible things but I strongly suspect you haven't posted your own texts word for word. And for her part, she's tried to apologise.

You've been friends for ages, sounds like there's lots of hurt feelings at the moment but when that simmers down I think you would be very sad to have abandoned a friendship that meant so much to you.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

I'd say however, you are both unreasonable. She said some terrible things but I do think she made an effort and got knocked back too much.
FWIW I do understand your point, I lost my newborn the day he was born 4 months ago and since then 2 of my best friends have had babies. It kills me to see them but I still make the effort because that's what friends do.

A big part of it though is I also want to know the babies, I would be questioning the friendships if I didn't, so perhaps like you say the relationship was in decline anyway in which case take a step back as others have said.

Given that OHSS has been fatal in some cases, I think a few of the responses on this thread have been very insensitive and are clearly from people with no understanding of IVF.
She sounds more like a child trying to get attention and I personally don't think I need that in a friendship.

Putting myself in Amy's shoes for a second...

Your IVF start to positive result journey was 2 months, which seems fairly quick and painless (to the uninformed at least). You knew from the start that usual conception methods would not work so no years of agonising trying/guessing/wondering.

While you were physically not well, Amy offered to visit you in your home and you still said no, after your positive result so not the same emotional draw. This seems like a major snub. Would she have been able to leave 2 year old at home?

The fact Amy says ivf won't prepare you for motherhood suggests she's finding it pretty tough so far. I'd imagine with a toddler and newborn she is quite stressed.

Now none of that excuses her meanness in that text but perhaps goes some way to explaining it.

What you're friend wrote was horrible. It makes me wonder if there was more to it. Do you think she could be really struggling and desperate for the help and of her best friend? Sometimes there are things you just can't discuss with your family or dp... Going from one to two children can be quite a shock!

Maybe arrange to meet up and talk it through?

Hello and congratulations PorkPie. What were the comments Amy upset you with during the planning of your wedding and on your wedding morning? Has your friendship been all plain sailing before your wedding or is she prone to nasty outbursts?.

I'd be quite happy to totally fuck her off after what she's said, she sounds toxic.

" unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them."

That is pretty harsh though.

Apologies I haven read the full thread but wanted to share and comment.
I'm 24+6 with DC1 and my best friend of 15+ years has been struggling with fertility issues for >8 years. I knew my ttc and then PG would be hard for her so tried very hard to give her space. I haven't seen her since before my BFP and while I understand its hard for her it's really hurtful. If DD arrives and she's still finding it too hard I may have to cut the ties cos it hurts to think my best friend can't be there for me and makes it feel very one sided.

I understand your position is painful and there are physical and emotional sides to this but if you value the 12 years of friendship you'd make an effort to see her and DD somehow. If, on the other hand, you've drifted and no longer want her in your life then cut it away and move on.
Sadly, you're not blameless in this. You're not BU either, her text was way out of line.
Congrats on the BFP and good luck.

YANBU to end the friendship. It sounds as if neither of you have been particularly supportive of the other, both have different things going on in your lives and have gone your seperate ways. The fact you have only been communicating by text and not spoken to each other makes me think that maybe the friendship is more about history than the here and now. If you are just hurting each other, I don't see any point in continuing the friendship, both of you need people in your lives who will make you feel good about yourself.

Bootsycollins. In the lead up to the wedding she made it very difficult to go shopping for accessories, shoes etc (for her) and said I was being ridiculous when she still hadn't found a date to come shopping 3 wks before the wedding. She criticised out colour scheme, was uncomplimentary of my dress (after it was chosen), and generally gave the impression that we were going to too much bother (you don't need flowers, you don't need order of service, that type of comment)
She criticised the manicure I paid for her to have, and the spa hotel we stayed at the night before. She said it was OTT that we had a wedding car (she had a v small wedding herself, but we didn't). She had previously said that DH was too old to have more kids and that we haven't got a clue how our lives will change and that a big wedding was ridiculous and we should have got on with IVF before DH got any older. On the morning of my wedding I overheard her telling te hairdresser that she didn't agree with second marriages. (DH was divorced).

Lougle, I agree, it was harsh. But I felt that a series of texts telling her how ill I felt and how I wished I could meet her DD but wasn't well enough had been ignored, I was probably wrong to overreact.

All those who have mentioned text, it is not my preferred method of com. But it is Amy's. Whoever suggested I was criticising her for that, I wasn't, she genuinely prefers text as phone calls at te wrong time (bath time,
Feed time) are annoying she prefers to sit and respon to a text at ET convenience when toddler is occupied elsewhere.

Thanks. Off to work, may not be able to answer any more questions till tonight.

Agree with ivana- Amy sounds desperate to see you and lashed out (inexcusably) when you repeatedly snubbed her. I understand why you didn't feel able to see her, but does she? She obviously cares about the friendship or she wouldn't have been so bothered.

just read your latest post, OP. Is this really as one-sided as you suggest or would Amy think that there are just as many incidents of you being rude to her? Because either you're a real martyr to put up with her, or you're not telling us everything.