WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

I think it was incredibly unfortunate timing, meaning that either party wasn't able to support the other one, but I think that Amy said some extra nasty things that would mean I couldn't forgive her. She may well have been hurt that you weren't able to see her baby but she has no right to accuse you or being over-dramatic or not entitled to find IVF all-consuming (I am speaking as someone who has had IUI treatments).

SO, YANBU and I would just lose the friendship. I had a (less close) friend ream me out on FB because I had not replied to messages of hers during my PND (which she didn't know about and which made me find keeping contact up with people very difficult). I saw the other day she had deleted me and I'm just letting it go, it was poor timing and if she was worth it she would not have assumed the worst of me.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable to let this friendship go if you feel that's what you want to do.

I've never had IVF, and I don't really know a great deal about it, but I can imagine at least a little of how it must make you feel both physically and emotionally. The description someone posted of the condition you suffered from sounds horrific.

Before we had our DS we lost two babies, both after 20 weeks. Our son was stillborn and eleven months later we had a premature daughter who died shortly after she was born. I was very ill during that loss, and at one point the doctors were preparing my family for my death as well as our daughters death. She died following a car accident so I had injuries from that plus an infection that developed as a result. I'd been subjected to a couple of operations to try and save us both, then treatment to save me, given birth and watched her die and then continued to need treatment for a long time afterwards. For over a week following her birth I couldn't walk or even stand up without help.

During the same year that we lost both our babies, SIL was pregnant with her fourth child, and their third was still a toddler. It was very hard, seeing pictures of their son, knowing they were expecting a daughter. Their little girl was born six weeks after ours died, and one day after what would have been our sons first birthday had he survived.

I was far too ill to travel to go and see their new baby, and would have been too upset to cope even if they had come to us. They were very good about it, and we finally met her when she was four months old.

It's not something you chose to feel, or want to feel, and I'm grateful that my SIL had enough empathy to at least try to imagine how we felt after losing two children so close together and understand that we needed time before we met our new niece and allow us that time to physically and mentally recover enough so that our first meeting was a mostly happy one rather than an exhausted, physically draining and mostly unhappy one that we were not prepared for and unable to cope with either physically or emotionally.

Sorry, I meant to say she was born prematurely following a car accident, not that she died after it.

I was pregnant and injured in the accident and although they at first tried to prevent it, my injuries caused me to eventually go into premature labour and an infection reached my placenta. She was born too early to survive outside the womb and the infection put my life at risk and they told my family to prepare themselves for my death as well as I wasn't responding to treatment at first.

Sarah I'm so sorry you lost your children and went through such awful trauma, I hope you are doing ok.

YANBU OP. I had mild OHSS during a fresh cycle and felt awful - I was waddling around looking like I was 8 months pregnant, I struggled to walk, had a raging thirst, was exhausted, as off sick.

I also don't get this "You must see my baby NOW!" attitude either. I particularly resented it from one of my friends after my first IVF ended in a miscarriage.

I think if your friend had an ounce of sensitivity she would have been a bit more patient in the first place, and her text was awful. I'd delete her and move on, she sounds like a complete cow.

"You must see my baby NOW!" = the person thought the world revolved around them before their baby...

Firstly, and most importantly, congratulations !

Then ... Wasn't it Bob Marley who sang about "good friends we've had, good friends we've lost, along the way" - sometimes friends are only for a season. Our lives change and our paths go separate ways - and sometimes we realise someone wasn't as nice as we thought, or we realise it's become a very one sided friendship.
I think the things she said on the day you found out you were pregnant were fairly unforgivable.
I do agree with others that I probably would have tried to see her and her DC's. But then I haven't been in your shoes, and you did say it wasn't only an emotional thing, but would have been too physically exhausting too.

You could always just keep things going tenuously, see how she behaves, and possibly meet up after a while when your baby is born. Your lives may naturally converge again at that point, depending how you both feel about the recent water under the bridge

I'm so sorry for your losses Sarah

for the pregnant OP!

Had a similar situation, friend and I TTC at same time, friend got pregnant before me, suddenly didn't want to know me. I kept asking for her but I think she was uncomfortable around me because maybe we had nothing in common now.I found out from her DH accidently she was going out with others girls who were expecting too.There were other issues eg. she was selfish on several occasions. When eventually I became pregnant I had a random call out of the blue, it had been so long, say 2 years that I didn't even recognise her voice on the phone!

She invited me up to her house to meet her little DS and thought I would accept her back as her friend. I said I would think about it. She was most put out. I didn't bother.

I was so hurt that she blanked me for the best part of 2 years I felt no affection or loss of a friend at all. And still to this day, I feel the same, 18 yrs later.

Completely agree with what Cleo said.

Sorry for your losses, Sarah .

Ironically, when you both have kids running around you may be in a better place to spend time together. But the text she sent was horrible, and there was no need for that. I think you could say to her something that would leave the door open for you to meet again further down the line, but I also wouldn't blame you for closing the door on the friendship.

I had a very upsetting end to a friendship last year which came from an awful response to something by a long-standing friend. I never would have believed it possible, but have been starting to come to terms with the fact that sometimes people change and simply aren't who you thought they were, or who you've known them to be, anymore. This may be the case with you.

Thanks everyone.

OP I hope you feel reassured today that the way you feel is not unreasonable and that your friend has behaved very hurtfully towards you.

You were going through an experience it seems she hasn't even tried to imagine or consider how hard it must be for you.

While she was going through an experience you were longing for and trying so hard to achieve that your physical health and emotional wellbeing were taking a battering.

Only you can really say how you feel about her angry messages and her apology. And it might take time for you to decide. My MIL was awful after we lost our babies, and apologies have been a long time coming and not sincerely given. I no longer see her because of her nasty comments and behaviour and as a result she doesn't see DS at all and sees very little of DH.

I'd suggest giving yourself time so you know how you feel before you reply or make a decision.

hairtearing, do you really think that 4 weeks is 'such a long time'? gosh, i really do find that i'm learning people are very intolerant of tardiness in meeting a newborn! i imagine that i would actually prefer to have 3/4 weeks to myself to get used to things before i have strings of visitors!

to everyone else who posted supportive messages since my update, thank you, i do feel reassured, and i really do believe i'm doing the right thing in putting an end to this friendship. although as whereyouleftit said, i think Amy ended it some time ago. jugglingfromheretothere, you sum it with the Bob Marley song very well!!

i can't forgive her for her toxic words, and don't think i want to. i have other friends, and other friends who are mums. i actually think i would rather have no friends than keep her!!

particular thanks to cleopatrasasp for support throughout the thread, and sarah, thank you for sharing your tragic story, and truly hope that you are recovering from your sad losses. a hug from me too.

thanks once again to all x

she said some unforgivable things , i would never forgive some of those comments ,you dont need (friends) like that in your life , congratulations on your news and just ignore her from now on

"So postponing seeing a newborn for 4/5 weeks when you are in the middle of the physical and mental effects of IVF is self-absorbed, but demanding that a friend in the middle of IVF drops everything to meet your newborn within a timeframe acceptable to you isn't. Some people on this thread have seriously strange ideas about what constitutes self-absorption, it seems having a new baby makes unreasonable and frankly nasty behaviour acceptable, but those struggling with infertility should stop making everyone else uncomfortable and put on a brave face at all times or risk the wrath of mothers everywhere for being 'selfish'. Oh, and it's all the OP's fault anyway as she wilfully fell in love with a man who had had a vasectomy so she clearly deserves all the heartache she gets."

This sums it up so well!!! Its spot on!

That must be really hard for you. Love ones around are a good thing especially in times you really needed support, love and care. I experienced a fight with my best friend before. He was so mad at me for a very unimportant event that happened. It came to the point where he blocked me in facebook, texted me words that can hurt you upto your bone marrows. I felt really sad and mad as well. But in spite of all these short coming we had in our friendship. I know that soon we'll get along again and talk about what really happened. I was sharing this to an older friend of mine and she shared something about a book "The Love Magic System" by Alice Audrin (you can see it: lovemagicsystem dot com). I was curious about the book so she let me borrowed hers. It contains instruction to gain love back and heal bending hearts. I can't explain how it works but it does. Now, me and my best friend are getting in touch with each other. We are not perfect people. We just have to admit that we make mistakes, and we are a work in progress.

I really hope you and your BF will soon realize that life's too short to have these arguments and stuff. There's always a time for everything though. :)

I agree with the quote that crapbag posted. Sorry not sure who originally posted it but i totally agree with it.

"So postponing seeing a newborn for 4/5 weeks when you are in the middle of the physical and mental effects of IVF is self-absorbed, but demanding that a friend in the middle of IVF drops everything to meet your newborn within a timeframe acceptable to you isn't. Some people on this thread have seriously strange ideas about what constitutes self-absorption, it seems having a new baby makes unreasonable and frankly nasty behaviour acceptable, but those struggling with infertility should stop making everyone else uncomfortable and put on a brave face at all times or risk the wrath of mothers everywhere for being 'selfish

I think they key difference is that the op hasnt been struggling on and on, her husband has a vasectomy and they have managed to conceived on the first cycle and after less than 2 months.
Tbh it sounds like you have been pushing her away over the last few years and she got upset after you had previously in your own words lived in each others pockets. Sounds like after she got pregnant and married you didn't want to know.

I think you were bu to not meet her child and to push her away for so long and yet still expect her to be there once you felt you could manage it. You could have visited her when her dd was born and still shared with her your difficult feelings about ttc and that would have kept the friendship on side. As it is you alienated her and are now cross that she's named it. It doesn't sound like you've been a good friend to her. She has said some awful things which would seal the deal for me but I do think you were precious, it's not always easy having a small baby either. It sounds like you were both self-absorbed but she said the nastiest things....sounds about 12 years old.

So managing to conceive on the first cycle means it was all plain sailing and straight forward then? You clearly have no experience of IVF.

The 'friend' was a tosser to the OP over her wedding, doesn't sound like the OP didn't want to know her friend at all, sounds like she has turned (or always was) into a self absorbed cow tbh.

OP was in physical pain as well as struggling emotionally. It shouldn't matter how long she has been 'struggling', if she was finding things hard to cope with then it doesn't all go away in an instant.

And a positive result can still come as a shock when it's unexpected or when you think it's not going to happen. And it takes time to adjust to that even if you really wanted a baby and were trying for one, especially if you are also feeling ill and in pain, as the OP was.

OP I didn't say before but my cousin has been told she is unlikely to conceive without IVF. She doesn't live near me, and if she has had IVF she has never said so, she prefers to keep things like this private.

She knows we lost two of our babies and when we finally had DS she didn't see him until he was one and a half. It did hurt, because I wanted her to meet him, especially after our losses. But I understood that it had to be in her own time and it doesn't matter how long that took if it was what she needed.

We'd always said we would get married and have children at the same time when we were younger. Neither of us expected her to have problems or me to lose babies. So I do understand how hard it must be for her, even though she is happy for me and knows what we went through, to come and see us with our baby when it hasn't happened for her yet.

Especially if she has tried IVF and it has failed. I wish she would talk to me about it but I also respect that she might not want to. When she does see DS she is fantastic with him, but he's four now and I think it's also hard for her to see him growing up while she still hasn't had a baby, and I know she will also be remembering our plans to have children together so they could grow up close like we did, and feeling sad that it hasn't happened that way.

I still think your friend was being unreasonable. Have you had any contact with her since the messages and posting on here?