WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

Just like to add that although I personally have never heard of OHSS, if it would have been a barrier (physically) to seeing the newborn, why not explain to your BF exactly why. I wouldn't have minded at all if a friend hadn't visited because of something that could potentially have made her ill or stopped her from conceiving etc.

It is possible that the friend didn't understand the physical aspect of this.

Knife in the gut - behave! I can't imagine not being able to celebrate a new baby. It takes self-absorbed to a special level. It's lovely to meet a newbie. From experience, you can't remove yourself from the usual kindnesses and ordinary behaviours and then expect just that yourself. Concieve and it may well be lonely and having a new baby is proper hard work. You need your friends around you. You having a baby is important. Her having a baby is just as important.

Congratulations.

But Yabu. Agree with Gypsytart.

You snubbed her repeatedly, without really explaining anything. You have refused to meet her daughter, the most important person in the world to her.

One of my good friends have been on the IVF journey for 5 years, with little success. She is very keen to meet, to visit, and see my DC. You sound a bit self absorbed and martyred.

YANBU.

Regardless of whether or not you were being U in avoiding seeing her (and I don't think you were - you were v honest) what she wrote to you was unforgivable; it really disgusted me to read it.

I could not have someone in my life who had spoken to me with such malice, such intention to wound.

I am struggling to answer on my phone now more pages!

Summerblaze, yes I had made it clear. I haven't detailed all the texts we exchanged (about 12-15 over a 3 week period) but yes I had told her that I was off work sick, unable to drive and struggling to get up/down stairs.

I feel from the several responses that IBU perhaps the fraught few months prior to this period are clouding my judgement; perhaps I am more seeing the bad in her than people who don't know the history.

But there does seem to be a general divide in IABU/IANBU- genuinely wondering if it is dependant on whether some posters have been through IVF and has knowledge of OHSS?

Re being in her position, I really hope that when my own PFB is born that my loved ones will flock to see him/her. I would like to think i am an understanding person , but maybe I won't understand anyone that doesn't want to- I guess I won't know until it happens- maybe I will eat my words?!

And in the hierarchy of who should make allowances for who, fertility issues come before the delights and stress of a new baby.

Fertility problems can cause untold distress. True, having a new baby can be very hard if there is PND - or just anyway, because its such a life-changer - but the onus to be sensitive falls on the new parent in this situation.

When I had my first DS a close friend had recently divorced after years of fertility problems. She told me quite openly that she didn't feel able to visit and I accepted it completely. She came to see us when DS was about six months old. And that was fine. Because I didn't want to upset her.

I recognised that although I would have loved her support (after a horribly hard birth experience) and for her to celebrate my new beautiful DS, it would have been too painful for her.

I don't blame your friend for wishing you were able to meet her baby, and having feelings about it - what she did and said were unforgivable though.

And it was only a couple of weeks or so! What if you had a broken leg instead of OHSS? Would she have expected you to drag yourself out and run around her? Sounds like it.

Minty I think you're right. It really beggars belief that people would accuse someone struggling - physically and mentally - with IVF of being self-absorbed but not see that someone believing that their daughter is the be-all-and-end-all and must be met within a particular timeframe is not. If the friend had been 'struggling' with new motherhood or had PND surely she would have mentioned this? As she did not (and she doesn't seem unable to express herself as the vitriolic text demonstrates) I think we can safely assume that perhaps she is just a selfish mare.

Congratulations OP :)

But oh dear. This is exactly why texting is shit.

If you'd been talking on the phone, you might have heard the 'hurt' in her voice that you weren't up to seeing her new baby just yet, and would quickly have been able to reassure her that it wasn't personal and she might have grasped more quickly how hard and all consuming your IVF has been.

You have both been in the thick of the most overwhelming and all consuming life changers - IVF and birth of a child. It's hard to see out beyond either of those things and your worlds collided at exactly the wrong time.

Call her once more and speak to her (DON'T TEXT!) and if that doesn't fix it, walk away.

Good luck with the pregnancy

OK, for those of you who haven't come across Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome, it's when your body gets massively over-excited about the IVF drugs and produces a LOT of eggs at once. Your body is designed to cope to cope with one or two eggs a month. So you may be able to imagine what a couple of dozen stuffed into a small part of your body feels like. You get strong abdominal pain, potentially walking about at least partially doubled over.

As you have had all the IVF info, you will be aware that it is also a potentially life-threatening condition. So you tell your doctor and until he or she tells you you can stop, you have to continue injecting yourself twice a day with a cocktail of drugs that make it even worse, knowing that it will have that effect. You desperately want a baby, so you can't call a halt to the process.

Not a condition which makes you feel sociable. And your friend couldn't wait a couple of weeks for this to get a bit better before you rushed around to congratulate her in person, even though you told her you were having physical problems? SHE is the self-absorbed one, not you.

Thank you for such supportive messages. Slightlyjaded, 'Amy' only really likes to text. She doesn't really like me to phone as she's always busy, she prefers to text at her own convenience.

I agree texts can be misconstrued. I considered writing her a letter :S

Lisianthus. Wow, thank you so much for your understanding. Very touched x

Op how will you feel about throwing away the friendship when this intense part of your life is over? We don't always think straight when huge, life-changing events are happening. Your friendship is under strain atm but don't chuck the baby out with the bath water.

Bad analogy but never mind.

Plus, sometime OHSS will happen to such a degree that the IVF process has to be stopped (heartbreaking) and, once it has happened, you may not be allowed to have another go. These are just some of the stresses and strains of going through IVF - but no, doubt about it, OP should have been galloping off to meet her friends's DD within an acceptable timeframe.

Well i might not be totally decided as to who's right/wrong, but I do feel less stressed about it!!!

Some wonderful responses, and that's not just meant for people who agree with me, I mean generally thoughtful and interested, but especially those who appreciated the finer details :)

I will sleep better tonight and reconsider tomorrow

YANBU. Fair enough if she was hurting because you hadnt been to see her dd but as an adult, no matter how angry and hurt you are, there are lines you do not cross. She crossed a line saying that she pitied your child and you had brought the whole thing on yourself and if I was in your situation, I would not be able to forgive that.

Cleopatrasasp- you inject such sarcastic humour to your serious responses - You're making me laugh and bump thanks you for de-stressing me!!!

You are more than welcome PorkPieandPickle and massive congratulations on your pregnancy.

Not sure I agree with those of you that seem to think that fertility issues automatically trump any issues a new mother may have.....

porkpieandpickle something similar but not nearly as extreme happened to me; my best friend from home had a baby and then a week later I had a miscarriage, and when I told her (by email) some months later, she offered support and I said that one thing that I would find helpful is if we could talk about things other than the baby, and she basically said no and said that he was her life and everything revolved around him. This is someone I'd known for THIRTY-THREE YEARS as we met in play school aged 3, and she couldn't engage with me on anything apart from her new baby. I was so hurt. We're just about getting over it (probably because I've got a baby now so in her eyes we have something we can talk about).

but what I really wanted to reassure you about was this: when your baby is born (about which, huge congratulations!) it is, i assure you, entirely possible to remain sensitive to the fact that your baby is not the centre of everybody else's world. I certainly didn't expect everyone to want to flock to see my baby, and it surprises and delights me when people are interested in him. It's not universal behaviour to want someone to meet your baby whatever the emotional cost to them of doing so.

I can see both sides - but your comment that 'she only texts at her convenience' was rather a giveaway on your part...

A word of caution: if I was newly pg (congrats btw!), AND had never posted before on MN I wouldn't post on viper board AIBU

You've had a fairly easy ride here OP. Luck of the draw. Chat next time, or Relationships. Kinder.

I don't think YABU as she knew what you are going through. However, she has already apologised so it may be worth trying to salvage the friendship. Once the wonderful reality of your own pregnancy starts to hit you, you may find that you are much keener to visit newborns & find out how they work. You may find that your friendship becomes close again as your dc will be near in age.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

secondsop you sound lovely. Perhaps sometimes it takes experiencing bad/difficult circumstances to gain some insight/empathy into other people's problems? I get the feeling that a lot of posters on this thread haven't needed IVF but have experienced being a new mum, so they are grafting their own experiences onto a thread about somebody else's entirely different circumstances.