WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

sorry but i agree with gypsytart, I can see she has upset you, as can she, but you have to see things from her point of view as well. If my friend didn't want to meet my baby, for whatever reason I would be quite hurt and upset as well.

What a fucking bitch she is. Perhaps you have to go through IVF to really appreciate how all-consuming it is but you were in no way being unreasonable and ignore anyone who says you were.

Totally agree with gypsytart

I too can see both sides this. What your friend said to you is unforgiveable and I dont think you should continue the friendship.

But, she wanted you to see her newborn baby and you kept turning her down. My best friend has never seen my DD as I cut her off after the birth. I had given her years of unwavering support with her twat of a boyfriend, gone above and beyond with helping her. She talked the talk during my pregnancy but when DD was born she fobbed me off with various excuses and it hurts, really really hurts.

I hope when your little one is born nobody does this to you, you might understand why your friend was so spiteful otherwise (although this does not excuse what she said).

Just let the friendship drift.

Maybe I just have nicer friends than some people but my friends would in no way have expected me to go and cradle a newborn when going through IVF - they are kind like that. As for sending such a hideous text message - that is a lot nastier and self-absorbed than the OP has been.

I think you both sound a bit precious, perhaps you should text her and say 'I am going through a physically and emotionally tough time right now, and I think we should take a step back from each other for a short duration as perhaps we both need a little space. Thanks for your apology, i feel hurt by the text regarding my potential future children and parenting, but I will try to let go of that hurt. It might take some time. I hope all the family are well and that we will be able to meet up when we are all in a suitable healthy place and time to do so.'

You have been no more concerned about her life than she has been about yours.

But doesn't the person going through a terrible time, instead of a fantastic one, deserve to be cut some slack? If you had something (whatever it was) amazing going on in your life, would you really force this on someone who was desperately for the same thing but might well never experience it? Or would you be kind enough to give them some time and space?

CleopatrasAsp - I think a lot of people haven't read the op in full tbh.

No matter what, that text would seal the deal for me. She really went for the kill. Urgh. V nasty.

Her text was nasty and spiteful BUT from what you've posted, she's shown a keen interest in your IVF, tried to arrange meeting up with a newborn and another dc (no mean feat so soon after giving birth) and you've rebuked her every time for pretty selfish reasons imo.

I'd be incredibly hurt if I were her too and you'll possibly understand when you have your pfb and want to show them off to the world. Try and see it from her POV and find a way forward.

Congrats BTW

And anyone saying the OP ought to have "made the effort" clearly has no idea what an enormous effort it takes, day after day, year after year, to put on that smiling face, time after time after time! Especially when other people's own happiness, and the expectation you'll join them in this, is NEVER matched with the equivalent sadness for your own situation. Some people do understand, and they are the most wonderful friends. But all too often it's "Smile and the world smiles with you, weep and you weep alone".

Thanks for the congratulations and warm welcome guys :)

The truth is, even I can see both sides, I am not someone looking to come back and say I disagree with everyone IANBU.

I know I hurt her. In an ideal world i would have rushed to meet DD. But it was not intentional, I genuinely didnt feel up to it, and I kind of thought if DD was 5/6 wks old before I met her it wouldn't matter :S is it th done thing to meet baby within 4 wks then? (I am inexperienced with friends babies) I did meet her DS at about 3/4 weeks.

I think my problem is that if I hurt her, It was not intentional. I feel her text to me was malicious and intended to hurt.

Her previous history of comments an then that text lead me to wonder if she is the sort of person I want in my/my dc's life- I wonder that she might make me doubt my own parenting ability :S or maybe someone whoos a mum would say her comment was reasonable given my lack of commitment to her DD.

Grateful for all your opinions, it is good to read both sides!

thermalsinapril, that is not true for everyone though. My lovely friend is going through IVF at the moment for a very long for child. Several of us have had babies and she has met each one, had cuddles and kisses with the newborns and bought gifts.

If we had avoided her as she is in the middle of IVF she would have been devestated, deeply hurt and would have thought we didnt want her to meet the new babies.

Sometimes you dont know if somebody wants time and space unless they say it specifically. The first time the OP said they were not up to visitors, if they had said from the start that they wanted some space then the friend might have obliged, although this in no way excuses what she said to the OP.

Congratulations!

On the friend thing - Pick up the phone and speak to your friend. Texting is no way to communicate.

I wish you well.

Yes you are going through a physical and emotionally turbulent time but surely so is she? She sounds like she has been more supportive in this friendship at this point in time than you have. Her text was spiteful but she sounds very hurt and that she may be lashing out.

However it does sound like you both care so try and mend your bridges. Life is too short.

I think her text to you was awful, however I do feel prior to that you were self absorbed and didn't behave brilliantly towards her.

One poster has mentioned you should be cut some slack as you're the one that's had the terrible time but how do you know your friend hasn't had a hard time too? She could well have pnd, or perhaps she may have had a traumatic birth, or baby may have reflux. You don't know, because you've been so wrapped up in yourself, and your issues, that you don't know what's been going on for her. She's really made an effort to see you, and probably found it upsetting that you were rejecting her efforts.

I think you need to look at the whole picture. No, the text she sent you wasn't nice, but your behaviour recently towards her needs to be reflected on too IMO.

They are gorgeous at 1-4 weeks. Quiet, sleepy, smell good. I would then leave it for about 4 years before another visit -but then that's just my opinion.
I didn't mean to be harsh. My point is that having a baby is fairly 'all-consuming' (!) and you need your friends to be nice, considerate, carrying ready meals as they arrive, offering baby-sitting, etc.
Can I suggest that you go and visit soon? You'll be a lovely mum, you both know that. It's the friend thing you have to work on surely?

Yy april

No one who spoke to me that way would stay in my life.

I think people aren't realising only a matter of weeks passed here. A friend of mine didn't come to visit me and my child for a few months and I didn't take that much offence (okay, maybe a little, but only because she kept cancelling on me!).

The other thing some are missing is that OP was struggling with OHSS which can turn quite serious.

I think under these circumstances your friend should've waited a bit longer before being upset with you, though I can understand why she felt frustrated.

Gypsy telling someone who's had IVF that 'Your friend has just managed to make a new person. It is the biggest thing in her life,' is fair enough on the surface, but for many of those who suffer with infertility that would feel like a knife in the gut. Imagine how OP would be feeling if her IVF hadn't worked - like her friend and countless women everywhere can so easily do the most natural thing in the world, that's also the most amazing thing in the world?

Ideally OP would've felt strong enough to see her friend, but if she was going through procedures I understand wanting to keep her strength for another day. Ideally her friend would've given her a bit more leeway given everything she's gone through.

Although I sympathise with how awful IVF is, I'm afraid I can see where she is coming from.

When I had my DD, all I wanted was for my friends to come and see her. I wouldn't have sent the nasty text but I would have been so hurt if they hadn't come to see her.

I'm so happy that you have had some positive news and hopefully in 8/9 months or so, you will be holding your PFB and fall completely in love with him/her.

Only then will you know how your friend was hurt by you. I know you weren't doing it to be mean but she can't help feeling upset by it. She shouldn't have sent the horrible text but she knows that and that is why she said sorry.

I think I would make the effort to make up and see her DC. However, we only know this story. Only you know if the other things change this perspective.

If you don't feel that you can be or want to be friends with her any more then that is absolutely your prerogative. No one has to be friends with anyone they don't want to.

I'm not sure she 'needs' an explanation as she obviously knows what she said was wrong and upsetting. It's up to you whether you explain further or not.

Never mind the emotional aspects of IVF, OHSS is pretty nasty, (painful AND pretty terrifying) and there is no way I would have wanted to gallop around town being sociable with a case of that. You said that you were physically unable to go out then and see her DD- if she can't accept that you were in pain and having trouble moving about, plus that text, plus the fact she's been pretty awful for a while, she doesn't sound much of a friend.