WIBU to end a 12 year friendship without explanation?

[PorkPieandPickle]

I have read on MN before, but only just joined. I really need some opinions, and hoping that this might be the right place to ask...

For about 10 years, my BF, lets call her Amy, and I lived in and out of each others pockets. but after she got married, moved to the next town and then became a mum to her DS in Nov 2011, we started to drift. i still valued the friendship, and asked her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding at xmas last year, but i felt the friendship became quite fraught, and she upset me several times with nasty comments in the lead up, the day before and even the morning of my wedding.

we started our IVF journey in Feb this year, which we struggled with. Amy was aware of this. Amy gave birth in early March to DD, and began to text me to visit her, DH and DC's. i was complimentary over birth etc, but said i was unfortunately not up to meeting DD (physically or emotionally). she texted a couple more times enquiring how IVF was going, and i responded with updates, and enquired as to DD.

3 weeks ago, she texted to ask if her, DH and DC's could visit. it was the week DH and I had had our IVF clinical procedures, and we didn't feel up to visitors. i stated as such, but got no response. 2 weeks later, she sent another text asking when we would have a result. it was, coincidentally our test day. so i responded saying positive result :) she texted back with quite a rude response and said they are pleased but very upset that we have shown no interest in DD, and find it offensive that we don't want to meet her.

i was quite upset by this, and texted back (somewhat snappy) saying that was untrue, and that i had tried to explain previously that we found IVF difficult, we were not feeling like socialising, and that was nothing personal and maybe poor timing, but that unfortunately, we had our own priorities right now, and that the world did not revolve around them.

she responded immediately saying how was she supposed to know IVF is difficult, she assumed it was me being a total drama queen, that she pitied my child, as if i struggled with this then i would make a terrible mother, and that i had bought the whole thing on myself by marrying a man who couldn't give me kids naturally (DH had vasectomy after having his DS in first marriage)

I was so upset and angry. I have since had a text saying that she is really sorry and would do anything to take back what she said and repair the friendship. i haven't responded, and don't really want to. i feel she's become toxic, and bad for my mental health. i understand that may have PND or something that caused her bitter message, but this friendship had started to decline before that and i just feel i should be concentrating on myself and mini-bump right now.

i just don't think i have it in me to forgive her poisonous comments. AIBU to leave things as they are without responding? or can anyone advise how i could deal with this better?

You are both in the wrong. Her joy is not your pain and you should not have been so dismissive of her new baby. That said fertility issues are very hard to deal with (I know from experience) and she should have been more sensitive.
You both need to talk this out like adults and stop sniping like children.

Good luck with your pregnancy and enjoy your new baby when he/she arrives

Your friend sent a horrible text, but IMO you pushed her to it. You think it's fine to dismiss her great life event-having a baby-and by your actions show that you're not interested in her child.
Yet you expect what? Her to jump for joy when you text your good news?
YABU and should get over yourself.

Gypsy, I don't like being told 'to behave' - I was just telling you my experiences of what something can feel like. I didn't say it was logical.

My point was, infertility is a hard journey and friends should appreciate that.

But friends should also visit new babies! Saying that, holding a newbie isn't always lovely for some. I would understand if it actually upset someone.

Anyway thread has moved on now. I didn't realise or didn't take in, that OP had such a short journey from knowing they couldn't conceive to having a successful IVF - really that is very good in the circumstances and quite different to struggling for years.

OP, your friend maybe struggling too. Maybe when you are both feeling better you could try to make amends.

IVF isn't the only fertility treatment available and I'm quite shocked that there appears to be a "tariff" on empathy depending on how long you have been trying to get pregnant and your reasons for needing help getting pregnant.

TBH I think this friendship has been damaged too much to recover.

I don't think either of you have behaved well.

I have a very very good friend who had one child then had a miscarriage. She then blanked another really good friend as apparently this friend had not announced her 2nd pregnancy sensitively enough. They did tentatively resume their friendship after a while - I did my best to help with this. I felt Friend1 was being unreasonable as I knew that Friend2 was a very tactful type and would not have upset her for the world, but at the same time I understood Friend1's pain as I had just lost a baby myself and I knew how painful someone else's good fortune can be, and how shit that makes you feel about your own feelings.

Eventually their friendship drifted. Friend1 had another miscarriage and wasn't able to get pregnant again. I had my first child, I trod on eggshells. Friend1 was great. Then I had my second. I trod on eggshells again. I thought that I would ask Friend1 to be her godmother. Um. Yeah well. She has never even seen her. DD is 11.

Friend1 often contacts me and I think she would like to resume our close friendship. But it will never happen because although I had supported her for years and years and been incredibly close she has never bothered to see one of my children. And that, unfortunately, is that. I just don't think it's possible to get past that.

OP, it sounds like the whole thing really escalated over text, as emotional conversations often do. Perhaps you could meet for coffee and have a honest chat. From her point of view, your "jealousy" of her new life is driving a wedge between the two of you. She wants to share her life with you, and is offended that you're not receptive to it. From your point of view, she's not being supportive as to your emotional and physical trials, at the time when you need support and understanding the most.

IMHO, YABU to end it over a text argument. If you have a conversation in person, and still choose to sever ties with her, you should still have the respect for her to do it in person. It shouldn't end with any bad blood, as it doesn't sound like she's intentionally antagonizing you. You may have grown apart at this time of your life, but you never know, you may find that years down the road that you're both in a better place to rekindle your friendship.

Both of you seem lacking in empathy and I think you are the most to blame for the current situation. I think if you want to salvage this relationship it is probably salvageable - it sounds though like she wants to and you don't.

The OP is misleading because if you stop contacting your friend she will be fully aware of why! If you want to end the friendship you don't need the blessing of mumsnet, just go ahead and do it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, this is wonderful news.

Wow, alot of pages to read through! I think its pretty much been done to death, but i'm certainly not ignorant enough to ask for the time and input of over a hundred people and not respond!! To those who asked questions-

Anyoneforturps, I really don?t think I have ever been rude to Amy until this incident, but I suppose I would think that!! The reason I have ?put up with her? is because she never used to be like this, and I keep hoping that the ?old her? will re-emerge.

I?m not quite sure why people are under the impression that I was not happy for her, or that I sent her a series of rude texts! I really didn?t suggest that. I said we exchanged a series of texts. I sent her several texts explaining that I was quite ill, and each one of them enquired about DD. Yes, I sent a card through the post, and I also enquired by text if she had a photo she could send me as she did when her DS was born. I also not quite sure how I gave the impression that I didn?t want to meet her DD> I stated that I was not in a physical or emotional place to do so.

When she asked to come round, it was the day after my egg collection operation, and the day after DH?s surgical sperm retrieval. Physically, I was certainly not up to the 45 minute drive to her house, but nor was I even up to receiving guests ? making cups of tea, and playing with a toddler when you feel like shit? All I wanted to do was curl up in bed at that particular point in time!! Maybe I should of not even bothered mentioning the emotional effects of IVF, as it seems to have been all a lot of posters has focused on, and it kind of clouds whether I am getting an honest and fair appraisal of the situation from people.

That is not to say that all people are not reading my OP properly, because several people have mentioned lots of good points.

Reneea2, yes, I do know that she had a very smooth home labour (her choice). The texts I sent while ill were not unfriendly and I asked her lots about her DD. I know that her husband had 2 weeks paternity leave, and that she had her mum and dad up from down south to help her out.

MrsMangel, yes I was lucky enough to get pg first cycle, and feel blessed. Unfortunately, fertility drugs can cause a reaction on your first cycle, it is not something you have to have been doing for years before the effects are horrible, they are horrible from the start in some people.

Yes I did know we would need IVF, and yes we had to save for several years to afford it and could only afford 3 cycles, so felt very pressured to succeed. Knowing what is coming doesn?t make it a walk in the park.

A couple of people have said maybe she is disapproving of my DH. Maybe this is true. I don?t really know.

Mummyplum1, Her DD is now 4.5 weeks old. If she hadn?t sent the last text the day of my test result, I would have been to see her by now, as I am back on my feet.

As it is, I just don?t know that it is worth my energy to visit someone who insulted me so badly. I personally felt that there was no real excuse to tell a pregnant woman that she would not be able to cope with motherhood. But maybe IABU ? that is of course why I posted ? to get a balanced view.

I think it is clear that are two sides to every story. This is mine, and those of you want to know Amy?s side, while I?m afraid I can?t give you that!!

Thank you for your input though. I wanted to know if it would be unreasonable to end this friendship that makes me feel bad. I think it?s a Pretty much a 50/50 opinion from responses, some strong views that IABU, but also strong views that IANBU, some from mothers who have been in a similar position to Amy.

that?s enough for me to feel i can walk away given that these were 'back up' opinions I was looking for from a 'neutral' crowd. my DH and other bridesmaid think I?ve been far too patient with her and that she?s a horrible and self absorbed person who is condescending and arrogant towards me (I didn?t want to write that originally as I didn?t want to cloud people's views of Amy).

Thank you everyone for your input. I was scared to post in AIBU, but I didn't think that people who disagreed were rude, and I respect everyone's right to an opinion on what I posted!!

Thank you for your update. I didn't think YABU anyway. Its interesting to see what other people's opinions are and the fact that her DD is only 4.5 weeks now so its hardly a great deal of time and it seems that she has kept on a bit given the short space of time. She hasn't remotely tried to see it from your side.

I stand by what I said before, no matter how hurt she may have been, what she said was totally out of order and completely unforgiveable IMO. I think that you feel the same.

Congratulations on leaving the bastard PorkPie

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy x

I wouldn't bother salvaging it.

If you take away everything that has happened recently between you and just look at the way she behaved and made you feel during your own wedding, decent friends do not behave like that, being critical and rude.

The recent comments about you as a mother etc would put the tin hat on it as far as i was concerned.

Thank you both so very much. I have been deeply touched by the compassion shown by some posters - more compassion than I have seen in real life! If I find myself a few mumsie friends like you guys then I will be a lucky lady!
Thanks again :)x

Thank you for the update, and don't beat yourself up for this decision.

FWIW I was fell pregnant - unplanned - at 17. My aunt and uncle were in the process of starting IVF at the time. My uncle didn't say much, but my aunt did say after that she had been angry, furious, and so upset afterwards. I completely understood, and still do. Happily, they were lucky, and they have a lovely DC about six months younger than my DS. They congratulated me when DS was born, and sent a lovely gift, but I was very cautious, especially during my pregnancy before she found out she was pregnant, about how much I said; I kept them updated with the basics (when we found out the sex etc), but I certainly wouldn't have nagged for them to be more involved at such a sensitive time in their lives.

Op is it correct to say that you have just had your first cycle of Ivf and up until then you knew you could not get pregnant as your husband had a vasectomy. Tbh if you got pregnant at the first possible opportunity it does sound like you are being a little dramatic. I can imagine how frustrating it was to wait but you knew this when you married your husband it was part of the deal. I think you have behaved really appallingly towards your friend if that is the case and yabu.

Congratulations - that's great news on your positive. Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy.

I agree with those who have said there is fault on both sides. I went through 7 years of miscarriages and failed fertility treatments before finally falling pregnant thanks to donor eggs. During the first 5 years of our journey I was very angry and upset about our situation and felt terribly jealous about other people's pregnancies and babies. I cut myself off from people and tried to protect myself. After our last round of treatment with my own eggs, which I thought was probably our last treatment ever, I did a lot of thinking and realised that I couldn't go on shutting people out and I started to make an effort with friends who had kids. I actually ended up feeling much happier and I think it helped me to consider continuing our journey.

Once I was pregnant - and especially after my son was born - I started to understand why these friends had been less interested in me that I thought they should be. Parenting is every bit as hard and all-consuming as fertility treatment - admittedly, much, much more rewarding too. And, just as I was totally unaware of the realities of motherhood before I became one, so all these friends had been totally unaware of how hard and how soul-destroying the inability to have a child can be.

If your friend was a good friend in the past, I think it's worth giving her another chance and trying to see if this has just been a mutual misunderstanding. Trust me - you will want experienced mum-friends when your wee one arrives!

Have a little read through the thread neunund.

I did I am struggling to see what could have gone better given her situation.

Her friend should not have been nasty by the way but up until that point the op treated her very shabbily.

Yanbu (after reading this update)

It does sound like she had plenty I support so it really doesn't seem like she needed your support as well. In that case it really does seem like she has overreacted and been very inappropriate with her texts and reactions.

Her comments about your wedding seem just like jealous jibes. Maybe she wished she could have had a big wedding too? I think she may have wanted the attention to shift from you to her when she had her dd and because you didn't visit straight away she got demanding and then angry.

Jealousy is a nasty character trait to deal with in others. So I think if I was in your position I would just quietly move on as you are planning. Perhaps reconsider a catch up in several months or years and see if she has changed?

Good luck with the rest if the pregnancy.

I'm going to be totally honest , I do think her messages to you were awful and rude , especially about your DH However if one of my mates ignored my child for such a long period just because they were having issues I would consider them self absorbed and very upset that I was being made to feel my child didn't matter due to problems conceiving.

Maybe she was lashing out of spite.

So postponing seeing a newborn for 4/5 weeks when you are in the middle of the physical and mental effects of IVF is self-absorbed, but demanding that a friend in the middle of IVF drops everything to meet your newborn within a timeframe acceptable to you isn't. Some people on this thread have seriously strange ideas about what constitutes self-absorption, it seems having a new baby makes unreasonable and frankly nasty behaviour acceptable, but those struggling with infertility should stop making everyone else uncomfortable and put on a brave face at all times or risk the wrath of mothers everywhere for being 'selfish'. Oh, and it's all the OP's fault anyway as she wilfully fell in love with a man who had had a vasectomy so she clearly deserves all the heartache she gets.

Exactly, is it really that important to go and see a newborn in that timeframe? My brother didn't see my son until he was two months. When friends have had babies recently, some have preferred to stay at home with only relatives visiting initially and I haven't seen them until later on.

It was a matter of weeks, really not such a big deal imo.

Well said Cleo. All this stuff about it is so much harder when you've been trying for ages and the op should feel more grateful because it happened relatively quickly is just such crap. I was lucky enought to get IVF on the NHS which was fast tracked and successful first time but that doesn't mean the Anguish I felt prior to the positive test was not true anguish. You can't talk in terms of degrees of pain depending on length of time suffering, that's just stupid.

"Exactly, is it really that important to go and see a newborn in that timeframe?"
Agreed. I really am not getting why OP is being given a hard time because she didn't whizz round and drool over Amy's DD at the first opportunity . Personally, I was very glad NOT to have visitors, I was quite busy enough! And I really cannot see why anyone would go in a huff because someone who has told you that they were "off work sick, unable to drive and struggling to get up/down stairs" suggested they might wait until they were better before visiting.

IMO, Amy is a complete cow and has been for quite some time (definitely in the run-up to the wedding), and will use any stick that comes to hand to beat the OP. And has - choice of husband, wedding arrangements, IVF. Had the OP dragged herself round, any wincing caused by pain would probably have been interpreted by Amy as a gross insult. The OP cannot end this friendship - Amy ended it quite some time ago.

The amount of people on here who think they gave birth to the next Jesus or something! HOW DAAAAAARE YOU IGNOOOOOORE MY PRECIOUS CHIIIIIIILD!